Why doesn't the anger stick?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
Why doesn't the anger stick?!
Struggling for the past couple of days, and I was going to post, but then I read other posts and it seems like everyone is going through the same thing, and others offer excellent advice that I have been able to apply to my circumstances but not today.
This happens all the time, we have a crisis, and I hate him, I'm angry and I don't care what happens to him. But then the anger subsides, and then I'm just sad for him, missing him, loving him. I'm trying to take the advice of trying to remember all of the hell that I went through. Why, why, why, does my brain always revert to the good times, the love, the fun, the dreams we shared?
It's been a slow roller coaster to hell for the past 5 years and yet with the divorce being finalized 10 days ago, I'm regretting it. I know it had to be done, but now I'm just sad...profoundly sad.
I spoke to his counselor at rehab yesterday and she said he is doing extremely well, working hard in the program, doing so well that they have offered him 30 more days to continue his recovery. The counselor said that if he hadn't been working and being disruptive they would boot him out. So I'm proud of him, I hope it works for him, and I know it's the right thing. But I miss him(or should I say I miss the old him), and I'm lonely.
Just venting, just sad, just confused, just lonely, just..., just..., just...
Is there an off switch for the brain?
This happens all the time, we have a crisis, and I hate him, I'm angry and I don't care what happens to him. But then the anger subsides, and then I'm just sad for him, missing him, loving him. I'm trying to take the advice of trying to remember all of the hell that I went through. Why, why, why, does my brain always revert to the good times, the love, the fun, the dreams we shared?
It's been a slow roller coaster to hell for the past 5 years and yet with the divorce being finalized 10 days ago, I'm regretting it. I know it had to be done, but now I'm just sad...profoundly sad.
I spoke to his counselor at rehab yesterday and she said he is doing extremely well, working hard in the program, doing so well that they have offered him 30 more days to continue his recovery. The counselor said that if he hadn't been working and being disruptive they would boot him out. So I'm proud of him, I hope it works for him, and I know it's the right thing. But I miss him(or should I say I miss the old him), and I'm lonely.
Just venting, just sad, just confused, just lonely, just..., just..., just...
Is there an off switch for the brain?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JLOB.....I think you are going to have to register a complaint with Mother Nature on this......
It appears, that, we humans have to propensity of selective recall. This provides some protective effect for us.....because, if we were to store all of the negative things that happen to us--along with the emotions that accompany these events....we would not be able to continue forward in life. We would literally become overwhelmed and unable to function.....
It is very physiological, also...because of the very intimate body-mind connections...we would have raging stress hormones at all times....and out very bodies would burn out......
As a matter of fact, some researchers have said that there are hormones that are released at times of great emotional or physical pain...such as Pitocin that is released at childbirth that nave an amnesic effect...
It is proposed that this happens in episodes of domestic abuse, also.....which can explain a lot......
There are reasons of the sadness, also. It is an expected process for what you are going through....
That is another l ong story (explanation)......lol......
dandylion
It appears, that, we humans have to propensity of selective recall. This provides some protective effect for us.....because, if we were to store all of the negative things that happen to us--along with the emotions that accompany these events....we would not be able to continue forward in life. We would literally become overwhelmed and unable to function.....
It is very physiological, also...because of the very intimate body-mind connections...we would have raging stress hormones at all times....and out very bodies would burn out......
As a matter of fact, some researchers have said that there are hormones that are released at times of great emotional or physical pain...such as Pitocin that is released at childbirth that nave an amnesic effect...
It is proposed that this happens in episodes of domestic abuse, also.....which can explain a lot......
There are reasons of the sadness, also. It is an expected process for what you are going through....
That is another l ong story (explanation)......lol......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There are a lot of off-switches for what you're dealing with (and I don't think it *is* the brain, even though emotions are making your brain spin into overtime)...we refer to these off-switches as alcohol, drugs, and anything else one can become addicted to.
The problem is, once you turn the brain back on, all the same emotions and problems we avoided dealing with are still sitting right there, demanding that we either deal with them or shut them out again...until next time.
This is one of those things you have to go through, because you can't get around.
The problem is, once you turn the brain back on, all the same emotions and problems we avoided dealing with are still sitting right there, demanding that we either deal with them or shut them out again...until next time.
This is one of those things you have to go through, because you can't get around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Why, why, why, does my brain always revert to the good times, the love, the fun, the dreams we shared?
this happens in the addict brain as well - only then it's called Euphoric Recall and is often the culprit in a relapse, or the inability to even consider quitting.
this happens in the addict brain as well - only then it's called Euphoric Recall and is often the culprit in a relapse, or the inability to even consider quitting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think that it's normal (or I hope it is) as part of grieving what is gone, to recall what was good while still being fully aware of how bad things were too...
I feel like that is part of being human.
I wish I could see things as black and white, good or bad bc then I would have felt so much less conflicted for so long and just swiftly left and not looked back.
The memories of what was good are a part of your history as much as the bad.
Maybe give yourself permission to feel them and be sad but still know that you did what was best for you?
I feel like that is part of being human.
I wish I could see things as black and white, good or bad bc then I would have felt so much less conflicted for so long and just swiftly left and not looked back.
The memories of what was good are a part of your history as much as the bad.
Maybe give yourself permission to feel them and be sad but still know that you did what was best for you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JL,
I know that you feel that now he is sober everything would have been perfect. It is really very very difficult for an addict to work a program. You are actually helping him by letting him concentrate on himself, not on a relationship.
Go to the new to recovery forum and read about all the addicts that fail in rehab. All the addicts that struggle day to day and what they go threw. This is his recovery, and you can't do anything for him. Let him do this on his own. You have done the best thing for both of you. I always said, my AXH was not going to kill himself on my watch!!
This is time for you do work on you. What are you doing to support yourself? We all need help walking out of a marriage, beside walking out of a marriage with the hell we went through with an addict. You need to work on your side of the street and stop supporting him.
No one says that you can't get back together with your x-husband. But if you don't get healthy yourself, it will never work. Take one day at a time, educate yourself about addiction and being an enabler to an addict. They say "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."
Hugs my friend, I hope you and him stay on the right path.
I know that you feel that now he is sober everything would have been perfect. It is really very very difficult for an addict to work a program. You are actually helping him by letting him concentrate on himself, not on a relationship.
Go to the new to recovery forum and read about all the addicts that fail in rehab. All the addicts that struggle day to day and what they go threw. This is his recovery, and you can't do anything for him. Let him do this on his own. You have done the best thing for both of you. I always said, my AXH was not going to kill himself on my watch!!
This is time for you do work on you. What are you doing to support yourself? We all need help walking out of a marriage, beside walking out of a marriage with the hell we went through with an addict. You need to work on your side of the street and stop supporting him.
No one says that you can't get back together with your x-husband. But if you don't get healthy yourself, it will never work. Take one day at a time, educate yourself about addiction and being an enabler to an addict. They say "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."
Hugs my friend, I hope you and him stay on the right path.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Maia-I told my ex that multiple times-I couldn't bear to watch him kill himself anymore. I couldn't bear to watch him act the way he did-it was disgusting to witness-he could be so much better than what he has turned into. But he has to fight for that and fight his demons, otherwise they run and ruin his life. You are doing the right thing-this is his battle - his alone. Nothing you do or don't do should have any effect on his sobriety, if he's working a program and not just white knuckling it. Peace, friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by maia1234 
JL,
I know that you feel that now he is sober everything would have been perfect. It is really very very difficult for an addict to work a program. You are actually helping him by letting him concentrate on himself, not on a relationship.
I know that you feel that now he is sober everything would have been perfect. It is really very very difficult for an addict to work a program. You are actually helping him by letting him concentrate on himself, not on a relationship.
But you're right, he does need to concentrate on himself and not on us, I believe that's why this facility only allows one 10 minute phone call per week, it keeps them focused on the reason they are there.
He mentioned to me that he is going to spend the rest of his life making amends to me, and I told him the only amends I need are for him to go and be successful, sober, and get back to the person that he used to be...but somewhere else, not around me. So I am looking out for both of our best interests, apart. I would never tell him that I have doubts, because that would just open the door to the return of the enabling cycle.
I've started therapy, and I'm reading Codependent No More, so I am doing what I need to do to work on me. I'm glad I can come here to vent my inner most secrets about what's happening. My friends and family are on the "F**K him train, you're better off without him." Which I totally understand, they just want what's best for me, but those sound bites don't help my broken heart.
You all, who have been where I am, are what are helping me to heal.
Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Why, why, why, does my brain always revert to the good times, the love, the fun, the dreams we shared?
this happens in the addict brain as well - only then it's called Euphoric Recall and is often the culprit in a relapse, or the inability to even consider quitting.
this happens in the addict brain as well - only then it's called Euphoric Recall and is often the culprit in a relapse, or the inability to even consider quitting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
JLOB-you're doing the right thing. As for friends and familu, take what they say with a grain of salt-if they haven't lived in an alcoholic marriage, they don't have a clue. Re his desire to spend his life making amends, just a word of caution-my then husband said all the same thjngs-"I'm going to spend my life making amends, will be a Godly father and Godly husband to you, I do want is to be happy, blah blah blah"...check my threads to see what he's done since those "promises". I'm not saying yours will do the same....I'm just saying that an addict can promise the moon and stars and promise things they know you want to hear-with no way to actually get there, although they may really mean it. Or in my exs case, he didn't mean one word-just pure manipulation and more of the cycle of abuse. The whole words vs actions, you know. Peace to you, friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
Forourgirls, yep I'm acutely aware of the promises. After 5 years, 40+ alcohol related hospitalizations, 1.8 million in medical bills, and 6 stints in rehab I've heard all of the B.S before, and this round I've called him on it every time. The soundbites that are always spoken during sobriety/rehabilitation..."this place is different", "they really understand me here" "I'm so sorry things will be different this time." I don't want to hear the crap anymore, just go somewhere and prove that you are better. I still don't want you back in my life or my house, but I only wish the best for him. A sober successful life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My X was the star pupil at rehab. He even stayed clean for an entire year after, which honestly just gave me false hope.
What he really is, a jerk with an addiction. Take the addiction away, and low and behold, after a year, the jerk and the addiction came right back.
Rehab immerses you into this little world where you are trying to heal. There is no temptation there, no chance to exhibit your bad behaviors, BECAUSE THEY WON'T STAND FOR IT! Maybe it will stick, maybe it won't.
I think the important thing is to ask what is good for YOU. You say you are lonely. I think that is a huge trigger that has people going back to unhealthy relationships all the time, the fear of being alone. Guess what, you need to find YOU. Take the time to get to know yourself, to discover your likes and dislikes, and to put yourself out there to grow. You deserve that.
Many hugs!
What he really is, a jerk with an addiction. Take the addiction away, and low and behold, after a year, the jerk and the addiction came right back.
Rehab immerses you into this little world where you are trying to heal. There is no temptation there, no chance to exhibit your bad behaviors, BECAUSE THEY WON'T STAND FOR IT! Maybe it will stick, maybe it won't.
I think the important thing is to ask what is good for YOU. You say you are lonely. I think that is a huge trigger that has people going back to unhealthy relationships all the time, the fear of being alone. Guess what, you need to find YOU. Take the time to get to know yourself, to discover your likes and dislikes, and to put yourself out there to grow. You deserve that.
Many hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Ha-hopeful-my ex was the same way during his "rehab stint" over a year aho....would call me and tell me how he had educated all these old timers and read them books and read the Bible to them every night-that even the doctor in charge didn't think he was an alcoholic....do these guys actually believe their own BS? Very sick, and so extremely arrogant it made me almost want to puke listening to it.
These guys are all alike! Seriously.
These guys are all alike! Seriously.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
