sorting out my thoughts
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
sorting out my thoughts
I have not yet filed for divorce papers. I feel like it is a matter of time, but I am not ready to yet.
My house is secure. He does not have a key. He does not have access to my bank account either so my finances are secure. I turned off his cell phone 3 days ago, but his mom bought him a new one.
I last heard from him on Sunday. His email was short and to the point. He said I could either donate, throw away, or drop off the rest of his things at my leisure. He also was sure to tell me he was off parole now and was meeting with his probation officer on monday. Good for him I guess. I wonder why it was so important for him to point that out. I hadn't asked at all.
I think in my mind that surely he must have relapsed somehow, but maybe he is doing all he can to stay sober and work on him... I really don't know... But Im finding that hard to believe. I am trying not to care, but I do. Either way... What a jerk! Especially to just turn on me at the drop of a hat.
His friends and their wives are very supportive of me in this time. He has not contacted any of them either. They are sad the same as I am, and wonder if he has "gone back out" as well
I expected this. I really did. I have to admit though that in the past he has always admitted to relapse before, and this would be the first time that he has not. Its common for addicts to lie about being clean though.
I really don't know what to do. I go to work. I care for the kids. I go to meetings and to church. I am functioning, but at night I have nightmares about him. Im hoping they will fade in time.
I feel like I can totally understand and respect if the disease has taken over... But I cant get over or let go if he has left clean. His manipulation has twisted my brain. This is where J, his best friend comes in and says that he was surely dry drunk at the least. His behavior was unacceptable regardless of his use or lack of use. He was looking for an enabler for his behaviors, and we all refused. So AH went back to the place he could fall and land softly.
It was time for him to pay rent and my dad said he couldnt be out till all hours of the night "at his friends house". He didnt want to do that so he went to his moms. It was time for him to pay his phone. He didnt want to so he had his mom buy him a new one. His friends said he needed to be on time for music practice or they would bench him. He quit the band. He stood up my kids for a visit and I wouldnt let him make it up, so he wont see them anymore.
Whatever he is... He isnt healthy. He will be back someday... Maybe... Or he will be 35 still clinging to his mothers apron strings. "As long as he stays out of prison" she says. Oh how I wish she could see that recovery is soooo much more than that. Oh well. There are only 3 outcomes if what my eyes are seeing is true.... Jail, institution, or death. Either way... Im sure I will find out in due time which one it will be.
My house is secure. He does not have a key. He does not have access to my bank account either so my finances are secure. I turned off his cell phone 3 days ago, but his mom bought him a new one.
I last heard from him on Sunday. His email was short and to the point. He said I could either donate, throw away, or drop off the rest of his things at my leisure. He also was sure to tell me he was off parole now and was meeting with his probation officer on monday. Good for him I guess. I wonder why it was so important for him to point that out. I hadn't asked at all.
I think in my mind that surely he must have relapsed somehow, but maybe he is doing all he can to stay sober and work on him... I really don't know... But Im finding that hard to believe. I am trying not to care, but I do. Either way... What a jerk! Especially to just turn on me at the drop of a hat.
His friends and their wives are very supportive of me in this time. He has not contacted any of them either. They are sad the same as I am, and wonder if he has "gone back out" as well
I expected this. I really did. I have to admit though that in the past he has always admitted to relapse before, and this would be the first time that he has not. Its common for addicts to lie about being clean though.
I really don't know what to do. I go to work. I care for the kids. I go to meetings and to church. I am functioning, but at night I have nightmares about him. Im hoping they will fade in time.
I feel like I can totally understand and respect if the disease has taken over... But I cant get over or let go if he has left clean. His manipulation has twisted my brain. This is where J, his best friend comes in and says that he was surely dry drunk at the least. His behavior was unacceptable regardless of his use or lack of use. He was looking for an enabler for his behaviors, and we all refused. So AH went back to the place he could fall and land softly.
It was time for him to pay rent and my dad said he couldnt be out till all hours of the night "at his friends house". He didnt want to do that so he went to his moms. It was time for him to pay his phone. He didnt want to so he had his mom buy him a new one. His friends said he needed to be on time for music practice or they would bench him. He quit the band. He stood up my kids for a visit and I wouldnt let him make it up, so he wont see them anymore.
Whatever he is... He isnt healthy. He will be back someday... Maybe... Or he will be 35 still clinging to his mothers apron strings. "As long as he stays out of prison" she says. Oh how I wish she could see that recovery is soooo much more than that. Oh well. There are only 3 outcomes if what my eyes are seeing is true.... Jail, institution, or death. Either way... Im sure I will find out in due time which one it will be.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Lily,
I would sign the papers or at least get legally separated. If he is indeed out there again, he can rack up financial damage that you too could be responsible for.
And, I know you love your movies, books, stories and fairytales, and if he is your "soul mate", "twin flame", or "white knight", you can always remarry at a later time. But for now, I think I would be in protection mode.
I would sign the papers or at least get legally separated. If he is indeed out there again, he can rack up financial damage that you too could be responsible for.
And, I know you love your movies, books, stories and fairytales, and if he is your "soul mate", "twin flame", or "white knight", you can always remarry at a later time. But for now, I think I would be in protection mode.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Lily,
I won't tell you what to do, but I think we all get to the point of knowing what we should do. I'm so sorry for your situation, my heart goes out to you and your children. Have you thought of taking up a hobby? It sounds like you've got a full plate, but perhaps you could use an enjoyable past-time.
When I first came to alanon, (and these boards) I was really turned off by people telling me that my ability to question whether or not my AXBF was using was "none of my business." But, now I understand that it's not. At the end of the day, his behavior, sober or high, was unacceptable. Someone on these boards said to me "take away the drugs, is this behavior someone you want to be with?" It was easy for me to answer that-no.
Be gentle with yourself, although so many of us have walked this walk, it is not easy and despite the millions of redundant/similar/heartbreaking stories on these forums...it's our journey and it's not any less painful because it's been experienced elsewhere.
Please take care of yourself. Your children deserve to have a parent who is healthy.
Hugs.
I won't tell you what to do, but I think we all get to the point of knowing what we should do. I'm so sorry for your situation, my heart goes out to you and your children. Have you thought of taking up a hobby? It sounds like you've got a full plate, but perhaps you could use an enjoyable past-time.
When I first came to alanon, (and these boards) I was really turned off by people telling me that my ability to question whether or not my AXBF was using was "none of my business." But, now I understand that it's not. At the end of the day, his behavior, sober or high, was unacceptable. Someone on these boards said to me "take away the drugs, is this behavior someone you want to be with?" It was easy for me to answer that-no.
Be gentle with yourself, although so many of us have walked this walk, it is not easy and despite the millions of redundant/similar/heartbreaking stories on these forums...it's our journey and it's not any less painful because it's been experienced elsewhere.
Please take care of yourself. Your children deserve to have a parent who is healthy.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I think that protection mode is wise, and to sign for a separation would be best.
What of he did come back? What would I do? Oh goodness I am not sure. I can forgive him for myself, but why in the world would I let him in again? He is gone. He functions so well in institutions, but out here!? He falls apart every damn time. Rehab #1 stayed out a month. Relapse. Rehab #2 stayed out a month. Relapse. He was clean in prison almost 2 years stayed out 2 months... And well... Whatever this is. All of the symptoms are there. All of them. I do not know the answers. But I learned a long time ago to trust my gut feeling.
Yes. Whether or not he is using is none of my business. I see that. There is nothing I can do to change his behavior.
I give up. At least I know I tried. I made it out alive. How many addicts can say that!? About 1 out of every 5. I am a sucess story. I know my worth. I am a walking miracle.
I hope and pray for his happiness. My emotions are all over the place. I am glad he cut the rope some of the time. I am sad that he is gone some of the time. Today I just cried and cried. The old me would be out searching the streets for him. Not anymore.
I do love my stories cynical one. Lord of the Rings has an excellent poem:
"All that is gold does not glitter
Not all who wander are lost
The old that is strong does not wither
Deep roots are not reached by the frost"
In the program we talk about roots a lot. Some have hearts of shallow soil. The seed of recovery grows up quickly and beautifully but there is no way for the roots to grow deep and anchor them down. They bloom for a season and fade away. That is what AH is. That is not what I want to be.
This is so hard. It really is. This is not the type of man that God would want for me. God would want a man who is loving and kind, attentive and honest.
I get so frustrated when people call addiction a "disease" maybe you could call it a "mental disorder" if you want. I was devastated when he left. I picked up my phone and made a choice. I could have gone out and numbed the pain. But I didn't this time. This is about choices. I am powerless over his choices. Yes. I am NOT powerless over mine.
What of he did come back? What would I do? Oh goodness I am not sure. I can forgive him for myself, but why in the world would I let him in again? He is gone. He functions so well in institutions, but out here!? He falls apart every damn time. Rehab #1 stayed out a month. Relapse. Rehab #2 stayed out a month. Relapse. He was clean in prison almost 2 years stayed out 2 months... And well... Whatever this is. All of the symptoms are there. All of them. I do not know the answers. But I learned a long time ago to trust my gut feeling.
Yes. Whether or not he is using is none of my business. I see that. There is nothing I can do to change his behavior.
I give up. At least I know I tried. I made it out alive. How many addicts can say that!? About 1 out of every 5. I am a sucess story. I know my worth. I am a walking miracle.
I hope and pray for his happiness. My emotions are all over the place. I am glad he cut the rope some of the time. I am sad that he is gone some of the time. Today I just cried and cried. The old me would be out searching the streets for him. Not anymore.
I do love my stories cynical one. Lord of the Rings has an excellent poem:
"All that is gold does not glitter
Not all who wander are lost
The old that is strong does not wither
Deep roots are not reached by the frost"
In the program we talk about roots a lot. Some have hearts of shallow soil. The seed of recovery grows up quickly and beautifully but there is no way for the roots to grow deep and anchor them down. They bloom for a season and fade away. That is what AH is. That is not what I want to be.
This is so hard. It really is. This is not the type of man that God would want for me. God would want a man who is loving and kind, attentive and honest.
I get so frustrated when people call addiction a "disease" maybe you could call it a "mental disorder" if you want. I was devastated when he left. I picked up my phone and made a choice. I could have gone out and numbed the pain. But I didn't this time. This is about choices. I am powerless over his choices. Yes. I am NOT powerless over mine.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Come back and reread this thread when you doubt yourself, Lily. Good advice here. You can do this. Think more of yourself than of the relationship. Think more of your future, your child's, and beyond. You are doing great. Congratulations on your recovery. Keep the faith, sister!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you waited patiently and with hope while he was locked up. and during that time you battled your own demons and got yourself sorted out. you gave time time.......and you waited to watch his ACTIONS once he was released.
i am SO dang sorry that he didn't get that wake up call and seize the good clean life and work hard to be what you and the kids so richly deserve.
so be it. YOU are going to be ok, no matter what. you quit relying upon him a long time ago.
i am SO dang sorry that he didn't get that wake up call and seize the good clean life and work hard to be what you and the kids so richly deserve.
so be it. YOU are going to be ok, no matter what. you quit relying upon him a long time ago.
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