chloe210

Hello all, this is my first post here. I have been reading your stories for the past few weeks which have helped me enormously to understand my situation and to take action.

I'm 49 years old and in September I met a charming attractive, funny 50 year old man online, who I really liked and fell in awe with, being caught in a romantic whirlwind, I let him move in with me way too soon, before I realised he had serious alcohol abuse issues. He denied having a drinking problem all along, but in those 2 months of cohabiting my life rapidly became unbearable. He stopped working, was ill and miserable all the time from drinking, became lazy and stopped contributing to housework or cooking in any shape or form. He stopped making any effort towards me, we never went anywhere except to a bar (I don't drink) , and he saved his good days for his drinking and drugs buddies, where the cycle of binge drinking followed by days of illness would happen all over again. I am struggling financially anyway, but covering the cost of food and bills for the two of us I saw my savings rapidly disappear. When he did earn any money it vanished. I had sleepless nights from constantly being woken up by him drunk at 4am, and I quickly started to feel trapped and depressed in my own home. I tried talking to him about his drinking and how badly it was affecting me, but it made no difference to his behaviour. Towards the end he made some vague promise about stopping, but I had little faith that he would follow through. His own family are alcoholics. His doctor warned him to cut back, and he has had lung problems because of the smoking. It's like some kind of death wish.

Anyway, thanks to learning about other people's nightmare stories on this site and others, and with the help of my friends, I decided he had to go before I got in any deeper. I created a situation to get him permanently out of my home, without too much emotional drama.

It was very tough because it all happened over Xmas, and I felt guilty. Around Xmas he told me he was staying in a trailer and had no money for food, so I sent him him a little money ( i.e. for alcohol) due to my own guilt.

Two days ago I just saw him for the first time in 2 weeks, and he is basically now homeless and totally broke and of course depressed and feeling like a failure. He is now sleeping on a friend's floor and told me he has nowhere to go as of next week. We didn't discuss our relationship, I felt there was no point, but he did say he felt he'd been selfish towards me. I didn't break up with him officially there and then, but he has no expectations. I felt it was too cruel when he's at such a low point.

Even though my logical brain tells me I did the right thing getting him out, why I am still worrying about him and feeling responsible for his wellbeing? He certainly didn't care about my wellbeing! Yet when I saw him he totally charmed me again, and I felt empathy towards him and emotionally confused. He told me he loved me and missed me. When I tried to talk through his problems with finding a place to live, and finding work etc, everything practical I suggested was met with resistance. He has work offers on the table, yet he just finds excuses not to follow through. He seems to be acting helpless. I think probably he was hoping I would let him move back in.

He wants to come by and collect some of his stuff, which is still stored outside at the front of the house. I know he'll want to come inside but I don't want to let him in, in case he won't leave. I want to stay on good terms if possible but not have to deal with his dire problems. Is it possible to be friends or is it too risky? I can't afford to have him drag me down with him, yet I admit I still have residual feelings for him.

I'm confused! I don't understand why I'm still torn like this. I mean, I do understand intellectually, but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.

dandylion

chloe210.......I am sorry that you have had this experience.
You probably already know that here is no easy way out.....

You can blame Mother Nature for some of your discomfort....for the hormones of attraction and BONDING. while it is good for the propagation and the continuation of our species.....it can be exquisitely painful when the bonding is ...or must be broken.
Here is the thing---whether the relationship is good or bad....the loss and the p ain feel the SAME!

Thankfully....you have enough of a sense of self preservation to end it early......
some people don't and hang on for years in the destruction.....

You can't do any more for him. He might be hitting bottom....but who knows.....
He has to want sobriety for himself.....right now...you want it more than he does.
The worst thing you could do to him, right now, would be to continue to carry him or enable him. There is pleanty of help for him---if and when he ever wants it.

You are grieving the loss of a relationship that you wanted.....and, that will last for a while longer. Expect it...and, roll with it...as there is no other way...
I call it "short-term pain for long-term gain".

Resist feeling guilty. You didn't cause it--you can't control it--and, you can't "fix" it.

I hope you hang around and continue to read and learn....

***helpful hint: beware of moving too fast and intensely in new relationships...
It takes a l ong time to get to really know a person.....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

He sounds like a nightmare. I can never understand how the mind works with people like this; they seem comfortable taking from others and giving nothing in return. The thing is it does them no good in the long run because they always seem down and out.

You've done what you have to do and I'm sure you have a good handle on your feelings of guilt i.e. you can feel it, but not act on it. Your instincts are right; don't let him into the house again, especially as you still have feelings for him. Make an excuse like you're going out in a minute, then shut the door.

teatreeoil007

You did the right thing, even though it's tugging at your heart... Because you're not heartless ... But you can't let him sponge off you and keep you awake at 4 am with his drinkin! That's madness darlin!

LexieCat

You feel for him because you're a compassionate person, you cared about this man, and he's obviously suffering. The thing is, you can't relieve his suffering--only he can do that if he decides to give up drinking and do the hard work that all of that involves.

Remaining "friends" with him will only keep you in misery one way or another. You'll either give in and go back to enabling him to drink by giving him money or a "temporary" place to stay, or you'll be stuck watching helplessly as he continues his downward spiral.

I've been around AA since my first husband got sober almost 36 years ago, and I'm sober 7 years, myself. I can't tell you how many sober alcoholics say that they became willing only when their "score card read zero." For some people that's what it takes--for some, nothing is enough--they continue drinking to the bitter end. Either way you don't need a front row seat for it.

Let him pick up his stuff, wish him well, and say goodbye.

chloe210

So true, and so helpful to be reminded of this. I will reread these words again and again until it sinks in. Thank you for your words of widsom.

chloe210

I changed my locks just in case he had made copies. All the time he was 'sponging' at first I didn't realise, as he was so appreciative. It didn't take long before he took everything for granted. I've never had an experience like this before in my life- thankfully. I get the feeling that he's used/abused a lot of his friends' goodwill, and the only ones left are fellow alcoholics and drug dealers.

Thank you for your advice

Hawkeye13

Pack up his stuff and leave it outside, or drop it off somewhere
Under no circumstances let him in your house again
You are right--he's looking for a soft landing and you are clearly the target.

He has to hit bottom and choose something else for himself.
Until he wants to get a job and quit drinking, he'll be looking
for someone else to take care of things so he doesn't
have to put down the bottle.

You can have compassion, caring and love for this person
just do it from a distance and respect him enough to let him
find his own way--he's an intelligent adult, after all.

P.S. Don't give him any more money for any reason
or he'll never stop asking. Really.

chloe210

So hard to do. But I know it's probably the only way for my own wellbeing and sanity. It's what my close friends advise me also.

Having to let someone hit total rockbottom before they will face up to the problem- it's harsh, but makes sense. I don't know if I can do this final step....

chloe210

That's a wonderful way of putting it, and if I think like that, it doesn't seem so difficult. I do think he has to deal with his own life as a man, and sort out his own problems. It is respectful to think of it like that. We all have to be responsible for our own actions.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful input.

I won't be sending any more money- I can't afford it anyway!

LexieCat

Here's something that helped me when I left my alcoholic husband of six months (he'd gone back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure).

I knew I'd done everything I could do to help. I pictured myself placing him in the hands of his own Higher Power, who could do a lot more than I could. I wasn't abandoning him, I was turning him over.

chloe210

One of the things that has troubled me was his denial of the problem. So much so that I sometimes still wonder if I imagined it all, and that maybe I over reacted to the drinking, and that maybe the drinking wasn't that bad, it's just me being square.
Then I try to remember the facts, because I started to write things down, so that I wouldn't lose my sanity. And I reread my notes from time to time.

On the last night in my home he drank from 4pm -midnight, and came home and finished off with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, after taking Ketamine ( a horse tranquilliser). He stood in my bedroom with his coat on, while I lay in bed and talked at me, till 4am. I kept thinking, this is the last night, the last time I'll have to put up with this. Then he passed out on the sofa.
And even now I sometimes reflect back and think 'does he really have a drinking problem or was he just a Bon Viveur, am I the one with the problem?'

So strange how I rapidly lost confidence in my own account, after only two months. I think that scared me the most, that I was becoming unrecognisable to myself.

velma929

he has learned how to get others to take care of his needs.
Almost.
Sleeping on the floor of a friend's apartment and soon to be evicted from that? It didn't take long to wear out his welcome.

"...everything practical I suggested was met with resistance. He has work offers on the table, yet he just finds excuses not to follow through. He seems to be acting helpless. "

Well if you *can* get others to provide for you, why not?

Late husband did nothing about finding work toward the end. One day, he mentioned finishing up construction/renovation on the second bathroom in the house, since once we had a second bathroom he'd "be able to look for a job."

Huh? I grew up in the fifties and sixties. Whole families managed for everyone to get their morning ablutions done in one bathroom.

chloe210

True. And these close friends are drug dealers, people he's known for twenty years or more. Even they have boundaries!

Cyranoak

Please consider Alanon before you make a fatal mistake.

chloe210

Thank you, I have considered it, and found a local group near where I live. They meet on Tuesdays.

I just want to add, that this guy has/had normal friends too, but I never met any of them in the 2 months. Only the heavy drinkers. It's only them that seem to have time for him.

Writing all of this on this forum has really bought it home how extreme all of this is, and yet it became 'normal' for me in a short space of time.

honeypig

I think both of those things are very common here, chloe. Most of us didn't really see how crazy our lives had become until we started writing it down, or until someone here said "if your sister or girlfriend came to you and told you this, what would you think?"

And yes, it's alarming just how fast we get used to it. That's where Alanon and SR can help in the long run, as well as in the crisis of the moment--we can learn how to get healthy enough that we DON'T accept the unacceptable again in the future.

SR and Alanon have worked together for me very well. I'm glad you're willing to try another Alanon meeting--they can have VERY different flavors. It can take several tries to get comfortable, but it's so worth the effort.

Glad you found us--welcome, and I hope to see you around!

NYCDoglvr

I suggest having someone with you when he comes to collect his stuff. Keep discussion to a minimum.

AnvilheadII

online, who I really liked and fell in awe with, being caught in a romantic whirlwind, I let him move in with me way too soon, before I realised he had serious alcohol abuse issues.

chloe, there are some really valuable take-aways from this whirlwind affair.....and i hope you see each one as a GIFT that you get to take with you.

chloe210

'A gift' ....maybe in time it I'll see it like that, today I admit I was feeling a little sorry for myself! I was trying to see the positives but couldn't think of many...

except that at least I got my home and my life back....