How did I let it get this far?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 15
How did I let it get this far?
AW thought she might want to kill herself a few weeks ago, so she downed a bottle of Zoloft. She was at our neighbours house drinking most of the day (left the kids to go over there). She came home, I yelled and swore and scared the crap out of my kids. Told her she wasn't needed at home.
She went back over there, and several hours later (about 9:30pm) called home to tell me what she'd done. The neighbour called 911, cops and ambulance showed up took her to the hospital. The cops stuck around to talk to me, and I told them exactly what happened.
She gets a call from what amounts to Social Services and they paid her one surprise visit and one scheduled. She has not gone into detail with them about everything, only the events that prompted their involvement. They called this morning to let her know they want to talk to me on Tuesday.
Without going and writing a novel, things have been very bad for years. she's left the kids alone (kids are 10, 4, and 1 as of now), she's passed out while they are there. And it goes on.
I'm so deep into co-dependency that it makes me ill that I'm days away from potentially "ruining" her life. Thats how I feel. I feel like I'm going to hurt her beyond what she can even fathom *if* I'm honest with these people. Despite the fact that she's hurt (emotionally) the kids and I dozens if not hundreds of times.
If I'm not, what happens if something else happens down the road? I'm on the hook for lying, then we both lose the children.
I don't feel ready for this. I've protected her from the reality of what she's doing for so long, I feel like I'd be betraying her if I tell them everything.
This is so f*cked up right now.
She went back over there, and several hours later (about 9:30pm) called home to tell me what she'd done. The neighbour called 911, cops and ambulance showed up took her to the hospital. The cops stuck around to talk to me, and I told them exactly what happened.
She gets a call from what amounts to Social Services and they paid her one surprise visit and one scheduled. She has not gone into detail with them about everything, only the events that prompted their involvement. They called this morning to let her know they want to talk to me on Tuesday.
Without going and writing a novel, things have been very bad for years. she's left the kids alone (kids are 10, 4, and 1 as of now), she's passed out while they are there. And it goes on.
I'm so deep into co-dependency that it makes me ill that I'm days away from potentially "ruining" her life. Thats how I feel. I feel like I'm going to hurt her beyond what she can even fathom *if* I'm honest with these people. Despite the fact that she's hurt (emotionally) the kids and I dozens if not hundreds of times.
If I'm not, what happens if something else happens down the road? I'm on the hook for lying, then we both lose the children.
I don't feel ready for this. I've protected her from the reality of what she's doing for so long, I feel like I'd be betraying her if I tell them everything.
This is so f*cked up right now.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I'm so sorry this is happening. I know you don't want to hurt your wife, but if you really stop and think about it, the most important people in this screwed-up scenario are the children. They are completely innocent and someone needs to step up and be their voice. Your wife either will or won't get her shite together, but those kids deserve something better. The best thing to do for them is to be honest with Social Services.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
she ABANDONED your CHILDREN, so she could go DRINK. this story could have a singularly unimaginable ending if something had happened at the house while a TEN year old, a FOUR year old, and a ONE year old were left alone to their own devices. what if there had been a fire? what if a child fell? what if the baby ate bleach or some other toxic chemical???
i have NO sympathy for your "wife" - she has shown complete disregard for the precious children she brought into this world. she is not a parent.
that means, they have only you. you have a choice. in fact it shouldn't even BE a choice......you need to do whatever you can to protect those children, and that means being completely honest with the authorities.....unless you want them removed from the home for their own safety because neither parent is capable of taking care of them......
i have NO sympathy for your "wife" - she has shown complete disregard for the precious children she brought into this world. she is not a parent.
that means, they have only you. you have a choice. in fact it shouldn't even BE a choice......you need to do whatever you can to protect those children, and that means being completely honest with the authorities.....unless you want them removed from the home for their own safety because neither parent is capable of taking care of them......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
5YI,
Good for your for reaching out to us. The comments are a little tough on you right now. When children are involved, people are a littleless sympathetic to the addict and the enablers.
Yes you are an enabler, as everyone of us has been in those shoes when we reach out for support. You are no different. But sparing your wife the consequences of her actions is not good for her, you or your kids. Yes you do risk having your children taken away. lying to the police does what good and for whom. So your wife's alcoholism can get worse, and oh yes it gets worse.
She is living with a lot of guilt, she is a bad mom, she drinks to much, she hurts her kids and her husband. Lots and lots of guilt, but really enough about her.
What can you do for you. You can tell the truth. Your children are in real danger in her care. As someone said the other day, would you allow a drunk baby sitter to take care of your kids? No, so why would you allow your wife.
I know your plate is full and I am sure you have been mom and dad for a long time. You really could use an alanon meeting. Face to face support for you. You have not taken care of you, I am sure for a long time. If you aren't well you can not help your children, and they need one healthy parent. What you learn i n alanon is to not accept unacceptable behavior, to set up boundaries, to follow through with your threats. This is not about her drinking, as she is legal to drink and you couldn't stop her anyway. But she has to know that if you tell her something that you mean business.
Sit back and read all the comments. Take what you want and leave the rest. The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids, is to keep coming back. Hugs my friends, your life is about to change!!
Good for your for reaching out to us. The comments are a little tough on you right now. When children are involved, people are a littleless sympathetic to the addict and the enablers.
Yes you are an enabler, as everyone of us has been in those shoes when we reach out for support. You are no different. But sparing your wife the consequences of her actions is not good for her, you or your kids. Yes you do risk having your children taken away. lying to the police does what good and for whom. So your wife's alcoholism can get worse, and oh yes it gets worse.
She is living with a lot of guilt, she is a bad mom, she drinks to much, she hurts her kids and her husband. Lots and lots of guilt, but really enough about her.
What can you do for you. You can tell the truth. Your children are in real danger in her care. As someone said the other day, would you allow a drunk baby sitter to take care of your kids? No, so why would you allow your wife.
I know your plate is full and I am sure you have been mom and dad for a long time. You really could use an alanon meeting. Face to face support for you. You have not taken care of you, I am sure for a long time. If you aren't well you can not help your children, and they need one healthy parent. What you learn i n alanon is to not accept unacceptable behavior, to set up boundaries, to follow through with your threats. This is not about her drinking, as she is legal to drink and you couldn't stop her anyway. But she has to know that if you tell her something that you mean business.
Sit back and read all the comments. Take what you want and leave the rest. The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids, is to keep coming back. Hugs my friends, your life is about to change!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm so deep into co-dependency that it makes me ill that I'm days away from potentially "ruining" her life
Dig deep and find the strength and courage to do right by your children.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Until the alcoholic starts having to be accountable for what they have done, there is no hope.
I'm sorry about the guilt you feel and I understand it. Think about this -what if while your wife was out getting tanked one of your children was injured or died because of her neglect. How would you feel then? How do you think she would feel sitting behind bars? What if you were charged with neglect because of your knowledge and covering up for her? This is your reality.
Being honest with social services MAY be what your wife needs. It is definitely what your children need. Think on this and what could happen if you cover up for her - its not far fetched my friend.
I'm sorry about the guilt you feel and I understand it. Think about this -what if while your wife was out getting tanked one of your children was injured or died because of her neglect. How would you feel then? How do you think she would feel sitting behind bars? What if you were charged with neglect because of your knowledge and covering up for her? This is your reality.
Being honest with social services MAY be what your wife needs. It is definitely what your children need. Think on this and what could happen if you cover up for her - its not far fetched my friend.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I read through your threads. Here is a post written to you in 2012, thought it might be worth a reread.
the life you have now is the life I had for many years, step child included. our daughter is now 16 and ****** up beyond belief. I tell you this:
IMHO they are way, way, way better off with the marriage ending (especially if you can get custody) than with the marriage continuing. The havoc and damage your wife (and you by staying in it) are causing is incalculable.
I say that because I stayed, I made the damage worse and I made it last longer by doing it. I wish I could undo it. I can't. But I did finally make the change. It was too little too late for our daughter.
Cyranoak
the life you have now is the life I had for many years, step child included. our daughter is now 16 and ****** up beyond belief. I tell you this:
IMHO they are way, way, way better off with the marriage ending (especially if you can get custody) than with the marriage continuing. The havoc and damage your wife (and you by staying in it) are causing is incalculable.
I say that because I stayed, I made the damage worse and I made it last longer by doing it. I wish I could undo it. I can't. But I did finally make the change. It was too little too late for our daughter.
Cyranoak
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi 5year, I do understand your feelings of betraying your wife, but she's clearly incapable of looking after the children now. She just doesn't have the capacity.
It's over to you. Being raised by a father and (I hope) extended family is far better that having some horrible mishap through lack of supervision, or the neglect that an absent parent causes. You probably didn't sign up for this, but now you're facing sole parenthood, put everything you can into it.
It's over to you. Being raised by a father and (I hope) extended family is far better that having some horrible mishap through lack of supervision, or the neglect that an absent parent causes. You probably didn't sign up for this, but now you're facing sole parenthood, put everything you can into it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
First thing I would like to say is be honest and tell the truth in your visit. If she's an alcoholic, then she probably has become relatively skilled at passing blame. In other words, you don't know what she may have said about you.
Be 100% honest - with everything.
I'd also look into what kind of game plan you need to have, immediately, to have someone look after your children when you cannot. She's incapable, and your children cannot be left to their own devices. Do whatever you can to make sure they are 100% safe 100% of the time. This may come up in the questioning too, and if they believe this to be a first time occurrence for your wife, it bodes well for you to have a game plan to keep those kids safe in your home.
Start there, because that's the immediate need that has to be met.
This is no longer about her, and how you feel for her. Your kids' welfare is the focus right now.
One step at a time. Once you can guarantee your kids will be safe and cared for, then you can move to the point of dealing with her and her actions.
Be 100% honest - with everything.
I'd also look into what kind of game plan you need to have, immediately, to have someone look after your children when you cannot. She's incapable, and your children cannot be left to their own devices. Do whatever you can to make sure they are 100% safe 100% of the time. This may come up in the questioning too, and if they believe this to be a first time occurrence for your wife, it bodes well for you to have a game plan to keep those kids safe in your home.
Start there, because that's the immediate need that has to be met.
This is no longer about her, and how you feel for her. Your kids' welfare is the focus right now.
One step at a time. Once you can guarantee your kids will be safe and cared for, then you can move to the point of dealing with her and her actions.
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