CarrieBradshaw

It's hard to believe my last post was a year ago. So much has changed but then again so much hasn't. Obviously, regretfully, the drinking didn't. It's not gotten worse or better (as far as the eye can see, I'm sure physically it's gotten much worse), I'm just kind of stuck.

My 26th birthday is in 5 days. I envy those who could go for a birthday drink and stop there. Mine would inevitably become a 4-day bender, a 2-day hangover, depression, anxiety, guilt. The list goes on. I've had many, many of these. I'll pick myself up again, swear it off, think it'll be different next time and then I'm here again.

The alcohol withdrawal was the scariest this time last year. Now it's the mental exhaustion. Not willing to accept I cannot control my drinking. Having "good" days and bad. Being consumed with thoughts of NOT drinking. Finally landing my dream job and calling in once a month because I'm too hungover to even look at myself.

Yesterday was one of those days. I slept for 18 hours. Turned off my phone and avoided reality like I've done so many times before. Scared to think another 4 days of my life I'll never get back and what could have happened during that time.

I'm tired. I can't fight this any more. I've gone to AA but I didn't take it seriously. I want so badly to never feel like this again. To feel as clear as I do even after just a week of sobriety...

Soberwolf

Welcome bk !

least

Glad you're back and ready to recommit to sobriety. You never have to feel this way again if you get sober for good.

Venecia

Welcome back!

There's a lot of help available here. Check in with the Weekenders thread. A lot of us have gotten to know each other there and think of a new friend as a new blessing. There's also the monthly SR class -- mine was instrumental in getting sober almost 2.5 years ago.

I wish I had made the decision to get sober so much earlier, but there's not a whole lot of value in regret. At your age, you have such vast potential to which you can look forward in hope.

It gets better. It really does.

You just have to start. A good way to do that is by remembering what our girl said:

"Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first."

Love yourself. Respect yourself. Those are great ways to set the foundation for your sobriety.

IronPhoenix

Welcome back Carrie. I am all too familiar with that vicious alcohol cycle. I am 5 weeks sober now, thanks in part to laying out a plan of counseling, family/friends support, this site, and changing my daily routine to focus on getting back in shape.

I have not gone to an AA meeting but have read the materials and applied what is relive the to me. Everyone is different but we are all in this fight together.

I'd recommend getting a plan in place and posting in here often.

You can do this!

CarrieBradshaw

Thank you! Here come the tears...

Is The Weekenders a forum? I'd really like to make new friends. I think it's critical at this point.

doggonecarl

You sound a little more ready to take AA seriously. And whether you decide to do AA or not, RECOVERY, regardless of the method, needs to be taken seriously. Life or death serious. Do you really want to be posting this on your 36th birthday? Your 46th?

I drank for 35 years before I quit. Don't wait that long.

Venecia

Hi Carrie,

Am fat fingering it from a mobile and cannot seem to get the copy address to work.

But never fear. It's titled the Musical Holiday Weekender Thread and is pretty lively. People who've been where you are now ... Or are there now. And at least a couple SATC fans. 😀

You're among friends, Carrie Bradshaw.

kittycat3

Hi Carrie, I've been where you are at before too, including the depression. We are in this together! You can do this, one day at a time.....sometimes one hour or even one minute at a time!

Anna

You will find lots of support here. This is a great thread explaining different programs and recovery paths:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

This is the Weekender Thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...th-pt-2-a.html

Hevyn

Good to have you back with us, CB. There's no doubt you can do this. We have to be ready - sounds like you're disgusted with the way things are going. We understand! Keep on posting and reading. You can get free.

Dee74

Welcome back Carrie

have you thought what you might do differently this time?

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Carrie!!

CarrieBradshaw

That is a great question that I've been thinking about all day. The longest I've been sober in 5 years is 10 days, I believe. That's my first goal. Make it to the 11th day. I got to 9 last time...

Stay hydrated. I love ice water and feel so good when I've drank nothing but water for a few days. I think about the wonders it's doing for my liver, kidneys, and overall health in general, and needless to say it's always more rewarding than a hangover. Is "staying hydrated" a weird goal?

Reading The Big Book and listening to podcasts. As we all know, idle hands are the devil's playground. I can sit mindlessly in front of the tv taking shots until I pass out. I love reading and listening to music before bed, so what better routine to get into?

Going to bed at a decent hour. Letting myself catch up on long overdue rest, sober.

Going to my parents' on the weekends if I don't have plans. I live by myself and can stay sober through the week (most weeks), but Friday I'll drink myself into a coma before either dumping out the booze and trying to mentally prepare myself for work on Monday or continuing to buy booze and start coming up with yet another excuse as to why I'm always sick on Mondays.

Most importantly, being an active member on the forums and elsewhere on SR. I was brought to tears by the overwhelming responses I received today. i've talked to friends who tell me, "you're not an alcoholic" and I'm not sure if they are trying to convince me or convince themselves that I (and they) are not alcoholics. Knowing that no matter where I'm at, who I'm with, what time of day it is, someone is always THERE.

Of course, I'd love to hear ideas what worked for others!

CarrieBradshaw

Forgive me if I didn't quote correctly, still learning to navigate around SR!

I just wanted to extend a special thank you for your post. I kept this in mind all day and could feel my mood improving. Always nice to "meet" a fellow SATC fan, as well!

CarrieBradshaw

The light at the end of the tunnel!!! It's hard to imagine that right now, but oh how it keeps me going.

Sean30

Hang in there Carrie, I'm 19 days today and have been riding the roller coaster, but it really does get better after awhile. Things become easier to handle the further behind you your last drink was. I've found a lot of useful links here on sober recovery, and discovered some very helpful recovery tools like AVRT, that I hadn't heard of before finding this place.
I hope things get better for you. Stick around

Sean