husband can't stop drinking
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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husband can't stop drinking
My husband of 16 years cannot seem to put down the drink. He's a great father and provider. I don't mind him drinking beer but get very upset when he turns to stronger 100 proof spirits. The whiskey turns him into someone I don't know. He's been to rehabs 3 times. He was forced due to the court system. A doctor at the rehab told him that he self medicates. I notice wild mood changes in him. Our 15 year old was just caught bringing alcohol to school. He is thinking about going back to rehab. is it possible for him to sober up the 4th time in?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 7
It's possible, but from my experience, the more times you go to rehab, the more you look at rehab as the final step to recovery. Sobriety is the only way, and that is so much more than rehab. It's a choice... Every minute of every day. I wish him and you the best, but make sure he knows that if he wants more success than he has had in the past, he has to do more than he has ever done. For you, I recommend Al-anon, so you have the support and resources available to you to know when he is really a serious. And if not, so you can take care of you!!! Wishing you and him all the luck and strength: there's always hope!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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angrywife.....I am very empathetic that you probably are feeling very overwhelmed and helpless right now to keep the ship afloat.....and, I know you are hanging on to the hope that if your husband stops drinking that it will all be "alright".....
He may or may stop drinking...and get sober after that.....or, he may not....ther is no way to tell....
I want to say to you---as gently as I can---that, as I see it, from the information that you give---that your son is the most vulnerable one in the family, right now.
If he was caught taking alcohol to school....he is already in a crisis in his life.
And, the window of time to save him is not very big....owing to his age...
As a mother....I would urge you to put every ounce of energy and resource that you can possibly find to focus on yourself and guiding your son from the path that he is on.....
You are going to need help for the both of you....your son and yourself (you have to out on your own oxygen mask, first).
Alanon for you and individual counseling, in addition.
I strongly urge you to see a professional adolescent psychologist or someone who works exclusively with adolesents to guide you in how to redirect your son's life.
I have thrown a lot at you....lol....and, I hope that I haven't driven you away by being so direct. I probably wouldn't have ....if you hadn't been so honest about your son...(I am glad that you did)...
Your husband already knows, intellectually, what he needs to do and where the help is for him. He has a lot of people that will help him...
You need to reach out for help for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will stay around, here.....
There is a lot of help available, here, if you can be open to it.....
very, very sincerely,
dandylion
He may or may stop drinking...and get sober after that.....or, he may not....ther is no way to tell....
I want to say to you---as gently as I can---that, as I see it, from the information that you give---that your son is the most vulnerable one in the family, right now.
If he was caught taking alcohol to school....he is already in a crisis in his life.
And, the window of time to save him is not very big....owing to his age...
As a mother....I would urge you to put every ounce of energy and resource that you can possibly find to focus on yourself and guiding your son from the path that he is on.....
You are going to need help for the both of you....your son and yourself (you have to out on your own oxygen mask, first).
Alanon for you and individual counseling, in addition.
I strongly urge you to see a professional adolescent psychologist or someone who works exclusively with adolesents to guide you in how to redirect your son's life.
I have thrown a lot at you....lol....and, I hope that I haven't driven you away by being so direct. I probably wouldn't have ....if you hadn't been so honest about your son...(I am glad that you did)...
Your husband already knows, intellectually, what he needs to do and where the help is for him. He has a lot of people that will help him...
You need to reach out for help for yourself and your child.....
I hope that you will stay around, here.....
There is a lot of help available, here, if you can be open to it.....
very, very sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Not trying to be harsh but might I kindly point out thst if your 15 year old was just caught bringing alcohol to school maybe your hubby is not exactly a good parebt....definitely not a good influence-as evidenced by your child's choices already as a teenager. He can always stop-but rehab is just the beginning-of a life long process-day by day. He will stop if and when he chooses. My ex went to rehab and also detox another time....hasn't stopped him yet. He met many others that were in rehab many many times-I guess they had not gotten enough or hit their bottom yet.
Your child needs a good role model or it sounds like the cycle may be repeated. We do what we know.
Your husband knows there is help should he choose to reach out...your son is the one that NEEDS help. Please reach out and get him some help.
Your child needs a good role model or it sounds like the cycle may be repeated. We do what we know.
Your husband knows there is help should he choose to reach out...your son is the one that NEEDS help. Please reach out and get him some help.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 54
The school administration is making a bigger deal of it then I think is necessary. I believe most teens experiment and I'm just glad it wasn't pot or bath salts. My husband seems to use rehab and AA as a chance to hide out and lay low from his numerous consequences.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
AW- There is always hope, everyone here hopes for the Miracle!!
I agree with Dandy and Fog, you need to take care of your 15 year old. If he is bringing it to school then he is drinking outside of school. He does not have very good DNA and the younger the kids start drinking the harder it is for him.
I would put all of your energy into your son. He needs to be educated in regards of this horrible disease. I agree with an addiction therapist and alanon meetings immediately. Your husband has done enough damage to your family, take charge and don't let this horrible disease ruin another generation!!
Please, what ever you do, don't blow it off as a stupid kid thing. It is not when you have an addict in the family. It is something to take very seriously with the family history.
Hugs my friend, this is help and hope for you!!
I agree with Dandy and Fog, you need to take care of your 15 year old. If he is bringing it to school then he is drinking outside of school. He does not have very good DNA and the younger the kids start drinking the harder it is for him.
I would put all of your energy into your son. He needs to be educated in regards of this horrible disease. I agree with an addiction therapist and alanon meetings immediately. Your husband has done enough damage to your family, take charge and don't let this horrible disease ruin another generation!!
Please, what ever you do, don't blow it off as a stupid kid thing. It is not when you have an addict in the family. It is something to take very seriously with the family history.
Hugs my friend, this is help and hope for you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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angrywife.....I agree with you that it could have been "worse"......but, here is the thing----these days, it is all around them....trust me---they are not going to tell you what is going on in their world.
They may partake because of their friends and peer pressure....and, yes, kids will experiment because they are young and their brains are not yet mature enough to make adult choices and forsee the consqeuences in the future.
The problem is they find out, at an early age that substances (any substances)give them a good feeling and that they can be used to manage their emotions of life......right there the seed is planted! They are too young to understand this....and they need the adults I n their lives to keep them from harm......
any substance primes the teenaged brain for addiction.....and does a lot of damage to the growing and developing brain.....
This is why I say to see an adolescent psychologist or teen worker....because there are so many interventions, if done now....can literally change the course of his life.....(we could talk about that all day.....kids at this age need activities and passions to be engaged in....they crave that at this age...)......
The issues with the administration are really the least of you problems, right now.....but, at least it came to your attention.....
Maybe you could take him to alateen when you go to alanon.....(it is a thought).
Please don't think I am trying to be critical....I am here as a mother, who has had experience with this stuff to whisper in your ear......honest....
dandylion
They may partake because of their friends and peer pressure....and, yes, kids will experiment because they are young and their brains are not yet mature enough to make adult choices and forsee the consqeuences in the future.
The problem is they find out, at an early age that substances (any substances)give them a good feeling and that they can be used to manage their emotions of life......right there the seed is planted! They are too young to understand this....and they need the adults I n their lives to keep them from harm......
any substance primes the teenaged brain for addiction.....and does a lot of damage to the growing and developing brain.....
This is why I say to see an adolescent psychologist or teen worker....because there are so many interventions, if done now....can literally change the course of his life.....(we could talk about that all day.....kids at this age need activities and passions to be engaged in....they crave that at this age...)......
The issues with the administration are really the least of you problems, right now.....but, at least it came to your attention.....
Maybe you could take him to alateen when you go to alanon.....(it is a thought).
Please don't think I am trying to be critical....I am here as a mother, who has had experience with this stuff to whisper in your ear......honest....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 54
dandy, my hubby does most of the discipline of the kids. I have been to the family program in his rehab and attended a few Ala-anon meetings. I found they weren't for me and found some support in my church.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
People sober up in rehab. They kind of have to. But it's the beginning of recovery, not the solution.
Rehab provides a person a great foundation for a new, sober life. They provide an atmosphere where it is necessary to stay sober while in rehab. They provide structure and discipline (how much depends on the type of facility, of course). They provide tools to begin recovery. They provide some great stepping stones to a life of sobriety.
That foundation has to be build upon by the alcoholic, though, and that structure is going to be as sound as the effort the alcoholic puts into it. One is not recovered once they check out. They really just begin when they check out. If a person is serious about recovery, that process extends far beyond a rehab stay.
If the first 3 rehab stints were forced, and your husband is actually considering going back on his own, perhaps he'll take it more seriously. Not saying that he wasn't previously, but when a person is forced into treatment, they sometimes just go through the motions. If he's deciding on his own this time, and really commits to following the steps they give him, he may have a good chance.
Knowing that, though, you've got a responsibility for yourself and your son to start working on your own recoveries (notice the plural, because you both need to recover from this) and take care of yourselves. You want to take this alcohol issue with your son as seriously as the school administration. As stated above, addiction of any kind can be firmly implanted during the years that the brain is still developed. Aside from that, children learn a lot of life skills from their parents directly. If you son sees that his father faces all of his own life problem by consuming alcohol, it isn't a stretch to see him fall into that same habit.
Or maybe he's just being a kid and experimenting (although I think bringing alcohol to school is a bit extreme for a 15 year old).
Either way, al anon or alateen would be good for him to learn more about his father's disease and cope with it in a positive way himself. He needs this support just as much as you do.
Hope for the best for your husband. Choosing a start of a recovery process is always a good thing. However, you don't have to postpone your own and your son's recovery. You all need healing.
Rehab provides a person a great foundation for a new, sober life. They provide an atmosphere where it is necessary to stay sober while in rehab. They provide structure and discipline (how much depends on the type of facility, of course). They provide tools to begin recovery. They provide some great stepping stones to a life of sobriety.
That foundation has to be build upon by the alcoholic, though, and that structure is going to be as sound as the effort the alcoholic puts into it. One is not recovered once they check out. They really just begin when they check out. If a person is serious about recovery, that process extends far beyond a rehab stay.
If the first 3 rehab stints were forced, and your husband is actually considering going back on his own, perhaps he'll take it more seriously. Not saying that he wasn't previously, but when a person is forced into treatment, they sometimes just go through the motions. If he's deciding on his own this time, and really commits to following the steps they give him, he may have a good chance.
Knowing that, though, you've got a responsibility for yourself and your son to start working on your own recoveries (notice the plural, because you both need to recover from this) and take care of yourselves. You want to take this alcohol issue with your son as seriously as the school administration. As stated above, addiction of any kind can be firmly implanted during the years that the brain is still developed. Aside from that, children learn a lot of life skills from their parents directly. If you son sees that his father faces all of his own life problem by consuming alcohol, it isn't a stretch to see him fall into that same habit.
Or maybe he's just being a kid and experimenting (although I think bringing alcohol to school is a bit extreme for a 15 year old).
Either way, al anon or alateen would be good for him to learn more about his father's disease and cope with it in a positive way himself. He needs this support just as much as you do.
Hope for the best for your husband. Choosing a start of a recovery process is always a good thing. However, you don't have to postpone your own and your son's recovery. You all need healing.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Hello,
My H was an active high functioning alcoholic for most of our marriage. Beer drinker but got evil with the hard stuff. He got sober 30 months ago with a stint in rehab. Our son has experienced a drunk father for more years than he has had a sober one.
I suspect your H cannot accept the likelihood he cannot moderate. Even you state you are OK with his beer drinking. But you should be wise to the cycle now - beer leads to the hard stuff?
I somewhat question too your focus on one past doctor mentioning his drinking was self-medicating. Three rehabs and no one has worked out a dual diagnosis yet? I wonder if a really good addictions counselor/psychiatrist is the way to go. Let them unravel whether there is a dual diagnosis. Let them work with your H and figure out if a 4th rehab is worth the time and money.
And as for your son experimenting, I am concerned for you. I've been teaching my son since he was in the 4th grade that he might be genetically predisposed to getting addicted. For children of addicts, experimenting could lead straight to addiction. Every year your kid's brain manages to avoid getting high before it matures is a bonus. Mine's in high school now. Same age as your son. drinking AT school is a huge red flag at 15. It is not normal behavior and should Not be dismissed bc it's not bath salts or oxy or heroin. Your school admins know the stats on addiction and kids. There's a reason they are being severe. Please read up on addiction and get wise to how it can ensnare your kids.
My H was an active high functioning alcoholic for most of our marriage. Beer drinker but got evil with the hard stuff. He got sober 30 months ago with a stint in rehab. Our son has experienced a drunk father for more years than he has had a sober one.
I suspect your H cannot accept the likelihood he cannot moderate. Even you state you are OK with his beer drinking. But you should be wise to the cycle now - beer leads to the hard stuff?
I somewhat question too your focus on one past doctor mentioning his drinking was self-medicating. Three rehabs and no one has worked out a dual diagnosis yet? I wonder if a really good addictions counselor/psychiatrist is the way to go. Let them unravel whether there is a dual diagnosis. Let them work with your H and figure out if a 4th rehab is worth the time and money.
And as for your son experimenting, I am concerned for you. I've been teaching my son since he was in the 4th grade that he might be genetically predisposed to getting addicted. For children of addicts, experimenting could lead straight to addiction. Every year your kid's brain manages to avoid getting high before it matures is a bonus. Mine's in high school now. Same age as your son. drinking AT school is a huge red flag at 15. It is not normal behavior and should Not be dismissed bc it's not bath salts or oxy or heroin. Your school admins know the stats on addiction and kids. There's a reason they are being severe. Please read up on addiction and get wise to how it can ensnare your kids.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by angrywife232310 
The school administration is making a bigger deal of it then I think is necessary. I believe most teens experiment and I'm just glad it wasn't pot or bath salts. My husband seems to use rehab and AA as a chance to hide out and lay low from his numerous consequences.
Experimentation is where it all starts.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
a 2013 interview with gregg allman, 19 years sober at the time, he said, " i went to rehab 11 times, but not 12. because i got serious about sobriety."
have ya happened to look at when yer hubbys drinking career started?
theres quite a few alcoholics/addicts out there and on here that started in high school.
me included.
have ya happened to look at when yer hubbys drinking career started?
theres quite a few alcoholics/addicts out there and on here that started in high school.
me included.
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Location: South Jersey
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Ditto on the concern about the kiddo. Yes, teens experiment. Those who are "experimenting" don't take it to school. It indicates he is drinking during the day and possibly already physically dependent on it. The school is rightly making a big deal out of it. I'd be less alarmed if he sneaked it into a party at school or was drinking in the parking lot during a game or dance. Still needs to be addressed, obviously, but not the bells and alarms going off the way they do when it's being brought to school during the day.
As for your husband, it does take some people a few tries to get sober and stay that way. So much depends on their personal motivation to succeed and on how much work they are willing to do AFTER rehab.
As for your husband, it does take some people a few tries to get sober and stay that way. So much depends on their personal motivation to succeed and on how much work they are willing to do AFTER rehab.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning Ladies,
Sorry Angry but I agree with Red & Lexie on this one. It IS a big deal. So much so that if it was my teenager pulling these shenanigans I would slap the cr@p out of him!! I wouldn't really care what his excuses were. This one is black or white, no in between! But that's just me...
With that being said, please get some help for your son before it spirals. Yes, all teens experiment, God knows I did too but that behavior is inexcusable. Children live what they learn and your husband is not setting a very good example of a father. It's time to think about YOU!
I wish you the best. (( hugs )).
Sorry Angry but I agree with Red & Lexie on this one. It IS a big deal. So much so that if it was my teenager pulling these shenanigans I would slap the cr@p out of him!! I wouldn't really care what his excuses were. This one is black or white, no in between! But that's just me...
With that being said, please get some help for your son before it spirals. Yes, all teens experiment, God knows I did too but that behavior is inexcusable. Children live what they learn and your husband is not setting a very good example of a father. It's time to think about YOU!
I wish you the best. (( hugs )).
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
My son, now 36 years old, recently almost died from alcohol poisoning. He has entered rehab and I recently learned he began drinking at 15. I had no idea. That later lead to pot, meth, and who knows what else, but alcohol was his drug of choice. I wish I had known when he started drinking, maybe I could have gotten him more help. I also had told him from a young age of his genetic chances of having problems with these substances but it didn't stop him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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My husband of 16 years cannot seem to put down the drink.
my hubby does most of the discipline of the kids
Our 15 year old was just caught bringing alcohol to school
surely you can see the CONNECTION here? the man who can't stop drinking, who turns into a wild thing when he drinks, is the one responsible for disciplining the children and now the 15 year old who has grown up in this environment is taking BOOZE TO SCHOOL.
how do you think alcoholism gets started? taking booze to school is a HUGE red flag - your child needs all the attention now. he is following in daddy's footsteps...while dad says Do as I SAY, not as I do.
my hubby does most of the discipline of the kids
Our 15 year old was just caught bringing alcohol to school
surely you can see the CONNECTION here? the man who can't stop drinking, who turns into a wild thing when he drinks, is the one responsible for disciplining the children and now the 15 year old who has grown up in this environment is taking BOOZE TO SCHOOL.
how do you think alcoholism gets started? taking booze to school is a HUGE red flag - your child needs all the attention now. he is following in daddy's footsteps...while dad says Do as I SAY, not as I do.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Please seek help for your son. My dad was a "high functioning addict" and my brother is unfortunately a low functioning addict. He started with pot in early high school and easily transitioned to pills. Research has shown there is a strong same sex parent child component to addiction. Sons mimic their fathers...daughters their mothers. It's early and he can be helped. He's also probably medicating the stress of his father's addiction. Children of addicts deal with anxiety and depression at high rates but we learn to hide our feelings to reduce conflict in the family. I strongly suggest alanon for you and counseling for him. Trust me that children know and struggle more than you think.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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My parents were both alcoholics, and when I started drinking in my teens, they didn't offer much guidance. They really couldn't--they didn't have a leg to stand on! My mother fussed about it one time when she caught me so drunk I was vomiting, but it was her vodka I'd been drinking. I really wish they had offered some guidance. I wish that one of them had gotten sober and sent me to alanon when I was young, before my own drinking started. I became a full-blown alcoholic in my 20s and only by the grace of my HP got sober eventually. I thought I was just a normal teenager doing what teenagers do. No one taught me any differently.
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Hubby came in drunk tonight. I took the kids out to eat so we didn't have to put up with it. He believes because he works a hard job then he has the right to drink. He forgets that drinking has resulted in being incarcerated several times.
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