Epona

"You can sit and live in denial or you can educate yourself about this disease and take care of you. That is what it is all about, not the addict."

maia1234-Where in the world do you get the idea that I am in denial ? Whoa.
! I don't appreciate your inaccurate and negative assumption. Perhaps you should get more info before making a blanket statement like that.

I'm sorry for your pain, maia, that causes you to be ugly to me.

LexieCat

"Shaking my head."

Epona

SMH = shaking my head

I don't want to rehash my entire story again, so if anyone is interested I poured my heart out under "recovering husband had affair."

At this point I resent spending so much of life w someone that clearly didn't appreciate me, that was not present. So, anger, sadness, disappointment.....
Loneliness. For starters.

dandylion

Thanks, Lexie!

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm really sorry things didn't work out the way you'd hoped. I glanced through your very long previous thread and I know you were very hurt but hopeful the issues could be worked through.

But I think a lot of us can relate to feeling we can't take it any more. When you hit the wall, so to speak. You're in your early 50s--your life is far from over. When you talk about loneliness, I've discovered that living on my own is, after the initial period of adjustment, far less lonely than living with a partner who isn't really "present" in the relationship.

dandylion

Epona......I just skimmed over you last thread, myself. I didn't read every word though (16 pages)......lol.....

wow...that sounds like a lot of dashed dreams, for you.....
It sounds l ike the infidelity is an especially sore, festering wound....since you all were never able to work through it, effectively......
I would imagine that you are smack in the middle of a (normal) grief reaction, now..... Now, that the divorce is becoming a reality.....
Grief is painful...no other way to put it....and it takes it's own time....demands it's own time.....a kalediscope of feelings that are ever fluid and changing over time.....
It can bring you to your knees, at times, and exposes the tender underbelly....without much feeling of protection.....
Another person, here, described it like being a turtle with the shell removed....in a briarpatch,,,,,,,

It doesn't last forever, though....it passes, in fits and starts.....and, the sun will shine again....but it is hard to know that in the beginning parts.

Right now.....I am concerned that you and he will be spending time together in the same home.....for how long?......it is really hard to go forward with what you have to deal with...when the nidus of you pain is right in front of you......

what boundaries have you made to begin detaching.....?

The thing that is really therapeutic, at this time, is to really be able to connect with your emotions.....human contact is very important....being able to share your heart with other understanding others....being able to give vent to the emotions....all of them....The need to be "seen" and understood is paramount....
One has to have a soft place to fall, somewhere.

dandylion

TropicalWinter

When the sh!t hit the fan with AH's alcohol and drug addictions a few months ago, he was basically forced into rehab. It was while in rehab that I learned that he had been having an affair for almost a year prior. His mistress was someone that I had known and really liked.

While I had suspected an affair (or at least to the point of feeling like I wouldn't be surprised if he had), learning the reality of it was like a simultaneous punch in the gut and a stab in the back.

I don't have much wisdom to offer but I wanted to let you know that I too know the pain of betrayal.

I like what dandylion said. For me, once I found out about the affair and more about all the things he'd done, the thought of living under the same roof as him became unbearable. He actually did me a favor by never coming home when he left rehab.

Hugs to you.

maia1234

E-

First off I am not in pain and I don't feel my comments was angry!! My life this last year has been the best that I have had in 20 years. I still love my AXH and I finally accept him for who God wanted him to be. Maybe one day you will get there also.

Not that it matters, but I had attended alanon on and off for almost 15 years. The last year of my marriage I attended 2 open AA meetings 2 open alanon meetings a week and SR at night. I needed a lot of help separating from my AXH. We had been a couple since I was 15 years old. Yes I was in denial that I couldn't fix him and that by me enabling him for 34 years was not "helping" him. Until I chose to get off the crazy train, my life was hell and I learned that from these wonderful people who have battled addiction and the "enablers". I listened to every word and they were right on EVERYTHING!! (eventually I understood that)

You stated above " Naively thought I wouldn't be back here" . That is in denial. Look at every post of veterans F & F, SR members and see how they respond to members who say their addict is in recovery. They say "dont count on anything' give them a year, hit meetings and educate yourself to this disease" . If you had "educated" yourself you would have known that the likely hood of him staying sober and not lying about it were very slim. Go on to the New to recovery forum and ask them how many times they tried to stop drinking before they truly succeeded in sobriety.

You are very angry at what we are saying. But until you accept him for who he is and accept yourself for who you are, you will never move forward in your recovery and that is all that matters. I am sorry that you are offended by my comments, but maybe you could open your heart and try something different then what you have been doing in the past. You have nothing to lose.

Hugs my friend, I hope one day you can find the peace that I have found and I worked very hard to attain. I am still learning every day!!

Epona

Pondering continuing at the SR board, I don' seem to be able to present myself accurately. And I was very insulted when someone posted they had read my previous thread w my story and put (LOL) I think that it was just cruel and mean spirited and I intend to say something about that. I realize it was a long thread, over months, but LOL is not an appropriate or supportive response.

And maia1234-I said "naively" thought I wouldn't be back here-realizing that it was naïve to think so. Good for you with all of your "growth." Maybe empathy is a something you're still working on ?

Epona

For the record-he has not had anything to drink, but there is "relapsing" as far as certain behaviors, ie, angry outbursts. Thanks to all who have been kind.

LexieCat

Epona, with all compassion, try to cut a break to people who are trying to help. The "lol" referred to trying to quickly absorb the content of a very long thread--we want to understand what happened, but a quick summary of what had come before would have been helpful. We can't possibly go back and read all of the postings of someone's history with his/her alcoholic, and we have our own issues and lives to deal with, so it isn't always possible to post perfect replies. Nobody here has been intentionally harsh or unkind to you--sometimes we will miss a detail or express ourselves imperfectly.

One thing about alcoholism--for the alcoholic, drinking is the SOLUTION to life's problems. So if the alcoholic simply quits drinking and isn't making progress in their emotional lives, so they are able to live HAPPILY sober, the "isms" in alcoholism take over. He was lying to his therapist, so he's getting no help there, and you haven't mentioned AA, so I assume he isn't working any program at all. I'm not really surprised he's a mess.

Where do things stand right now in terms of getting him out of your home? I know if feels "cruel" to insist that someone leave, but in my own experience--and that of a lot of other folks here on the forum--a determined alcoholic can drag the process out indefinitely. Have you given him a deadline for figuring out other accommodations? You could easily be held hostage by his refusal to do anything unless you are willing to draw that line and follow through on it.

dandylion

Epona......I am the one who wrote "lol". I meant that 360degrees differently than it was taken.....
This is why I typed that.....I did go back and read parts of your thread....trying to grab as many of the pertinent parts as I could. I wanted to be honest---not say that I had read ALL of it.....because that would be wrong...and, I realize that I could have missed some important points.....
It was my own way of trying to say "OK...I did read your life story in your thread...but, I didn't read the whole 16 pages, so I hope that you can u nderstand and be forgiving on the fact that I didn't".
In NO way would I laugh at someone else's pain. No WAY.
If you took it that way....I am sooo sorry...I did not mean for that to happen.
I think that this is a miscommunication....my failure to adequately convey what I was thinking and feeling.....
It is so hard....just typing on the internet to convey those subtle intonations and facial and body language that helps us with the spoken word. Sometimes, it just doesn't translate in the right way.....

I did go on to write a long post to you that I had hoped would tap into what you were feeling, and, hoped, in that way to lend some support to you.....

I do have empathy.....

dandylion

hopeful4

Empona, I think I understand why you said this. Sometimes on a board things do not come across so cozy. You are going through a very hard time. I am sure living with someone like that has not been a picnic, and figuring out how to disentangle your life with someone of 22 years is complex to say the least. And I would think you are scared about what will happen to him. At least those were my feelings, even in the worst of times.

I think people here are just trying to figure out how to guide you, what type of guidance you are looking for. I am guessing emotional support only, which is great. As we always say, take what you want, and leave the rest.

You are not alone. I hope you keep posting so we can come closer to knowing how to communicate with you on a level that is acceptable for everyone and gives you the support you need. I've known Dandylion, Lexie, and lots of others on here for years. I assure you no one would outright hurt your feelings. Sometimes it's just hard to communicate by typing alone.

TropicalWinter

After participating for many years on several different internet forums, I have learned that it is always good to give someone the benefit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions with hurt feelings, etc, about things.