Has anyone been married to a nice alcoholic , they call passive aggressive?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Has anyone been married to a nice alcoholic , they call passive aggressive?
My husband of 30 years is a rah for 4 years. He has never been physically abusive but emotionally distant.
We would get close then he would pull away.He would behind my back take the kids side and support them before supporting me.He made me out to be the heavy.
One daughter is struggling with addiction and he enables her and thinks iI am too hard on her for wanting her (24 years old) to move out if not paying rent or stop being verbally abusive to me because I require this of her.
His sweetness to everyone including myself has kept me in this marriage.
it has been so confusing because he does not emotionally or physically abuse me yet I feel so alone and anger towards him.
I'm so confused as he is a strong Christian yet has no idea of how to stick up for me or be a partner who is united .
Despite counsellors telling him,church etc. he still chooses to ignore this advice while saying all th right things. It's like he cannot think or form his own opinion.
He is wanting peace at all costs.HAs anyone else been married to such a kind loving man but feels so betrayed?is it me?
We would get close then he would pull away.He would behind my back take the kids side and support them before supporting me.He made me out to be the heavy.
One daughter is struggling with addiction and he enables her and thinks iI am too hard on her for wanting her (24 years old) to move out if not paying rent or stop being verbally abusive to me because I require this of her.
His sweetness to everyone including myself has kept me in this marriage.
it has been so confusing because he does not emotionally or physically abuse me yet I feel so alone and anger towards him.
I'm so confused as he is a strong Christian yet has no idea of how to stick up for me or be a partner who is united .
Despite counsellors telling him,church etc. he still chooses to ignore this advice while saying all th right things. It's like he cannot think or form his own opinion.
He is wanting peace at all costs.HAs anyone else been married to such a kind loving man but feels so betrayed?is it me?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
First I want you to know that I do not usually answer posts where I don't see abuse that is directly related to alcohol.
I'm seeing a lot of red flags here. I'm seeing that your H, or AH was never really emotionally available to you. Gotta tell you that alone can drive someone bonkers.
I'm seeing that you somewhat feel invisible in your relationship. I could be wrong about all of this. Take what you can and leave the rest.
((((hugs))))
amy
I'm seeing a lot of red flags here. I'm seeing that your H, or AH was never really emotionally available to you. Gotta tell you that alone can drive someone bonkers.
I'm seeing that you somewhat feel invisible in your relationship. I could be wrong about all of this. Take what you can and leave the rest.
((((hugs))))
amy
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Thanks Amy it does drive me bonkers as it makes you feel like your the one with the problem because he is always so nice.
just not present at all to what's going on around us.i don't know how to put my finger on it,just surface connection no real intimate connection. No sharing of real thoughts or feelings from him.
just not present at all to what's going on around us.i don't know how to put my finger on it,just surface connection no real intimate connection. No sharing of real thoughts or feelings from him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I'm hearing you, and I'm listening to you. That emotional distance thing, where you just want to lower the bar (boundary) to where you just want to say, just treat at me like I exist, that's all I ask of u.
Just stop me at anytime where things are not similar to you. OK?
Again, if it doesn't fit disregard it.
Your AH painted you black, you don't exist. He is putting your daughter on the pedastal now, the one that he use to have you on.
I don't want to continue unless I get the feeling from you as this is what you feel.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Just stop me at anytime where things are not similar to you. OK?
Again, if it doesn't fit disregard it.
Your AH painted you black, you don't exist. He is putting your daughter on the pedastal now, the one that he use to have you on.
I don't want to continue unless I get the feeling from you as this is what you feel.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I was married to the mean abusive type for 18 years (escalated- beginning was pretty good).
My recent relationship the last 18 months has been with a very kind, sweet, giving man. He even stopped drinking when I told him he couldn't live here if he kept doing it, which he's sustained for the last 8 months as an alcoholic.
However though dating was amazing, from day 1 living together, I felt partner-less. I couldn't count on him to actively parent any of our kids (mine are more self sufficient, his are younger and NEED order and discipline). I had to be the heavy in all situations. There were six kids altogether, and when they argued over the Xbox, his answer was that we should just buy everyone their own Xbox... ?!?!?!??? Setting aside money issues, I found that unreasonable.
His reliability was sketchy at best, and he struggled to do "grown-up things"...manage money, discipline kids, set structure, manage time, organize life, share intimate feelings...but he was sweet as can be!
For me, I couldn't do it anymore because I felt so incredibly alone, and felt like I could parent all six kids better if I were all alone. So now he and his kids have moved out. I felt awful asking for it because he's so "nice". But "nice" doesn't mean "good partner" or "right for me". It's not good enough.
He's been gone almost a month. I'm enjoying my space while mourning the idea of him (not reality). He immersed in AA and a counselor...things I'd asked for months ago...
He tells me he's learning about himself and how he held me at a distance...how he is learning who he is...learning life coping skills...digging through the baggage...
I hope that's all true, for his sake and his kids' sake. But I didn't ask him to leave to force a change, and I think he's reacting to "get back home". I asked him to leave because I was tired and unhappy. I say this because many times we might put them out and then take them right back when they're sweet or talk about changes. I'm waiting at least a year before I'll even talk about it, and I'm avoiding talking to him so I don't get charmed.
Anyway, just want you to know that I find the sweet, codependent alcoholic much harder to deal with because I feel like the big meany. When I divorced my ex, he was such a jerk that I wouldn't have cared much if I "hurt" him by leaving. This one is so sad and fragile (like a little boy) that I feel too much responsibility.
My recent relationship the last 18 months has been with a very kind, sweet, giving man. He even stopped drinking when I told him he couldn't live here if he kept doing it, which he's sustained for the last 8 months as an alcoholic.
However though dating was amazing, from day 1 living together, I felt partner-less. I couldn't count on him to actively parent any of our kids (mine are more self sufficient, his are younger and NEED order and discipline). I had to be the heavy in all situations. There were six kids altogether, and when they argued over the Xbox, his answer was that we should just buy everyone their own Xbox... ?!?!?!??? Setting aside money issues, I found that unreasonable.
His reliability was sketchy at best, and he struggled to do "grown-up things"...manage money, discipline kids, set structure, manage time, organize life, share intimate feelings...but he was sweet as can be!
For me, I couldn't do it anymore because I felt so incredibly alone, and felt like I could parent all six kids better if I were all alone. So now he and his kids have moved out. I felt awful asking for it because he's so "nice". But "nice" doesn't mean "good partner" or "right for me". It's not good enough.
He's been gone almost a month. I'm enjoying my space while mourning the idea of him (not reality). He immersed in AA and a counselor...things I'd asked for months ago...
He tells me he's learning about himself and how he held me at a distance...how he is learning who he is...learning life coping skills...digging through the baggage...
I hope that's all true, for his sake and his kids' sake. But I didn't ask him to leave to force a change, and I think he's reacting to "get back home". I asked him to leave because I was tired and unhappy. I say this because many times we might put them out and then take them right back when they're sweet or talk about changes. I'm waiting at least a year before I'll even talk about it, and I'm avoiding talking to him so I don't get charmed.
Anyway, just want you to know that I find the sweet, codependent alcoholic much harder to deal with because I feel like the big meany. When I divorced my ex, he was such a jerk that I wouldn't have cared much if I "hurt" him by leaving. This one is so sad and fragile (like a little boy) that I feel too much responsibility.
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Originally Posted by Praying 
But "nice" doesn't mean "good partner" or "right for me". It's not good enough.
"He doesn't abuse me" is a pretty low threshold for a relationship.
Blue, your husband drank for most of your marriage, it sounds like. And like a lot of people, you probably thought his getting sober would fix everything. I suspect he thinks that by being the nice guy, he's doing everything he needs to do, and as you've seen, that isn't NEARLY enough to be a good partner.
Since he's been sober a good bit of time at this point, do you think he'd be willing to try marriage counseling? Of course, if you really don't want to be married to him anymore, that might just be prolonging the inevitable. If you DO want to give it a shot, though, it might be worth a try.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Oh Blue Hawaii, the answer is a resounding yes, I completely understand your frustration and confusion.
I have been married 26 years to a man that anyone that meets him says he's the nicest guy, salt of the earth, etc. I used to say to my friends that we could be in the biggest fight and he'd still ask me if I'd like a glass of water. However, 25 years into the marriage, I found out he was a high functioning alcoholic.
That's when I began to run a playback in my head of the past 26 years. While I am still smack dab in the middle of my codependent recovery, there are many things I've come to know and realize. One big thing was that while there was no physical abuse in our marriage, there was definitely mental (by his making me think I was crazy and out of control) and emotional abuse by being emotionally distant for many years.
His being "nice" was his way of covering for so much. His saying "it wasn't my intention to ...." was manipulation. His saying "whats the big deal" every time I got upset was his way of distraction from the issue at hand and turning it on me. I was constantly made to look crazy. And I eventually began to believe it. As did my kids. The list of passive aggressive behavior he pulls is endless.
And I know the view from others on the outside is that he's so nice and you're the one overreacting. I stayed in my marriage with him, besides all the passive aggressive behavior, without any emotional connection. Which I know is the alcoholism. My STBAXH is incapable of seeing what he does because he still lives in denial, blame and anger (which he shows, but does not speak). He is incapable of feeling his own emotions and therefore was incapable of connection. He is unaware of how he is, so he is unable to make changes. He chooses not to see and it is much easier to blame me.
I stayed in the marriage far too long. I used to say "at least he's a nice guy, there's not alot of nice guys out there, if I just work on my issues then I can tolerate his, but I should stay because he's nice". I realized I was totally sacrificing my own worthiness. I started to see other couples around me and saw that they communicated, that they put an arm on one another, or held hands, or asked how each other was doing. The list went on and on of things I was slowly starting to see did not exist in my relationship and because I got married so young, I accepted all those things as normal.
I now see it was my belief that I was unworthy. I see that he isn't going to change for me or anyone else because he doesn't want to and that's not my problem. I cannot force him into recovery. I can only work on myself. I know I am worthy of love, of respect, of caring, of being special to another human. And I want to share those things with someone.
My STBAXH started AA a few months ago and left me. I was completely devastated. I started a ton of recovery and months of work have made me learn alot about myself and my true worthiness and I now know that his leaving was the best gift he could've ever given me. I don't know if I ever would've had the strength to leave on my own.
The moment I really realized I had been alone for most of my marriage was after he moved out and my home life didn't change. He wasn't "missing". As someone once said to me on this site, "you can't be abandoned by someone who wasn't there in the first place". I wasn't really lonely, because I'd been lonely for so many years and didn't even know it.
As I've said on this forum before, while I'm not happy I married an alcoholic, I'm grateful that it forced me to do the work on myself necessary to find my own value, courage, strength and peace that I don't think I had ever known.
You will be ok. Focus on you. Come and post here. Go to Alanon consistently. Read, Go to therapy. These are all the things that have given me the tools and knowledge I needed to keep moving ahead and live the life I was meant to lead. You can do this. Take care of YOU. If you can get into marriage counseling and he can see how his actions are affecting his life and you and he wants to change, that will be a beautiful thing. I pray that happens for you. In the meanwhile, take care of you. You'll be ok. I hope this helps that you feel that you are not alone, or crazy, in what you are going through.
I have been married 26 years to a man that anyone that meets him says he's the nicest guy, salt of the earth, etc. I used to say to my friends that we could be in the biggest fight and he'd still ask me if I'd like a glass of water. However, 25 years into the marriage, I found out he was a high functioning alcoholic.
That's when I began to run a playback in my head of the past 26 years. While I am still smack dab in the middle of my codependent recovery, there are many things I've come to know and realize. One big thing was that while there was no physical abuse in our marriage, there was definitely mental (by his making me think I was crazy and out of control) and emotional abuse by being emotionally distant for many years.
His being "nice" was his way of covering for so much. His saying "it wasn't my intention to ...." was manipulation. His saying "whats the big deal" every time I got upset was his way of distraction from the issue at hand and turning it on me. I was constantly made to look crazy. And I eventually began to believe it. As did my kids. The list of passive aggressive behavior he pulls is endless.
And I know the view from others on the outside is that he's so nice and you're the one overreacting. I stayed in my marriage with him, besides all the passive aggressive behavior, without any emotional connection. Which I know is the alcoholism. My STBAXH is incapable of seeing what he does because he still lives in denial, blame and anger (which he shows, but does not speak). He is incapable of feeling his own emotions and therefore was incapable of connection. He is unaware of how he is, so he is unable to make changes. He chooses not to see and it is much easier to blame me.
I stayed in the marriage far too long. I used to say "at least he's a nice guy, there's not alot of nice guys out there, if I just work on my issues then I can tolerate his, but I should stay because he's nice". I realized I was totally sacrificing my own worthiness. I started to see other couples around me and saw that they communicated, that they put an arm on one another, or held hands, or asked how each other was doing. The list went on and on of things I was slowly starting to see did not exist in my relationship and because I got married so young, I accepted all those things as normal.
I now see it was my belief that I was unworthy. I see that he isn't going to change for me or anyone else because he doesn't want to and that's not my problem. I cannot force him into recovery. I can only work on myself. I know I am worthy of love, of respect, of caring, of being special to another human. And I want to share those things with someone.
My STBAXH started AA a few months ago and left me. I was completely devastated. I started a ton of recovery and months of work have made me learn alot about myself and my true worthiness and I now know that his leaving was the best gift he could've ever given me. I don't know if I ever would've had the strength to leave on my own.
The moment I really realized I had been alone for most of my marriage was after he moved out and my home life didn't change. He wasn't "missing". As someone once said to me on this site, "you can't be abandoned by someone who wasn't there in the first place". I wasn't really lonely, because I'd been lonely for so many years and didn't even know it.
As I've said on this forum before, while I'm not happy I married an alcoholic, I'm grateful that it forced me to do the work on myself necessary to find my own value, courage, strength and peace that I don't think I had ever known.
You will be ok. Focus on you. Come and post here. Go to Alanon consistently. Read, Go to therapy. These are all the things that have given me the tools and knowledge I needed to keep moving ahead and live the life I was meant to lead. You can do this. Take care of YOU. If you can get into marriage counseling and he can see how his actions are affecting his life and you and he wants to change, that will be a beautiful thing. I pray that happens for you. In the meanwhile, take care of you. You'll be ok. I hope this helps that you feel that you are not alone, or crazy, in what you are going through.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
And what Praying said is so true "He's been gone almost a month. I'm enjoying my space while mourning the idea of him (not reality)". I too felt I was mourning the illusion of what we could have had, not what we did have.
Remember...You are enough.
Remember...You are enough.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And I'll just add this, too. My first husband is one of the nicest people on the planet. And I mean REAL nice, not fake, and he's also extremely responsible and thoughtful.
We still got divorced after almost 15 years of marriage, all of which he was sober. The bottom line is that the marriage was a poor "fit" for me, and I was unhappy. There's a lot of other crap that came after that (MY crap, not his), and we have the world's friendliest divorce.
My point is that it's an example of someone who objectively speaking is a terrific guy, but not right for me.
We still got divorced after almost 15 years of marriage, all of which he was sober. The bottom line is that the marriage was a poor "fit" for me, and I was unhappy. There's a lot of other crap that came after that (MY crap, not his), and we have the world's friendliest divorce.
My point is that it's an example of someone who objectively speaking is a terrific guy, but not right for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Wow thank you all! It is abusive I see now to be so nice almost always makes you feel it must be me! How can I not be happy with someone who is kind.
The first 6 months we dated I got flowers every weekend.
I was 17 he 22... This scared my mom...I thought why?
I broke up with him 3-4 times in our 5 year courtship. He always won me back.
With the nice guy role...most fascinating to me was no sex till we married...he was in no hurry to marry I basically begged for it. My proposal was a ring in a quarter pounder with cheese box??? And no proposal ...waited to my 25 th where he gave me a new ring and asked to marry me lol in front of our grown girls...it was a show for them not me I know that now.
Left once for 40 days when he faked a sickness called an ambulance cause ad was out of control and he thought this would make her stop. She got blamed for this...he lied said he was really dizzy sick got pills for sinus infection.when I counted them and realized he wasn't taking them after 10 days he was caught in his lie! He told everyone I kicked him when he was down...etc.
I left but he wooed me back.marriage counselling parenting classes church every week or no longer drinking nothing has changed except he's kinder and does more work around house.
He sleeps downstairs. ...he tries to hug as if alls good always sits next to me as we watch tv ..makes me supper rubs my feet ..takes me on elaborate holidays ....etc but daughter is out of control and his response is...I found your hair clip!!!!!!
Aspergers is something our daughter says he has interesting you should say that...she mocks him about this....
I'm scared to death to leave yet emotional ly I left years ago.
To make it worse aAD is not coming with us anywhere for dinner with grandparents last night or today.she came in at 5 am after saying she was too sick to come last night.
Her sister was crying as she went to give her gift to her in bedroom and she told her to f- off don't want your f n gift!
She did nothing to deserve this.
I also found more pills in her room not only is she drinking she is on lorazepam concerta and antidepressants...etc got more lorazepam from a new doctor now that's 2 .... She's belligerent as I maintain she is moving out!
I'm proud of myself I never bought one gift for her...seems heartless yes but for years she takes and never buys us.
She owes $ we said that can go towards debt.
I can't believe I never caved.invited her for breakfast she declined we ate it all...she hit the roof! Oh well shouldn't have said you didn't want any fn breakfast.
Had a nice time with other daughter and husband at least!!!
Merry Christmas!!!! Xo
The first 6 months we dated I got flowers every weekend.
I was 17 he 22... This scared my mom...I thought why?
I broke up with him 3-4 times in our 5 year courtship. He always won me back.
With the nice guy role...most fascinating to me was no sex till we married...he was in no hurry to marry I basically begged for it. My proposal was a ring in a quarter pounder with cheese box??? And no proposal ...waited to my 25 th where he gave me a new ring and asked to marry me lol in front of our grown girls...it was a show for them not me I know that now.
Left once for 40 days when he faked a sickness called an ambulance cause ad was out of control and he thought this would make her stop. She got blamed for this...he lied said he was really dizzy sick got pills for sinus infection.when I counted them and realized he wasn't taking them after 10 days he was caught in his lie! He told everyone I kicked him when he was down...etc.
I left but he wooed me back.marriage counselling parenting classes church every week or no longer drinking nothing has changed except he's kinder and does more work around house.
He sleeps downstairs. ...he tries to hug as if alls good always sits next to me as we watch tv ..makes me supper rubs my feet ..takes me on elaborate holidays ....etc but daughter is out of control and his response is...I found your hair clip!!!!!!
Aspergers is something our daughter says he has interesting you should say that...she mocks him about this....
I'm scared to death to leave yet emotional ly I left years ago.
To make it worse aAD is not coming with us anywhere for dinner with grandparents last night or today.she came in at 5 am after saying she was too sick to come last night.
Her sister was crying as she went to give her gift to her in bedroom and she told her to f- off don't want your f n gift!
She did nothing to deserve this.
I also found more pills in her room not only is she drinking she is on lorazepam concerta and antidepressants...etc got more lorazepam from a new doctor now that's 2 .... She's belligerent as I maintain she is moving out!
I'm proud of myself I never bought one gift for her...seems heartless yes but for years she takes and never buys us.
She owes $ we said that can go towards debt.
I can't believe I never caved.invited her for breakfast she declined we ate it all...she hit the roof! Oh well shouldn't have said you didn't want any fn breakfast.
Had a nice time with other daughter and husband at least!!!
Merry Christmas!!!! Xo
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Bluehawaii.....
No one should have to spend an entire lifetime with someone who is not capable of meeting their emotional needs in the relationship.
The decisions that we make very early in our development....about a l ife partner...,,may not reflect what our desires and needs will be later in life...like twenty or thirty years later......
Marriage shouldn't have to be a life sentence.....
we should have the right and ability to choose what will make us happy in a relationship with another adult.....
Your husband is who he is....it is possible that he does have aspergers....or, maybe he is just not constructed in a way to meet your emotional needs.....whichever reason....he is not going to change.....and, it isn't his fault that he is made the way he is made.....
Unhappiness is the only reason that you need to end a relationship.....
Your opinion counts as much as your husband's, your family, his family, the neighbors, your and his friends, the church, and the community at large....
You are the one who lives in your skin......and you only get this lifetime to do it in.....
dandylion
No one should have to spend an entire lifetime with someone who is not capable of meeting their emotional needs in the relationship.
The decisions that we make very early in our development....about a l ife partner...,,may not reflect what our desires and needs will be later in life...like twenty or thirty years later......
Marriage shouldn't have to be a life sentence.....
we should have the right and ability to choose what will make us happy in a relationship with another adult.....
Your husband is who he is....it is possible that he does have aspergers....or, maybe he is just not constructed in a way to meet your emotional needs.....whichever reason....he is not going to change.....and, it isn't his fault that he is made the way he is made.....
Unhappiness is the only reason that you need to end a relationship.....
Your opinion counts as much as your husband's, your family, his family, the neighbors, your and his friends, the church, and the community at large....
You are the one who lives in your skin......and you only get this lifetime to do it in.....
dandylion
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