Why am I always the bad guy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 7
Why am I always the bad guy?
Can someone explain to me the cycle of why an addict my ex always breaks up with me. I'm so hurt. I've been dating my ex for 7 months and he has broken up with me about 9 times. Because of his drinking he would stand me up sometimes because he was hungover. After the fifth time I got furious and spoke up. He broke up with me. One time it was because I knocked on his door too loud which led to him kicking me out his house because i disrespected him. The last incident was my birthday. He wanted to rush everything so we can do dinner. When we got to dinner he asked me to buy drinks for him. We ended up at three bars after where I had to pay for his drinks. I suggested movies but he wanted to go to a bar. After we got to the hotel he started stealing my wine bottle. That's when I got furious because he wouldn't stop drinking. I said he is making my birthday all about him. He then called me a **** and a bitch and left me stranded an hour away from home. His response was that it was his day too his money and his energy and he needs to have fun. He then broke up with me again. I don't know what I've done wrong. I have been there for him through everything. Is it just my relationship. I just don't understand why someone would break up with someone over the smallest things. He does have borderline personality disorder but he also drinks a lot every day. He uses excuses as its only beer but is it normal to have a six pack every night? And to drink heavily on weekends? Help please I feel so confused.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Seems to me a better question is why you are still with someone who breaks up with you more than once a month.
And BPD on top of it? Why are you subjecting yourself to this kind of treatment?
And BPD on top of it? Why are you subjecting yourself to this kind of treatment?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, sendmewings. The first thought I had was exactly the same as Lexie's question to you. Hold on before you get offended, though--it's not a jab at you, it's an honest question.
What is there about this guy that makes you keep going back? What does he offer you, right now, right here, exactly the way he is? How does he make your life better? Are you content to accept him just like he is? (Guessing NOT, or you wouldn't have posted, right?)
If you're looking for ways to make him into the person you think he could/should/might really be, it's a fool's errand. He is an adult with the right to run his life as he pleases, whatever the rest of the world thinks about it. And if you don't like who that makes him or how he runs his life, you'll get much better results from removing yourself from the situation than from trying to make him be someone different.
Educating yourself about alcoholism will help you understand a lot. Read as much as you can here, get to some Alanon meetings. And the next time he breaks up w/you? My suggestion would be to take your marbles and move on. This: is simply NEVER acceptable, IMHO.
What is there about this guy that makes you keep going back? What does he offer you, right now, right here, exactly the way he is? How does he make your life better? Are you content to accept him just like he is? (Guessing NOT, or you wouldn't have posted, right?)
If you're looking for ways to make him into the person you think he could/should/might really be, it's a fool's errand. He is an adult with the right to run his life as he pleases, whatever the rest of the world thinks about it. And if you don't like who that makes him or how he runs his life, you'll get much better results from removing yourself from the situation than from trying to make him be someone different.
Educating yourself about alcoholism will help you understand a lot. Read as much as you can here, get to some Alanon meetings. And the next time he breaks up w/you? My suggestion would be to take your marbles and move on. This:
He then called me a **** and a bitch and left me stranded an hour away from home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Sendmewings 
Help please I feel so confused.
You've only been dating this guy for 7 months, you need to run and run fast....do not look back before you wind up like me - 8 years in, married with 2 children and still trying to wonder what's wrong with him and trying to desperately fix him. This sounds exactly like what my AH used to do to me in the beginning of our dating. He would break up with me and kick me out over the smallest stupidest thing and I used to just let roll off because I knew he was drinking. I didn't realize at the time these were HUGE RED FLAGS. This will be a pattern that will repeat time and time again with you and this guy. Although my AH can no longer kick me out, he's still angered by the slightest things. I promise, you don't want a future with someone like that, read my threads you'll see what I'm talking about! You sound young, you don't have any ties to this man. He has problems that he needs to deal with . Get out while you still can. You came here looking for answers because you know something isn't right, don't make excuses for him and don't make excuses for yourself. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and although you make think it can't get any worse, IT WILL...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when you need two hands to keep count of the number of times he's broken up with you....in a short seven months....the question is WHY are you still hanging around??? get away from this guy and stay away.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, I'm sorry if I came off abruptly, but honeypig elaborated perfectly. I'm sorry you're in pain--that always sucks. But you can't expect anything better from this guy, and if I were you I'd be off looking for someone who enhanced my life rather than making me miserable on a more-or-less constant basis.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for replying
Hard question but I guess when he is sober he is very loving and attentive. We hang out almost every day and if not he calls me. We have a fun time when he's not drinking. We have the same goals in mind. And we can talk for hours it's never boring. It's just when he drinks the ugly side comes out. And then I just get so nervous waiting for something to happen. I became defensive lately and he didn't like it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Dimndaruf
This may not be what you want to hear...
You've only been dating this guy for 7 months, you need to run and run fast....do not look back before you wind up like me - 8 years in, married with 2 children and still trying to wonder what's wrong with him and trying to desperately fix him. This sounds exactly like what my AH used to do to me in the beginning of our dating. He would break up with me and kick me out over the smallest stupidest thing and I used to just let roll off because I knew he was drinking. I didn't realize at the time these were HUGE RED FLAGS. This will be a pattern that will repeat time and time again with you and this guy. Although my AH can no longer kick me out, he's still angered by the slightest things. I promise, you don't want a future with someone like that, read my threads you'll see what I'm talking about! You sound young, you don't have any ties to this man. He has problems that he needs to deal with . Get out while you still can. You came here looking for answers because you know something isn't right, don't make excuses for him and don't make excuses for yourself. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and although you make think it can't get any worse, IT WILL...
You've only been dating this guy for 7 months, you need to run and run fast....do not look back before you wind up like me - 8 years in, married with 2 children and still trying to wonder what's wrong with him and trying to desperately fix him. This sounds exactly like what my AH used to do to me in the beginning of our dating. He would break up with me and kick me out over the smallest stupidest thing and I used to just let roll off because I knew he was drinking. I didn't realize at the time these were HUGE RED FLAGS. This will be a pattern that will repeat time and time again with you and this guy. Although my AH can no longer kick me out, he's still angered by the slightest things. I promise, you don't want a future with someone like that, read my threads you'll see what I'm talking about! You sound young, you don't have any ties to this man. He has problems that he needs to deal with . Get out while you still can. You came here looking for answers because you know something isn't right, don't make excuses for him and don't make excuses for yourself. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and although you make think it can't get any worse, IT WILL...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Sendmewings
Yes that's why I keep coming back because I brush it off because he's drunk. I blame it on alcohol
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You say you have the same "goals in mind" but if he's an alcoholic with a personality disorder he can have all the goals in the world, but they will be as realistic as having a goal of winning the lottery.
However awesome he may seem WHEN HE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY, you can be certain that YOUR life will become smaller and smaller as you live for those unpredictable moments, while you suffer with anxiety and unhappiness the rest of the time.
You have relatively little time invested in the relationship right now, and waiting will not make it easier to leave.
What kind of goals do YOU have (that you believe you share with him)? If any of those include marriage or children, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Ask anyone here who has married or had children with an alcoholic. And again, the BPD (which is next to impossible to treat) will magnify the "normal" problems of an alcoholic relationship.
However awesome he may seem WHEN HE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY, you can be certain that YOUR life will become smaller and smaller as you live for those unpredictable moments, while you suffer with anxiety and unhappiness the rest of the time.
You have relatively little time invested in the relationship right now, and waiting will not make it easier to leave.
What kind of goals do YOU have (that you believe you share with him)? If any of those include marriage or children, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Ask anyone here who has married or had children with an alcoholic. And again, the BPD (which is next to impossible to treat) will magnify the "normal" problems of an alcoholic relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Sendmewings
. I became defensive lately and he didn't like it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is very tempting to compartmentalize the drunken behavior as separate from the sober person you connect with, but it is imperative to accept that they are the same person. Not to dismiss, minimize, or ignore the unacceptable behavior when he is drunk as "not the real him."
Moreover, alcoholism is a progressive condition -- unless the addict commits everything they have to recovery, it will get worse over time. You will see less and less of his sober side.
You deserve a partner who is present, attentive, and who does not need to numb their emotions or avoid life with a drug. Sending you strength and courage to ask yourself some tough questions about what you really want and what you are willing to settle for.
Moreover, alcoholism is a progressive condition -- unless the addict commits everything they have to recovery, it will get worse over time. You will see less and less of his sober side.
You deserve a partner who is present, attentive, and who does not need to numb their emotions or avoid life with a drug. Sending you strength and courage to ask yourself some tough questions about what you really want and what you are willing to settle for.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but he also drinks a lot every day
when he is sober he is very loving and attentive
if he is drinking EVERY day exactly when are these wonderful SOBER moments happening? you are justifying and rationalizing what you already know deep down is just flat out wrong and going nowhere.
I have been there for him through everything.
correction, you've only been with him thru SEVEN MONTHS. and it's been pure torture...you've been disrespected, used, abused, left high and dry. this is NOT a relationship......
when he is sober he is very loving and attentive
if he is drinking EVERY day exactly when are these wonderful SOBER moments happening? you are justifying and rationalizing what you already know deep down is just flat out wrong and going nowhere.
I have been there for him through everything.
correction, you've only been with him thru SEVEN MONTHS. and it's been pure torture...you've been disrespected, used, abused, left high and dry. this is NOT a relationship......
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I have been there for him through everything.
correction, you've only been with him thru SEVEN MONTHS.
correction, you've only been with him thru SEVEN MONTHS.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he drinks every day he is NEVER sober......you have never seen him fully 100% SOBER.
as i understand, you two are "broke up" again.....why not just leave it that way and move forward with your own wonderful life?
as i understand, you two are "broke up" again.....why not just leave it that way and move forward with your own wonderful life?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I have been where you are now...and like another person I also married that man.,..after only a short period of time. He was sober during that time and he was so great...but that all changed once he started drinking again. I too cling onto the good days...when he isn't drinking or when he "only has a 6 pack", but then a few days go by and something else sets him off.
In my experience it gets worse. Please, please, if I could give you any advice, it would be this...this is as good as it is going to get...he won't get better unless he quits drinking and gets help. He is just going to drag you down. You will start to feel tired, depressed...feel like you are walking on egg shells, not wanting to say the wrong thing...your self esteem will suffer...it is not a happy life...there are good moments, but if you look at the whole picture is it a happy relationship?
So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone...
In my experience it gets worse. Please, please, if I could give you any advice, it would be this...this is as good as it is going to get...he won't get better unless he quits drinking and gets help. He is just going to drag you down. You will start to feel tired, depressed...feel like you are walking on egg shells, not wanting to say the wrong thing...your self esteem will suffer...it is not a happy life...there are good moments, but if you look at the whole picture is it a happy relationship?
So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sendmewings, the start of a new relationship is supposed to be amazing, fun, exciting. It's supposed to make your heart soar. It's NOT supposed to be filled with hurt, entitlement, rude behavior. It's not supposed to drop kick your heart; that's not the same as soaring, at all. It's not supposed to leave you feeling confused.
Seriously? He made you pay for his drinks on your birthday? (I'm guessing he didn't buy yours then.) And, he not only didn't ask you what you wanted to do on your birthday, but refused to do what you wanted?
Can you step back a bit and look at the above as if one of your girlfriends was telling you about a date? What would your advice be on whether or not she should accept another date?
Drinking doesn't make people into someone they're not. It loosens inhibitions to do things they might otherwise think twice about. Or it gives them a convenient excuse to indulge in certain behaviors. I can't even count the number of times I heard "I was DRUNK. Why are you mad?" I was mad, because HE did it. I was mad and hurt because something was wrong with what I'd just been through. _His_ behavior hurt me. And even though I also blamed it on the alcohol, it wasn't the bottle of vodka or rum that did it, it was HIM. The bottle just gave him, and I, something else to blame it on.
Something to bear in mind: Seven months into a relationship should be all warm-fuzzies, butterflies... It should be wistful smiles and thoughts of "my boyfriend is amazing". At seven months, there shouldn't already be any 'except's. No "My boyfriend is amazing, except when ___".
Seriously? He made you pay for his drinks on your birthday? (I'm guessing he didn't buy yours then.) And, he not only didn't ask you what you wanted to do on your birthday, but refused to do what you wanted?
Can you step back a bit and look at the above as if one of your girlfriends was telling you about a date? What would your advice be on whether or not she should accept another date?
Drinking doesn't make people into someone they're not. It loosens inhibitions to do things they might otherwise think twice about. Or it gives them a convenient excuse to indulge in certain behaviors. I can't even count the number of times I heard "I was DRUNK. Why are you mad?" I was mad, because HE did it. I was mad and hurt because something was wrong with what I'd just been through. _His_ behavior hurt me. And even though I also blamed it on the alcohol, it wasn't the bottle of vodka or rum that did it, it was HIM. The bottle just gave him, and I, something else to blame it on.
Something to bear in mind: Seven months into a relationship should be all warm-fuzzies, butterflies... It should be wistful smiles and thoughts of "my boyfriend is amazing". At seven months, there shouldn't already be any 'except's. No "My boyfriend is amazing, except when ___".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Sendmewings,
So sorry youīre going through this, Iīm at a similar situation right now though I was with my Abf double as long, 14 months. And yes, at only 14 months I had the walking on eggshells, feeling depressed, anxious, physically ill. Like you, I didnīt see him every day but he would call me drunk on weeknights and in the weekends drinking would begin after lunch. The verbal abuse escalated extremely fast.
I began reading about alcoholism when he fell asleep in the bathtub and became angry with me when I turned off the water. He found it very funny to wake me many times in the middle of the night when I stayed at his place and demand I give him **** s**.
When it was my birthday he also made it all about him and became verbally abusive, shouting at me until I just left. I havenīt heard from him since and Iīm getting strength here to keep it that way.
The thing that srikes me, looking back, is that he began to pull away when I stopped engaging during his rants. Previously, I was swept up in all the drama and believed I had done something wrong (even though logically, I hadnīt), and then I would be the bad guy all the time. But then, when I understood it was part of what alcoholiscs do and maintained my cool, it was like I just didnīt do for him anymore, you know? He began to suggest we break up, something he had never done before. So I think his last rant was a way to chase me away. I just wasnīt suitable as an enabler anymore. This hurts so much, I completely get where youīre at but try to think in the long term, how things can go from bad to worse.
So sorry youīre going through this, Iīm at a similar situation right now though I was with my Abf double as long, 14 months. And yes, at only 14 months I had the walking on eggshells, feeling depressed, anxious, physically ill. Like you, I didnīt see him every day but he would call me drunk on weeknights and in the weekends drinking would begin after lunch. The verbal abuse escalated extremely fast.
I began reading about alcoholism when he fell asleep in the bathtub and became angry with me when I turned off the water. He found it very funny to wake me many times in the middle of the night when I stayed at his place and demand I give him **** s**.
When it was my birthday he also made it all about him and became verbally abusive, shouting at me until I just left. I havenīt heard from him since and Iīm getting strength here to keep it that way.
The thing that srikes me, looking back, is that he began to pull away when I stopped engaging during his rants. Previously, I was swept up in all the drama and believed I had done something wrong (even though logically, I hadnīt), and then I would be the bad guy all the time. But then, when I understood it was part of what alcoholiscs do and maintained my cool, it was like I just didnīt do for him anymore, you know? He began to suggest we break up, something he had never done before. So I think his last rant was a way to chase me away. I just wasnīt suitable as an enabler anymore. This hurts so much, I completely get where youīre at but try to think in the long term, how things can go from bad to worse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Never mind what he is doing. What are you doing?
Originally Posted by Sendmewings
Can someone explain to me the cycle of why an addict my ex always breaks up with me. I'm so hurt. I've been dating my ex for 7 months and he has broken up with me about 9 times. Because of his drinking he would stand me up sometimes because he was hungover. After the fifth time I got furious and spoke up. He broke up with me. One time it was because I knocked on his door too loud which led to him kicking me out his house because i disrespected him. The last incident was my birthday. He wanted to rush everything so we can do dinner. When we got to dinner he asked me to buy drinks for him. We ended up at three bars after where I had to pay for his drinks. I suggested movies but he wanted to go to a bar. After we got to the hotel he started stealing my wine bottle. That's when I got furious because he wouldn't stop drinking. I said he is making my birthday all about him. He then called me a **** and a bitch and left me stranded an hour away from home. His response was that it was his day too his money and his energy and he needs to have fun. He then broke up with me again. I don't know what I've done wrong. I have been there for him through everything. Is it just my relationship. I just don't understand why someone would break up with someone over the smallest things. He does have borderline personality disorder but he also drinks a lot every day. He uses excuses as its only beer but is it normal to have a six pack every night? And to drink heavily on weekends? Help please I feel so confused.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
