Sister of an addict.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Sister of an addict.
Hi,
I have been reading these forums for a pretty long time but this is my first post. I'm a high school sophomore and the sister of an addict.
My older sister started using drugs about a little over a year ago. It took her like 3 months to switch to heroin, meth and basically anything she could get her hands on. In the past year and a bit, she's been:
1. Fighting with everyone, constantly, and being as nasty as she can be unless she gets what she wants;
2. Stealing from me and my mother to pay for her drugs, as well as for kids at school;
3. Sneaking out and coming home totally wasted - she's sometimes gone for 2-3 days, driving my mother insane;
4. Sent to a wilderness program and a private rehab, all of which paid by loans my mother can't pay back - and then picking up right where she left off when she got back;
5. Drove a car while she was high (and without a license), crashing it, and then leaving my mom stuck with the $20k bill;
6. Arrested twice, currently on probation.
The reason I'm writing now is because I see sometimes these posts about parents who don't want to kick their addicted kids out of the house. If you have other children... please, kick the addict out for their sake. My sister is destroying our family and I'm certain she's not the only addict who does that. There is no trust between us anymore. I hate her so much and I'm happy we have no shared genetics (I'm adopted). I also hate my mother for enabling her. My mother is constantly convinced that she can force my sister to quit. I don't have any money for college now because my mother is spending everything we've got on my sister who definitely doesn't deserve it.... the wilderness program, private rehab, court fees, private detective fees to figure out where she was when she ran away, the car bill. And now she talks about sending her to some other program as if that's going to work.
In a place where everything revolves around the addict there is no room for anyone or anything else. I try to stay outside as much as I can and come home only at night. I try to sleep over at my friends' as much as possible. When I am home, I just stay in my room with the door locked because she sometimes barges in and starts fights or just steals stuff. The only thing my mom talks about is her. She always goes "when S gets clean" and I always yell back at her that S doesn't want to get clean, and nothing's going to work until she wants it to. She's made herself absolutely worthless. Once I'm out of here, I don't plan on coming back.
Don't let them destroy your family. Kick them out before it happens. They'll manage out there, but you and your family will suffer while they're around.
I have been reading these forums for a pretty long time but this is my first post. I'm a high school sophomore and the sister of an addict.
My older sister started using drugs about a little over a year ago. It took her like 3 months to switch to heroin, meth and basically anything she could get her hands on. In the past year and a bit, she's been:
1. Fighting with everyone, constantly, and being as nasty as she can be unless she gets what she wants;
2. Stealing from me and my mother to pay for her drugs, as well as for kids at school;
3. Sneaking out and coming home totally wasted - she's sometimes gone for 2-3 days, driving my mother insane;
4. Sent to a wilderness program and a private rehab, all of which paid by loans my mother can't pay back - and then picking up right where she left off when she got back;
5. Drove a car while she was high (and without a license), crashing it, and then leaving my mom stuck with the $20k bill;
6. Arrested twice, currently on probation.
The reason I'm writing now is because I see sometimes these posts about parents who don't want to kick their addicted kids out of the house. If you have other children... please, kick the addict out for their sake. My sister is destroying our family and I'm certain she's not the only addict who does that. There is no trust between us anymore. I hate her so much and I'm happy we have no shared genetics (I'm adopted). I also hate my mother for enabling her. My mother is constantly convinced that she can force my sister to quit. I don't have any money for college now because my mother is spending everything we've got on my sister who definitely doesn't deserve it.... the wilderness program, private rehab, court fees, private detective fees to figure out where she was when she ran away, the car bill. And now she talks about sending her to some other program as if that's going to work.
In a place where everything revolves around the addict there is no room for anyone or anything else. I try to stay outside as much as I can and come home only at night. I try to sleep over at my friends' as much as possible. When I am home, I just stay in my room with the door locked because she sometimes barges in and starts fights or just steals stuff. The only thing my mom talks about is her. She always goes "when S gets clean" and I always yell back at her that S doesn't want to get clean, and nothing's going to work until she wants it to. She's made herself absolutely worthless. Once I'm out of here, I don't plan on coming back.
Don't let them destroy your family. Kick them out before it happens. They'll manage out there, but you and your family will suffer while they're around.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
So sorry to hear all of this Princess. You seem like a very intelligent, young woman. It's really good to hear some perspective from a sibling. Thanks for sharing. I hope you continue to post and find a safe place at these forums.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Princess, you are one smart young lady and you have it figured out. I am certain no matter what the financial situation, you have a bright future ahead of you. What you're going through is utterly unfair. I can't defend you mom,but I have been in her shoes with an alcoholic child and it's taken me several years to get to a relatively good place.
Your mom feels that it is her duty to pour whatever resources she can into saving her child. It is a maternal instinct that in a perfect world would work without a hitch. Unfortunately, with addiction all bets are off. She is classically codependent and will need to stop feeling she can control the situation for any of you to have peace. She can do this with the help of Nar Anon or Al Anon, which are free. She should also be in counseling for her codependency.
As far as your sister, she is obviously not ready to commit to sobriety. There isn't a thing you can do to influence her. You need to survive this and to feel safe in your home. You may also benefit from NarAnon. If you can talk to a school counselor they may have some great resources for you also.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please keep us posted and please take care of yourself. You may need to start looking into scholarships so keep your grades up, stay involved in extracurriculars, and keep your eyes on your future. You are only a couple years from independence the work will be worth it. Hang in there, sweetie.
Your mom feels that it is her duty to pour whatever resources she can into saving her child. It is a maternal instinct that in a perfect world would work without a hitch. Unfortunately, with addiction all bets are off. She is classically codependent and will need to stop feeling she can control the situation for any of you to have peace. She can do this with the help of Nar Anon or Al Anon, which are free. She should also be in counseling for her codependency.
As far as your sister, she is obviously not ready to commit to sobriety. There isn't a thing you can do to influence her. You need to survive this and to feel safe in your home. You may also benefit from NarAnon. If you can talk to a school counselor they may have some great resources for you also.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please keep us posted and please take care of yourself. You may need to start looking into scholarships so keep your grades up, stay involved in extracurriculars, and keep your eyes on your future. You are only a couple years from independence the work will be worth it. Hang in there, sweetie.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 4
Thank you guys so much.
I understand that my mom is driven by this maternal urge to save my sister.... but it's like I understand it logically, not emotionally if that makes any sense. I understand her but at the same time I really can't understand her.
My sister is like everything I don't want to be. She is dishonest, she has no honor or self-respect, she constantly makes excuses for herself. My mom makes excuses for her too and when I get pissed off at the situation it's always something like, "she is your sister, you have to be more compassionate" or "be kind, she's going through so much".
I don't believe in excuses. You either do or don't.
My mom went to Al-Anon a few times but now she doesn't go anymore, I'm not sure why. She's constantly on the phone with people from either the probation office, rehab programs, or whatever.
Right now my plan is to try and get scholarships, and if that doesn't work out, go to a community college (and if that doesn't work out for some reason, I will join the military). I'm going to start an early college/dual enrollment program next year so hopefully that would help.
Right now it's like I don't have a family anymore. I wanted to apply for boarding schools so I could get out of here but my mother wouldn't sign the forms, so I'll have to wait.
This is what happens when you keep an addict at home. Everything just collapses along with the addict. They're toxic.
I understand that my mom is driven by this maternal urge to save my sister.... but it's like I understand it logically, not emotionally if that makes any sense. I understand her but at the same time I really can't understand her.
My sister is like everything I don't want to be. She is dishonest, she has no honor or self-respect, she constantly makes excuses for herself. My mom makes excuses for her too and when I get pissed off at the situation it's always something like, "she is your sister, you have to be more compassionate" or "be kind, she's going through so much".
I don't believe in excuses. You either do or don't.
My mom went to Al-Anon a few times but now she doesn't go anymore, I'm not sure why. She's constantly on the phone with people from either the probation office, rehab programs, or whatever.
Right now my plan is to try and get scholarships, and if that doesn't work out, go to a community college (and if that doesn't work out for some reason, I will join the military). I'm going to start an early college/dual enrollment program next year so hopefully that would help.
Right now it's like I don't have a family anymore. I wanted to apply for boarding schools so I could get out of here but my mother wouldn't sign the forms, so I'll have to wait.
This is what happens when you keep an addict at home. Everything just collapses along with the addict. They're toxic.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I understand why you don't get it emotionally! It sucks to be the sibling of an addict in this situation. I am sorry for your troubles and so glad you found us here.
Your rage at your sister's addiction is very understandable. My only suggestion is that you try to not let it eat away at you too much. My younger daughter found a lot of great support at Alateen meetings. You are certainly mature enough to attend NarAnon or AlAnon on your own, now or sometime in the future.
It's healthy of you to consider your sanity, focus on your future, make a plan. You have watched and experienced more than needed to be able to find a different path. I hope you will post again as you need to, knowing we are here and we completely understand your situation, even if we haven't experienced your perspective as it relates to addiction. Each vantage point teaches us something, be it the parent, the sibling, the spouse or the addict.
Take care, Princess!
Your rage at your sister's addiction is very understandable. My only suggestion is that you try to not let it eat away at you too much. My younger daughter found a lot of great support at Alateen meetings. You are certainly mature enough to attend NarAnon or AlAnon on your own, now or sometime in the future.
It's healthy of you to consider your sanity, focus on your future, make a plan. You have watched and experienced more than needed to be able to find a different path. I hope you will post again as you need to, knowing we are here and we completely understand your situation, even if we haven't experienced your perspective as it relates to addiction. Each vantage point teaches us something, be it the parent, the sibling, the spouse or the addict.
Take care, Princess!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Princess,
Welcome to the forum, and very sorry that you need to be here.
"S doesn't want to get clean, and nothing's going to work until she wants it to." You have got it figured out 100%! What causes an addict to decide they want to get clean? It is different for every one and is totally unpredictable - some say they just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, others say - they have to hit bottom, but that is also different for each one. As you already know, the bottom line is, nothing will work for S until she is ready.
As to why your Mom quit going to Al-Anon.....probably the Mama Bear in her is in denial, she still thinks she can "fix" your sister, unfortunately, she cannot. The folks at Al-anon probably made her uncomfortable with steady doses of reality.
You have way too much wisdom for a high school sophmore, it is good that you now have it, but a shame that you had to learn it so early and so painfully.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Welcome to the forum, and very sorry that you need to be here.
"S doesn't want to get clean, and nothing's going to work until she wants it to." You have got it figured out 100%! What causes an addict to decide they want to get clean? It is different for every one and is totally unpredictable - some say they just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, others say - they have to hit bottom, but that is also different for each one. As you already know, the bottom line is, nothing will work for S until she is ready.
As to why your Mom quit going to Al-Anon.....probably the Mama Bear in her is in denial, she still thinks she can "fix" your sister, unfortunately, she cannot. The folks at Al-anon probably made her uncomfortable with steady doses of reality.
You have way too much wisdom for a high school sophmore, it is good that you now have it, but a shame that you had to learn it so early and so painfully.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 4
Sorry for posting constantly.... I just haven't really talked to anyone about these things and I have a lot to say unfortunately. I really want to thank you guys and I really want to try and disconnect and focus on myself some more but it's really hard.
I totally agree that my mom felt like she's getting messages she just doesn't want to hear at Al-Anon. She doesn't really want to face reality just like my sister. Like she still gives her money even though she knows what S does with it because S always tells her she needs it for her GED course (which she quit) or because her friends won't give her a ride or whatever. Like how stupid is that?
Yesterday S came home totally wasted again and picked fights again like she told me that I'm a "future baby killer" (I'm in JROTC) and my mom was all like "she doesn't really mean that, you can't hold it against her". Well yes I can.
I'm just really sick and tired of all the ******** especially because my sister takes no responsibility for her actions. You just can't do that. People have no right to just do whatever they want because they "feel like it". You can't live with like no sense of responsibility towards the people around you. When you just let people do whatever they like because it "feels good" or because they're "free individuals" you get chaos.
As far as I'm concerned she's not my sister anymore. We really have nothing in common and I want nothing to do with a person who's so stupid and destructive.
I'm really beginning to think that addicts have something wrong with their brains. It's like they can't see reality. I'm just sick and tired.
We have no Ala-teen here by the way (and in any case I don't know if I'll be able to go because I work part-time and I'm really involved with my JROTC unit and I'm on the soccer team).
I totally agree that my mom felt like she's getting messages she just doesn't want to hear at Al-Anon. She doesn't really want to face reality just like my sister. Like she still gives her money even though she knows what S does with it because S always tells her she needs it for her GED course (which she quit) or because her friends won't give her a ride or whatever. Like how stupid is that?
Yesterday S came home totally wasted again and picked fights again like she told me that I'm a "future baby killer" (I'm in JROTC) and my mom was all like "she doesn't really mean that, you can't hold it against her". Well yes I can.
I'm just really sick and tired of all the ******** especially because my sister takes no responsibility for her actions. You just can't do that. People have no right to just do whatever they want because they "feel like it". You can't live with like no sense of responsibility towards the people around you. When you just let people do whatever they like because it "feels good" or because they're "free individuals" you get chaos.
As far as I'm concerned she's not my sister anymore. We really have nothing in common and I want nothing to do with a person who's so stupid and destructive.
I'm really beginning to think that addicts have something wrong with their brains. It's like they can't see reality. I'm just sick and tired.
We have no Ala-teen here by the way (and in any case I don't know if I'll be able to go because I work part-time and I'm really involved with my JROTC unit and I'm on the soccer team).
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Princess,
How are you today?
"We have no Ala-teen here by the way..." - you have more maturity and understanding than some of the adults in my Nar-Anon group - any meetings available? We have had some young people come to our meeting and no one objected, after all you are facing many of the the same issues as the adults - maybe you could take your Mom.......
" I'm really beginning to think that addicts have something wrong with their brains." ......and you would be correct, their brain has been rewired to focus like a laser on just one thing - chasing the next high. It will continue to stay focused on that single purpose until they decide they want to get clean; no amount of wilderness programs or rehabs will ever change that. When S decides she is going to get clean, she will.
Keep coming back,
Jim
How are you today?
"We have no Ala-teen here by the way..." - you have more maturity and understanding than some of the adults in my Nar-Anon group - any meetings available? We have had some young people come to our meeting and no one objected, after all you are facing many of the the same issues as the adults - maybe you could take your Mom.......
" I'm really beginning to think that addicts have something wrong with their brains." ......and you would be correct, their brain has been rewired to focus like a laser on just one thing - chasing the next high. It will continue to stay focused on that single purpose until they decide they want to get clean; no amount of wilderness programs or rehabs will ever change that. When S decides she is going to get clean, she will.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
The reason I'm writing now is because I see sometimes these posts about parents who don't want to kick their addicted kids out of the house. If you have other children... please, kick the addict out for their sake. My sister is destroying our family and I'm certain she's not the only addict who does that. There is no trust between us anymore. I hate her so much and I'm happy we have no shared genetics (I'm adopted). I also hate my mother for enabling her. My mother is constantly convinced that she can force my sister to quit. I don't have any money for college now because my mother is spending everything we've got on my sister who definitely doesn't deserve it.... the wilderness program, private rehab, court fees, private detective fees to figure out where she was when she ran away, the car bill. And now she talks about sending her to some other program as if that's going to work.
I get that you're angry. You have every reason to be angry. However, I very highly doubt that you hate your sister. What your sister has done is what a lot of people have done every day and continue to do all around the world: make extremely poor decisions, and behave in such a way that indulges their needs and desires at the expense of everything else and those around them.
By all means do what is necessary to protect yourself, because you have to. But also work on recognizing that you, your sister, your mom and everyone else share the disorder that is the human condition. Otherwise, that hate in your heart may feed back on itself and make you feel worse than you really have to.
Be safe.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I get that my mother loves my sister but she's like doing all the things she can to hurt her right now, because when she gives her money, she just lets her keep using. And when she covers up for her when she gets into trouble, she just lets her do whatever she wants. I don't get why she can't see that.
And yes, I DO hate her. Because of her I can't spend time in my own home, I can't have any friends over, I can't even study properly. She even showed up at my workplace once and asked for money and when I wouldn't give her any she started cursing at me and then she left. She's destroying my life and my mother's, too. She thinks it's all about her but it's really not it's about all the people around her too.
I made a list of all the 4-year colleges I'm going to apply to, a backup list of community colleges, and a list of interesting Army jobs yesterday.... just to give you a clue of how much I want to just get out of here.
I will look around for Alanon meetings - thanks for the offer, I didn't really think about going to the adult meetings. I hope it will be okay with them.
And yes, I DO hate her. Because of her I can't spend time in my own home, I can't have any friends over, I can't even study properly. She even showed up at my workplace once and asked for money and when I wouldn't give her any she started cursing at me and then she left. She's destroying my life and my mother's, too. She thinks it's all about her but it's really not it's about all the people around her too.
I made a list of all the 4-year colleges I'm going to apply to, a backup list of community colleges, and a list of interesting Army jobs yesterday.... just to give you a clue of how much I want to just get out of here.
I will look around for Alanon meetings - thanks for the offer, I didn't really think about going to the adult meetings. I hope it will be okay with them.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I get that my mother loves my sister but she's like doing all the things she can to hurt her right now, because when she gives her money, she just lets her keep using. And when she covers up for her when she gets into trouble, she just lets her do whatever she wants. I don't get why she can't see that.
And I'm not saying this to defend what your mother is or isn't doing. What I am saying is what she's going through is more multilayered and complex than you appreciate. When you love someone, the natural inclination is to want to help that person. Otherwise, this board and our sister boards like FFA wouldn't exist. We're all here because we love (or in my case used to love) our qualifiers.
I will leave you with one last word of caution: don't personalize what your sister is doing. What she's doing, while immensely destructive, is consistent with how someone behaves in the throes of active addiction. She's not doing what she's doing to hurt you or anyone. She's doing what she's doing because she's an addict, and this is what addicts do.
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
This isn’t personal, none of it. Your sister using, your mother’s reaction…
Your sister didn’t go out and say hey I think I will strive to be a junkie. She most likely used like all those other who take that first taste, no matter the drug … and it either fixed something or lit something up within her. (there are very few who use and walk away) From there the path will always move toward worse as long as she uses and sadly you will have no control over that.
For mothers it is tough. It is very hard to override that need to protect and save your child at any cost. The problem with addiction is that it thrives on the help from parents. The helping actually keeps the child chained to their addiction. To not help though goes against everything a parent feels.
At this point, today you will have a choice to stay in the anger and have it destroy you in time. Or to find a different path that leads to much better places...
The choice will always be yours and the answer lies in looking at your own actions and reactions to those around you and how you allow your feelings to be ran by others.
Take good care.
Your sister didn’t go out and say hey I think I will strive to be a junkie. She most likely used like all those other who take that first taste, no matter the drug … and it either fixed something or lit something up within her. (there are very few who use and walk away) From there the path will always move toward worse as long as she uses and sadly you will have no control over that.
For mothers it is tough. It is very hard to override that need to protect and save your child at any cost. The problem with addiction is that it thrives on the help from parents. The helping actually keeps the child chained to their addiction. To not help though goes against everything a parent feels.
At this point, today you will have a choice to stay in the anger and have it destroy you in time. Or to find a different path that leads to much better places...
The choice will always be yours and the answer lies in looking at your own actions and reactions to those around you and how you allow your feelings to be ran by others.
Take good care.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Man I feel for you. Sending hugs.
I like your plan, colleges and military jobs. Start looking at financial aid and what scholarships you can qualify for in your area.
Take care of yourself
I like your plan, colleges and military jobs. Start looking at financial aid and what scholarships you can qualify for in your area.
Take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I was involved with an addict. I helped and helped and nearly destroyed my own life. Being the loved one of an addict can cause distorted thinking. I am co-dependent. It is also a form of illness. A form of a different kind of addiction.
The only thing that eventually stopped me was that I was hurting HIM. I thought I could love him enough and help him enough until he wanted to help himself. Instead, he was hurting himself and I was HELPING him hurt HIMSELF. Realizing that I was just as guilty, was enough to STOP doing what I had been. I never used. I don't drink. I avoid coffee, sodas, anything with caffeine, no smoking, no gambling, etc. I didn't have any exposure to drugs or the causes of addiction, nor what happens when someone uses.
But eventually, I saw that no matter how I helped him, I was enabling him to continue to kill himself. That is a guilt that I will carry always. However, I DID stop. I finally had enough strength to walk away. It was a long, very emotional and difficult road. Sometimes I think that he became so dependent upon me that like he would say 'I don't want to go on without you. He was dead less than 2 hours after I dropped him off for that last time. He was terrified that no one would be there for him.
Your mom has her own illness. You have already realized that she cannot control it any more than your sister can control her addiction. In any situation, we have little recourse but to pick up our own life and carry it forward. You are wise beyond your years and very sensible. I am proud that you are mapping out a path for your future. You shouldn't have to do that so early, but perhaps where you will be headed in life - you will need the skills that you are learning thru this exposure. It has strengthened you. And made you wiser. I wish you could just be a child, without the troubles this has brought to your life .... but, in all hardships, comes learning. Internal strength and character.
I'm sorry for the disappointment that you must feel. It's not fair, life seldom is.
Keep reading here, there is so much wisdom on these pages. And I understand your disappointment with your mom. It's tough not to feel that.
I wish you success and we will all help you in any way that we can thru SR. Hugs to you princess, Joie
The only thing that eventually stopped me was that I was hurting HIM. I thought I could love him enough and help him enough until he wanted to help himself. Instead, he was hurting himself and I was HELPING him hurt HIMSELF. Realizing that I was just as guilty, was enough to STOP doing what I had been. I never used. I don't drink. I avoid coffee, sodas, anything with caffeine, no smoking, no gambling, etc. I didn't have any exposure to drugs or the causes of addiction, nor what happens when someone uses.
But eventually, I saw that no matter how I helped him, I was enabling him to continue to kill himself. That is a guilt that I will carry always. However, I DID stop. I finally had enough strength to walk away. It was a long, very emotional and difficult road. Sometimes I think that he became so dependent upon me that like he would say 'I don't want to go on without you. He was dead less than 2 hours after I dropped him off for that last time. He was terrified that no one would be there for him.
Your mom has her own illness. You have already realized that she cannot control it any more than your sister can control her addiction. In any situation, we have little recourse but to pick up our own life and carry it forward. You are wise beyond your years and very sensible. I am proud that you are mapping out a path for your future. You shouldn't have to do that so early, but perhaps where you will be headed in life - you will need the skills that you are learning thru this exposure. It has strengthened you. And made you wiser. I wish you could just be a child, without the troubles this has brought to your life .... but, in all hardships, comes learning. Internal strength and character.
I'm sorry for the disappointment that you must feel. It's not fair, life seldom is.
Keep reading here, there is so much wisdom on these pages. And I understand your disappointment with your mom. It's tough not to feel that.
I wish you success and we will all help you in any way that we can thru SR. Hugs to you princess, Joie
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