Rougelily79

I know that my SO is bad for me. In so many ways. I cannot sleep, I have been sick for weeks because of the stress and with my packed schedule I end up spending the spare time I have taking care of him, on top of all my other responsibilities. I am exhausted and his lack of care is making me resentful and angry. But dammit, everytime I am ready to end it, to walk away, to be free of his drama and drunken bullcrap, he does something to show me love. And then I'm hooked again. I'm completely weak to him. He can be a total bastard to me, but the next day he's making me breakfast and cuddling with me. It's such a rollercoaster and I'm stuck on the ride. I want peace, to be able to relax, to be able to lay my head down at night and feel calm instead of the constant worry and fear of the next "trigger" to a binge night where I end up being yelled at, something gets broken or he acts like a total jerk.
I wish I could make my heart realize what my brain already knows.

SparkleKitty

Recognizing the pattern is the first step. You are going to be okay. Now that your eyes are open to your relationship dynamics, you will eventually make different choices on your end. Taking advantage of the low times to extricate yourself from how enmeshed you two are will be a next good step.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty?

LexieCat

Part of why we stay in destructive relationships is the concept of "intermittent reinforcement." These are little "surprise" rewards that keep us coming back for more, even when we know the odds are against us over the long term.

People who are compulsive gamblers win JUST OFTEN enough that they keep coming back, in spite of the fact that they are continually losing money.

Here's an interesting article on it: Intermittent reinforcement. Interestingly, the article points out that WE can be guilty of doing the same thing when we have weak boundaries. Sometimes we will let someone get away with treating us like crap, and other times we lay down the law. Guess which scenario the addict notices?

Wisconsin

This was one of the most eye-opening pieces during my early recovery, as I started to understand that the emotional abuse and the alcoholism were totally different issues. I had spent two years blaming the increasing abuse on the alcoholism, and the first step for me in bringing my heart and my brain in line with each other was to accept that I was being abused, regardless of the drinking. Every single part of this essay spoke to me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html

LexieCat

Oh, and here's another thread about the intermittent reinforcement:.

Refiner

Rougelily, in your other thread you made the statement "I NEED a partner." Why do you think that is? (Esp THIS partner). Why is your self-worth so low? You sound to me like you've really got it going on and will make someone a WONDERFUL partner... BUT, it's not going to be HIM. You are settling for his pathetic crumbs when you deserve so much more! And as hard as it is to shine right now, it all starts with you to learn to love and be happy with yourself and not depend on another person to make you whole and happy (esp a leach where it will never happen). The partner for you will most likely come along when you're not even looking! Really! Right now you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and MAKE it work bc "I NEED a partner". The longer you stay stuck in this, the longer it will be to find your true happiness. I know, I've been there in the same predicament.