We're Not So Different
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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We're Not So Different
We’re Not So Different: 5 Emotions Addicts and Loved Ones Share
~Anonymous
Addiction is an emotional disease with far-reaching effects. Spouses, family members, friends, and coworkers are often flooded with emotions as they watch someone they care deeply about struggle in the grip of addiction. But here’s something you may not realize: many of the emotions a loved one feels are the same emotions an addict feels. While the reasons behind the emotions may be different, the internal chaos brought about by those emotions is the same; and it can be just as debilitating to both parties.
Even though an addict and their loved one may seem to be polar opposites, the truth is they’re not so different after all.
Here are five emotions you probably didn’t know we shared:
Shame…
Social scientist and author Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Those are feelings no human being should ever have to experience, but, sadly, they go hand in hand with addiction. Because so many people still think of substance abuse as a moral weakness or character flaw, addicts and their loved ones can feel inferior, embarrassed, and afraid to speak out. More than any other emotion, shame tries to strip away our worthiness. It tries to convince us that we are somehow a lesser person just because of our situation. And it’s the major reason many people with substance use disorders and mental illnesses hesitate to seek the treatment they so desperately need.
Helplessness…
Having a loved one who suffers from addiction will make even the most capable person feel helpless. Sure, Al-Anon tells loved ones that they didn’t cause the addiction, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it, but that doesn’t really make anyone feel less helpless. The inability to solve a loved one’s addiction can be maddening. At the same time, the addict feels helpless, too. Their substance of choice has hijacked their body and mind, and they are no longer in control. Because they feel powerless, it’s not uncommon for them to simply accept their situation, no matter how dire it is.
Sadness…
There’s nothing positive about addiction, so it’s no surprise that everyone affected by it feels its sadness. Loved ones feel sad because they see how addiction derails the hopes and dreams of a person who is incredibly important to them. Just like the addict, they may ask themselves, “Why me?” After all, nobody wants to see a loved one suffer. However, no one wants to be an addict either, so sadness is very prevalent in an addict’s life as well. They may feel like they’ve failed to live up to expectations—either their own or a loved one’s—and that their life is a disappointment. Or they may be sad about opportunities they’ve missed out on because of their addiction. Whatever the reasons, an addict’s life can be wrought with sadness.
Fear…
Addiction is a dangerous disease. It carries with it a multitude of things for everyone involved to be afraid of, including shattered relationships, financial problems, incarceration, and death. Those things top the list of a loved one’s fears, while an addict’s biggest fears may be more rudimentary—like where their next fix is going to come from. No matter how simple or complex the perceived threats are, they are all very real to the person feeling them. Fear can negatively impact the thinking and decision-making of addicts and loved ones alike, and can lead to irrational and impulsive behavior.
Guilt…
Addicts may not have feelings of guilt while under the influence, but during sober periods, the questionable behaviors they’ve engaged in—lies, manipulation, stealing—will likely weigh on them. They may also feel guilty for making their family suffer, whether it’s emotionally, physically, or financially. Loved ones of addicts are frequently paralyzed by guilt. Parents often wonder if they failed to raise their child properly, while family members, spouses, or friends may ask themselves what they could have done differently to prevent the addiction. Because guilt is such a painful and powerful emotion, people often try to make up for it by enabling the addict, which only complicates matters.
~Anonymous
Addiction is an emotional disease with far-reaching effects. Spouses, family members, friends, and coworkers are often flooded with emotions as they watch someone they care deeply about struggle in the grip of addiction. But here’s something you may not realize: many of the emotions a loved one feels are the same emotions an addict feels. While the reasons behind the emotions may be different, the internal chaos brought about by those emotions is the same; and it can be just as debilitating to both parties.
Even though an addict and their loved one may seem to be polar opposites, the truth is they’re not so different after all.
Here are five emotions you probably didn’t know we shared:
Shame…
Social scientist and author Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Those are feelings no human being should ever have to experience, but, sadly, they go hand in hand with addiction. Because so many people still think of substance abuse as a moral weakness or character flaw, addicts and their loved ones can feel inferior, embarrassed, and afraid to speak out. More than any other emotion, shame tries to strip away our worthiness. It tries to convince us that we are somehow a lesser person just because of our situation. And it’s the major reason many people with substance use disorders and mental illnesses hesitate to seek the treatment they so desperately need.
Helplessness…
Having a loved one who suffers from addiction will make even the most capable person feel helpless. Sure, Al-Anon tells loved ones that they didn’t cause the addiction, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it, but that doesn’t really make anyone feel less helpless. The inability to solve a loved one’s addiction can be maddening. At the same time, the addict feels helpless, too. Their substance of choice has hijacked their body and mind, and they are no longer in control. Because they feel powerless, it’s not uncommon for them to simply accept their situation, no matter how dire it is.
Sadness…
There’s nothing positive about addiction, so it’s no surprise that everyone affected by it feels its sadness. Loved ones feel sad because they see how addiction derails the hopes and dreams of a person who is incredibly important to them. Just like the addict, they may ask themselves, “Why me?” After all, nobody wants to see a loved one suffer. However, no one wants to be an addict either, so sadness is very prevalent in an addict’s life as well. They may feel like they’ve failed to live up to expectations—either their own or a loved one’s—and that their life is a disappointment. Or they may be sad about opportunities they’ve missed out on because of their addiction. Whatever the reasons, an addict’s life can be wrought with sadness.
Fear…
Addiction is a dangerous disease. It carries with it a multitude of things for everyone involved to be afraid of, including shattered relationships, financial problems, incarceration, and death. Those things top the list of a loved one’s fears, while an addict’s biggest fears may be more rudimentary—like where their next fix is going to come from. No matter how simple or complex the perceived threats are, they are all very real to the person feeling them. Fear can negatively impact the thinking and decision-making of addicts and loved ones alike, and can lead to irrational and impulsive behavior.
Guilt…
Addicts may not have feelings of guilt while under the influence, but during sober periods, the questionable behaviors they’ve engaged in—lies, manipulation, stealing—will likely weigh on them. They may also feel guilty for making their family suffer, whether it’s emotionally, physically, or financially. Loved ones of addicts are frequently paralyzed by guilt. Parents often wonder if they failed to raise their child properly, while family members, spouses, or friends may ask themselves what they could have done differently to prevent the addiction. Because guilt is such a painful and powerful emotion, people often try to make up for it by enabling the addict, which only complicates matters.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Loved ones of addicts are frequently paralyzed by guilt. Parents often wonder if they failed to raise their child properly, while family members, spouses, or friends may ask themselves what they could have done differently to prevent the addiction. Because guilt is such a painful and powerful emotion, people often try to make up for it by enabling the addict, which only complicates matters.
Goodbye fear, hello faith. Goodbye guilt, hello clarity to see what I own and what I do not.
Hugs
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