Feeling Guilty About This
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Feeling Guilty About This
Please could I have a little help with this...
As some of you know my husband and I are now separated pending divorce (just as soon as one of us can afford it). That said we are not on bad terms in that when we have had any communication since we separated in March it has been amicable enough.
I left because although he was supposed to be in recovery I believe he was still using and the trust was gone.
It was an incredibly hard thing to do... however I am healing and my life is getting back on track.
Here is what I need help with.
At the time when I was in the midst of the craziness and feeling utterly broken, scared and crazy, I confided in someone who I think of as wise and who also happened to be an ex addict. I told him about the problems I was having with my husband's addiction.
His advice was basically this - if you stay you are most likely choosing a life filled with suffering. Also he said that because the DOC was heroin the chances of him recovering were about 1%.
This absolutely shocked and scared me and the things he said partly informed my decision to leave (I would have left anyway, however this was like extra fuel to do so).
However when I was telling my husband that I was leaving I was incredibly upset, and I stupidly also blurted out that the chances of someone on heroin recovering were only about 1%.
Ever since then I have felt INCREDIBLY guilty about saying that.
I mean talk about the way to demotivate someone! I feel like a monster, and to add to it I don't even think that figure is accurate!
Perhaps I am giving myself too much power here but I worry that in me saying that it could have actually caused him to not even try. As we know most addicts already think they can't live without their addictions.
I feel like that could have made it so much worse and I am having a hard time forgiving myself.
I have wondered ever since whether I need to try and fix this?
Or do I just leave it?
He and I will not get back together, that is totally off the cards, however I do still care about him as a person.
That said I have finally achieved some level of detachment and I don't want to meddle in his life, go picking at old wounds or be all Codie.
I have NO IDEA about how he is getting on and whether he is in recovery or not.
This sounds like it could be the AA step about making amends to me, however although I am healing my life in other ways I don't attend Al Anon meetings anymore for practical reasons so I don't have any idea how to go about that responsibly either.
Any suggestions / thoughts welcome.
Thank you.
As some of you know my husband and I are now separated pending divorce (just as soon as one of us can afford it). That said we are not on bad terms in that when we have had any communication since we separated in March it has been amicable enough.
I left because although he was supposed to be in recovery I believe he was still using and the trust was gone.
It was an incredibly hard thing to do... however I am healing and my life is getting back on track.
Here is what I need help with.
At the time when I was in the midst of the craziness and feeling utterly broken, scared and crazy, I confided in someone who I think of as wise and who also happened to be an ex addict. I told him about the problems I was having with my husband's addiction.
His advice was basically this - if you stay you are most likely choosing a life filled with suffering. Also he said that because the DOC was heroin the chances of him recovering were about 1%.
This absolutely shocked and scared me and the things he said partly informed my decision to leave (I would have left anyway, however this was like extra fuel to do so).
However when I was telling my husband that I was leaving I was incredibly upset, and I stupidly also blurted out that the chances of someone on heroin recovering were only about 1%.
Ever since then I have felt INCREDIBLY guilty about saying that.
I mean talk about the way to demotivate someone! I feel like a monster, and to add to it I don't even think that figure is accurate!
Perhaps I am giving myself too much power here but I worry that in me saying that it could have actually caused him to not even try. As we know most addicts already think they can't live without their addictions.
I feel like that could have made it so much worse and I am having a hard time forgiving myself.
I have wondered ever since whether I need to try and fix this?
Or do I just leave it?
He and I will not get back together, that is totally off the cards, however I do still care about him as a person.
That said I have finally achieved some level of detachment and I don't want to meddle in his life, go picking at old wounds or be all Codie.
I have NO IDEA about how he is getting on and whether he is in recovery or not.
This sounds like it could be the AA step about making amends to me, however although I am healing my life in other ways I don't attend Al Anon meetings anymore for practical reasons so I don't have any idea how to go about that responsibly either.
Any suggestions / thoughts welcome.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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i doubt he really "heard" you Carmen.....and i highly doubt that a short single blurt from you could cause him to lose ALL hope EVER of seeking recovery. do you see how much of a stretch that is?
so March was what, 9 months ago? why do you suppose NOW this guilt is bubbling up? what ELSE is going on, that has you suddenly frettin' over his well being and feeling the need to make amends (aka GO IN THERE AND FIX IT)??
so March was what, 9 months ago? why do you suppose NOW this guilt is bubbling up? what ELSE is going on, that has you suddenly frettin' over his well being and feeling the need to make amends (aka GO IN THERE AND FIX IT)??
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Location: Iowa
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I did make amends to my ex. But it was only after working all the previous steps and having a clear picture of what was really my responsibility.
I doubt that your comment doomed him to a lifetime of addiction with no possibility of recovery. If it did, then you possess some godlike power unknown to the rest of mankind. Like Anvil said, it probably didn't even penetrate the drugged out fog in his cerebral cortex.
So do you owe him amends? Probably. Are you the cause of his addiction? No.
Did any of your words ever cause him to seek sobriety?
I doubt that your comment doomed him to a lifetime of addiction with no possibility of recovery. If it did, then you possess some godlike power unknown to the rest of mankind. Like Anvil said, it probably didn't even penetrate the drugged out fog in his cerebral cortex.
So do you owe him amends? Probably. Are you the cause of his addiction? No.
Did any of your words ever cause him to seek sobriety?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
... and i highly doubt that a short single blurt from you could cause him to lose ALL hope EVER of seeking recovery. do you see how much of a stretch that is?
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
So March was what, 9 months ago? why do you suppose NOW this guilt is bubbling up? what ELSE is going on, that has you suddenly frettin' over his well being and feeling the need to make amends (aka GO IN THERE AND FIX IT)??
Other stuff that is going on - I am feeling frustrated living back with parents and feel like a failure, although I am grateful for the support, and have decided to stick out this living situation for another year as this will allow me to pay off my debt and get on my feet financially.
I have often felt guilty about that comment in the past months though... what triggered it today was reading another poster's thread about a letter she was planning to send her addicted loved one and remembering letters I sent to him (even though they were very loving ones) then connecting with a friend via Skype who I last spoke to when I was about to leave XAH.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so March was what, 9 months ago? why do you suppose NOW this guilt is bubbling up? what ELSE is going on, that has you suddenly frettin' over his well being and feeling the need to make amends (aka GO IN THERE AND FIX IT)??
I don't know why. I know it's over.
It's just it seems so final (which is the point of it).
Don't know - facing divorce seems hard & scary to me.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
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Divorce or even a break up is never easy, it's friggin hard and we tend to beat ourselves up, or at least I did. I am an alcoholic but I admit that and for now will to anyone, goal is to become recovered and that will happen in time.
I was married for 24 years 11 months when I discovered coming home from a business trip my wife was having an affair as she had become involved in a cult for two years, I thought it was just a church but I never went, it took me 7 years to get over that, forgive her and forgive myself and to forgive the man who took my wife. I never dated once during that healing period, it probably varies depending on the person, we didn't have a perfect marriage but it was good and two amazing kids which I ended up raising. I did however get one pile of counseling and it helped.
I can kind of imagine what it's like being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction no matter what the addiction is, it is damn hard.
Three years ago + I met a lady, highly educated and we fell in love, I was sober at the time, she had a serious drinking problem and yes it was wearing me down, she never would admit she had a problem even though she was drunk I would suggest 90% of the evenings I was there, missed work at the hospital often and woke with shakes on a regular basis, I knew the signs all to well from experience, I suggested a 28 day program that had helped me and she went through it only to return two weeks later to her beer. I walked away and yes it broke my heart and there are parts of me that still miss what we had but it gets easier in time.
Personally I do not think you did anything wrong and wish you well, I know how lonely it can be, its a tough battle but believe in yourself and draw strength from that.
Wishing you the very best, as for the guilt coming to surface, I often think/believe its the time of the year, Christmas and a New Year starting and what we were used to doing and who we were used to being with that seems to makes the memories very powerful, and maybe because you are beating yourself up a little it has just worn you down.
I wish you the very best.
Andrew
I was married for 24 years 11 months when I discovered coming home from a business trip my wife was having an affair as she had become involved in a cult for two years, I thought it was just a church but I never went, it took me 7 years to get over that, forgive her and forgive myself and to forgive the man who took my wife. I never dated once during that healing period, it probably varies depending on the person, we didn't have a perfect marriage but it was good and two amazing kids which I ended up raising. I did however get one pile of counseling and it helped.
I can kind of imagine what it's like being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction no matter what the addiction is, it is damn hard.
Three years ago + I met a lady, highly educated and we fell in love, I was sober at the time, she had a serious drinking problem and yes it was wearing me down, she never would admit she had a problem even though she was drunk I would suggest 90% of the evenings I was there, missed work at the hospital often and woke with shakes on a regular basis, I knew the signs all to well from experience, I suggested a 28 day program that had helped me and she went through it only to return two weeks later to her beer. I walked away and yes it broke my heart and there are parts of me that still miss what we had but it gets easier in time.
Personally I do not think you did anything wrong and wish you well, I know how lonely it can be, its a tough battle but believe in yourself and draw strength from that.
Wishing you the very best, as for the guilt coming to surface, I often think/believe its the time of the year, Christmas and a New Year starting and what we were used to doing and who we were used to being with that seems to makes the memories very powerful, and maybe because you are beating yourself up a little it has just worn you down.
I wish you the very best.
Andrew
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
I can understand your pain over the comment. I will just say I dont think the statistic is correct because people are having relative success with medications combined with behavioral therapies. If he seeks help hopefully he will learn about his addiction and what it takes to beat it. I recovered from addiction. Not heroin, but can say from my experience he will most likely question the possibility he could ever revover at different points, and what it comes down to is the self belief you can do it whatever the odds. I dont think you derailed him.
But do whats best for your heart in speaking to him about it. Nothing wrong either way from what I see.
But do whats best for your heart in speaking to him about it. Nothing wrong either way from what I see.
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Hey so I sent a message via Facebook making amends for that comment.
I kept it about me and my feelings when I made that comment and that I was sorry for that and also that I do not think the statistic is correct.
I said that I am tidying things up at my end for a fresh start in 2016.
I didn't say this part to him and I feel silly that I am STILL unpacking this stuff months later and working through it.
I believe that was it though. My end of the street is CLEAN!
I don't see / think that I need to say anything else to him anymore.
I am noticing I do REALLY need to get this divorce now.
I have been procrastinating about it. I thought I was ready AGES ago however when it came to it I somehow never could quite get round to it...
Yes money has been a barrier and the truth is I CAN get the money together for it now.
The truth is when I think about it I feel REALLY panicky. Big anxiety comes up.
I guess I need to take baby steps with it... just like I did with leaving... and just concentrate on the next small action.
So the first simple action is to apply and pay for a copy of the marriage certificate, as I think he must have the original.
Do you think that is a good way to approach this?
I kept it about me and my feelings when I made that comment and that I was sorry for that and also that I do not think the statistic is correct.
I said that I am tidying things up at my end for a fresh start in 2016.
I didn't say this part to him and I feel silly that I am STILL unpacking this stuff months later and working through it.
I believe that was it though. My end of the street is CLEAN!
I don't see / think that I need to say anything else to him anymore.
I am noticing I do REALLY need to get this divorce now.
I have been procrastinating about it. I thought I was ready AGES ago however when it came to it I somehow never could quite get round to it...
Yes money has been a barrier and the truth is I CAN get the money together for it now.
The truth is when I think about it I feel REALLY panicky. Big anxiety comes up.
I guess I need to take baby steps with it... just like I did with leaving... and just concentrate on the next small action.
So the first simple action is to apply and pay for a copy of the marriage certificate, as I think he must have the original.
Do you think that is a good way to approach this?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Carmen, it sounds like you have a plan in place, as I said before it does get easier, keep your stick on the ice and it is clear you have a plan and already started it. We are here for you, this is like a big family and no matter what you have been through, many of us have been there and come out the other side, take what works and leave the rest behind. You are doing great.
Andrew
Andrew
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Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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However when I was telling my husband that I was leaving I was incredibly upset, and I stupidly also blurted out that the chances of someone on heroin recovering were only about 1%.
Ever since then I have felt INCREDIBLY guilty about saying that.
I mean talk about the way to demotivate someone! I feel like a monster, and to add to it I don't even think that figure is accurate!
Ever since then I have felt INCREDIBLY guilty about saying that.
I mean talk about the way to demotivate someone! I feel like a monster, and to add to it I don't even think that figure is accurate!
Unfortunately, the "1%" comment is also accurate when it comes to heroin. And it's because of heroin and your STBAXH's use of it that your marriage fell apart in the first place. So I wouldn't beat yourself up too badly about it. Sure, you shouldn't have said it. But none of us are impervious to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Just note it and move forward.
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