Does your family know about us?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 51
Does your family know about us?
I haven't told anyone that I log in to SR. The only people that know I'm in recovery at all is my boyfriend and two coworker friends. Anyway, The past couple nights I've been on the forums on my phone, and if my boyfriend would come close enough to see, I'd either exit out of here or simply put my phone down. I tried to be casual about it but apparently he noticed, and now he thinks I'm hiding something serious from him, as if I was talking to other men or doing something else untrustworthy. This morning he woke up from a nightmare and asked if I was cheating on him. We've been together over 2 years and he knows I wouldn't do anything of the sort, he's just getting anxious and thinks I'm being sneaky.
But if I tell him about SR, he'll become way too curious and probably get on the site to see what I'm posting. Based on the info I've posted, he would know which user was me in a heartbeat and just "creep" on all my posts. He would also probably ask why I need to talk to people on here, rather than talking to him about it. So in a way, I am hiding it from him, but only because you guys have been through the same stuff I'm going through right now, and he just wouldn't understand why this place actually helps. I'm almost embarrassed.
Do your husbands/wives/boyfriend/girlfriends know that you have a SR account? How do they feel about it?
But if I tell him about SR, he'll become way too curious and probably get on the site to see what I'm posting. Based on the info I've posted, he would know which user was me in a heartbeat and just "creep" on all my posts. He would also probably ask why I need to talk to people on here, rather than talking to him about it. So in a way, I am hiding it from him, but only because you guys have been through the same stuff I'm going through right now, and he just wouldn't understand why this place actually helps. I'm almost embarrassed.
Do your husbands/wives/boyfriend/girlfriends know that you have a SR account? How do they feel about it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hi Wicket, unless your BF is also an alcoholic trying to recover then he shouldn't need an explanation as to why you need to connect with folks here too. Really he shouldn't need an explanation in any case. As long as you two have been together he should be aware that alcohol is an issue for you and be happy that you're working on it.
My spouse knows that I am part of an online recovery community and that I consider it a personal place where I can fully express myself to others that have a shared perspective. She respects that boundary and knows that my work here will make me a better partner and person. I expect nothing less.
My spouse knows that I am part of an online recovery community and that I consider it a personal place where I can fully express myself to others that have a shared perspective. She respects that boundary and knows that my work here will make me a better partner and person. I expect nothing less.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
My wife for sure knows and I share some of my posts with her. It never occurred to me but she may have logged in as a guest to see what I am up to. If she did I really do not care because my recovery journey is pretty much an open book. I have mentioned SR to multiple AA people and maybe some are members but again my recovery is an open book so who cares.
The people I care about do not need SR to know I am struggling or in pain
The people I care about do not need SR to know I am struggling or in pain
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I just posted about this on another thread.
I don't have a significant other, but I have three daughters and they are invested in me and my recovery in varying ways and degrees.
The eldest figured out a few years back that I was posting on another forum, signed up for her own account, read my posts and then shared the information she found with my middle kid.
It's not her fault, but that put me back more than a few steps. I'd never felt safe writing anything down and suddenly lost the one place I found where I thought I could do that. It IS her fault that she invaded my privacy, but she was young and I understand.
So when I got active on this site again, I decided to keep in mind that one of my kids might spy on me. I don't think they will, but this helps me to keep on topic with recovery issues (and the occasional distraction like a blizzard) and stay away from the more personal stuff that belongs in therapy or group. My history is a good part of why I landed here, but dumping it here isn't vital to my recovery.
With your boyfriend, I would suggest that you tell him you are posting and that it's sort of like an online AA. Maybe share some of your posts with him, like MIR suggests.
If you honestly think that sharing this information with him would cause him to "creep on you," I would say that there are other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and you might want to be more obscure with disclosing what you are doing. Maybe something like, "I'm reading a ton about recovery. It's an obsession right now." And tell him you're almost embarrassed about it.
From my POV, of course you have no reason whatsoever to be embarrassed. You know that you are here to make yourself better.
I don't have a significant other, but I have three daughters and they are invested in me and my recovery in varying ways and degrees.
The eldest figured out a few years back that I was posting on another forum, signed up for her own account, read my posts and then shared the information she found with my middle kid.
It's not her fault, but that put me back more than a few steps. I'd never felt safe writing anything down and suddenly lost the one place I found where I thought I could do that. It IS her fault that she invaded my privacy, but she was young and I understand.
So when I got active on this site again, I decided to keep in mind that one of my kids might spy on me. I don't think they will, but this helps me to keep on topic with recovery issues (and the occasional distraction like a blizzard) and stay away from the more personal stuff that belongs in therapy or group. My history is a good part of why I landed here, but dumping it here isn't vital to my recovery.
With your boyfriend, I would suggest that you tell him you are posting and that it's sort of like an online AA. Maybe share some of your posts with him, like MIR suggests.
If you honestly think that sharing this information with him would cause him to "creep on you," I would say that there are other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and you might want to be more obscure with disclosing what you are doing. Maybe something like, "I'm reading a ton about recovery. It's an obsession right now." And tell him you're almost embarrassed about it.
From my POV, of course you have no reason whatsoever to be embarrassed. You know that you are here to make yourself better.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Is this a normal thing, for people to snoop into posts? I read another thread earlier where a spouse found a read a guy's private journal. This type of thing would really bother me a lot. I may be in recovery, but I certainly have boundaries and a right to privacy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Lets face it, a lot of us have done things to cause our loved ones not to trust us.
This is one of the many things i have had to accept. I earned their distrust, now I need to re-earn their trust.
Therefore, while I agree that we are all entitled to privacy, we have created the situation where those who care about us feel the need to have confirmation of our actions.
Long way to say, I agree with others to tell him the generalities, but not the details.
And to forgive those who cross the lines -- lets face it, we crossed the lines too many times and want them to forgive us.
great question.
This is one of the many things i have had to accept. I earned their distrust, now I need to re-earn their trust.
Therefore, while I agree that we are all entitled to privacy, we have created the situation where those who care about us feel the need to have confirmation of our actions.
Long way to say, I agree with others to tell him the generalities, but not the details.
And to forgive those who cross the lines -- lets face it, we crossed the lines too many times and want them to forgive us.
great question.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by SoberinSyracuse 
Is this a normal thing, for people to snoop into posts? I read another thread earlier where a spouse found a read a guy's private journal. This type of thing would really bother me a lot. I may be in recovery, but I certainly have boundaries and a right to privacy.
She is now a big fan of shredders lol.
When posting on here I only put things on the main forum that wouldn't be damaging or hurtful if any loved ones did stumble across it. Anything else I'd only share with people I've grown to trust and share by PM. It just the same as exercising caution with regards to details I choose to share in the rooms of AA in a meeting with lots of people, some of whom I don't know so well. Anything that could be damaging I save for my sponsor or very close AA friends.
I think its worth explaining what it is you've been looking at though. He's more likely to feel the need to snoop if he thinks you're up to something. It's quite unsettling for our partners when we start changing all these habits as it is. After 20 months my partner tells me he still worries that I'll get sick of him and leave now that I'm sober, because I'm no longer at his side in the pub all the time but off doing more interesting (to me) things. At first when I started going to AA meetings I kept it secret from him, but realised that he needed to know where I was going after a few weeks as it just made everything more stressful. (And he wasn't keen on me going to them at all at first.)
Um Dia de Cada Vez
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Brasil
Posts: 613
When I talk to people about my recovery, I just say that I use an online support based forum for support, if they ask more things about it, I just say its in english language and has people from all over the world. They usually get more interested about that than the recovery part. Online comunities are not a big thing here in Brazil.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: CapeCod, MA
Posts: 842
I have not told anyone that I use SR. Since your boyfriend knows you are spending time on the computer, and he is concerned to the point of having nightmares, you might want to tell him you log onto a support group that helps tremendously. It is nothing he needs to worry about, but it is also nothing you will share with anyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Yes my better half does and thinks it's great that I share and try to help others, aside from the fact I withheld I was an alcoholic until November from last year, we have an open book relationship and share everything good or not so good with each other. It seems because that is just the way I am, when I hide stuff, it has always come back to bite me and those bites really hurt
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I would tell your boyfriend that you are visiting an online recovery site without providing any other details. Ask him sincerely to allow you the private space to post your struggles with other people who suffer from the same disease as you.
My boyfriend knows but I am certain he would never come here to look at my posts.
It is a tricky thing because this space feels so safe, it really does, but we have to all remember it is the internet and anyone can come here and read what we have written.
Any of you other members would more than likely have a difficult time locating me in the real world. However, if someone who knew me in real life came here and searched through my posts I think I have shared enough clues that they would be able to tell it was me. I would be embarrassed if that happened, but there are only really 2 or 3 posts that I really and truly regret making and for a number of personal reasons would be very upset and nervous if particular people in my offline life found them. So much so that I asked to have them deleted but it is against forum rules. So be careful what you post.
My boyfriend knows but I am certain he would never come here to look at my posts.
It is a tricky thing because this space feels so safe, it really does, but we have to all remember it is the internet and anyone can come here and read what we have written.
Any of you other members would more than likely have a difficult time locating me in the real world. However, if someone who knew me in real life came here and searched through my posts I think I have shared enough clues that they would be able to tell it was me. I would be embarrassed if that happened, but there are only really 2 or 3 posts that I really and truly regret making and for a number of personal reasons would be very upset and nervous if particular people in my offline life found them. So much so that I asked to have them deleted but it is against forum rules. So be careful what you post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Yes, my wife knows, and she loves that I'm on here. It demonstrates to her that I'm making an effort to remain sober. We have a good marriage and to be honest, she's never read a word I've written on this site.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Wicket,
I feel quite strongly about privacy in general - both mine and others' - and for me it's basic in every relationship that a level of individual privacy be respected by all parties. Is there any reason why your BF might have these feelings and fears about you other than spending some alone time on your phone? When something like what you describe happens and the concern does not seem to be real, my feeling usually is that the source is either something deeper in my behavior, in the relationship, or perhaps in the partner's history -- I would focus on discussing these while simply telling the truth, that I am using a website for my recovery and I spend time on it because it's helping me. I would ask if there is anything in my attitude and behavior towards him in our relationship that generates these concerns about infidelity and have an open minded discussion about it. But I do not believe that partners need to follow and check every move the other person makes, I think every good relationship needs healthy boundaries, a level of individual privacy, and freedom for personal life even within the relationship.
But speaking of who knows what... I use a couple online forums, SR is one of them. My husband knows it and sometimes we discuss "stories" from the forums I've read or have been involved in quite openly, also because I'm curious as to his opinion. I don't mind if he checks these sites, our communication goes deeper and beyond with personal information than what I share on websites. He never asked what I do online and with whom and I would never get into his private sphere either this way. Trust is not something that's best achieved by expecting or demanding it from someone, I think. Other than him, I mentioned SR to some friends, mostly when there is a context for it, i.e. we are discussing addiction, either mine or sometimes their struggles. I also told my therapist that SR was an important component of my recovery, and I think it's quite likely he's checked it out as he has an interest in alcoholism and addiction. Oh, reminds me... something slightly similar that happened to me a while ago when I was dating a man for a few months -- he became jealous of my therapist and my enthusiasm about the therapy sessions. It lead to some very interesting and deep conversations between us that revealed a lot of insecurities about himself regarding his perceived ability to be close to and care for people, and also provided me with the opportunity to share some old recurring tendencies in myself... Apparently it helped him to have that sort of talk with me and then the topic never came back except in the form of jokes. The relationship ended later, but not because my private interests in whatever. For me, the people I would be anxious if they read my posts here are colleagues and people I have professional relationships with.
Again, what I would do in your situation is have a sincere discussion with him about his feelings and yours rather than continue hiding the screen of my phone, computer, etc. Explain to him that SR is vital to your recovery because it provides information and support from people who have been on the same journey. I would not imply that he is unlikely to be able to give that sort of support, just state that the shared experiences are helping you move forward.
I feel quite strongly about privacy in general - both mine and others' - and for me it's basic in every relationship that a level of individual privacy be respected by all parties. Is there any reason why your BF might have these feelings and fears about you other than spending some alone time on your phone? When something like what you describe happens and the concern does not seem to be real, my feeling usually is that the source is either something deeper in my behavior, in the relationship, or perhaps in the partner's history -- I would focus on discussing these while simply telling the truth, that I am using a website for my recovery and I spend time on it because it's helping me. I would ask if there is anything in my attitude and behavior towards him in our relationship that generates these concerns about infidelity and have an open minded discussion about it. But I do not believe that partners need to follow and check every move the other person makes, I think every good relationship needs healthy boundaries, a level of individual privacy, and freedom for personal life even within the relationship.
But speaking of who knows what... I use a couple online forums, SR is one of them. My husband knows it and sometimes we discuss "stories" from the forums I've read or have been involved in quite openly, also because I'm curious as to his opinion. I don't mind if he checks these sites, our communication goes deeper and beyond with personal information than what I share on websites. He never asked what I do online and with whom and I would never get into his private sphere either this way. Trust is not something that's best achieved by expecting or demanding it from someone, I think. Other than him, I mentioned SR to some friends, mostly when there is a context for it, i.e. we are discussing addiction, either mine or sometimes their struggles. I also told my therapist that SR was an important component of my recovery, and I think it's quite likely he's checked it out as he has an interest in alcoholism and addiction. Oh, reminds me... something slightly similar that happened to me a while ago when I was dating a man for a few months -- he became jealous of my therapist and my enthusiasm about the therapy sessions. It lead to some very interesting and deep conversations between us that revealed a lot of insecurities about himself regarding his perceived ability to be close to and care for people, and also provided me with the opportunity to share some old recurring tendencies in myself... Apparently it helped him to have that sort of talk with me and then the topic never came back except in the form of jokes. The relationship ended later, but not because my private interests in whatever. For me, the people I would be anxious if they read my posts here are colleagues and people I have professional relationships with.
Again, what I would do in your situation is have a sincere discussion with him about his feelings and yours rather than continue hiding the screen of my phone, computer, etc. Explain to him that SR is vital to your recovery because it provides information and support from people who have been on the same journey. I would not imply that he is unlikely to be able to give that sort of support, just state that the shared experiences are helping you move forward.
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