Soberish

I've been having some bad times here these past 4 days. I may get a day or two of relief but I feel like its worse than the first month as far as bad days go. I've been trying to "fake it till I make it".

I wake up with this horrible feeling. I'm so sick of it. My day will drag and usually pick up later on in the evening but its so wasteful to feel this way.

This past weekend I went back to my hometown, Thursday night until this morning. I had a bad night on Wednesday because my air mattress had a hole in it which deflated while I was sleeping and woke me up in the middle of the night. That crummy night gave me a bad Thursday.

Before I left, I met up with my girlfriend and we had something to eat. I explained I had a bad day and I'm sure she could tell too. We both just kind of said it will be better the next day. Well, it wasn't really.

I had a confrontation with her a week earlier because I was having a really off day as well, and she thought she did something to have me act that way. She had blown up on me by the end of the night which made me react the same way. I ended up leaving and called her later that night to explain I wasn't having a bad day because of her. I ended up saying I would be having more bad days in the near future and maybe it was best if she just didn't talk to me (my stubborn self I know). She explained that I should have just told her I didn't want to talk so I insisted I would when the next time came around. But I told her she wouldn't be happy with that either and would still be upset either way.

Well, fast forward and I told her I didn't really feel like talking this past Friday and she wasn't very happy about that. I don't really blame her. She got upset and told me something along the lines of hopefully I'm not cheating on her because shes never had a relationship where they didn't want to talk out of the blue. Well, my fuse ran out and once again I blew up on her basically saying I had told her she would have made a big deal out of it either way. I said some mean things. Anyways, she messaged me back later and said not to be mad at her.

My stubborn self has not called her back all weekend. I think part of my issue was that she was going to hang out with some of her friends. Its not a bad thing but me being selfish just wanted her all to myself I guess. I mean, deep down I know that its good for her because she needs some time away from my moody self, and I felt maybe I needed some time too.

I put off most of my homework, mainly because my mood really sucked. I did what I had to do and just left it alone, I had wanted to finish more but I didn't. I used my time to hang out with friends and that was like the only time during this weekend that actually lifted my spirits. I mean I felt really good, better than when I was drinking. Makes me wonder if I'm just homesick, I don't get too much personal interaction out where I live.

I guess this is just me venting about being selfish, stubborn, depressed, and temporarily happy. Thanks for reading, I'm off to class now.

Dee74

at least you're self aware - thats a great help in doing something about it

D

Soberwolf

Have a good day Soberish

Fly N Buy

No food to eat, no clean water to drink and living in vile exposure is having a bad day. I use to think it was when I forgot to charge my ipad and couldn't watch a movie on the plane.

Sobriety changes my perceptions, a lot. I find I am more grateful for things in life than ever before - it's these moments of grace when chained together add up to recovery(ing) and not simply undrunk.

I am grateful today I have no real problems.......just "Cadillac" problems.

Thanks for the reminder today I really need to hear it - you've just helped somebody you don't know, friend!

Glad you're here with us

Anna

It might be a good idea to start a Gratitude Journal, so you can push yourself to think of the good things in your day. And, I know you will find some if you look.

Lucie29

I've been having really bad mood swings lately, (day 10) and as a result fighting with my boyfriend, then feeling depressed about it. I can relate. I'm at a very low point in all aspects of my life right now. Anna's advice does help though. Writing down the glimmer of good things that happened in your day makes it not seem ALL terrible. You must be grateful for something. Worked for me at least, thanks Anna.

Soberish

I do take a mental inventory of the great things in my life, it really can be worse. I know this. I feel it is more just this ugly feeling that is here some days and not the next. Like living full of gratitude does nothing on these days, but other days I am completely optimistic, even without the gratitude.

What is that? What do you call that? Am I missing something?

Dee74

I think a lot of it depends on where you are in your recovery, but like I said you're obviously self aware - if you know you're being selfish and you don't want to be then maybe it's time to challenge what you call your stubbornness in this area?



D

JD

It's called life. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. You've been feeling some bad days.

Soberish

I feel selfish for wanting my girlfriend around this weekend. So how do I change that if its already passed?

Soberish

My problems are also this very low feeling I've been waking up with. I think that is my main problem right now.

Mountainmanbob

Well the bad news
I'm 8 years sober and I still get sick and tired of M-Bob at times.

The good news
I know that I would be much sicker of M-Bob if drinking.

At least being sober there is chance for change.

MB

Soberish

Good words Mountainmanbob.

I guess I'm just feeling really really bad today and don't know how to fix it. I just called my girlfriend and apologized, I guess its a start

Fly N Buy

Emotional hangovers can be similarly difficult as those from alcohol. If I focus on doing the next thing right or the next right thing, I put myself more on solid ground. As we get sober we start to become sensitive to our shortcomings and have to work on those. But, give yourself a break - it takes time.

Don't drink, do the next right thing and keep posting!

Soberish

I haven't been able to focus on the next right thing very well lately but I try. I went for a run right now to calm myself, it has worked for the time being.

Today is my first serious craving I have had. I was so tempted to just go to the liquor store and grab a beer. I found it comforting Fly, thanks for the kind words.

Now if I could just get the chat to work.....

Berrybean

Hmmm - often I feel like that if I know I've behaved in a way that I shouldn't have. Maybe an honest and frank chat with your girlfriend may help - complete with an apology if you feel you have affected her badly, or forgiving her is you think that she has. Completely up to you of course. I notice quite a physical anxiety, followed by a depression setting in if I have caused harm or formed a resentment - the good side is that usually it's easy to resolve when I force myself past my stubbornness and reluctance to let go. Once I've become willing to accept how things are, then it soon becomes evident to me whether I need to apologise or forgive, and then move on. (As an AAer this involves resentment prayers, or asking my Higher Power to remove these feelings and help me act in accordance with my HPs will, and not mine.)

Soberish

I spoke with her earlier and she wasn't upset at all. She said she knows I have been very stressed and just left me alone to sort things out (as I had sort of implied). I apologized and explained that I really didn't want it to escalate the way it did, and that I was just feeling bad that particular day and wanted some space. I told her I didn't want to burden her with my feelings because she was going to be hanging out with some of her friends, but when she took it the wrong way I just kind of blew up and sent it in a bad direction.

I'm glad I called her and just put my stubborn ways aside. She gave me some good advice, I'm really thankful I have someone in my corner. I really need to ease up on her in the future. Letting my frustrations get directed her way is not right at all. It sort of makes me feel pathetic.

SereneEdition

Sounds like you took a smart action to move beyond your stubborn tendency.

Not sure where you are in your recovery, but I felt pretty raw at times during the first 6 months. Learning to recognize that you need some down time and how to ask for it all sound like recovery progress to me.

FreeOwl

Sometimes the best fix is to stop trying to fix it.

We spend a lot of time in life trying to "feel good"... seeking to run away from that which we perceive as negative.

Sometimes what we really need the most is for our feeling to be OK.

It's OK to feel really bad today and not know how to fix it.

It's OK that sometimes you're going to be down or frustrated or anxious or upset or miss your girlfriend or be tense and short with people. Because, you're human and all of those things happen.

I agree with Dee that your awareness is a key part of coping appropriately with your feelings. Apologizing and taking ownership for your moods and actions is also a positive move.

Maybe you can just try being gentle and accepting with yourself and realize that it's OK to feel bad, and that feeling bad is part of life. Seeking to understand it versus seeking to drive it away or 'fix' it might offer you a little progress.

Ruby2

I've read through all the answers. I used to absolutely hate getting up in the morning. It was like the world was going to crush me. And that was after I'd been sober a while. I'm still not a super morning fan but it's getting better. I think it helped me to start practicing gratitude before bed at night but also knowing that the feeling passes as the day goes on. I just accept that I'm low in the morning. Once I accepted that, it started getting better.

I like what fly n by said about emotional hangovers. I get those if I've been really angry over something. They do happen. Just hsng in there and don't drink.