how hard do I be on my addict daughter knowing she had an alcoholic dad who has since recovered
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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how hard do I be on my addict daughter knowing she had an alcoholic dad who has since recovered
She was physically and emotionally abused by her dad.
She was his confidant.
He manipulated her and made her think I was the bad one.
He would cover for her when she did something wrong.
He would take her side when I asked for support.
She can be verbally abusive to me and he stands by as it happens.
She can be physically abusive .
He is a ra . On antidepressants and anxiety .
She is active in her addictive behaviour.
She refuses to talk about things since I caught that she was using again.
She belligerent and hostile.
When I say she will have to move out if she won't pay rent or money back she owes us she says she will hang herself.
She's been threatening that for years.
She's on anxiety med antidepressants alcohol and cocaine although she insists not on coke.
I feel she gets blamed for ruining the family by everyone but he made this mess by drinking when she was young and now she's struggling.
She's 24 he's been sober for 4 years.
I cannot even get her to talk about things anymore..
She was his confidant.
He manipulated her and made her think I was the bad one.
He would cover for her when she did something wrong.
He would take her side when I asked for support.
She can be verbally abusive to me and he stands by as it happens.
She can be physically abusive .
He is a ra . On antidepressants and anxiety .
She is active in her addictive behaviour.
She refuses to talk about things since I caught that she was using again.
She belligerent and hostile.
When I say she will have to move out if she won't pay rent or money back she owes us she says she will hang herself.
She's been threatening that for years.
She's on anxiety med antidepressants alcohol and cocaine although she insists not on coke.
I feel she gets blamed for ruining the family by everyone but he made this mess by drinking when she was young and now she's struggling.
She's 24 he's been sober for 4 years.
I cannot even get her to talk about things anymore..
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
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Hi, welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. Sounds like you have quite a situation going on. First, lots of people grow up in an alcoholic home, they don't all become alcoholics themselves. Second, mixing meds and alcohol may kill her. She needs to stop. Especially since the medications aren't going to work if she is drinking. Third, abuse is abuse. If she is ever physical again have her arrested. It isn't acceptable ever. Fourth, she is a grown-up she should be paying her way.
But, you also have another big problem. Your husband standing by and allowing this to occur. You two must be on the same page. You need to support and protect each other. His behavior is wrong. Is your husband in a recovery program, or does he at least belong to an online support group? You two really need too get on the same page.
I hope you stick around. Keep posting, keep reading. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here
But, you also have another big problem. Your husband standing by and allowing this to occur. You two must be on the same page. You need to support and protect each other. His behavior is wrong. Is your husband in a recovery program, or does he at least belong to an online support group? You two really need too get on the same page.
I hope you stick around. Keep posting, keep reading. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Stopping enabling her wouldn't be the same as 'being hard on' her. Addicts will say what will get them what they want - and of course, if a threat works, they will continue to use it.
Have you tried Al-Anon meetings to get some support? There will be many people there who will know what resources are available in your local area for both her and you. And also be able to advise you on how best to set some boundaries and how to guard against enabling her further.
Have you tried Al-Anon meetings to get some support? There will be many people there who will know what resources are available in your local area for both her and you. And also be able to advise you on how best to set some boundaries and how to guard against enabling her further.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
He has just started a group at our church not sure it's an aa group perse as it is for anyone with a Hangup hurt or addiction.
I have had her arrested and thrown in drunk tank and several times called for back up but never seems to get message across.
Although she hasn't been physical in 4 months since drunk tank.
From there I never picked her up or paid taxi bill even though she didn't pay him initially she finally did a few days later.
Now I'm asking her to go to rehab or move out. She won't come and look at a place or even talk about it. Last time I got her a place paid first month rent and moved her stuff there. she then had 2 years to get further into her addiction and not eat. She lost a ton of weight has eating disorder tendencies.
She since gained weight being with us and was on track for 2 months but now a downward spiral.
When I dig my heals in with tough love she is worse than ever.
Won't talk barricading her room etc.
Not coming home all night and belligerent afterwards.
She now threatening not attending Christmas! This use to bother me but whatever her loss.
I'm fed up with both of them and I feel my husband ruined her life as well as me for staying. I am so angry with both of them. And myself and yes God to be truthful as to why he would ever want me to stay in this!
And yes I have gone to al anon and fa.
Thanks for listening
I have had her arrested and thrown in drunk tank and several times called for back up but never seems to get message across.
Although she hasn't been physical in 4 months since drunk tank.
From there I never picked her up or paid taxi bill even though she didn't pay him initially she finally did a few days later.
Now I'm asking her to go to rehab or move out. She won't come and look at a place or even talk about it. Last time I got her a place paid first month rent and moved her stuff there. she then had 2 years to get further into her addiction and not eat. She lost a ton of weight has eating disorder tendencies.
She since gained weight being with us and was on track for 2 months but now a downward spiral.
When I dig my heals in with tough love she is worse than ever.
Won't talk barricading her room etc.
Not coming home all night and belligerent afterwards.
She now threatening not attending Christmas! This use to bother me but whatever her loss.
I'm fed up with both of them and I feel my husband ruined her life as well as me for staying. I am so angry with both of them. And myself and yes God to be truthful as to why he would ever want me to stay in this!
And yes I have gone to al anon and fa.
Thanks for listening
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Beccy's "hole" quote wasn't directed at you, it's part of her signature line.
Your daughter is an adult, however immature she may be. So is your husband. The only person you can control is YOU. How long will you subject yourself to this insanity? Do you have the financial resources to leave? Do you want to leave?
Your daughter is an adult, however immature she may be. So is your husband. The only person you can control is YOU. How long will you subject yourself to this insanity? Do you have the financial resources to leave? Do you want to leave?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii 
And when we access how deep the hole is then what?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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And myself and yes God to be truthful as to why he would ever want me to stay in this!
IMO, that's a cop out....to blame GOD for your own choices. you could have left ANY time....perhaps you did not know that, or did not believe it, but here in 2015 you most certainly CAN get out of the insanity. you have quite the list of things you are mad at them about - and the majority isn't stuff that is in your wheelhouse or that YOU can fix.
they are who they are.....what if you just ACCEPT that and ACCEPT you don't even like these two people and can't stand to live with them and go get your own place where you CAN call the shots and rule the kingdom so to speak?
IMO, that's a cop out....to blame GOD for your own choices. you could have left ANY time....perhaps you did not know that, or did not believe it, but here in 2015 you most certainly CAN get out of the insanity. you have quite the list of things you are mad at them about - and the majority isn't stuff that is in your wheelhouse or that YOU can fix.
they are who they are.....what if you just ACCEPT that and ACCEPT you don't even like these two people and can't stand to live with them and go get your own place where you CAN call the shots and rule the kingdom so to speak?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I suggested in another thread that you move out and leave them to their own devices.
They can support themselves, and you sound miserable in the marriage anyway.
Why keep suffering? You can't make either one of them change.
You can, however, save yourself and find some peace.
They can support themselves, and you sound miserable in the marriage anyway.
Why keep suffering? You can't make either one of them change.
You can, however, save yourself and find some peace.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds like he is working on Celebrate Recovery, which is for anyone with a hurt, hangup, or habit. I credit CR to a big part of my own codependency recovery, as well as making lifelong friends who have walked a rough road with me. You may want to check it out.
As far as the rest, if she is really a threat to herself, or you fear that at all, call 911. She is an adult and it's time to take charge of her own bad behavior. You cannot control that, but you can control your own enabling in her life.
Many hugs.
As far as the rest, if she is really a threat to herself, or you fear that at all, call 911. She is an adult and it's time to take charge of her own bad behavior. You cannot control that, but you can control your own enabling in her life.
Many hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Thank you for all your replies. I can afford to move out. I can live on my own.
I have Christian beliefs that bind me to this.
I am hopeful and have been for years but to a fault.
My own parents divorce hurt me deeply so I suspect that may be some of my issues although years later I am glad my mom had the courage to do what she did but not with out damage to U.S.
Iam a survivor,I press on...I tend to be in denial and think things are not that bad when this stuff is not happening.
He sends me Christian quotes about marriage obedience grace forgiveness...
I'm realizing it mind baffling at how I've been confused with all that's happening.
He is passive aggressive... I've done some reading on it.PA is the hardest to deal with as they seem nice but behind the scenes not.you think you are the crazy one after time and to blame.i was blamed a lot as a child for things so deep down I guess I keep thinking somehow this is my fault.
I'm slowly starting to realize that this craziness is enough to confuse anyone.
I know I have a rich life outside my home.
I keep telling myself this and this keeps me sane.
I have Christian beliefs that bind me to this.
I am hopeful and have been for years but to a fault.
My own parents divorce hurt me deeply so I suspect that may be some of my issues although years later I am glad my mom had the courage to do what she did but not with out damage to U.S.
Iam a survivor,I press on...I tend to be in denial and think things are not that bad when this stuff is not happening.
He sends me Christian quotes about marriage obedience grace forgiveness...
I'm realizing it mind baffling at how I've been confused with all that's happening.
He is passive aggressive... I've done some reading on it.PA is the hardest to deal with as they seem nice but behind the scenes not.you think you are the crazy one after time and to blame.i was blamed a lot as a child for things so deep down I guess I keep thinking somehow this is my fault.
I'm slowly starting to realize that this craziness is enough to confuse anyone.
I know I have a rich life outside my home.
I keep telling myself this and this keeps me sane.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii
When I say she will have to move out if she won't pay rent or money back she owes us she says she will hang herself.
She's 24
She's 24
If what she's saying is that bad, I would urge that you get her hospitalized, some form of psychiatric care. While she is your daughter, you are not as well equipped to handle threats of suicide as a group of trained professionals.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You said your daughter is physically abusive to you, as well as verbally abusive. That is CRIMINAL CONDUCT. I don't know if you live in Hawaii, but there, as in most places, you can obtain a protective order requiring your daughter to leave your home and to have no contact with you. Your husband doesn't have to agree. YOU are entitled to safety in your own home.
If your daughter threatens suicide, call 911. If she is a danger to herself she can be involuntarily held. If she is simply trying to manipulate you, getting picked up and held repeatedly will probably make her give up on that tactic.
I am not aware of any Christian principles that require you to allow someone to hurt you in your own home.
It's fine to vent here, but if you want to change what's happening to you, YOU must take some action to change it.
Also, try contacting your local women's shelter or the Domestic Violence Hotline and speak with an advocate. Nobody will force you to do anything you aren't willing to do, but an advocate can help you think this through and give you suggestions about how to stay safe.
If your daughter threatens suicide, call 911. If she is a danger to herself she can be involuntarily held. If she is simply trying to manipulate you, getting picked up and held repeatedly will probably make her give up on that tactic.
I am not aware of any Christian principles that require you to allow someone to hurt you in your own home.
It's fine to vent here, but if you want to change what's happening to you, YOU must take some action to change it.
Also, try contacting your local women's shelter or the Domestic Violence Hotline and speak with an advocate. Nobody will force you to do anything you aren't willing to do, but an advocate can help you think this through and give you suggestions about how to stay safe.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
I have called several times in the past she gets dragged to emergency they access her and she tells them what they want to hear and send her home.
She has threatened for years and I have never taken that lightly but they just say she has never acted on it .
its complicated and so much her mastering the system .
There has been police ambulance chrisis counsellors all involved and things get better then boom back to the beginning again. Before we were always dealing with ADHD anxiety depression with counsellors never addictions or ah ...its fa and alanon where I started to realize that's where the problem s started.
I know it s unbelievable but I never realized my hubby was an alcoholic until he quit.
That's when I realized how bad it was and how well he hid.
They say detach don't chase etc I never did cause I never knew but my daughter always did.she could tell immediately.
It was crazy how she called him out for being drunk at a family dinner and I had no idea .
He never spoke much at gatherings everyone else did looking back it came very clear.This has all come to light as I have spoken about things to my daughters.
They shared a lot of stories when they were young and what was going on.
She has threatened for years and I have never taken that lightly but they just say she has never acted on it .
its complicated and so much her mastering the system .
There has been police ambulance chrisis counsellors all involved and things get better then boom back to the beginning again. Before we were always dealing with ADHD anxiety depression with counsellors never addictions or ah ...its fa and alanon where I started to realize that's where the problem s started.
I know it s unbelievable but I never realized my hubby was an alcoholic until he quit.
That's when I realized how bad it was and how well he hid.
They say detach don't chase etc I never did cause I never knew but my daughter always did.she could tell immediately.
It was crazy how she called him out for being drunk at a family dinner and I had no idea .
He never spoke much at gatherings everyone else did looking back it came very clear.This has all come to light as I have spoken about things to my daughters.
They shared a lot of stories when they were young and what was going on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, but have you applied for a protective order? That doesn't involve arresting her or hospitalizing her--she will be arrested if she VIOLATES the order, but she doesn't have to be arrested for you to get one. Call and talk with an advocate. It's free, and completely confidential.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
If you choose to stay married for faith-based reasons,
why can't you still separate and keep your vows?
The daughter seems to be the core problem,
so what's to stop you from setting up a peaceful, drug-free household
which you can choose to invite your husband to visit without your daughter?
You have to take action on your own behalf or reconcile yourself to living
in the situation not only as it is, but as it continues to deteriorate.
That is certainly your choice, but living with violence, or the threat of
violence, isn't a good outcome for any of you.
Sounds like you are a hostage in your own home, in fact--
why can't you still separate and keep your vows?
The daughter seems to be the core problem,
so what's to stop you from setting up a peaceful, drug-free household
which you can choose to invite your husband to visit without your daughter?
You have to take action on your own behalf or reconcile yourself to living
in the situation not only as it is, but as it continues to deteriorate.
That is certainly your choice, but living with violence, or the threat of
violence, isn't a good outcome for any of you.
Sounds like you are a hostage in your own home, in fact--
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