Mixed emotions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 7
Mixed emotions
My husband was a first responder in one of the most horrific shootings recorded in our history. For the past three years we have been attending trauma therapy to manage the PTSD that accompanies such a tragedy. All the while, he continued to work, but he was not the same. He has been an officer for 18 years and it is all he has ever wanted to do. I have been with him since college. The past three years have been a nightmare. I would have done anything to help, but nothing seemed to help. The trauma specialists didn't even see this in him. He had been using alcohol to cope with his traumatic memories. He never did it when anyone could see and because some of the symptoms I kept describing overlapped with many of the symptoms of PTSD, I didn't question it and neither did anyone else. There was no help from the state or anyone with regard to this trauma. We were all on our own. Our nights were horrible, his mood was horrible, he was sad, withdrawn, called in sick, short tempered, all the while, never admitting that he had a problem. Fast forward to two days before this past Christmas and the state finally decided they had a place for him to go. They told me that this would help everything and that there were many officers that have had to go for the same reason. My prayers were answered, but my nightmare was just beginning. It was a rehab facility that specializes in Police/Fire/EMS/officers, etc. Apparently 80-90% of people with PTSD self medicate. He has been gone for the last 3 weeks and will be home next weekend. He looks and sounds so much better. I desperately want the person back that we knew a long time ago and I think he's there, but I am so terribly angry, resentful, lonely, etc. I feel like a complete fool. I am an educated, involved business woman. How could I not have seen this? How do we get back these past three years? I felt so much better about the trauma and would've kept putting up with the behaviors, but when I found out alcohol was involved and that he didn't want to tell me, it turned my world upside down. I know that he is not making empty promises and that he cannot wait to get home to put into practice everything he has learned, but I am sitting here and have been crying for the past 30 days. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so scared and hurt? I want to get past this so we can move forward, but I don't want anything that comes with "alcohol dependency." I just don't want it to apply to our life. I am sure that no one does. I want to be ready for him to come home and have continued counselling, etc., but I feel as though I am farther behind than he is because he left for rehab right after this came to light. I have not gone to any Al-Anon meetings and am not sure I want to. I don't even want to devote any more time to this than we already have, but I know that' s not realistic. I don't even want to show my face about this right now. I want my husband back and I want to give him a chance, as I know he has been through a terrible ordeal, but I feel as though he put the ones he loves the most through an ordeal and I have to figure out how to get past it so we can move forward. I am scared and want a crystal ball...
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Buddy and thanks for sharing your story, it's certainly a difficult situation for you to have to deal with. That's great news that he's getting the treatment that he needs and that he's doing better. The resentments and anger you feel are perfectly understandable/normal too....what you've been through is diffucult as well.
Al-anon could certainly be of help for you, it woudn't hurt to try a meeting. Also, check out our friends and family forum here...there are many folks there that have been through similar things to you. I've linked the forum below for you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Al-anon could certainly be of help for you, it woudn't hurt to try a meeting. Also, check out our friends and family forum here...there are many folks there that have been through similar things to you. I've linked the forum below for you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 324
Buddy, I sorry to hear that you and your husband have been through so much. It sounds like you might have a touch of PTSD yourself.
It is scary when things change, and he is going to come home different. You do not need a crystal ball though. You can handle all that when it is front of you. Right now, you only have to handle today.
There is a very active family forum here. Your post might get more responses if you put it there, and it would be responses from other spouses and family.
I hope you find peace.
It is scary when things change, and he is going to come home different. You do not need a crystal ball though. You can handle all that when it is front of you. Right now, you only have to handle today.
There is a very active family forum here. Your post might get more responses if you put it there, and it would be responses from other spouses and family.
I hope you find peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi and welcome to the forum, though I am sorry for the reason for your visit. Just a FYI- we also have a friends and family section, though you of course are welcome to post here as well. Most of us in this section are alcoholics or addicts ourselves.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband have gone through. I can take an educated guess based on your location and description of the event and can say that simply watching it on tv was horrifying, I simply cannot even imagine actually having to be there. Justifiably your husband suffered from what he witnessed and as such it sounds like he has dealt with that suffering in a variety of ways, including abusing alcohol.
I do not suffer from any major trauma the way your husband does but I am an alcoholic and I can assure you that I NEVER want to hurt those that I love, but my disease causes me to behave in ways that I would normally not.
The truth is we can never get back the time that has passed, those three years are gone. But the good news is your husband has sought help for his addiction and his PTSD and hopefully when he returns you can work on building a positive future together.
I would suggest getting into therapy yourself and if you are able to attend at least one al-anon meeting to see what it is all about. YOu sound like you have a lot of hurt feelings and anger about this (which is pretty normal I would say) and you are going to need to work through that in order to put your best foot forward as well. One thing is for certain though, ignoring the issue will not help.
Best wishes for a happy reunion when your husband returns next week.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband have gone through. I can take an educated guess based on your location and description of the event and can say that simply watching it on tv was horrifying, I simply cannot even imagine actually having to be there. Justifiably your husband suffered from what he witnessed and as such it sounds like he has dealt with that suffering in a variety of ways, including abusing alcohol.
I do not suffer from any major trauma the way your husband does but I am an alcoholic and I can assure you that I NEVER want to hurt those that I love, but my disease causes me to behave in ways that I would normally not.
The truth is we can never get back the time that has passed, those three years are gone. But the good news is your husband has sought help for his addiction and his PTSD and hopefully when he returns you can work on building a positive future together.
I would suggest getting into therapy yourself and if you are able to attend at least one al-anon meeting to see what it is all about. YOu sound like you have a lot of hurt feelings and anger about this (which is pretty normal I would say) and you are going to need to work through that in order to put your best foot forward as well. One thing is for certain though, ignoring the issue will not help.
Best wishes for a happy reunion when your husband returns next week.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 7
Thank you both. I keep writing in a journal and I am all over the place from anger and sadness from this whole thing to excitement and anxiousness from wanting to see him and getting our family back again. I thought that maybe it would help to do something like this because I just haven't been ready to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers regarding this as of yet. I don't know anything about where to post and what to post...I just followed the first link
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Buddytrooper 
I just haven't been ready to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers regarding this as of yet.
Stop acting like you're all alone. You aren't. Go find your tribe. Seek them out.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Go to AlAnon and see if they can help you deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think going to an Al Anon meeting would be a great idea. Not only will you get support, you get ideas as how to cope with your husband. You will see a huge variety of folks that have a huge variety of reasons they are there. Just there is a huge variety of reasons someone ever turns to alcohol. And a huge variety of reasons they hide it.
I can say the most COMMON reason they hide their alcohol use is because they are ashamed. If your husband is in one of the most stressful professions there is with the high expectations this sets up a precedent that he has to be strong and tough and cannot show his weaknesses. I don't know what the divorce rate is among cops...but just being a cop without substance abuse involved can be a strain on spouses and families. I think being in a relationship with anyone who has a stressful job would be a strain. My husband was a probation officer for a long time and even though he didn't see as much violence, he saw a lot of bad stuff and managed to bring some of negative stuff home with him. It hasn't been a cake walk.
The simple fact that he feels shame about his alcohol use tells me he is a good man who knows it is wrong, but a desperate man who reached for the bottle when he should have been reaching for other help and support. It can be lonely place when you do not feel people understand and will condemn you if you reveal you alcohol use. In my experience the reaction you get from people varies. Some don't care if you drink, because they do too and others would shun you while not really offering the support you need.
It's frustrating when you see a loved one struggling, hurting, needing help and you just cannot seem to help them. It's frustrating when people need to change, say they will change and maybe change for awhile, but revert back to old habits. I've come to realize that habits are hard to change, but not impossible, whatever the bad habit happens to be. And if the addict has enablers in their life, even harder. Once someone gets clean and sober, there is always that fear of relapse and how disappointed the addict is with theirself and how disappointed their loved ones are.
I can say the most COMMON reason they hide their alcohol use is because they are ashamed. If your husband is in one of the most stressful professions there is with the high expectations this sets up a precedent that he has to be strong and tough and cannot show his weaknesses. I don't know what the divorce rate is among cops...but just being a cop without substance abuse involved can be a strain on spouses and families. I think being in a relationship with anyone who has a stressful job would be a strain. My husband was a probation officer for a long time and even though he didn't see as much violence, he saw a lot of bad stuff and managed to bring some of negative stuff home with him. It hasn't been a cake walk.
The simple fact that he feels shame about his alcohol use tells me he is a good man who knows it is wrong, but a desperate man who reached for the bottle when he should have been reaching for other help and support. It can be lonely place when you do not feel people understand and will condemn you if you reveal you alcohol use. In my experience the reaction you get from people varies. Some don't care if you drink, because they do too and others would shun you while not really offering the support you need.
It's frustrating when you see a loved one struggling, hurting, needing help and you just cannot seem to help them. It's frustrating when people need to change, say they will change and maybe change for awhile, but revert back to old habits. I've come to realize that habits are hard to change, but not impossible, whatever the bad habit happens to be. And if the addict has enablers in their life, even harder. Once someone gets clean and sober, there is always that fear of relapse and how disappointed the addict is with theirself and how disappointed their loved ones are.
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