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Hearing Update

Old 01-14-2016, 09:08 AM
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Hearing Update

So I filed the settlement, he did not come to the hearing but of course as NPD's do, convinced the clerk that he lived SO far away it was a burden for him to return Wed so he got to call in to the hearing whereas I had to be there and take time off of work.

The settlement was approved.

And unlike the default, he can't appeal this one (though I am sure he will try) because he agreed to it.

So, I guess the settlement was good to do in the end.

The judge was not convinced that I was sure about agreeing to it and I almost started to cry. Finally I said that I had qualms and was not comfortable with all parts of it, but that in the interest of being able to have this end, after the Respondent's efforts to prolong it for 3 years and in hopes that by settling, it would mean less acrimony for my kids sake, I agreed to it".

The x at this point muttered "shut the **** up" ON THE COURT RECORD because he was on the phone.

Class act.

So it is done.

And I left the court and have been crying off and on since.

I thought I would be happy and relieved and instead I am sad and feel like I failed at marriage, at being a spouse, at giving my kids a good home and family and I even failed at having a backbone and sticking with the divorce that probably should have been granted on fault grounds.

To settle, I agreed to have it read "irreconcilable differences" so it sounds like Im equally to blame is how the xAH/NPD sees it...

Last night the xAH/NPD wrote me and told me that after much thought he is not planning to return the girls to me this weekend or adhere to the parenting plan and that he will keep them all weekend (therefore keeping me from taking them to my sister's before she moves to Europe to say goodbye) and that I will need to take him to court if I expect him to adhere to the settlement order or parenting plan.

So ultimately, he settled and I settled and now that there is no looming threat of his being exposed in court and he got away with not being held accountable, he's still taunting me to take him to court.

I am worn out, he's still abusing me and I am not sure what to do anymore.
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:12 AM
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then don't let him have the girls.....you have a written record that he plans to violate the settlement. within minutes of the final decree, no less. i suspected he had motives with this settlement, but i also suspect he would violate whatever order is in place.
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:32 AM
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know what, I'd tighten my belt, keep the girls, file a contempt motion right away
using his text as evidence.

Don't let him get away with anything.
He thinks you are too worn out or weak?
Show him different.

Ring your lawyer and forward that text to her today and
ask her about best response.

He's already boundary testing--don't give a centimeter
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:38 AM
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I am ready to throw the towel in.

The endless court drama and the fact that he THRIVES on conflict and WANTS me to file to have him be in contempt is reason in my mind to NOT do so.

I am going to send the kids as I am required bc he is coming for 'his' time this weekend. And when and if he does not return them, THEN I will notify the police.

That is my plan.

It's a court order that says he has them for x time. Admitting he plans to refuse to return them, is something I think might be criminal and not just a contempt issue.

So I hope he does it since the criminal court is the only one he fears.
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:39 AM
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I agree - don't give. File.

Edit to say, your idea sounds better. I should stay out of this stuff, anyway. I don't even have kids.

Good luck to you. At some point he will get tired too. Sounds like one last time to pay you back for yesterday.

Exhausting. ((hug))
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:44 AM
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Wow, I'm so sorry. I so understand what it feels like to try and play by the rules but it feels as if everything is always skewed to benefit the person that is bending or breaking them.
I don't have any sage advice, other then continue to do the right things as outlined in your agreements, and hopefully sooner rather then later he will grow tired of being a douche and move on. And perhaps the courts will eventually rule completely in your favor or throw his ass in jail for contempt. Wouldn't that be poetic
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:49 AM
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My friend it hurts my heart to hear that you feel like you failed. If we wouldn't allow someone to say something to our best friend, we shouldn't be saying the same things to ourselves.

I have no experience to offer here, but I know that nurturing those negative thoughts won't help you here. Sending strength, hugs, and tons & tons of admiration and respect.
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:54 AM
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Well, do you need to clearly respond to him in writing that it is not OK
and that he had better return the children and follow the parenting plan or face the consequences?
If you don't say anything to disagree, it could well be interpreted as you complying.
It seems to me you'd be on more solid legal footing this way,
but that's a question for Lexie I suppose. . .
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:58 AM
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I'm so sorry he is a d!ck. Kinda wonder if he isn't taunting you and just trying to cause you grief; however, you have the court order and calling the police is exactly what I would do if he refuses to return them.
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Old 01-14-2016, 10:08 AM
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I think that's a good plan. Doing something like that here would be considered "custodial interference" and is a criminal offense, especially if it was premeditated.
I only had to deal with mine for a year, and I thought that was exhausting. You are an incredible, strong woman to fight this fight for your children for so long. You have not failed at anything, nor are you to blame for this debacle. That's all on him. I don't think any human woman could "succeed" at marriage with a man like this.
Sending strength your way.
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Old 01-14-2016, 10:26 AM
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Yes, calling the police is a great plan if he doesn't return them on time! Hang in there - you haven't failed at anything here. All I see is someone who fought a big battle with courage! You have succeeded at getting yourself out of a horrible situation, and that is NOT easy - especially with someone like him. (((WTBH)))
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Old 01-14-2016, 10:43 AM
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Sending hugs, WTBH, and wishing you peace and continued strength.

His control is slipping away, WTBH, and you're moving out of his reach. I know it doesn't feel like it, believe me, I know, but you are.

I think it's normal to feel drained and conflicted after what you've already been through and what he's doing now. Please be gentle with yourself. Remember to rest when you need it, eat, find little ways to do something nice for yourself.
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Old 01-14-2016, 11:28 AM
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Many,many hugs to you.
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Old 01-14-2016, 12:09 PM
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Please please go buy the following book-"splitting-protecting yourself while divorcing somebody with BPD or NPD".....it will explain in exact detail what's going on and why he's doing it. Don't give up!!! Friend, that's what he wants-this is just a game to him and the kids are pawns-things to use. So sorry.....please don't give up. You may want to find some support (narcissistic support group) for specific stuff like this....Tina swithin has a great community (private forum you join) and her Facebook page (one moms battle) is a fabulous resource and place to get feedback. Hugs and peace to you-you are brave and strong and courageous!!
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Old 01-14-2016, 04:18 PM
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and get a pad of paper and journal everything for court, if you have to go there again. Write the date and time of encounter (phone or in person) and what was said. sign each entry.

Hugs and Love to you
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Old 01-14-2016, 06:15 PM
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So sorry you are going through this.

Just a different thought, when he has the kids do something for you!

For me, hanging out with my girlfriends, that give off strong/positive vibes, without the kids or AH, always gives me a burst of energy to deal with whatever my AH may be trying next.
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Old 01-14-2016, 06:35 PM
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(((((HUGS)))) I can't pretend to know how stressed this makes you feel. I CAN say that this in NO way makes you any kind of failure.

Maybe you had an expectation of a big finale, a big moment of relief or feeling that things had now changed? Maybe it's more about embracing the absurdity of the reality that it is not going to change until the kids are old enough to choose to stay away from him 100%. He's not going to change who he is until he finally runs out of luck or pixie dust or whatever the heck it is that keeps fueling him.

I 2nd the idea of spending some of your alone time doing something really indulgent or self-care-centric. You DESERVE that, at the very least!!
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:08 PM
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I'm sorry you're still dealing with this ridiculous crap.

One thing--I don't know how the police work in your jurisdiction, but in situations like these we generally treated it as a civil matter. Even though, in our state, there's a charge for interference with custody, it generally has to do with concealing the children, rather than simply not abiding by the parenting order. Now the JUDGE who issued the order could hold him in contempt, fine him, etc., but in my state the police wouldn't arrest him and take the kids back to you (unless they felt the kids were in danger).

So you might want to call your local police department and prosecutor's office and explain what he's threatening and find out how it would be handled if he refused to return the kids as he's threatening to do, before you decide whether to let them go to his house. I think if you refused to send them on the grounds of the threat he made you would be well-justified in not sending them. Might want to consult a lawyer on that one.

It really, really sucks, I know, but he'd be doing the same thing whether you settled or not. On a positive note, it sounds like you've got the judge's sympathy at this point, which can only help, going forward.

Hugs,
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Old 01-15-2016, 07:07 AM
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I second what Lexie said. It's the same here. Custody is a civil matter, and the police will not get involved unless the children are in harms way.

I don't know how this works (Lexie maybe you can advise), but since this hearing just happened, I am thinking the judge would be pretty ticked to hear this. Can you possibly get a copy of this to the judge??

Hugs to you!
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Old 01-15-2016, 07:22 AM
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Well, it's tricky. Just saying he's going to ignore the order isn't the same as ignoring it. So he wouldn't be in contempt unless/until he actually DID ignore it. So I don't think you could have him pre-emptively held in contempt.

It would possibly be grounds for an application for supervised visitation, though, if he can't be trusted to return the children in compliance with the order. Might want to look into filing a motion for that--it would get the case back in front of the judge faster, and you might be able to head it off at the pass. Just a thought--NOT legal advice.
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