CarryThatWeight

I'd just like some opinions. I started going to Al Anon because my husband wanted me to. He was sober before we got together, so I have never seen him drink. I felt like an outsider in Al Anon, since I never lived with active alcoholism, but liked the people and continued going. Now my husband and I are split up, and I feel like maybe I don't fit there anymore... since I no longer live with an alcoholic. I do find a lot of support in meetings, but so much of the readings mention alcoholism, I'm feeling like maybe I can't relate. Being around AA hurts, because it reminds me of the good times with my husband (birthday night especially), and I feel skeptical because for all his big book talk and sponsoring, he treated me very poorly. I can't understand how a person can be working the steps and act like he did.

Should I "keep coming back?"

Hangnbyathread

I wouldn't. You don't have an AC in your life anymore.

I didn't find mine here all that much help except it was a place to come vent off a lot of pent up feelings. Aside from that I really didn't find them to offer me much. Not saying that they are bad things at all. Quite the contrary. I feel great gratitude of all they try and offer those in need.

But mostly it is is for those that have it in their lives and are maintaining a sanity level they need.

SeriousKarma

I think it's entirely up to you. If you feel that your getting anything out of it then go. I copied this from an Alanon site:

Al-Anon’s Third Tradition includes the statement, “The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” Al-Anon is open to any one who has been affected in any way by the problem drinking of another person. There is no other requirement for participation. You do not need to be certain whether or not you belong in order to attend. You do not need to be certain whether or not the problem drinker is an alcoholic. If you think Al-Anon may possibly be right for you, you will be welcome.

Mango blast

We had a small group of 8 people at a mid-day meeting this summer and someone said something very similar. 5 of the people that day didn't have an alcoholic in their home and weren't raised with alcoholism. They did, at some point in time, become affected by someone else's ism's and have found that they have ism's, too.

Keep coming back.

Were you affected by the relationship with your husband? Being in recovery doesn't make anyone stop being an alcoholic.

We have several long-time Alanon members in my home group who haven't had an alcoholic in their lives in a long time. They're very appreciated members. Putting aside the alcoholic doesn't stop many of us from our own Alanonic behaviors.

Perhaps replace the thought of powerless over alcohol with powerless over people, places and things.

Good things to discuss at a meeting and with your sponsor. If you don't have a sponsor yet, it can make a big difference. Not in ways I expected, but nothing in my life has been how I expected. Now I'm able to appreciate that, on most days!

NYCDoglvr

I would keep coming because you don't want to pick another alcoholic or unavailable person for your next relationship. Plenty of people in Alanon are with recovering alcoholic. They're still alcoholics.

PurpleWilder

Maybe Codependents Anonymous would be a better fit for you - it was for me. It was my own personality and screwed-up childhood that made a messed up addict/alcoholic seem like a good catch....

schnappi99

I know plenty of people in Alanon with significant others who no longer drink/use- even decades after. For my part I need to use the steps to keep out of the "ism's"- many bad habits of anger, frustration, emotional dependency etc that I developed since I was a kid; the "daily reprieve based upon my spiritual condition" is very much the case for me. Maybe in 10 yrs my habits of mind will be sufficiently changed that I'm not at risk of falling back into the bad old ones; but it seems to me I've spent 40yrs with them developing so it will take a while to develop new ones.

If you're finding the meetings helpful, I'd urge you to keep going. If you don't find the meetings helpful, another approach might be to do the steps and see what happens. I started them about 8 months in and the difference in emotional ease and comfort between just going to meetings vs doing the steps is night and day.

CarryThatWeight

I thought of that too. There are only two CODA meetings in my area. I went to one, and there was no one there. The church door was locked. I went to the other one, and there were four people plus me. No one wanted to share... A lot of uncomfortable silence. When people did share, it was more like complaining than experience, strength, and hope. I was really disappointed with my CODA experience. Thank you for your response and suggestion though! I really appreciate it. And I totally relate to the childhood stuff that makes an emotionally unavailable alcoholic a good choice for a relationship.

CarryThatWeight

Thanks for all the responses. I feel better about it having read them. I do find the meetings helpful, because I have a great group. It's not like anyone there is going to point their finger at me and say I don't belong. It's just an issue in my own head. Certainly I need to look at what made me choose my husband and what made me stay despite all the poor treatment. Al Anon just may be my safe place to do that. I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts.