maia1234

Hey my SR friends, looking for some advice.

On Monday, axh came and picked up our 14 year old dog. We had a nice conversation and he said we need to go to dinner. I ignored him. During his time with the dog he text me telling me how nice it was to be with her. I agreed. He will be dropping her off tonight and I am sure he will bring up dinner, again.

The old me would give him a whole explanation of how his drinking destroyed our marriage, blah blah blah. The new me wants to show respect and compassion for someone I love, but not engage with him, knowing I will get hurt. I don't want to be rude and disrespectful but of course i always want to protect myself.

I can't say I am really busy, because he knows Im not. Any good comments that you have used that you could share. Not hurtful, but to the point that I would love to, but I can't go there, again.


I hope everyone has an awesome weekend!!!

LexieCat

All you need to say is that you don't think it's a good idea. If he presses for an explanation, just say you're divorced and don't care to socialize with him.

Expect an argument from him. Simply say it isn't up for discussion or debate.

It will be hard to resist launching into your "go-to" lecture, but give yourself a pep talk ahead of time and remind yourself it won't help and will only make you both feel worse.

ubntubnt

"sorry, but its not something that I want to do, I would appreciate it if you don't push the issue or raise it again, thanks"

Lilro

Good Morning

I agree with Lex. Why? Why does he want to go to dinner? Why?

Stay strong... Remember, your recovery is about you...

maia1234

I think while we were talking, he felt like it was "old times". Then again taking the dog, was again like "old times". He never wanted the divorce, I was the one who couldn't take it any longer. He would have "lived" like this forever. haha!!!

I know I do better with no contact, but he asks to see the old dog and I have to respect him for that. I need to be strong and not melt!!

God give me the strength to stay strong!!!!

Praying

"Thank you for the invitation, but that's not something I'm comfortable doing."

If pressed...

"Because that's how I feel." (End, no engaging. Change topic.)

"I", "me", "feel"....can't be argued. Nothing is about him, it's all about you and your needs.

SparkleKitty

"What's changed?"

hopeful4

How about just that you are not ready for that type of thing with him at this time?

Don't walk on eggshells about how he is going to react, you are past that. I agree that you should expect an argument, or some sort of negative reaction. I know it's nice to get along, but it doesn't usually last too long.

You have to focus on your own wants and needs, not his. Stay strong.

dandylion

;maia.....from where I sit....it looks like you have two basic choices....
1. Hurt now.....or.....2. Hurt later...

Having said that.....I do think that refusing the offer will be minor discomfort compared to choice number 2......

Setting boundaries and protecting your needs may not come easily to you....
but, you need to get used to doing it......

dandylion

***If he loves the dog...that IS a wonderful thing...it shows that he has a heart....
HOWEVER....many men instinctively know that a way to a woman's heart is through a dog (manipulation?).....
For example, my dog is a stunningly beautiful pure white dog with grey eyes.....
My gardener frequently wants to take my dog on a long walk through the neighborhoods.....he loves her, sure....but he frequently tells me that she(the dog) is a pure "chick magnet"......

hopeful4

Haha..Dandy, I had a neighbor in college with a beautiful German Shepard dog that he admitted that he got purely b/c she is a chick magnet! The dog actually stayed with my roommate and I more than it lived with it's owner!

dandylion

hopeful.....I can relate to that!! I have had many dogs....and I am especially attracted to German Shepards.....
I would have done the same thing...lol....

dandylion

AnonWife

Id say what you said here. You cant go there again. Looks like you need to be direct but kind. Saying you dont want either of you to hurt again.

marie1960

how bout a simple No Thank You. period.

change subject, leave, walk him to the door ( if you let him in)

Anything else you say after the No Thank You, is an opportunity for him to start a new dialogue, remember they do know how to play on our weakness.

take care

minime13

It's not rude or disrespectful to decline a dinner invitation, and you don't owe others explanations of why you would rather not partake in said invitation. "I would rather not" is more than enough of an explanation.

On the contrary, it would be rude and disrespectful for him to press you futher if you decline, so keep that in mind. If anyone else did not respect your wishes, would you give them the time of day to explain yourself? Alcoholics don't get special standards just because they're alcoholics.

maia1234

Thanks Everyone, it went fine.

He brought it up again and I was talking over him, so I acted like I didn't hear it. Then my phone rang and he left.

All that worry for nothing!!!

Thanks for all your support Everyone!!

gleefan

Maia - I've found for me that the new boundaries I've found in recovery can be hard to uphold with grace. Thanks for sharing.

MIRecovery

He is an ex you don't have to justify or even explain the why. No thanks is all that needs to be said.