What lies ahead? (Should I stay or should I go?)
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3
What lies ahead? (Should I stay or should I go?)
Hello,
My girlfriend is a wonderful woman, and I care about her deeply. For the several months I’ve known her, she would occasionally indulge in a glass or two of wine during social events (some of our dates, ladies night, holidays, Paint Nite, etc.) It’s at most a few times a week, and I saw her as a social drinker in control of her consumption…
[TL;DR Version]
On two separate occasions, girlfriend drank in excess when with many friends. Ending up verbally or physically hurting me, with little recollection of these events. End up explaining blackout periods and harm done. She cries, apologies, I forgive her, and we try to move on.
At this point, I'm noticing a trend. Every time alcohol and a social event with many friends happens, she gets caught up in the moment, drinks too much, does stupid things, and forgets a certain portion of the night. When we are alone or with just a few people (and alcohol was being served), this never happened, and we always had a great time.
I’m not sure how to proceed, but I know the light abuse I’ve taken needs to stop. It’s damaging the relationship, and may eventually outweigh all the good she’s brought into my life.
[Long Version]
A week ago, she and I went to a football playoff game at a local bar with a dozen or so of her friends. As the night progressed, she consumed about a half dozen glasses of wine. During this time, she became more emotional, and started expressing public affections.
At one point, she came over and sat on my lap, kissed me a few times, and then asked me to turn my head. She then yelled into my ear, resulting in it ringing for the rest of the night. She had a happy but smug look on her face, and since nothing was happening on the game, I was left wondering why she did that.
Near closing time, she had one last shot with her best friends and talked at the bar. As we were leaving, I took her keys to drive us home (as she was noticeably drunk). However, as she ran to the car, she realized I had the keys, and tried to get them from me. At first it was simple grabbing, but took a turn for the worse when she bit down hard below my wrist. I yelled for her to stop, hit her lightly on her head a few times, but nothing worked. She managed to get the keys and drove us home.
The ride was nerve wracking, and I pleaded with her to let me drive multiple times. I was hoping to get her keys when we made a stop for greasy food (her old college experience engrained a need for this when she had too much to drink), but she managed to get back even before our order was complete. Minus some close calls with construction pylons, we got back in one piece, ate some food, and then fell asleep.
The following day, I had a raised bruise where she bit me, and still had ringing in my ear. She vaguely remembered the biting incident, but had no recollection of yelling in my ear (or the last quarter of the game). Found out eardrum was ruptured after doctor’s visit (earache from my cold may have contributed).
A lesser issue happened on New Year’s Eve. She got plastered, said things that rubbed me the wrong way, and became ornery when turning in. She yelled for me to go away, so after closing the windows (room was very cold as her goosebumps confirmed), covering her with my side of the bedding, I left.
The next day I explained what happened. She could not recall any of the games she played, jello shots she drank/ate, or things she said after the NYE ball dropped (about the last 5 hours). She apologized, and we chalked it up to just having too much when ringing in the New Year.
My girlfriend is a wonderful woman, and I care about her deeply. For the several months I’ve known her, she would occasionally indulge in a glass or two of wine during social events (some of our dates, ladies night, holidays, Paint Nite, etc.) It’s at most a few times a week, and I saw her as a social drinker in control of her consumption…
[TL;DR Version]
On two separate occasions, girlfriend drank in excess when with many friends. Ending up verbally or physically hurting me, with little recollection of these events. End up explaining blackout periods and harm done. She cries, apologies, I forgive her, and we try to move on.
At this point, I'm noticing a trend. Every time alcohol and a social event with many friends happens, she gets caught up in the moment, drinks too much, does stupid things, and forgets a certain portion of the night. When we are alone or with just a few people (and alcohol was being served), this never happened, and we always had a great time.
I’m not sure how to proceed, but I know the light abuse I’ve taken needs to stop. It’s damaging the relationship, and may eventually outweigh all the good she’s brought into my life.
[Long Version]
A week ago, she and I went to a football playoff game at a local bar with a dozen or so of her friends. As the night progressed, she consumed about a half dozen glasses of wine. During this time, she became more emotional, and started expressing public affections.
At one point, she came over and sat on my lap, kissed me a few times, and then asked me to turn my head. She then yelled into my ear, resulting in it ringing for the rest of the night. She had a happy but smug look on her face, and since nothing was happening on the game, I was left wondering why she did that.
Near closing time, she had one last shot with her best friends and talked at the bar. As we were leaving, I took her keys to drive us home (as she was noticeably drunk). However, as she ran to the car, she realized I had the keys, and tried to get them from me. At first it was simple grabbing, but took a turn for the worse when she bit down hard below my wrist. I yelled for her to stop, hit her lightly on her head a few times, but nothing worked. She managed to get the keys and drove us home.
The ride was nerve wracking, and I pleaded with her to let me drive multiple times. I was hoping to get her keys when we made a stop for greasy food (her old college experience engrained a need for this when she had too much to drink), but she managed to get back even before our order was complete. Minus some close calls with construction pylons, we got back in one piece, ate some food, and then fell asleep.
The following day, I had a raised bruise where she bit me, and still had ringing in my ear. She vaguely remembered the biting incident, but had no recollection of yelling in my ear (or the last quarter of the game). Found out eardrum was ruptured after doctor’s visit (earache from my cold may have contributed).
A lesser issue happened on New Year’s Eve. She got plastered, said things that rubbed me the wrong way, and became ornery when turning in. She yelled for me to go away, so after closing the windows (room was very cold as her goosebumps confirmed), covering her with my side of the bedding, I left.
The next day I explained what happened. She could not recall any of the games she played, jello shots she drank/ate, or things she said after the NYE ball dropped (about the last 5 hours). She apologized, and we chalked it up to just having too much when ringing in the New Year.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hopeful, she bit you, ruptured your ear drum, drove drunk with you in the car, and is verbally abusive. She's not in treatment and will probably get worse.
This is too much abuse, and the fact that she's drunk at the time is no excuse, more an indication of your future together. Get out now.
This is too much abuse, and the fact that she's drunk at the time is no excuse, more an indication of your future together. Get out now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning Hopeful
Two things stuck out to me reading your post.
1. You got into the car with a drunk driver
2. You hit her
Yikes! seems as if after a few months you are getting a glimpse of what your future may hold if you continue on in this relationship. Blackout drinking is NEVER a good thing....
Please read the posts around this site. You have found yourself here for a reason, I think you may already know what may be dealing with, unfortunately.
Good Luck!!
Ro
Oh and to answer your question.... Go....
Two things stuck out to me reading your post.
1. You got into the car with a drunk driver
2. You hit her
Yikes! seems as if after a few months you are getting a glimpse of what your future may hold if you continue on in this relationship. Blackout drinking is NEVER a good thing....
Please read the posts around this site. You have found yourself here for a reason, I think you may already know what may be dealing with, unfortunately.
Good Luck!!
Ro
Oh and to answer your question.... Go....
Last edited by Lilro; 01-15-2016 at 05:21 AM. Reason: More to say
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
I agree with Lilro.
There are red flags waving wildly in your face, don't ignore them.
I'm sure if we took a pole of the people that are on here as friends and family of alcoholics, if we had a chance to do it again, we would all have paid much better attention to our inner voice and the red flags, and gotten the hell out before it progressed to some unbelievable levels.
Don't ignore the signs, you'll be kicking yourself later if you do.
There are red flags waving wildly in your face, don't ignore them.
I'm sure if we took a pole of the people that are on here as friends and family of alcoholics, if we had a chance to do it again, we would all have paid much better attention to our inner voice and the red flags, and gotten the hell out before it progressed to some unbelievable levels.
Don't ignore the signs, you'll be kicking yourself later if you do.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Ahopeful1-
My experience with a loved one's drinking was similar.
Thought problems for him with his drinking were only occasional (and not every time he drank). I walked on eggshells EACH time he drank because I knew what could happen.
Blackout drinking is not an excuse for her behavior, but my loved one did not believe what I told him had happened.....because he had no recollection of it. Eventually he started to resent my telling him and it became a me vs him thing. I was so worried that my behavior around his drinking became nuts!
What kind of support do you have for you?
My experience with a loved one's drinking was similar.
Thought problems for him with his drinking were only occasional (and not every time he drank). I walked on eggshells EACH time he drank because I knew what could happen.
Blackout drinking is not an excuse for her behavior, but my loved one did not believe what I told him had happened.....because he had no recollection of it. Eventually he started to resent my telling him and it became a me vs him thing. I was so worried that my behavior around his drinking became nuts!
What kind of support do you have for you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Never, ever get in a car with a drunk driver. EVER.
Its understandable that you did your best to get her to quit biting you. However, if police had been present the reality is you would have probably both been arrested for DV. A lot of times they don't care who, what, or when, and leave it to the Court to decide who was wrong. An expensive, and stressful process with no guarantee you would be found innocent.
You got some serious issues going on here. I don't care how wonderful she is her behavior when she over indulges is scary. I will never understand why a raging drunk would grab keys, and insist on driving when there is a sober person available. WHY??? More importantly look at your own behavior here why in God's name would you get in a car with a person who was that drunk? Please don't do it again. My advice would be to walk away from this mess but you most likely aren't in that mind set yet. I advise a boundary that you not be around her when she is drinking like this ever.
Its understandable that you did your best to get her to quit biting you. However, if police had been present the reality is you would have probably both been arrested for DV. A lot of times they don't care who, what, or when, and leave it to the Court to decide who was wrong. An expensive, and stressful process with no guarantee you would be found innocent.
You got some serious issues going on here. I don't care how wonderful she is her behavior when she over indulges is scary. I will never understand why a raging drunk would grab keys, and insist on driving when there is a sober person available. WHY??? More importantly look at your own behavior here why in God's name would you get in a car with a person who was that drunk? Please don't do it again. My advice would be to walk away from this mess but you most likely aren't in that mind set yet. I advise a boundary that you not be around her when she is drinking like this ever.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
This situation will only get worse, and it could happen so fast you won't believe it.
Whatever wonderful qualities she has, and I'm sure there are many, it isn't
worth getting emotionally attached to someone this far advanced in her alcoholism
who doesn't see they have a problem.
She's also already aggressive and acts out--it took me a good thirty years
of drinking to start the "mean phase" some alcoholics "grow into" (if you can call it growing).
The violence will escalate, and that's reason enough to walk away.
Love isn't about hurting, especially this early in the game. . .
Whatever wonderful qualities she has, and I'm sure there are many, it isn't
worth getting emotionally attached to someone this far advanced in her alcoholism
who doesn't see they have a problem.
She's also already aggressive and acts out--it took me a good thirty years
of drinking to start the "mean phase" some alcoholics "grow into" (if you can call it growing).
The violence will escalate, and that's reason enough to walk away.
Love isn't about hurting, especially this early in the game. . .
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh man. The first few years with my X husband were like this. Honestly, I thought we were just out partying. We were in college. As things progressed, he had black out periods of no memory. He would throw things at me, he would be mean. Not enough for me to recognize that is ABUSE (I know now, many years and two kids later). It just continued to progress. Having two children with a drunk is absolutely awful.
So I say to you, don't walk, run away from this woman. That is just my .02 certainly. No one here is qualified to tell you what to do, you have to decide on your own.
Good luck in moving forward. Next time, don't get in the car with her, call a taxi for yourself. And definitely don't put your name on a car title or mix insurance with her under any circumstance. It's only a matter of time before she is in a bad accident that could hurt or kill someone else.
So I say to you, don't walk, run away from this woman. That is just my .02 certainly. No one here is qualified to tell you what to do, you have to decide on your own.
Good luck in moving forward. Next time, don't get in the car with her, call a taxi for yourself. And definitely don't put your name on a car title or mix insurance with her under any circumstance. It's only a matter of time before she is in a bad accident that could hurt or kill someone else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3
Two things stuck out to me reading your post.
1. You got into the car with a drunk driver
2. You hit her
1. You got into the car with a drunk driver
2. You hit her
Other options, like pushing her to the ground (it was raining), came to mind. But would she become more aggressive once in the car due to that (resulting in a possibly worse scenario)?
In hindsight, she might have let me drive if I stood outside the car and waited for her to switch seats. I don't think she would have driven off without me. Being new to these types of episodes, I remember my focus being on not letting her drive out of the parking lot. Getting into the car to tell her she should give me the keys was not the right course of action
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, ahopeful1, and welcome to SR. You've gotten some good input so far. I hope you can take some time to read around the forum and see what it's like for others dealing w/alcoholics. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'd also recommend looking into some Alanon meetings for some face-to-face support and education.
Learning about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it is going to be one of your first orders of business--you'll feel a lot more equipped to make decisions when you know more.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Learning about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it is going to be one of your first orders of business--you'll feel a lot more equipped to make decisions when you know more.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Does she show any indication of recognizing that when she drinks, things get out of hand? Is choosing NOT to drink ever an option for her?
Someone in a blackout is just as responsible for their behavior as anyone else. They know what they are doing at the time, they just don't remember it.
Unless this person is willing to take responsibility for her actions when drinking, I would move on from this relationship as soon as possible. Trying to manage or control someone's else's drinking can consume your life, and you will always fail.
Someone in a blackout is just as responsible for their behavior as anyone else. They know what they are doing at the time, they just don't remember it.
Unless this person is willing to take responsibility for her actions when drinking, I would move on from this relationship as soon as possible. Trying to manage or control someone's else's drinking can consume your life, and you will always fail.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Run. Actually, sprint! I'm sure she's a wonderful, loving person with all the potential in the world. But this won't get better unfortunately. I learned the hard way. But do stick around here. These folks will give you their experience, strength and hope even if you stay 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Run and DO NOT look back. Me ex could be a loving kind romantic person too-and could also threaten, spit at me, abuse me, abuse his children, etc etc-I watched it progress for years and years. PLEASE run!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
The blackouts, the lack of self control, and the unwarranted meanness all remind me of my behavior at one point in my alcoholism. As others have warned, alcoholism is progressive.
My husband didn't like my behavior when I drank, even back in the day when it could be passed off as an innocuous night out. He never expressed concerns that I was an alcoholic, though.
My wake up call happened if you fast forward about 10 years from the evening you describe with your girlfriend. I came to in a hotel room covered in my vomit, while my children slept in a heap on the floor with the towel my husband managed to salvage.
You sound very insightful! Talk to her to see if she's willing to address the problem. If she doesn't, I foresee it progressing, like so many other alcoholics.
My husband didn't like my behavior when I drank, even back in the day when it could be passed off as an innocuous night out. He never expressed concerns that I was an alcoholic, though.
My wake up call happened if you fast forward about 10 years from the evening you describe with your girlfriend. I came to in a hotel room covered in my vomit, while my children slept in a heap on the floor with the towel my husband managed to salvage.
You sound very insightful! Talk to her to see if she's willing to address the problem. If she doesn't, I foresee it progressing, like so many other alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Ahopeful1,
I see that you quoted my response. I hope you did not take offense to my post, if so it was not my intention to make you feel bad.
Short story.... Your post brought back some memories. My Exhusband and I went to a work Christmas party one year, by the time we left the party he was drunk as a skunk, even after I spent half the evening watering down his drinks when he was not looking ( pathetic, I know). Anyway, I took the car keys from him. There was NO WAY I was going to allow him to drive us home. The minute I pulled out of the parking lot he started... Screaming at me like a lunatic, telling me how dare I take the keys from him etc.. I just ignored him and kept driving. Then he started pulling the steering wheel.. We were on a two lane road, one side incoming traffic, the other a canal. All I could think about was my 18 month old son at home with my parents who were babysitting. I kept thinking this guys going to get us killed. I started yelling for him to stop and he punched me in the face..YES, while I was trying to drive on that two lane road to get home to my baby he punched me in the face.
I stopped the car and told him to GET OUT! We were a good 20 miles from home...it was either HIM or ME but one of us was getting out. He got out after much arguing.
The moral of my story to you is this....next time, and there WILL BE one if you continue this relationship, WALK AWAY and leave her to her own devices. The only one that is going to get hurt in a situation like that is YOU.
I see that you quoted my response. I hope you did not take offense to my post, if so it was not my intention to make you feel bad.
Short story.... Your post brought back some memories. My Exhusband and I went to a work Christmas party one year, by the time we left the party he was drunk as a skunk, even after I spent half the evening watering down his drinks when he was not looking ( pathetic, I know). Anyway, I took the car keys from him. There was NO WAY I was going to allow him to drive us home. The minute I pulled out of the parking lot he started... Screaming at me like a lunatic, telling me how dare I take the keys from him etc.. I just ignored him and kept driving. Then he started pulling the steering wheel.. We were on a two lane road, one side incoming traffic, the other a canal. All I could think about was my 18 month old son at home with my parents who were babysitting. I kept thinking this guys going to get us killed. I started yelling for him to stop and he punched me in the face..YES, while I was trying to drive on that two lane road to get home to my baby he punched me in the face.
I stopped the car and told him to GET OUT! We were a good 20 miles from home...it was either HIM or ME but one of us was getting out. He got out after much arguing.
The moral of my story to you is this....next time, and there WILL BE one if you continue this relationship, WALK AWAY and leave her to her own devices. The only one that is going to get hurt in a situation like that is YOU.
Last edited by Lilro; 01-15-2016 at 05:10 PM. Reason: Spelling
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