Just got rid of my ABF
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
It sounds like you're still hoping to teach him "what should be learned" from his relationship with you, by having this break up talk in which you identify his alcoholism as the problem. I know that impulse to teach the alcoholic/addict a lesson; I've been there! I too have tried desperately to teach my addict exes the error of their ways. It never worked, and I've had to accept that it's not my job to identify the moral of the story for anyone else. In fact, it's pretty arrogant of me to think it's my job to teach other adults how to live. They are grown up and deserve the dignity to make their own decisions. My task is to figure out MY OWN lessons. What I learned from my last ex is that I have a tendency to put up with unacceptable behavior and need to learn to set healthy boundaries and refuse to compromise my values. Maybe you should focus on yourself instead of him, and try to figure out what lesson this relationship and breakup is teaching YOU?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
I am really grateful, thank you all for your generosity and wisdom in your answers. It's so helpful to hear from experienced people, which helps prevent me from making any dumb mistakes in my moments of doubt.
I hear what you are all saying. He probably does know his own issues deep down and I don't need to spell it out for him. I personally have learnt a lot of lessons from this experience, and am still learning.
You are right, he is not my problem. And if we had never met, he would most likely be in this mess anyway. It helps me to think like that.
The good news is that I've had such a great weekend, been seeing my friends and going out, doing the things I enjoy. I feel like I'm almost getting back to normal.
I'm going to sleep on it and let these valuable thoughts sink in.
Thank you
I hear what you are all saying. He probably does know his own issues deep down and I don't need to spell it out for him. I personally have learnt a lot of lessons from this experience, and am still learning.
You are right, he is not my problem. And if we had never met, he would most likely be in this mess anyway. It helps me to think like that.
The good news is that I've had such a great weekend, been seeing my friends and going out, doing the things I enjoy. I feel like I'm almost getting back to normal.
I'm going to sleep on it and let these valuable thoughts sink in.
Thank you
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Hello everyone, I wanted to come back after a few weeks to share my latest experience with my XABF. Despite all the excellent advice I was given, I took a lot of it in and acted on it, but I still managed to make some mistakes, as Dandelion said, I would probably do what I wanted anyway, and that's exactly what happened...
I maintained a very distant relationship with my XABF, wanting to be supportive, but without stepping in to help. This was my way of coping with the disappointment, and gradually letting go of my emotional attachment. It was my way of understanding I had done the right thing, as hearing about his now disintegrating life reaffirmed the rightness of my decision and reminded me of his continued destructive life choices as a 50 year old man.
And then out of the blue he called me two days ago, I was feeling a little low that day and perhaps receptive to talking more than usual. He literally talked to me 4 hours. At first about ordinary day to day stuff- he had no money for electricity or food etc. He had pawned his remaining valuables, he had no money for rent. And then late that night he rang again, for another 4 hours, and I have to report that something very strange happened to me...
He totally laid on the charm, he created this totally fantasy world where he was an incredible person with a bright future, that he would take me to amazing places that I couldn't even begin to imagine. That he loved me and all he could think about was me, that he desired me more than ever, that he wanted to take care of me and make me happy. At first the cynic in me shrugged all this off, slightly cringing on the other end of the phone, and I kept trying to get off the phone. He wanted to come over and spend the night with me, but I said no, I didn't want him inside my home again, ever. But as the call went on, the more he repeated himself, the less cynicism I had, and it was like I began to take in his words, and became sort of hypnotised. He went on and on, repeating, until I could no longer distinguish what I knew to be true, and what he wanted me to believe, I felt some of my feelings for him return in a confusing way, I began to lose all judgement. I felt frightened and out of control, he was a confusing mix of warmth, tenderness and deadliness. He kept telling me he wanted me back, again and again, that there was no one else he wanted more than me. Luckily, after 4 hours, my phone battery suddenly died, I went straight to bed, bewildered and worn down.
In the morning I woke up and straight away made a small online bank payment into his account. This went against everything I had resolved not to do.
Then as the day went on, I felt still confused and disorientated.
I walked along the street feeling fearful. Out of the blue, a friend called me. She asked what was wrong. I told her about the phone call. She said she didn't recognise me, that I sounded very strange. I couldn't even talk normally. She told me to immediately block his number. So I did. And not to answer the door. I was in an ultra suggestive state of mind- maybe if she'd told me to jump up and down I'd have done that too.
Anyway, here I am, in one piece, a few days later. I don't know what happened but my friend said it was like I was being groomed.
I have learnt the hard way, I should have cut off all contact before, when I first got him out of my house. I should have, but I didn't.
So now his number and whatsapp are blocked, I have had a few days of peace of mind and I am getting back to myself and normality. I came back on here to read stories and remind myself...
I wanted to share this latest part of my journey, maybe some of you will understand how scary it was, how close I came to disaster.
My friend said I was an intelligent women, she couldn't believe how this could happen, how he could get inside my head like that.
Yet it happened.
I maintained a very distant relationship with my XABF, wanting to be supportive, but without stepping in to help. This was my way of coping with the disappointment, and gradually letting go of my emotional attachment. It was my way of understanding I had done the right thing, as hearing about his now disintegrating life reaffirmed the rightness of my decision and reminded me of his continued destructive life choices as a 50 year old man.
And then out of the blue he called me two days ago, I was feeling a little low that day and perhaps receptive to talking more than usual. He literally talked to me 4 hours. At first about ordinary day to day stuff- he had no money for electricity or food etc. He had pawned his remaining valuables, he had no money for rent. And then late that night he rang again, for another 4 hours, and I have to report that something very strange happened to me...
He totally laid on the charm, he created this totally fantasy world where he was an incredible person with a bright future, that he would take me to amazing places that I couldn't even begin to imagine. That he loved me and all he could think about was me, that he desired me more than ever, that he wanted to take care of me and make me happy. At first the cynic in me shrugged all this off, slightly cringing on the other end of the phone, and I kept trying to get off the phone. He wanted to come over and spend the night with me, but I said no, I didn't want him inside my home again, ever. But as the call went on, the more he repeated himself, the less cynicism I had, and it was like I began to take in his words, and became sort of hypnotised. He went on and on, repeating, until I could no longer distinguish what I knew to be true, and what he wanted me to believe, I felt some of my feelings for him return in a confusing way, I began to lose all judgement. I felt frightened and out of control, he was a confusing mix of warmth, tenderness and deadliness. He kept telling me he wanted me back, again and again, that there was no one else he wanted more than me. Luckily, after 4 hours, my phone battery suddenly died, I went straight to bed, bewildered and worn down.
In the morning I woke up and straight away made a small online bank payment into his account. This went against everything I had resolved not to do.
Then as the day went on, I felt still confused and disorientated.
I walked along the street feeling fearful. Out of the blue, a friend called me. She asked what was wrong. I told her about the phone call. She said she didn't recognise me, that I sounded very strange. I couldn't even talk normally. She told me to immediately block his number. So I did. And not to answer the door. I was in an ultra suggestive state of mind- maybe if she'd told me to jump up and down I'd have done that too.
Anyway, here I am, in one piece, a few days later. I don't know what happened but my friend said it was like I was being groomed.
I have learnt the hard way, I should have cut off all contact before, when I first got him out of my house. I should have, but I didn't.
So now his number and whatsapp are blocked, I have had a few days of peace of mind and I am getting back to myself and normality. I came back on here to read stories and remind myself...
I wanted to share this latest part of my journey, maybe some of you will understand how scary it was, how close I came to disaster.
My friend said I was an intelligent women, she couldn't believe how this could happen, how he could get inside my head like that.
Yet it happened.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Under the circumstances, NO contact of any kind is what's called for, here. I'm glad you blocked the number, but considering how he had you hooked the other day (and trust me, he KNOWS), I would expect notes, a card, stopping by your place of employment, etc. (acting worried to DEATH about you after he couldn't reach you by phone).
Practice saying, in your most deadpan manner, "I wish you the best, but do NOT contact me again. It is over between us. I don't want to see you or hear from you." Don't even give him the chance to get a word in. Hang up the phone, close the door, or walk away. If he persists after that, contact the police. I'm not sure of the stalking laws in the UK (and at this point, anyway, he hasn't crossed the line), but there is probably at least some kind of anti-harassment law, and the police can inform him that he is likely to be arrested unless he respects your wishes for no contact.
He was surviving before he met you, and he'll continue to survive one way or another. Maybe he'll find another enabler to charm, or maybe at some point he will decide to get sober. Either way, it's his life, not yours.
Glad your phone died when it did.
Practice saying, in your most deadpan manner, "I wish you the best, but do NOT contact me again. It is over between us. I don't want to see you or hear from you." Don't even give him the chance to get a word in. Hang up the phone, close the door, or walk away. If he persists after that, contact the police. I'm not sure of the stalking laws in the UK (and at this point, anyway, he hasn't crossed the line), but there is probably at least some kind of anti-harassment law, and the police can inform him that he is likely to be arrested unless he respects your wishes for no contact.
He was surviving before he met you, and he'll continue to survive one way or another. Maybe he'll find another enabler to charm, or maybe at some point he will decide to get sober. Either way, it's his life, not yours.
Glad your phone died when it did.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Chloe,
I just read the entire thread and can tell you that your experience is not all that unusual as your XAB like many of our XAB's have perfected their survival skills to an art that in Hollywood would earn them an Oscar! What I learned about my XAB was that he chameleons to whatever works to enable him to continue to drink and that has historically included sucking a woman into the vortex of his life to become his ultimate enabler, cheerleader and benefactor.
Strong and wise women are not immune from the fantasy/illusion that the A creates because the extremely strong feelings we have for these men will trump logic when under their spell. All the more reason to avoid contact... it is toxic for us and sets us back from the total healing needed.
Remember the snake story? A rattlesnake asks a young girl to carry it up the mountain as it is cold and tired. She protests that it would bite her and kill her but he keeps begging pitifully and begging until she begins to trust the snake and she picks it up and carries it up the mountain.
She set the snake down and it immediately bit her and she was shocked and told the snake that "he had promised"!
The snake replied "You knew what I was when you picked me up".
And your XAB has shown you who he is... not trustworthy, not honest, does not wish to change or stop drinking and has the ability to charm the birds out of the trees to get what he wants.
Don't feel alone... we have all been duped many times by men just like this guy. When he calls, texts or shows up at your door imagine his face as being a rattlesnake hissing instead of the sweet nothings he murmurs. It will help!
I just read the entire thread and can tell you that your experience is not all that unusual as your XAB like many of our XAB's have perfected their survival skills to an art that in Hollywood would earn them an Oscar! What I learned about my XAB was that he chameleons to whatever works to enable him to continue to drink and that has historically included sucking a woman into the vortex of his life to become his ultimate enabler, cheerleader and benefactor.
Strong and wise women are not immune from the fantasy/illusion that the A creates because the extremely strong feelings we have for these men will trump logic when under their spell. All the more reason to avoid contact... it is toxic for us and sets us back from the total healing needed.
Remember the snake story? A rattlesnake asks a young girl to carry it up the mountain as it is cold and tired. She protests that it would bite her and kill her but he keeps begging pitifully and begging until she begins to trust the snake and she picks it up and carries it up the mountain.
She set the snake down and it immediately bit her and she was shocked and told the snake that "he had promised"!
The snake replied "You knew what I was when you picked me up".
And your XAB has shown you who he is... not trustworthy, not honest, does not wish to change or stop drinking and has the ability to charm the birds out of the trees to get what he wants.
Don't feel alone... we have all been duped many times by men just like this guy. When he calls, texts or shows up at your door imagine his face as being a rattlesnake hissing instead of the sweet nothings he murmurs. It will help!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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A close shave Chloe. He's obviously survived until now because he's an expert predator and can spot his victims. If you bothered to look back into his past I bet you'd find a string of women like you, and no doubt he's busy looking for another right now. Be glad you're out of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Posts: 53
There are a string of disappointed women in his past. He claims some of them were just friends, but i'm sure they were just like me.
Anyway, thank you so much for you responses, I can't tell you how supportive it feels. I am keeping myself busy now, and visiting friends, so that I'm not alone. I won't be answering the door at all for a while. Unfortunately he's staying only 10 minutes away.
It's scary how quickly I lost my sense of self. He knew all my buttons, all my weak points, all the things I would want to hear. My inner vulnerabilities.
Anyway, thank you so much for you responses, I can't tell you how supportive it feels. I am keeping myself busy now, and visiting friends, so that I'm not alone. I won't be answering the door at all for a while. Unfortunately he's staying only 10 minutes away.
It's scary how quickly I lost my sense of self. He knew all my buttons, all my weak points, all the things I would want to hear. My inner vulnerabilities.
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Posts: 53
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Under the circumstances, NO contact of any kind is what's called for, here. I'm glad you blocked the number, but considering how he had you hooked the other day (and trust me, he KNOWS), I would expect notes, a card, stopping by your place of employment, etc. (acting worried to DEATH about you after he couldn't reach you by phone).
Practice saying, in your most deadpan manner, "I wish you the best, but do NOT contact me again. It is over between us. I don't want to see you or hear from you." Don't even give him the chance to get a word in. Hang up the phone, close the door, or walk away. If he persists after that, contact the police. I'm not sure of the stalking laws in the UK (and at this point, anyway, he hasn't crossed the line), but there is probably at least some kind of anti-harassment law, and the police can inform him that he is likely to be arrested unless he respects your wishes for no contact.
He was surviving before he met you, and he'll continue to survive one way or another. Maybe he'll find another enabler to charm, or maybe at some point he will decide to get sober. Either way, it's his life, not yours.
Glad your phone died when it did.
Practice saying, in your most deadpan manner, "I wish you the best, but do NOT contact me again. It is over between us. I don't want to see you or hear from you." Don't even give him the chance to get a word in. Hang up the phone, close the door, or walk away. If he persists after that, contact the police. I'm not sure of the stalking laws in the UK (and at this point, anyway, he hasn't crossed the line), but there is probably at least some kind of anti-harassment law, and the police can inform him that he is likely to be arrested unless he respects your wishes for no contact.
He was surviving before he met you, and he'll continue to survive one way or another. Maybe he'll find another enabler to charm, or maybe at some point he will decide to get sober. Either way, it's his life, not yours.
Glad your phone died when it did.
My phone battery saved the day.
My friend said this is how people are recruited to join ISIS- by continual repetition until the subject's resistance is worn down!
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chloe....if you like the snake story.....it is actually taken from the lyrics of The Snake" song.....which was sung by Al Wilson in the late 60's......(I believe that it was actually written by Oscar Brown?)......inspired by one of Aesop's fables....The Farmer and the Viper.....(as per Wikipedia)
If you go onto youtube....you will find several recordings of that song....it has been very popular over the years....
I think I first heard sung by Frank Sinatra....when I was going through a very painful breakup...several years ago.....gasp!
I love the song....I think it is a real classic piece of writing.....
dandylion
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Thanks Dandelion, I'll check it out!
Yesterday I sent him a final email, saying that I did not want any contact ever again. I thought the blocking of his phone number would not be enough, and might provoke him to come round to my home. At least now I've written the email, there can be no misunderstandings.
Yesterday I sent him a final email, saying that I did not want any contact ever again. I thought the blocking of his phone number would not be enough, and might provoke him to come round to my home. At least now I've written the email, there can be no misunderstandings.
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10 days of no contact and it was all going so well....Then yesterday I got a letter from Court Enforcement officers seeking payment for an unpaid DUI fine in his name, which if it is not paid within 2 weeks, means they will come and take away possessions to the value of it. Not only that, if I am not at home, they have the right to break the door down and seize belongings.
What a nightmare! He had no right to use my address. Also, the onus is on me to prove he is not here anymore. In the UK, the court hands over the job to bailiffs, and you have to deal directly with them, and they are not sympathetic; apparently a lot of people deny living at the addresses the letter arrives at.
It's shocking how much trouble just a few months of having this narcissistic person in my life has caused.
What a nightmare! He had no right to use my address. Also, the onus is on me to prove he is not here anymore. In the UK, the court hands over the job to bailiffs, and you have to deal directly with them, and they are not sympathetic; apparently a lot of people deny living at the addresses the letter arrives at.
It's shocking how much trouble just a few months of having this narcissistic person in my life has caused.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
I don't know if you've looked at this https://www.gov.uk/your-rights-baili...bailiff-visits already.
My understanding is they can't just break in without any warning.
It isn't your fine; do you know where he is? If so, give his location to the court/bailiffs and don't warn the moron that you've done it. If this was me, I'd also report him for fraud.
I'm angry on your behalf. Not only that, it reminds me of my first husband (gambling addict) who, not two weeks after buying a house (guess who was paying the mortgage) took out a secured loan without my knowledge, and without the bank having checked with me. The first I knew was weeks after I kicked him out when the first default notice arrived. I phoned the bank, gave them what for (and his address) and informed them I would take legal action against them if they contacted me again. Needless to say, I also switched my mortgage as soon as I could!
My understanding is they can't just break in without any warning.
It isn't your fine; do you know where he is? If so, give his location to the court/bailiffs and don't warn the moron that you've done it. If this was me, I'd also report him for fraud.
I'm angry on your behalf. Not only that, it reminds me of my first husband (gambling addict) who, not two weeks after buying a house (guess who was paying the mortgage) took out a secured loan without my knowledge, and without the bank having checked with me. The first I knew was weeks after I kicked him out when the first default notice arrived. I phoned the bank, gave them what for (and his address) and informed them I would take legal action against them if they contacted me again. Needless to say, I also switched my mortgage as soon as I could!
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Thanks for your help and for the link. I read that because these are High Court Enforcers, they can enter at will, without someone being present. Unfortunately I don't know his address, only his mobile number, otherwise I would give it to them.
Citizens Advice Bureau suggest writing a letter. But many people online say that despite writing letters to disown a bailiff's claim in someone else's name, Bailiffs return again and again. This particular firm have bad a reputation.
Your ex's story is shocking. It makes me wonder what else can happen, I left this man alone in my home, I trusted him. I am kicking myself. Never again.
Citizens Advice Bureau suggest writing a letter. But many people online say that despite writing letters to disown a bailiff's claim in someone else's name, Bailiffs return again and again. This particular firm have bad a reputation.
Your ex's story is shocking. It makes me wonder what else can happen, I left this man alone in my home, I trusted him. I am kicking myself. Never again.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by chloe210
Thanks for your help and for the link. I read that because these are High Court Enforcers, they can enter at will, without someone being present. Unfortunately I don't know his address, only his mobile number, otherwise I would give it to them.
As for the relationship side of things, I've been married once to a gambling addict then a second time to an A. I have steered clear of relationships for the five years since leaving bozo number two. No matter how much work I do on myself, I'm not certain I'll ever be able to dare let anyone that close again.
I'm so sorry you've been left to deal with this. I'm stubborn enough not to pay up but its more stress that you shouldn't have to deal with.
Has he moved all his belongings?
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Hi Tentindependent, I've now spoken to a specialist in debt collection, who had advised me that it's rare that doors get forced open, and that if I write a letter stating he doesn't live here, and a copy of my council tax bill, that should be enough. So that's what I am doing.
Thanks for your advice. I do have his bank details, his belongings are not here. I am going to pass on his mobile number also.
Thanks for your advice. I do have his bank details, his belongings are not here. I am going to pass on his mobile number also.
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