Why am I always the bad guy?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Look familiar?
You will never make him happy. He cannot be happy while in active addiction. Noone will make him happy while in active addiction - except maybe another addict or another enabler...for a short time.
More importantly - he cannot make you happy while active in his addiction. Because you deserve more than what he will be capable of giving you.
He cannot consistently think rationally, he cannot argue fairly, and he cannot behave reciprocally. He just can't, and he shows you that. It hurts - we all know the pain well. I hope you stay here, keep reading, and find the real reasons you wanted someone like him, when you deserve so much more.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Sendmewings 
Can someone explain to me the cycle of why an addict my ex always breaks up with me. I'm so hurt. I've been dating my ex for 7 months and he has broken up with me about 9 times. Because of his drinking he would stand me up sometimes because he was hungover. After the fifth time I got furious and spoke up. He broke up with me. One time it was because I knocked on his door too loud which led to him kicking me out his house because i disrespected him. The last incident was my birthday. He wanted to rush everything so we can do dinner. When we got to dinner he asked me to buy drinks for him. We ended up at three bars after where I had to pay for his drinks. I suggested movies but he wanted to go to a bar. After we got to the hotel he started stealing my wine bottle. That's when I got furious because he wouldn't stop drinking. I said he is making my birthday all about him. He then called me a **** and a bitch and left me stranded an hour away from home. His response was that it was his day too his money and his energy and he needs to have fun. He then broke up with me again. I don't know what I've done wrong. I have been there for him through everything. Is it just my relationship. I just don't understand why someone would break up with someone over the smallest things. He does have borderline personality disorder but he also drinks a lot every day. He uses excuses as its only beer but is it normal to have a six pack every night? And to drink heavily on weekends? Help please I feel so confused.
I don't want to talk about alcohol right now, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder. It appears that he was diagnosed with this, is that correct? Is he going for any DBT? Is he on any meds, not that meds will do much except to calm his anxiety a little.
I'll agree that alcohol and someone who has BPD can make things worse. Thing is, so far you really aren't in a long term relationship. I was married to someone that I really am pretty sure 99.99% sure who had a borderline personality disorder.
For all of this to be happening so fast, I need to say run, and run as fast as you can. Both alcoholism and BPD are progressive with the personality disorder taking off really fast. You're already seeing it.
Do you realize that anytime that you are upset about something that will set up for a "war"? Reason for this is that if you are upset and you try to JADE, (justify, argue, defend, explain), then you are telling them that they are a monster and then they will "attack".
Do you know that anytime they are having a bad day, that they will come home and look at you to see how you caused this? They actually were already fighting or having a war in their own head about how you caused things, when you weren't even there.
The push/pull thing, is common, (talking about how many break ups you have had so far.
Will this get worse? H3ll yes.
I hope I didn't scare you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
An alcoholic's first priority is drinking. When you got mad at him for standing you up since he was hungover, he probably felt like you were a threat to his drinking. Again, on your birthday, his priority was drinking. His first priority is likely always going to be drinking. No matter the cost. It won't matter to him if it hurts you. Alcoholics won't even quit when it hurts themselves.
It sounds like he has more going on than just being an alcoholic- possibly the BPD or maybe just a case of being a bit of a jerk. I was an alcoholic too, but I didn't call any of my boyfriends names or treat them like he is treating you. Some alcoholics just become particularly nasty people when they're drunk and it sounds like he can be one of those. I've been there... one of my exes was that way.
Alcoholics can't see or care about the damage that their drinking causes... or at least, they can't admit to the role alcohol played in it. An alcoholic that gets a DUI will likely think, "If only I'd taken a different route home..." Never "Maybe I should quit drinking." It's sick and twisted thinking and it's impossible to understand if you've never been there.
What I'm saying is that your ex is highly unlikely to ever be able to admit to himself that the alcohol causes/caused problems in your relationship and quit drinking. You may have dodged a bullet. Break-ups always suck, even if we know they are for the best though. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
It sounds like he has more going on than just being an alcoholic- possibly the BPD or maybe just a case of being a bit of a jerk. I was an alcoholic too, but I didn't call any of my boyfriends names or treat them like he is treating you. Some alcoholics just become particularly nasty people when they're drunk and it sounds like he can be one of those. I've been there... one of my exes was that way.
Alcoholics can't see or care about the damage that their drinking causes... or at least, they can't admit to the role alcohol played in it. An alcoholic that gets a DUI will likely think, "If only I'd taken a different route home..." Never "Maybe I should quit drinking." It's sick and twisted thinking and it's impossible to understand if you've never been there.
What I'm saying is that your ex is highly unlikely to ever be able to admit to himself that the alcohol causes/caused problems in your relationship and quit drinking. You may have dodged a bullet. Break-ups always suck, even if we know they are for the best though. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by amy55
Sendmewings, First I really want to say welcome and thank you for coming here and telling your story. I'm sure that took a lot to do that.
I don't want to talk about alcohol right now, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder. It appears that he was diagnosed with this, is that correct? Is he going for any DBT? Is he on any meds, not that meds will do much except to calm his anxiety a little.
I'll agree that alcohol and someone who has BPD can make things worse. Thing is, so far you really aren't in a long term relationship. I was married to someone that I really am pretty sure 99.99% sure who had a borderline personality disorder.
For all of this to be happening so fast, I need to say run, and run as fast as you can. Both alcoholism and BPD are progressive with the personality disorder taking off really fast. You're already seeing it.
Do you realize that anytime that you are upset about something that will set up for a "war"? Reason for this is that if you are upset and you try to JADE, (justify, argue, defend, explain), then you are telling them that they are a monster and then they will "attack".
Do you know that anytime they are having a bad day, that they will come home and look at you to see how you caused this? They actually were already fighting or having a war in their own head about how you caused things, when you weren't even there.
The push/pull thing, is common, (talking about how many break ups you have had so far.
Will this get worse? H3ll yes.
I hope I didn't scare you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
I don't want to talk about alcohol right now, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder. It appears that he was diagnosed with this, is that correct? Is he going for any DBT? Is he on any meds, not that meds will do much except to calm his anxiety a little.
I'll agree that alcohol and someone who has BPD can make things worse. Thing is, so far you really aren't in a long term relationship. I was married to someone that I really am pretty sure 99.99% sure who had a borderline personality disorder.
For all of this to be happening so fast, I need to say run, and run as fast as you can. Both alcoholism and BPD are progressive with the personality disorder taking off really fast. You're already seeing it.
Do you realize that anytime that you are upset about something that will set up for a "war"? Reason for this is that if you are upset and you try to JADE, (justify, argue, defend, explain), then you are telling them that they are a monster and then they will "attack".
Do you know that anytime they are having a bad day, that they will come home and look at you to see how you caused this? They actually were already fighting or having a war in their own head about how you caused things, when you weren't even there.
The push/pull thing, is common, (talking about how many break ups you have had so far.
Will this get worse? H3ll yes.
I hope I didn't scare you.
(((((((hugs)))))))
amy
Are relationships supposed to be like this? I know in relationships you fight but it can't be normal to break up every fight. Especially when things were great the day before. But then again he did have a whole bottle of wine that night and must have been drinking because he went late to work the next day. This is so confusing but I'm accepting this break up as final. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I will not get back with him. Thanks to everyone who posted. It has helped me to understand and not be as confused. It's has also gotten me to think about my future and I realized I do not want to be with someone like this long term. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
No, Sendmewings, relationships are not supposed to be like this. Not healthy ones anyway. And I think that you know this, which is why you reached out here!
Please check out some resources, maybe Al-Anon or therapy, and see if you can figure out what it is about yourself that keeps running back to this situation. Until you realize that you are better than this and don't deserve this kind of treatment, you'll just continue to end up in relationships that are similarly bad for you over and over again.
Sending you hope and strength!
Please check out some resources, maybe Al-Anon or therapy, and see if you can figure out what it is about yourself that keeps running back to this situation. Until you realize that you are better than this and don't deserve this kind of treatment, you'll just continue to end up in relationships that are similarly bad for you over and over again.
Sending you hope and strength!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by Sendmewings
Wow this is exactly him, everytime I got upset he would break up with me and blame me for everything. He said if I didn't make him mad he wouldn't break up with me. He was drunk when he told me his therapist diagnosed him with borderline but I think it's true because he takes anxiety pills. When drunk he also revealed he was molested as a child. He asked for forgiveness and I got back with him yet again. The cycle repeated itself. I got more upset because he kept drinking and getting high. On the final argument he was hungover and late to work. I called him after and he couldn't form a sentence all he kept saying was I need sleep. He was supposed to come over that day. And yes I got snippy I shouldn't have but its frustrating. I said with an attitude you can't even talk to me on the phone. He hung up in my face and broke up with me again. I couldn't believe I became so needy and angry.
Are relationships supposed to be like this? I know in relationships you fight but it can't be normal to break up every fight. Especially when things were great the day before. But then again he did have a whole bottle of wine that night and must have been drinking because he went late to work the next day. This is so confusing but I'm accepting this break up as final. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I will not get back with him. Thanks to everyone who posted. It has helped me to understand and not be as confused. It's has also gotten me to think about my future and I realized I do not want to be with someone like this long term. Thank you!
Are relationships supposed to be like this? I know in relationships you fight but it can't be normal to break up every fight. Especially when things were great the day before. But then again he did have a whole bottle of wine that night and must have been drinking because he went late to work the next day. This is so confusing but I'm accepting this break up as final. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I will not get back with him. Thanks to everyone who posted. It has helped me to understand and not be as confused. It's has also gotten me to think about my future and I realized I do not want to be with someone like this long term. Thank you!
If it only takes one argument to set him off and break up with you, then either he's breaking up with you to tear you down by hurting you to get his way, or he doesn't really want to be with you because the alcohol is more important. If he's hurt you so many times, you don't have to give him another chance, but if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. Before I met my ex, I let my high school girlfriend break up with me three times! My ex did it at least twice! (One was while drunk, and she didn't remember, but it still counts.)
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Sendmewings
Are relationships supposed to be like this? I know in relationships you fight but it can't be normal to break up every fight. Especially when things were great the day before. But then again he did have a whole bottle of wine that night and must have been drinking because he went late to work the next day. This is so confusing but I'm accepting this break up as final. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I will not get back with him. Thanks to everyone who posted. It has helped me to understand and not be as confused. It's has also gotten me to think about my future and I realized I do not want to be with someone like this long term. Thank you!
I left a 15 year relationship with someone who was not abusive in this way, but whose worsening alcoholism was beginning to cause me more anxiety, fear, hurt, and confusion than anything happening in my own life. The relief was palpable, even through all the painfully raw feelings.
Leaving this relationship for good is the best gift you could possibly give yourself. If you tend to be drawn to men you need to "fix," watching for red flags in the future is imperative -- be vigilant, only enter a relationship with someone who will love you and treat you like a human being.
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