teatreeoil007

I've read a few threads that bring up the topic of addicts in rehab starting and/or encouraging and/or pursuing relationships during rehab. And I'm not referring to friendship/pure-support relationships, but relationships that could turn intimate and/or romantic or sexual in nature.

I don't particularly judge people for being prone or VULNERABLE to that, but I can't help but think it's the VULNERABILITY that could be the root of the dysfunction/problem. And therefore that is why starting a new relationship while in rehab is so frowned on. I mean, I can understand the vulnerability...we've ALL had times in our lives when we were vulnerable. But, I guess it's good to be able to recognize when you are vulnerable, be AWARE of it and therefore create safe boundaries. Yeah...boundaries...good boundaries are so highly important!

BUT-here's an interesting thing: People who are vulnerable have a more difficult time maintaining healthy boundaries...which makes them even more vulnerable.

So, what's the answer? Well, for one thing -I would think the professional staff have got to be on their toes with this issue and nip these things in the bud if at all possible...however, if we are talking about consenting adults, what is the expectation(s) and what is okay? Is the patient's right to get involved with whomever they want? Only reason I'm asking these things is I guess I'm kind of naive here and I was shocked to read on here about addicts having intimate relationships with other in-patients addicts while in rehab. Hmmm. I just don't get it.

Refiner

I totally get it. The addict is selfish and most times you take the DOC away and the selfishness remains. Those that aren't selfish will work the program and get healthy for themselves. Those that are truly selfish think they're above the law. The staff I'm sure warns them of not getting into relationships but what are they going to do - handcuff them to their bed each night? The addict is in a fog while in rehab for the most part and meets someone in the same spot they're in who truly "gets" them. And since they're already selfish, they go for it.

minime13

My understanding (albeit limited) is that forming intimate relationships while in rehab with another person that is in rehab is not only discouraged, but a violation of rules that can get you kicked out. That being said, enforcement of this is probably pretty difficult.

In a perfect world, rehabilitation centers would be gender/sexual orientation specific to keep this temptation out altogether. But resources, funding, etc., keep this from being the case.

Refiner

While this is true and SHOULD be the case, it's not always the case unfortunately because some rehabs are for-profit and just want to make the coin.

minime13

That's why the choice of rehab is just as fundamentally important as the course of rehab.

biminiblue

Also, I think a lot of people with addiction issues also have issues with sexually acting out. A "relationship" can fill them up temporarily and get those feel-good chemicals back pumping again. The same brain issues are at play with relationship addicts.

Refiner

AGREED! And it's also why a dual diagnosis is even the most important before getting rehabbed. When I found out my AS wasn't in a dual treatment program that also addressed her NPD issues, it was futile and I went no contact with her. (although I truly think it's impossible to rehab a Narcissist's behavior). They may stop drinking, but they won't stop being and ass. People with Bi-polar and the like could at least benefit from therapy and medication while addressing their alcoholism if it's at the right place.

Liveitwell

Bimini-very true! Acting out sexually gives you the feel good chemicals flowing....but ultimately destroys your soul. Same as giving into the thoughts that tell them drinking is ok. It's just another distraction from dealing with themself.

teatreeoil007

"Forming a new relationship with someone while in rehab or in early recovery is maybe the number one sobriety killer."

In order to beat addiction a person needs to be gazelle intense!

dandylion

teatreeoil........Affirmative......Afirmative..... .Afirmative!

dandylion

iGirl66

I haven't posted in months, but this has always been my beef. My ex was mandated 18 months. He went in September, he met a girl in October. I was there for thanksgiving in Nov. I was dumped in December. They were released in May. They have just celebrated their "1st anniversary" this month" the baby is due in March. God bless them all.
Friends and family let me know. I don't mind hearing it. The insanity reminds me of what an addict can be. Point is, rehabs for the most part, especially the state run kind, are more like sleep away camp. Every relapsed junkie and drunk that returns is money. The value system is about the system, not the patient.

damascus1986

i guess i was lucky to be in a all male rehab. I've seen it happen alot people relapse over relationships. I myself got into one early in recovery she actually cheated with her sponsors guy. After that they all went out and relapsed. i washed my hands of the situation and focused on some meetings and work lol. Truely i wasn't ready for a relationship but being a sefish addict i sought them.
I cant totally blame the system at somepoint im going to come in contact with the opposite sex the same as at some point im going to face my DOC just will i have the right tools necessary to do the right thing and live the right way. Also i have to take some responsibility for my choices in life, i realize ppl early in recovery aren't often ready to do that

iGirl66

If you search my old posts, I have a thread about rehab romance. It got pretty heated, though I don't know why it should have. I just felt that as professionals the rehabs have been slipshod in this area at best and down right negligent at worse.

damascus1986

Well bygones be bygones. Could be your higher power was protecting you from something. I know mine was. especially early on we aren't great dating material lol

Hangnbyathread

AA is a perfect place to hook up. They have no accountability that they account for them there. If you are an alcoholic that already has no accountability, and you are there, you meet other alcoholics that want no accountability.

My EX took up with someone she met in AA within weeks of going there. It was the perfect cover. Honey I'm going to my AA meetings 3 times a week. How can you not want to support that?

Til you find out they really aren't.

damascus1986

honesty is the foundation of recovery. sorry this happened to you. i wouldn't blame AA as much as the person that did it to you.

Some people really go to meetings and get better. AA wasnt created to manage peoples relationships, Although id hope if they took some of what the program was trying to teach them and applied it to their life the relationships would improve.

SeriousKarma

I come at this issue from another angle. The whys and hows of this issue can be gone over till the cows come home, but we're never going to create a world where broken, hurting people don't seek out other broken, hurting people. And the human sexual drive sex is how we ended up here today. Literally. So it's not like we're going to ever stop that little urge.

The problem, like so many others, isn't their problem. It's our problem. My XAH doesn't have a problem with the women he slept with. I do!

So maybe what we need is a rehab for the partners of people in rehab. A place where we can get our emotional poop together. Someplace to school us on the tools needed to so that we can cut and run if our loved one, in the rehab across the street, starts looking for love in all the wrong places.

Hangnbyathread

I don't blame AA. They didn't cause them to get together. They simply saw that AA gave them an easy way to continue doing what they wanted to do. It was a great cover.

Yes the fundamental process of AA requires a commitment to honesty. One of the most difficult things for an alcoholic.

damascus1986

Love that cs lewis quote^^^^^^^^

Makes me think when i was in rehab i cried begging my family to go to alanon. they said they would never went once. sometimes they are a lil crazy still.

At the end of the day i remember my project is me, theres not alot im in control of especially other people. If a addict wants to do something they more then likey will. i wish there were more wanting to get clean and live right.

NYCDoglvr

There is one reason rehabs say no relationships: it's a straight path to a relapse. For the alcoholic/addict to stay sober/dry the focus must be 100% on recovery.