Obsessive Thoughts - Need Help
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Obsessive Thoughts - Need Help
My spouse is not my qualifier here, my mother is and I have come to realize in my over two years here at SR that I am a very codependent personality. I quit drinking over two years ago and that was my main focus for over a year, but now I have come to focus on what is even harder for me, dealing with my codependent ways.
Anyway, in the last couple of months, I have gotten obsessive thoughts that my husband could be cheating on me. He is my spouse of over 20 years and we have a very good marriage. We communicate well, are good friends, like to be together, have children together that we are on the same page parenting and we have a very active sex life. We are both independent, private people and we are both ACOAs. Anything that I have deemed "suspicious" has not panned out to be anything, yet I can't lose this gnawing feeling and it is driving me and him CRAZY! I feel like I am sabotaging our relationship.
My sister says that I am just always looking for the other shoe to drop. I feel like when there are not major problems or issues to tackle in my life, I look for them and I hate this about myself. Any insights would be appreciated. I consider a lot of you regular posters some of the wisest people I have ever "met" in my life. Thanks in advance.
Anyway, in the last couple of months, I have gotten obsessive thoughts that my husband could be cheating on me. He is my spouse of over 20 years and we have a very good marriage. We communicate well, are good friends, like to be together, have children together that we are on the same page parenting and we have a very active sex life. We are both independent, private people and we are both ACOAs. Anything that I have deemed "suspicious" has not panned out to be anything, yet I can't lose this gnawing feeling and it is driving me and him CRAZY! I feel like I am sabotaging our relationship.
My sister says that I am just always looking for the other shoe to drop. I feel like when there are not major problems or issues to tackle in my life, I look for them and I hate this about myself. Any insights would be appreciated. I consider a lot of you regular posters some of the wisest people I have ever "met" in my life. Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Well, I know that when I was in the thick of codependent behavior, I could not be comfortable in my own skin unless there was some kind of drama happening. If nothing was going on, I stirred something up. The root of my issue was a lack of self-esteem, and an inability to self-validate. Do you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to about this?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I am not a psychologist, but for me, self validation means being good enough for myself, and not requiring external validation of my feelings and beliefs to be confident in who I am.
Growing up as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic mom and codependent dad, my childhood survival mechanisms revolved around trying to be, do, or say the right things so that mom wouldn't get mad and I would be taken care of. I learned to define myself only in relationship to her moods. If she was laughing, I was good. If she was angry, I was bad. How I felt about whatever was happening was not relevant.
Taking those survival mechanisms into adult relationships, I sought out relationships and external things to define me and give me some worth. I could be Someone's Girlfriend or Someone Else's Star Pupil...but the idea of just being me wasn't even on my radar. I was always looking for someone else to tell me what to be, and clinging to toxic relationships that were hurting me just so I would not have to be alone. To be alone meant being no one.
In my late twenties I married a very nice man because he asked me to. Whether I wanted to marry him, or wanted to be married at all, never entered into the decision making process. What could be better than being Someone's Wife? Well...I gotta tell you, I learned the hard way that the more feelings you suppress for a longer amount of time, the more the intense the explosion will be when they all come bubbling up. And they will come bubbling up. Repressing emotions (or numbing them with drugs or alcohol) doesn't make them go away, it just makes them more intense.
That marriage imploded when I was 32 and I finally had to decide if I was just going to keep on chasing validation from others or if I was going to learn to be okay with the only person I could guarantee would be around for the rest of my life: me.
Things are much better in my life these days. Though getting through that basic stuff paved the way for me to realize all of the other ways I have tried to define how I should feel about myself. For a long time it was dieting, and using that number on the scale each week to know whether I was good or bad. Today I just work on being me, and honoring my own feelings. Also I try to enjoy life every now and then.
Growing up as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic mom and codependent dad, my childhood survival mechanisms revolved around trying to be, do, or say the right things so that mom wouldn't get mad and I would be taken care of. I learned to define myself only in relationship to her moods. If she was laughing, I was good. If she was angry, I was bad. How I felt about whatever was happening was not relevant.
Taking those survival mechanisms into adult relationships, I sought out relationships and external things to define me and give me some worth. I could be Someone's Girlfriend or Someone Else's Star Pupil...but the idea of just being me wasn't even on my radar. I was always looking for someone else to tell me what to be, and clinging to toxic relationships that were hurting me just so I would not have to be alone. To be alone meant being no one.
In my late twenties I married a very nice man because he asked me to. Whether I wanted to marry him, or wanted to be married at all, never entered into the decision making process. What could be better than being Someone's Wife? Well...I gotta tell you, I learned the hard way that the more feelings you suppress for a longer amount of time, the more the intense the explosion will be when they all come bubbling up. And they will come bubbling up. Repressing emotions (or numbing them with drugs or alcohol) doesn't make them go away, it just makes them more intense.
That marriage imploded when I was 32 and I finally had to decide if I was just going to keep on chasing validation from others or if I was going to learn to be okay with the only person I could guarantee would be around for the rest of my life: me.
Things are much better in my life these days. Though getting through that basic stuff paved the way for me to realize all of the other ways I have tried to define how I should feel about myself. For a long time it was dieting, and using that number on the scale each week to know whether I was good or bad. Today I just work on being me, and honoring my own feelings. Also I try to enjoy life every now and then.
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Hi DD. My mother is my qualifier too, and I have been married almost 19 years. I struggled with this exact same issue for years, I was fortunate to find a good therapist who helped me sort it out. It still pops up every now and then but I try to be aware now when I am going down that path.
I didn't see the parallels until she pointed it out to me. In fact she was less concerned with his behavior than mine! She insisted that I found something gratifying in checking up on him and assuming the worst. I do see now that I was repeating behaviors that had actually served me in my childhood. I did catch my mother drinking after she said she had quit, I smelled her drinks, I used to search the house for bottles. I had never heard about codependence but as a young child my life really did depend on my mother.
I created a lot of undue stress in my marriage, especially early on. I kept thinking that if I could "catch him" doing something that his guilt would keep me safe. I can't say that I never go there anymore, but I try to keep it in check, and it usually flares up when I am not feeling good about myself.
I categorize it as hyper vigilance, a trait which I think a lot of us ACOA's suffer from. I see this behavior come out in other areas too. I realized once that I buy things "just in case", I have enough soup stockpiled for years.
I think we are conditioned to believe that if we assume the worst we won't be as hurt. Maybe the turmoil you have been going through with your mother has stirred up a lot of feelings in this regard. I know you have struggled with her pretending everything is normal when you know better. I remember watching the adults around me when I was younger, noticing no one else seemed upset by my mother's drinking so it must be me.
I think you are wise to see that what you are going through likely stems from something that doesn't even involve your husband. I remember my husband breaking down in tears once over his frustration with my inability to believe him. I think that the fact that everyone keeps on ignoring the elephant in the room makes us wary of trusting reality, we become conditioned to assume there is always more going on.
I didn't see the parallels until she pointed it out to me. In fact she was less concerned with his behavior than mine! She insisted that I found something gratifying in checking up on him and assuming the worst. I do see now that I was repeating behaviors that had actually served me in my childhood. I did catch my mother drinking after she said she had quit, I smelled her drinks, I used to search the house for bottles. I had never heard about codependence but as a young child my life really did depend on my mother.
I created a lot of undue stress in my marriage, especially early on. I kept thinking that if I could "catch him" doing something that his guilt would keep me safe. I can't say that I never go there anymore, but I try to keep it in check, and it usually flares up when I am not feeling good about myself.
I categorize it as hyper vigilance, a trait which I think a lot of us ACOA's suffer from. I see this behavior come out in other areas too. I realized once that I buy things "just in case", I have enough soup stockpiled for years.
I think we are conditioned to believe that if we assume the worst we won't be as hurt. Maybe the turmoil you have been going through with your mother has stirred up a lot of feelings in this regard. I know you have struggled with her pretending everything is normal when you know better. I remember watching the adults around me when I was younger, noticing no one else seemed upset by my mother's drinking so it must be me.
I think you are wise to see that what you are going through likely stems from something that doesn't even involve your husband. I remember my husband breaking down in tears once over his frustration with my inability to believe him. I think that the fact that everyone keeps on ignoring the elephant in the room makes us wary of trusting reality, we become conditioned to assume there is always more going on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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DoubleDragons......the fact that you have such strong feelings (in the absence of any evidence)......there could be many dynamics that might underlie this.
I don't often say this.....but, I would suggest that you see an individual therapist....and explore if couples therapy might be a direction to go....or, whether this is something within yourself.....
In any case, I think that the worst thing that people do is to ignore an issue until there has been a lot of damage---until there is a crisis to reach out for solid help.
It must be a problem or you wouldn't be talking to us about ut....and I am so glad that you have done so!
I say......get to the bottom of it ASAP
dandylion
I don't often say this.....but, I would suggest that you see an individual therapist....and explore if couples therapy might be a direction to go....or, whether this is something within yourself.....
In any case, I think that the worst thing that people do is to ignore an issue until there has been a lot of damage---until there is a crisis to reach out for solid help.
It must be a problem or you wouldn't be talking to us about ut....and I am so glad that you have done so!
I say......get to the bottom of it ASAP
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't know the answer DD, but I can relate to creating drama in order to have an outlet for emotions. I call it "pink flags" when I go chasing unsubstantiated concerns - every time that has ever happened it ended up exposing a big hole in MY recovery & kept driving me back to my side of the street. I chase pink flags when I don't want to work on myself, it gives me a justifiable reason to focus externally.
Haven't you been having a lot of Codependent breakthroughs lately? Are you still in limited/no contact with your mom? If so that alone could have freed up a lot of mental time that was pretty used to handling drama & feels like that's the "normal" thing to pursue.
I know one of my biggest AHA moments came when I "caught" myself picking a ridiculous argument with RAH just so that I could justify running to the pantry & stuffing my emotions with food. Must. Step. away. from. the. cupcakes. and. think.
Haven't you been having a lot of Codependent breakthroughs lately? Are you still in limited/no contact with your mom? If so that alone could have freed up a lot of mental time that was pretty used to handling drama & feels like that's the "normal" thing to pursue.
I know one of my biggest AHA moments came when I "caught" myself picking a ridiculous argument with RAH just so that I could justify running to the pantry & stuffing my emotions with food. Must. Step. away. from. the. cupcakes. and. think.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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DD, the following is an amazing link posted by MorningGlory which gives practical ways to stop obsessive thoughts and deal with emotional memories. I have found it so helpful. Did you know that you have approximately 90 seconds from the time a thought creeps into your mind, until your body begins reacting physically to the memory and you can use that window to your advantage:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
DD,
My qualifier is my mom, too. I really wish I had something wise and wonderful to say, but I'm in the beginnings of self discovery on this side of things as well. Like you, I've been sober for two and a half years and focused on my own recovery. Like you, other stuff comes up now. It's like whack a mole, isn't it?!? Like you, I am typically waiting for he other shoe to drop. My own recovery has helped a lot with this, but I've just realized its probably die more to my upbringing than my alcoholism.
We keep peeling off the layers of dysfunction, and it's daunting. But things get a bit better overall every time we tackle another issue. You will get through this a stronger, healthier woman.
My qualifier is my mom, too. I really wish I had something wise and wonderful to say, but I'm in the beginnings of self discovery on this side of things as well. Like you, I've been sober for two and a half years and focused on my own recovery. Like you, other stuff comes up now. It's like whack a mole, isn't it?!? Like you, I am typically waiting for he other shoe to drop. My own recovery has helped a lot with this, but I've just realized its probably die more to my upbringing than my alcoholism.
We keep peeling off the layers of dysfunction, and it's daunting. But things get a bit better overall every time we tackle another issue. You will get through this a stronger, healthier woman.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
I am not a psychologist, but for me, self validation means being good enough for myself, and not requiring external validation of my feelings and beliefs to be confident in who I am.
Growing up as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic mom and codependent dad, my childhood survival mechanisms revolved around trying to be, do, or say the right things so that mom wouldn't get mad and I would be taken care of. I learned to define myself only in relationship to her moods. If she was laughing, I was good. If she was angry, I was bad. How I felt about whatever was happening was not relevant.
Taking those survival mechanisms into adult relationships, I sought out relationships and external things to define me and give me some worth. I could be Someone's Girlfriend or Someone Else's Star Pupil...but the idea of just being me wasn't even on my radar. I was always looking for someone else to tell me what to be, and clinging to toxic relationships that were hurting me just so I would not have to be alone. To be alone meant being no one.
In my late twenties I married a very nice man because he asked me to. Whether I wanted to marry him, or wanted to be married at all, never entered into the decision making process. What could be better than being Someone's Wife? Well...I gotta tell you, I learned the hard way that the more feelings you suppress for a longer amount of time, the more the intense the explosion will be when they all come bubbling up. And they will come bubbling up. Repressing emotions (or numbing them with drugs or alcohol) doesn't make them go away, it just makes them more intense.
That marriage imploded when I was 32 and I finally had to decide if I was just going to keep on chasing validation from others or if I was going to learn to be okay with the only person I could guarantee would be around for the rest of my life: me.
Things are much better in my life these days. Though getting through that basic stuff paved the way for me to realize all of the other ways I have tried to define how I should feel about myself. For a long time it was dieting, and using that number on the scale each week to know whether I was good or bad. Today I just work on being me, and honoring my own feelings. Also I try to enjoy life every now and then.
Growing up as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic mom and codependent dad, my childhood survival mechanisms revolved around trying to be, do, or say the right things so that mom wouldn't get mad and I would be taken care of. I learned to define myself only in relationship to her moods. If she was laughing, I was good. If she was angry, I was bad. How I felt about whatever was happening was not relevant.
Taking those survival mechanisms into adult relationships, I sought out relationships and external things to define me and give me some worth. I could be Someone's Girlfriend or Someone Else's Star Pupil...but the idea of just being me wasn't even on my radar. I was always looking for someone else to tell me what to be, and clinging to toxic relationships that were hurting me just so I would not have to be alone. To be alone meant being no one.
In my late twenties I married a very nice man because he asked me to. Whether I wanted to marry him, or wanted to be married at all, never entered into the decision making process. What could be better than being Someone's Wife? Well...I gotta tell you, I learned the hard way that the more feelings you suppress for a longer amount of time, the more the intense the explosion will be when they all come bubbling up. And they will come bubbling up. Repressing emotions (or numbing them with drugs or alcohol) doesn't make them go away, it just makes them more intense.
That marriage imploded when I was 32 and I finally had to decide if I was just going to keep on chasing validation from others or if I was going to learn to be okay with the only person I could guarantee would be around for the rest of my life: me.
Things are much better in my life these days. Though getting through that basic stuff paved the way for me to realize all of the other ways I have tried to define how I should feel about myself. For a long time it was dieting, and using that number on the scale each week to know whether I was good or bad. Today I just work on being me, and honoring my own feelings. Also I try to enjoy life every now and then.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I have been reading all of your posts while I was out all day and I couldn't wait to get back and thank you so much. You all are so insightful. There is so much that rang true to me from every one of your posts. I consider you to be my codependency therapists. I don't post a whole lot here on this side of SR , because my spouse isn't my qualifier, I often feel like it isn't my place or that I don't have anything really helpful to add, but I have to tell you, that I have gleaned so much wisdom here at F&F and I appreciate it very much.
I am entirely grateful to have quit drinking alcohol. Alcohol was a very regular part of my life from age 15 to my early 40s, so I feel like such a fledgling finally dealing with what I used to drink away.
I went to therapy in my twenties which was great in the fact that it validated that my FOO was pretty messed up and I wasn't crazy for thinking that they were. However, I didn't take it far enough to really face how my FOO created some not so healthy behaviors in me. My husband is pretty old fashioned when it comes to counseling. When I have brought up marital counseling in the past, he is almost insulted by it. In his mind that means that our marriage is really in trouble and he feels (and I do, too) that we have a pretty solid relationship. So, I may have to reconsider individual therapy again, but in the mean time, you all ROCK!
I had lunch with one of my dearest friends today and when I relayed my marital fears, she told me that she feels I have insecurities that I have to deal with and she doesn't understand why I have the insecurities that I do. She also thinks that I confuse my "thoughts" with intuition and that sometimes gets me into trouble. So, I have a lot to meditate on here, but again, you have helped me a lot. Thank you!
I am entirely grateful to have quit drinking alcohol. Alcohol was a very regular part of my life from age 15 to my early 40s, so I feel like such a fledgling finally dealing with what I used to drink away.
I went to therapy in my twenties which was great in the fact that it validated that my FOO was pretty messed up and I wasn't crazy for thinking that they were. However, I didn't take it far enough to really face how my FOO created some not so healthy behaviors in me. My husband is pretty old fashioned when it comes to counseling. When I have brought up marital counseling in the past, he is almost insulted by it. In his mind that means that our marriage is really in trouble and he feels (and I do, too) that we have a pretty solid relationship. So, I may have to reconsider individual therapy again, but in the mean time, you all ROCK!
I had lunch with one of my dearest friends today and when I relayed my marital fears, she told me that she feels I have insecurities that I have to deal with and she doesn't understand why I have the insecurities that I do. She also thinks that I confuse my "thoughts" with intuition and that sometimes gets me into trouble. So, I have a lot to meditate on here, but again, you have helped me a lot. Thank you!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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"He is my spouse of over 20 years and we have a very good marriage. We communicate well, are good friends, like to be together, have children together that we are on the same page parenting and we have a very active sex life"
Re read that. You have an amazing relationship. Hold on to it. Enjoy every minute of every day. If you feel insecure .. yes look for help for you.. or even couples counselling. But you seem to have a great partner who loves you very much.
Re read that. You have an amazing relationship. Hold on to it. Enjoy every minute of every day. If you feel insecure .. yes look for help for you.. or even couples counselling. But you seem to have a great partner who loves you very much.
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