Epona here again-and things are bad!
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Epona here again-and things are bad!
Naively thought I wouldn't be back here.....ha. My RAH made gestures of going to therapy, turns out he lied the whole time, to his therapist. To our therapist.
He has not worked on his core issues at all and I can't take his crap anymore. He is still an alcoholic in behavior. I feel I married an imposter, someone wearing a mask-and what's underneath is pretty ugly. I want out. The abusive roller coaster must stop. Gah.
He has not worked on his core issues at all and I can't take his crap anymore. He is still an alcoholic in behavior. I feel I married an imposter, someone wearing a mask-and what's underneath is pretty ugly. I want out. The abusive roller coaster must stop. Gah.
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Yes but it's going to take some time....was saving money for back up. He was acting better, I put the money in the household pot. Now am back to square one financially. I could just kick myself!
A work in progress
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I'd suggest making a visit to a lawyer one of your top priorities. You've had a long marriage, and would be entitled to an equal share of the marital property, possibly alimony, and you might be able to get an interim order allowing you to stay in the house (or barring that, financial help so you can move). Knowledge is power. You don't necessarily have to squirrel away all that money on your own.
Sorry things have gone downhill, but you can turn that around, for yourself.
Sorry things have gone downhill, but you can turn that around, for yourself.
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Epona.....out of my own curiosity....what kind of time span are you anticipating, to save up the money?.....roughly?
Are you "hiding it away" without your husband's knowledge?
Have you fleshed out any other parts of your exit plan, aside from the money issue?
dandylion
Are you "hiding it away" without your husband's knowledge?
Have you fleshed out any other parts of your exit plan, aside from the money issue?
dandylion
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I do plan to consult attorney. I have stashed important papers at a girlfriends house. I have support from friends re the situation. I do not plan to leave my farm. He is aware that he is the one who needs to leave, but like so many other things, I will probably have to help w that, too. I do care for him as a human being and will not throw him out on the street. I am hoping we can come to terms, as peacefully and rationally as possible, which is no doubt a "stretch" but I can hope for this while still taking steps to protect my interests. Unless he totally flips out in which case, the "plan" would change. I am dealing w someone who has very poor coping skills, already mentioned suicide this morning...
so he may end up in the psych unit if that is where he needs to be.
so he may end up in the psych unit if that is where he needs to be.
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Originally Posted by Epona 
I am hoping we can come to terms, as peacefully and rationally as possible, which is no doubt a "stretch" but I can hope for this while still taking steps to protect my interests. Unless he totally flips out in which case, the "plan" would change. I am dealing w someone who has very poor coping skills, already mentioned suicide this morning... so he may end up in the psych unit if that is where he needs to be.
so he may end up in the psych unit if that is where he needs to be.I became almost immune to his craziness when I was living with it. I think you might be in the same boat, because to me, talking about suicide, whether as a manipulation tactic or a legitimate threat is pretty serious. But we get so used to those kinds of threats that we can almost ignore them. Talking about suicide is not rational or peaceful discourse. It sounds like his issues go way beyond poor coping skills. Especially if he had the savvy to lie and put on a front for you and two different therapists.
I was also very worried about what would happen to my ex when I left. I fully expected him to crash and burn and totally hit bottom. He has turned out to be way more resourceful than I gave him credit for. I regret not spending more time taking care of my own needs. For all the worrying I did on his behalf, he ended up being completely fine without me.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Eponema......it sounds like you have everything covered and taken care of, then.
dandylion
dandylion
What I am struggling with is a myriad of emotions....
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I had similar hopes for the situation with my ex, but I have come to realize that if it was possible to have "peaceful" or "rational" discussions then he probably wouldn't be my ex.
I became almost immune to his craziness when I was living with it. I think you might be in the same boat, because to me, talking about suicide, whether as a manipulation tactic or a legitimate threat is pretty serious. But we get so used to those kinds of threats that we can almost ignore them. Talking about suicide is not rational or peaceful discourse. It sounds like his issues go way beyond poor coping skills. Especially if he had the savvy to lie and put on a front for you and two different therapists.
I was also very worried about what would happen to my ex when I left. I fully expected him to crash and burn and totally hit bottom. He has turned out to be way more resourceful than I gave him credit for. I regret not spending more time taking care of my own needs. For all the worrying I did on his behalf, he ended up being completely fine without me.
I became almost immune to his craziness when I was living with it. I think you might be in the same boat, because to me, talking about suicide, whether as a manipulation tactic or a legitimate threat is pretty serious. But we get so used to those kinds of threats that we can almost ignore them. Talking about suicide is not rational or peaceful discourse. It sounds like his issues go way beyond poor coping skills. Especially if he had the savvy to lie and put on a front for you and two different therapists.
I was also very worried about what would happen to my ex when I left. I fully expected him to crash and burn and totally hit bottom. He has turned out to be way more resourceful than I gave him credit for. I regret not spending more time taking care of my own needs. For all the worrying I did on his behalf, he ended up being completely fine without me.
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He is on meds for depression and ADD. Major family of origin issues as you might imagine. Anger, self esteem issues. Unsuccessful overdose attempt in 2011. Only reason he lived is b/c his body rejected the 50 Vicodin he had taken and he woke up puking....
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I guess I seem pretty calm, but not really. Years of a husband who "wasn't there" due to his alcoholism. Bad behaviors/choices. I think I just don't have the energy for any more drama at this point in time.
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I'm sorry you are going through this. I can tell you that leaving, for me, was exactly what I needed to feel better. We love them, and fight with and for so much that it's hard to see how much we've lost of ourselves. I feel like a new person - in a great, great way now that I'm out. Good luck to you - short term pain for long term gain !!
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What kind of emotional support does someone need. looking at the end of a 22yr marriage??? How in the world would you feel, Dandylion? This board has really changed since I began coming here. Y'all are cold. I guess my story, and me, aren't providing enough attention getting drama. SMH. Bye.
Magsie
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Hi Epona, I've seen lives turned around by the help by the people on this forum.
Heck, mine has, but sometimes the frankness can be misconstrued as none caring, when it's completely the opposite.
Hopefully you will take it for how it is meant .
I hope you do what's right for you.
My mum was in a similar position but she forgave my dad time after time, because he was a nice guy when he was sober, which wasn't often! She never did leave him even when all children had flown the nest.
Heck, mine has, but sometimes the frankness can be misconstrued as none caring, when it's completely the opposite.
Hopefully you will take it for how it is meant .
I hope you do what's right for you.
My mum was in a similar position but she forgave my dad time after time, because he was a nice guy when he was sober, which wasn't often! She never did leave him even when all children had flown the nest.
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Whoa, this board has never been populated with mind-readers. You haven't posted a lot about what you, personally, have been feeling--most of it has been about what HE is dealing with.
I had to leave someone after a relatively brief marriage, but it was difficult in the sense that he had experienced a life-threatening medical condition as a result of drinking and I refused to keep a front-row seat for round two of the hospital death vigil.
Divorce is never easy--it represents the loss of a dream, and in the case of a long-term marriage, a lifetime of shared experiences. Not everyone struggles with the same things, though. If you talk about what you're feeling, rather than the practicalities--the nuts and bolts (which you seem to have a handle on)--we can be more helpful.
I had to leave someone after a relatively brief marriage, but it was difficult in the sense that he had experienced a life-threatening medical condition as a result of drinking and I refused to keep a front-row seat for round two of the hospital death vigil.
Divorce is never easy--it represents the loss of a dream, and in the case of a long-term marriage, a lifetime of shared experiences. Not everyone struggles with the same things, though. If you talk about what you're feeling, rather than the practicalities--the nuts and bolts (which you seem to have a handle on)--we can be more helpful.
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E,
It's not easy to have to do things you don't want to do. I was with my xah 34 years , married 26. I tried to save him and I just couldnt. It came to the point it was me or him. He didn't need my help, but I needed to help me. It sucked, and still does. We r divorced 1 year now and he is still drinking and partying, which he would have done with me or without me.
We r not uncaring soles on sr, we love our addicts with all our hearts. But they are addicts and you can not love addiction away. Words on sr are tough love but sometimes us enablers have to hear this stuff. Just like you posted, we all hoped our addicts would get sober and life would be perfect . We all hoped we wouldnt be back on sr. It's just not that easy for us and them.
You need to do what is best for you. You can sit and live in denial or you can educate yourself about this disease and take care of you. That is what it is all about, not the addict.
We are not all cold hearted people. We're just telling how we see it and what ever happened to us. I still love my xah, but I could never live with him again, after the misery that he put me through for the last 20 years. Alcohlism is progressive it will get worse.
Hugs my friend, we value each and every member on this forum, looking for guidance..
It's not easy to have to do things you don't want to do. I was with my xah 34 years , married 26. I tried to save him and I just couldnt. It came to the point it was me or him. He didn't need my help, but I needed to help me. It sucked, and still does. We r divorced 1 year now and he is still drinking and partying, which he would have done with me or without me.
We r not uncaring soles on sr, we love our addicts with all our hearts. But they are addicts and you can not love addiction away. Words on sr are tough love but sometimes us enablers have to hear this stuff. Just like you posted, we all hoped our addicts would get sober and life would be perfect . We all hoped we wouldnt be back on sr. It's just not that easy for us and them.
You need to do what is best for you. You can sit and live in denial or you can educate yourself about this disease and take care of you. That is what it is all about, not the addict.
We are not all cold hearted people. We're just telling how we see it and what ever happened to us. I still love my xah, but I could never live with him again, after the misery that he put me through for the last 20 years. Alcohlism is progressive it will get worse.
Hugs my friend, we value each and every member on this forum, looking for guidance..
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Epona.....I have been trying to find o ut how you are FEELING.....so that I could know where to begin to give some support.....
Emotional support is generally directed toward some sort of emotional state .....or about fears.....or some sort of distress........
If you could share what kind of emotions you are having......then, that would give us a starting point.....something to "grab on to"----in order to begin to try to support you......
I know this probably sounds stupid...but, what does SMH stand for?
dandylion
Emotional support is generally directed toward some sort of emotional state .....or about fears.....or some sort of distress........
If you could share what kind of emotions you are having......then, that would give us a starting point.....something to "grab on to"----in order to begin to try to support you......
I know this probably sounds stupid...but, what does SMH stand for?
dandylion
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