The Enabler, Escalating Behavior, Problem To Fixed or Ignored
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The Enabler, Escalating Behavior, Problem To Fixed or Ignored
The alkie's/addict's main enabler is his girlfriend. She agrees with and yes's him to death. Problem is not only her enabling but her attitude has gone from bad to worse. I know don't worry about the enablers and do what you can do but she really amplifies and perpetuates his behavior with alcohol runs at least.
Her behavior is becoming one of a sneek if not avoidance. She literally acts like she is trying to get away with something much of the time. Caught them sharing a drink before she was going to drive them some where. Supposedly she still has her kids but yet you see her with the alkie/addict on school nights, week ends, holidays etc. When walking into a house she tries to conceal a second bag or two while rushing to get it out of sight. Many are puzzled by her story.
Before she was just extremely loyal but now it's beyond loyalty and there is no chance of marriage here. Her moods and demeanor are starting to change as fast as the alkie's/addict.
Is it normal for the enabling partner to start behaving like an alkie/addict.
Her behavior is becoming one of a sneek if not avoidance. She literally acts like she is trying to get away with something much of the time. Caught them sharing a drink before she was going to drive them some where. Supposedly she still has her kids but yet you see her with the alkie/addict on school nights, week ends, holidays etc. When walking into a house she tries to conceal a second bag or two while rushing to get it out of sight. Many are puzzled by her story.
Before she was just extremely loyal but now it's beyond loyalty and there is no chance of marriage here. Her moods and demeanor are starting to change as fast as the alkie's/addict.
Is it normal for the enabling partner to start behaving like an alkie/addict.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
thequest......is the alkie/addict, or the girlfriend, someone you know....???
dandylion
dandylion
Her/his version of events simply are not adding up including her being 'parent' of the year yet with him 5-7 nights a week. She already got caught leaving an 11 year old unattended which required a lawyer to keep custody and her young teenager is where on school nights again??? The alkie/addict even says her other kids can't stand her. She's more vocal and some how is keeping up the alkie/addict who drinks excessively with steroids, sport/energy supplements, pot etc yet she does not workout nor do I see that much in the way of caffeinated or energy drinks.
Must add her moods are much more visable and change more often. There are other things but I have to watch myself for anonmity reasons.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Quest,
I looked back through your posts and you seem completely focused on your qualifier and their enabler. I was the same way when I was at the deepest point of my codependency. I vented, I analyzed, I read everything about addiction and the health effects. I was irate with the enablers and all of my addicts manipulations. I was desperately searching for control that I did not have.
I bought Codependency No More and read it, then reread it several times. I found Alanon and other 12 step programs and embraced the love, hugs and wisdom I received there. What I was doing previously was not working and I needed to stop. I also eventually found a counselor to help me with how I ended up in this codependent situation.
I also realized I could say no and that I had choices. You have choices. You can leave this situation. It may not be easy, but there will be peace on the other side.
Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Hugs.
I looked back through your posts and you seem completely focused on your qualifier and their enabler. I was the same way when I was at the deepest point of my codependency. I vented, I analyzed, I read everything about addiction and the health effects. I was irate with the enablers and all of my addicts manipulations. I was desperately searching for control that I did not have.
I bought Codependency No More and read it, then reread it several times. I found Alanon and other 12 step programs and embraced the love, hugs and wisdom I received there. What I was doing previously was not working and I needed to stop. I also eventually found a counselor to help me with how I ended up in this codependent situation.
I also realized I could say no and that I had choices. You have choices. You can leave this situation. It may not be easy, but there will be peace on the other side.
Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by BunnyNest
Hi Quest,
I looked back through your posts and you seem completely focused on your qualifier and their enabler. I was the same way when I was at the deepest point of my codependency. I vented, I analyzed, I read everything about addiction and the health effects. I was irate with the enablers and all of my addicts manipulations. I was desperately searching for control that I did not have.
I bought Codependency No More and read it, then reread it several times. I found Alanon and other 12 step programs and embraced the love, hugs and wisdom I received there. What I was doing previously was not working and I needed to stop. I also eventually found a counselor to help me with how I ended up in this codependent situation.
I also realized I could say no and that I had choices. You have choices. You can leave this situation. It may not be easy, but there will be peace on the other side.
Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Hugs.
I looked back through your posts and you seem completely focused on your qualifier and their enabler. I was the same way when I was at the deepest point of my codependency. I vented, I analyzed, I read everything about addiction and the health effects. I was irate with the enablers and all of my addicts manipulations. I was desperately searching for control that I did not have.
I bought Codependency No More and read it, then reread it several times. I found Alanon and other 12 step programs and embraced the love, hugs and wisdom I received there. What I was doing previously was not working and I needed to stop. I also eventually found a counselor to help me with how I ended up in this codependent situation.
I also realized I could say no and that I had choices. You have choices. You can leave this situation. It may not be easy, but there will be peace on the other side.
Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Hugs.
If the alcoholic's enabler disappeared tomorrow, that would not fix the alcoholic, or make him/her more amenable to your efforts to bring about change. Chances are that the alcoholic will find a new enabler--or learn to get along without one.
Let go or be dragged.
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If nothing else some of my suspicions were confirmed. The enabler set down her purse leaving it wide open and exposing her single serving sized containers of alcohol for the entire world to see. Usually the purse stays with her like she has gold in it.
Then after few drinks and dress up clothes we got to see what a real "princess" this person is. At first I thought the alkie/addict might be influencing her but now it seems she's had just as much influence on him on various issues. She is becoming a more dominant personality while still enabling/facilitating his behavior. She's at the point of drinking right before driving and she is usually the designated driver. Years passed she was reserved now more impulsive verbally and doing wise.. When they come by during the week/a school night it minus well be the weekend drinking 6-8 hours around the house.
I know don't worry about what I can't control but sooner or later it will be double the trouble for someone.
Then after few drinks and dress up clothes we got to see what a real "princess" this person is. At first I thought the alkie/addict might be influencing her but now it seems she's had just as much influence on him on various issues. She is becoming a more dominant personality while still enabling/facilitating his behavior. She's at the point of drinking right before driving and she is usually the designated driver. Years passed she was reserved now more impulsive verbally and doing wise.. When they come by during the week/a school night it minus well be the weekend drinking 6-8 hours around the house.
I know don't worry about what I can't control but sooner or later it will be double the trouble for someone.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I like the serenity prayer.
paraphrased:
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference
so, let's try to look at examples of what's in your control - YOU. YOU. YOU. that's it. all of my work on this stuff comes back to me. I can only control me. that's it.
what's not in your control? Everyone else. the world around you.
However, it's not as easy as it sounds. I have to think about this daily.
Yes, I can't control a person who is drinking. But I can express my concerns knowing that very likely that person will not change. Expressing my concerns is a way to be who I am.
I can't tell you what the best approach is because there's no magic action to get a loved one to stop drinking. EVEN IF they decided they wanted to stop, it will be EXTREMELY hard to stop. It will be impossible if they don't want to stop.
As far as the driving drunk thing, I'll let your gut and the universe guide you.
I wonder about other forum members thoughts?
I think it would be appropriate to request that a person not drive after they've been drinking - or to express your concerns. If they drive anyways and you feel the safety of people on the road is at risk, then you could call the police. That would be in your control. After that would be out of your hands, though (ie, do the police find them and stop them - does something else happen, etc - out of your hands).
What's in your control? do something about it
What's not in your control? accept it
Figure out which is which. Ask for help on this! Ask the universe. Ask someone you trust.
For me - Al-anon and counseling has helped. I still struggle to figure out what's in my control and to do something about it.
Best of luck!
paraphrased:
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference
so, let's try to look at examples of what's in your control - YOU. YOU. YOU. that's it. all of my work on this stuff comes back to me. I can only control me. that's it.
what's not in your control? Everyone else. the world around you.
However, it's not as easy as it sounds. I have to think about this daily.
Yes, I can't control a person who is drinking. But I can express my concerns knowing that very likely that person will not change. Expressing my concerns is a way to be who I am.
I can't tell you what the best approach is because there's no magic action to get a loved one to stop drinking. EVEN IF they decided they wanted to stop, it will be EXTREMELY hard to stop. It will be impossible if they don't want to stop.
As far as the driving drunk thing, I'll let your gut and the universe guide you.
I wonder about other forum members thoughts?
I think it would be appropriate to request that a person not drive after they've been drinking - or to express your concerns. If they drive anyways and you feel the safety of people on the road is at risk, then you could call the police. That would be in your control. After that would be out of your hands, though (ie, do the police find them and stop them - does something else happen, etc - out of your hands).
What's in your control? do something about it
What's not in your control? accept it
Figure out which is which. Ask for help on this! Ask the universe. Ask someone you trust.
For me - Al-anon and counseling has helped. I still struggle to figure out what's in my control and to do something about it.
Best of luck!
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Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yep-this is a very common struggle and one I deal with fairly often-what is Mine ?! What is not mine ?! I try to always check my motives-are they good? Am I wanting to try and control? Am I angry and focusing on this bc I can't control it? I find that I too can focus too much on things out of my control...and that's when anxiety kicks in-when I feel anxious it's usually bc I'm focusing on an outcome instead of focusing on the here and now-and things I do believe in and have control over.
Counseling helped me a lot...so did self help books and SR people for reality checks.
Peace to you
Counseling helped me a lot...so did self help books and SR people for reality checks.
Peace to you
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
One can express concern over someone else's behavior without being controlling, and calling the police to warn them of a drunk driver you know is on the road is not, in my opinion, being controlling but rather enforcing a boundary of not being complicit in someone else's illegal and dangerous behavior.
Telling them once is expressing concern. Telling them over and over again as if they are too stupid to understand what you REALLY mean is nagging and trying to control. They heard you. They understand you. They are choosing to make a different choice than the one you recommend. They don't care that you think it's terrible and wrong and that they should be ashamed of themselves (which, I guarantee, they already are) or that it makes you uncomfortable (those are all your problems, not theirs). That is where acceptance and letting go comes in.
As Forourgirls said, this is more about letting go of outcomes and keeping your focus on yourself. Worrying and fretting and going on and on about what terrible choices someone else is making is waste of time and energy.
Telling them once is expressing concern. Telling them over and over again as if they are too stupid to understand what you REALLY mean is nagging and trying to control. They heard you. They understand you. They are choosing to make a different choice than the one you recommend. They don't care that you think it's terrible and wrong and that they should be ashamed of themselves (which, I guarantee, they already are) or that it makes you uncomfortable (those are all your problems, not theirs). That is where acceptance and letting go comes in.
As Forourgirls said, this is more about letting go of outcomes and keeping your focus on yourself. Worrying and fretting and going on and on about what terrible choices someone else is making is waste of time and energy.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I think the question you might want to ask yourself is...What do you want?
Do you want them to stop drinking?
Do you want them to stop enabling?
If so, you have zero control over that.
Do you want peace and serenity? You have 100% control over that. 100%. It absolutely does not have to "eventually be double the trouble" for you.
You can let it go.
Do it for you.
Do you want them to stop drinking?
Do you want them to stop enabling?
If so, you have zero control over that.
Do you want peace and serenity? You have 100% control over that. 100%. It absolutely does not have to "eventually be double the trouble" for you.
You can let it go.
Do it for you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by BunnyNest
I think the question you might want to ask yourself is...What do you want?
Do you want them to stop drinking?
Do you want them to stop enabling?
If so, you have zero control over that.
Do you want peace and serenity? You have 100% control over that. 100%. It absolutely does not have to "eventually be double the trouble" for you.
You can let it go.
Do it for you.
Do you want them to stop drinking?
Do you want them to stop enabling?
If so, you have zero control over that.
Do you want peace and serenity? You have 100% control over that. 100%. It absolutely does not have to "eventually be double the trouble" for you.
You can let it go.
Do it for you.
My biggest fear now is that her behavior has changed & escalated so much I think she is now potential thief and willing participant in the alkie/addict's games, cons, shenanigans etc. It's more than yesing him now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Is there some reason you can't distance yourself from these people? Your proximity to them is clearly making you uncomfortable! I get that you don't want to reveal your relationship to them, but it's hard to give you advice on how to do more than be frustrated without knowing more. You've been here having similar problems with this person since 2010. You might have to be the one to make a change...
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