O/T another night of no sleep
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O/T another night of no sleep
I think many here know my story. Don;t wish to repeat this because it doesn't matter anyway. I just don't matter.
I have felt like I didn't exist for over 30 years. I'm OK with that.
My son invited me for Thanksgiving. I already told my daughter that I would do a sort of flea market thing with her the weekend after Thanksgiving, starting with setting up the day after thanksgiving. My son lives about 3 hours away from me.
I want or wanted to do this, at first after he invited me, I said yes, then I was told they were not having it, that I would have to drive at least another hour and a half to get there. I asked, can I just drive to your place and you can take me. I canceled out of this when it was never bought up that I could stay over, and drive back the next day.
I did ask my son if he really believed that I called DYFS (CPS) on my daughter, and if he really believed that I threw myself (or fell) down a flight of stairs so that I could have my ex arrested.
I don't know, it seems to me that I cannot get past those false accusations.
I feel shame everyday, and wish to God that I could just die everyday if that is what people really think about me.
My kids just want to move on and forgive me for all of the things that I did. Thing is, I didn't do them.
How do I get past all of this?
I really don't want any contact with my children telling me about things that I didn't do.
amy
I have felt like I didn't exist for over 30 years. I'm OK with that.
My son invited me for Thanksgiving. I already told my daughter that I would do a sort of flea market thing with her the weekend after Thanksgiving, starting with setting up the day after thanksgiving. My son lives about 3 hours away from me.
I want or wanted to do this, at first after he invited me, I said yes, then I was told they were not having it, that I would have to drive at least another hour and a half to get there. I asked, can I just drive to your place and you can take me. I canceled out of this when it was never bought up that I could stay over, and drive back the next day.
I did ask my son if he really believed that I called DYFS (CPS) on my daughter, and if he really believed that I threw myself (or fell) down a flight of stairs so that I could have my ex arrested.
I don't know, it seems to me that I cannot get past those false accusations.
I feel shame everyday, and wish to God that I could just die everyday if that is what people really think about me.
My kids just want to move on and forgive me for all of the things that I did. Thing is, I didn't do them.
How do I get past all of this?
I really don't want any contact with my children telling me about things that I didn't do.
amy
Last edited by amy55; 10-27-2015 at 10:25 PM. Reason: I was going to edit this because to me it even sounded craszy. I can't though because it is all true..
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Amy, I am sorry you are dealing with this. But you shouldn't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong. Their inability to talk to you about these instances is their shortcomings. Not yours. Unfortunately you can't fix this problem. Only they can. They aren't ready to. Hopefully some day they will be. It is hard. I know. I have children as well and never want problems between us. But, they are adults. They have to come to their recovery in their own time and their own way.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't take on what isn't yours.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't take on what isn't yours.
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Dear Amy
I am so sorry you are hurting. Sometimes our family is not related by blood. As we recover, some old relationships just don't work any more. I go through this too. It really hurts, but now I am open to change , have an open mind and new associations.
Like one of the sayings on this website frequently says: "When they show you who they are, BELIEVE them."
I also listen to recovery speeches on Youtube. Several speakers were describing their dysfunctional families, and how they like to get together on holidays and fight.
Last week I was feeling crazy because one friend wanted to get together for breakfast. She never showed and never called. A different friend, who I thought was really close, wouldn't return my messages about going to visit him at his church, of all places. They both showed me who they are. I believe them.
If you take these scenarios, yours and mine, and superimpose them on a marriage it would be something like this:
"The sex is good, but he beats me. I stay anyway."
Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?
Do something for yourself. Make other plans for the holidays. And
KEEP COMING BACK!!!
I am so sorry you are hurting. Sometimes our family is not related by blood. As we recover, some old relationships just don't work any more. I go through this too. It really hurts, but now I am open to change , have an open mind and new associations.
Like one of the sayings on this website frequently says: "When they show you who they are, BELIEVE them."
I also listen to recovery speeches on Youtube. Several speakers were describing their dysfunctional families, and how they like to get together on holidays and fight.
Last week I was feeling crazy because one friend wanted to get together for breakfast. She never showed and never called. A different friend, who I thought was really close, wouldn't return my messages about going to visit him at his church, of all places. They both showed me who they are. I believe them.
If you take these scenarios, yours and mine, and superimpose them on a marriage it would be something like this:
"The sex is good, but he beats me. I stay anyway."
Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?
Do something for yourself. Make other plans for the holidays. And
KEEP COMING BACK!!!
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My kids just want to move on and forgive me for all of the things that I did. Thing is, I didn't do them.
How do I get past all of this?
Hey Amy sorry you are upset. I guess the only correlation I can give you with this is in reference to my husband's family. He grew up in a very dysfunctional unit (sans alcohol). His parents are still together and still dysfunctional.
My husband has made great strides to overcome what happened. Part of this was trying to have open discussions with his parents about it, he was looking for validation and apology. This did not happen. His father just doesn't want to talk about it, or claims not to remember. His mother will talk about it, but feels she earned the mother of year award, and the discussion will hedge from acknowledging what was done to her kids to herself as a victim of the father's abuse. SO you see nothing gets accomplished in these talks (which have since ceased), because the mother was equally abusive if not MORE than the father. Her refusal to acknowledge this, and her need to be right far outweigh any compassion for her kids and what they endured (because in her mind it will never equal what she endured). I am not in anyway trying to say this situation mirrors your own or place blame on you....however, I do see something in common.
Needing to be "right" can cause a lot of damage. I hear you. This bothers you terribly that your children may think you did those things ( I am unsure if they do). What I see is even if they think you did, they have moved beyond it. I imagine your children see as adults the situation was a horrible one for you, and I am pretty sure regardless of how it happened they really don't care. You are divorced, you have moved on. The situation was toxic, they acknowledge that. If they didn't then I doubt you could move forward with a relationship with them.
Your need to be right is causing you damage and potentially can cause damage to your kids. Its clear they no longer want to discuss it. Thing is if you say one thing, and your ex says something completely opposite, how are your kids supposed to decipher the truth? They can't. They weren't there. You know the truth - and at the end of the day that's what matters. How you get over it is you accept that you cannot prove it (btw this is the same for your ex, he can't prove his story either). Let it go and move on.
Sounds like you have a wonderful Thanksgiving planned and something to look forward to! EnjoY it!
How do I get past all of this?
Hey Amy sorry you are upset. I guess the only correlation I can give you with this is in reference to my husband's family. He grew up in a very dysfunctional unit (sans alcohol). His parents are still together and still dysfunctional.
My husband has made great strides to overcome what happened. Part of this was trying to have open discussions with his parents about it, he was looking for validation and apology. This did not happen. His father just doesn't want to talk about it, or claims not to remember. His mother will talk about it, but feels she earned the mother of year award, and the discussion will hedge from acknowledging what was done to her kids to herself as a victim of the father's abuse. SO you see nothing gets accomplished in these talks (which have since ceased), because the mother was equally abusive if not MORE than the father. Her refusal to acknowledge this, and her need to be right far outweigh any compassion for her kids and what they endured (because in her mind it will never equal what she endured). I am not in anyway trying to say this situation mirrors your own or place blame on you....however, I do see something in common.
Needing to be "right" can cause a lot of damage. I hear you. This bothers you terribly that your children may think you did those things ( I am unsure if they do). What I see is even if they think you did, they have moved beyond it. I imagine your children see as adults the situation was a horrible one for you, and I am pretty sure regardless of how it happened they really don't care. You are divorced, you have moved on. The situation was toxic, they acknowledge that. If they didn't then I doubt you could move forward with a relationship with them.
Your need to be right is causing you damage and potentially can cause damage to your kids. Its clear they no longer want to discuss it. Thing is if you say one thing, and your ex says something completely opposite, how are your kids supposed to decipher the truth? They can't. They weren't there. You know the truth - and at the end of the day that's what matters. How you get over it is you accept that you cannot prove it (btw this is the same for your ex, he can't prove his story either). Let it go and move on.
Sounds like you have a wonderful Thanksgiving planned and something to look forward to! EnjoY it!
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I was really low last night. I thank you all for your responses.
RedAtlanta, you did hit the nail on the head. I couldn't see it that way, but you are right. I was still looking for validation. For me to get that validation, it would be me turning one sibling against another. I think I should just accept that since they even speak to me, that should be validation enough. I know I wouldn't want to speak to me if I did do those things that I was accused of.
Thank you for your story, it did help me clear my head, and I was able to see myself there.
amy
RedAtlanta, you did hit the nail on the head. I couldn't see it that way, but you are right. I was still looking for validation. For me to get that validation, it would be me turning one sibling against another. I think I should just accept that since they even speak to me, that should be validation enough. I know I wouldn't want to speak to me if I did do those things that I was accused of.
Thank you for your story, it did help me clear my head, and I was able to see myself there.
amy
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Sending many, many big bear hugs, Amy. You do matter. I'm so sorry that you're not feeling that right now.
It can be really hard when someone, especially family, believes something about us that isn't true. There are times when I really, really wish that I was the ice-cold b* that AXH often said I am. There are times I'd love to walk through life like: "Don't like how I do this. Well, tough. Your opinion doesn't matter to me one whit. I'm doing it anyway." I imagine that it would be quite freeing....
Would the following help?:
You had a hard time seeing that your XAH was abusive at first. It took a while to move to a point where you could leave. You've struggled and have had to work hard to heal from it. And you didn't grow up in that family dynamic. Your FOO may have had its issues, but those dynamics weren't exactly the same as the one your kids grew up in. You have the benefit of having a different frame of reference to look through. Your kids, however, grew up thinking *this* was the way it is. It'll take time and work to get past that view. If they put in the work. They may not want to. They may not think there is anything to heal from because they don't see it. Or they may kind of see it, but don't want to look directly at it, and just want to bury their heads and move on. That would suck and it would hurt, but it still doesn't say anything about your worth.
And kids can be notoriously wrapped up in their own lives without much thought that their parents are mortal beings with their own limitations and frailties. Without much serious thought, only a mostly unconscious thought of "Oh, Mom has always been around. (She was already here when I was born after all.) She always _will_ be around." It takes a different level of awareness to move beyond that as well.
I'm not saying this to excuse your kids' behavior (some of which sounds lame and imperceptive from this side of the screen) or to minimize your pain (it's huge; I can hear that in what you share. And imagining DS blaming me for what his father did stops my heart). But... just because they might believe (or want to act like they believe) one thing doesn't make it true. It doesn't change the truth of what actually happened. It might just be that's easier for them right now to ignore the questions.
You are awesome and such a strong lady, Amy. ((((hugs))))
It can be really hard when someone, especially family, believes something about us that isn't true. There are times when I really, really wish that I was the ice-cold b* that AXH often said I am. There are times I'd love to walk through life like: "Don't like how I do this. Well, tough. Your opinion doesn't matter to me one whit. I'm doing it anyway." I imagine that it would be quite freeing....
Would the following help?:
You had a hard time seeing that your XAH was abusive at first. It took a while to move to a point where you could leave. You've struggled and have had to work hard to heal from it. And you didn't grow up in that family dynamic. Your FOO may have had its issues, but those dynamics weren't exactly the same as the one your kids grew up in. You have the benefit of having a different frame of reference to look through. Your kids, however, grew up thinking *this* was the way it is. It'll take time and work to get past that view. If they put in the work. They may not want to. They may not think there is anything to heal from because they don't see it. Or they may kind of see it, but don't want to look directly at it, and just want to bury their heads and move on. That would suck and it would hurt, but it still doesn't say anything about your worth.
And kids can be notoriously wrapped up in their own lives without much thought that their parents are mortal beings with their own limitations and frailties. Without much serious thought, only a mostly unconscious thought of "Oh, Mom has always been around. (She was already here when I was born after all.) She always _will_ be around." It takes a different level of awareness to move beyond that as well.
I'm not saying this to excuse your kids' behavior (some of which sounds lame and imperceptive from this side of the screen) or to minimize your pain (it's huge; I can hear that in what you share. And imagining DS blaming me for what his father did stops my heart). But... just because they might believe (or want to act like they believe) one thing doesn't make it true. It doesn't change the truth of what actually happened. It might just be that's easier for them right now to ignore the questions.
You are awesome and such a strong lady, Amy. ((((hugs))))
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I really do appreciate the responses. It does make me feel less crazy.
I am following RedAtlanta's advice. I am leaving this alone.
Guess that is why I am still posting. I remember the night I was in the ER. I don't know how they got my youngest daughters phone number. I certainly didn't give it to them. They called her to let her know that I was in the hospital, and that I was being kept for tests and observations. My ex had punched me in the head, and I had called 911.
I was there already for at least 2 hours before my daughter showed up. She walked in, looked at me, and said, "I told you, you should have left Dad years ago".
Now as of this year, (June) I am now hearing that when she came to the hospital the police had told her that I fell down the stairs, so that she wouldn't be upset. This actually is a new one, in June, I heard that I threw myself down the stairs so that I could have him arrested for DV.
This story had changed since my son asked my daughter about this, about throwing myself down the stairs, because it's better to have authority back up your story.
I left 12/31/2008. After I left, my ex turned all his attention to the kids, but in a good way. He became the father that they never had.
I'm actually afraid of other lies that were told about me that I haven't heard yet. I know I can't do anything about them.
I also realize that I am putting my son in the middle of this, and I don't want to. If he says that he believes me, then he is saying he doesn't believe his sister.
So I am trying to deal with this, I just don't know how. I was in an abusive relationship, and now it's like it was all turned around and that I was the abusive person.
I really don't know how to deal with this.
I spent 4 years from 2004 to 2008 practically living in the garage and sleeping in the car to avoid being in the way of his rage and silent treatments. Another 6 years of on and off with my kids.
Sometimes I wish that my kids would just continue to give me the silent treatment, instead of letting me know that they will forgive me for the things that I really didn't do.
amy
I am following RedAtlanta's advice. I am leaving this alone.
Guess that is why I am still posting. I remember the night I was in the ER. I don't know how they got my youngest daughters phone number. I certainly didn't give it to them. They called her to let her know that I was in the hospital, and that I was being kept for tests and observations. My ex had punched me in the head, and I had called 911.
I was there already for at least 2 hours before my daughter showed up. She walked in, looked at me, and said, "I told you, you should have left Dad years ago".
Now as of this year, (June) I am now hearing that when she came to the hospital the police had told her that I fell down the stairs, so that she wouldn't be upset. This actually is a new one, in June, I heard that I threw myself down the stairs so that I could have him arrested for DV.
This story had changed since my son asked my daughter about this, about throwing myself down the stairs, because it's better to have authority back up your story.
I left 12/31/2008. After I left, my ex turned all his attention to the kids, but in a good way. He became the father that they never had.
I'm actually afraid of other lies that were told about me that I haven't heard yet. I know I can't do anything about them.
I also realize that I am putting my son in the middle of this, and I don't want to. If he says that he believes me, then he is saying he doesn't believe his sister.
So I am trying to deal with this, I just don't know how. I was in an abusive relationship, and now it's like it was all turned around and that I was the abusive person.
I really don't know how to deal with this.
I spent 4 years from 2004 to 2008 practically living in the garage and sleeping in the car to avoid being in the way of his rage and silent treatments. Another 6 years of on and off with my kids.
Sometimes I wish that my kids would just continue to give me the silent treatment, instead of letting me know that they will forgive me for the things that I really didn't do.
amy
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Amy, you seem to be a bit stuck in circular thinking and ruminating. that is something i recognize well.
this started simply enough, your son invited you to T-day dinner.........but then what happened? and why did you feel the need to ask your son again if he believed you about what happened? i believe your son is very much trying to stay in the PRESENT and have a relationship with you in the PRESENT, but you seem to keep making it about the past.
My kids just want to move on and forgive me for all of the things that I did. Thing is, I didn't do them.
i think you have this half right....your kids do want to just move on, move forward, but i think you are the only one making this about forgiving for past transgressions, real or imagined.
do you remember with your son's wedding and how you kept making it a bigger larger deal and that threatened to kind of wreck the whole thing?
keep it simple hon. he asked you to DINNER, not confession.
this started simply enough, your son invited you to T-day dinner.........but then what happened? and why did you feel the need to ask your son again if he believed you about what happened? i believe your son is very much trying to stay in the PRESENT and have a relationship with you in the PRESENT, but you seem to keep making it about the past.
My kids just want to move on and forgive me for all of the things that I did. Thing is, I didn't do them.
i think you have this half right....your kids do want to just move on, move forward, but i think you are the only one making this about forgiving for past transgressions, real or imagined.
do you remember with your son's wedding and how you kept making it a bigger larger deal and that threatened to kind of wreck the whole thing?
keep it simple hon. he asked you to DINNER, not confession.
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Anvil, you are correct. I do have circular thinking. It's something that I have not been able to break free from. I also think that I JADE a lot. (JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain.) I need to learn how to stop doing this.
Re: my son's wedding though, I did not try to destroy that. I actually begged my mom and sister to go, even when I was uninvited.
The rest of your post, I do agree with, and I do thank you for it. It was a wake-up call for me. I needed that, and that is why I trust SR.
I don't know what I am doing, and I don't know how to handle being told that was reality was all wrong. What I mean by that is that I know there were no police there 2 hours after I was admitted that would say that I fell down the stairs.
There was some more that went on here. My youngest daughter was asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding was supposed to be next year. My niece (the one who is getting married, found a terrific place, but it was within 3 months). My niece also wanted to do a destination bachorelette party. I wanted my daughter to be able to go to this, and I knew she was a little short on money, since 2 roommates just moved out. I called her, she didn't answer, so I just left her a message that I could either give or loan her the money so she could go. I was then told not to call her and that she will only communicate with me through email. I really don't see what I did wrong there. I have kept this to myself.
Dinner, (Thanksgiving) with my son wasn't really the trigger. I wanted to do that. I wasn't invited to any for 6 years. I tried my best to figure out how to do this.
I'm thinking though now, that perhaps that was the trigger. I have my own new traditions. I spend my holidays with my friends. I was actually happy with that. This way no expectations meant no disappointments. All of my disagreements and fights were about holidays. I can see that I don't want to expose myself to that.
I think I have "fleas". Meaning when you live with someone long enough who most likely had BPD, you start to act the same way. I think I was pushing away, so that I won't feel hurt next year, or next holiday.
I do appreciate the comments, it makes me think, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
amy
Re: my son's wedding though, I did not try to destroy that. I actually begged my mom and sister to go, even when I was uninvited.
The rest of your post, I do agree with, and I do thank you for it. It was a wake-up call for me. I needed that, and that is why I trust SR.
I don't know what I am doing, and I don't know how to handle being told that was reality was all wrong. What I mean by that is that I know there were no police there 2 hours after I was admitted that would say that I fell down the stairs.
There was some more that went on here. My youngest daughter was asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding was supposed to be next year. My niece (the one who is getting married, found a terrific place, but it was within 3 months). My niece also wanted to do a destination bachorelette party. I wanted my daughter to be able to go to this, and I knew she was a little short on money, since 2 roommates just moved out. I called her, she didn't answer, so I just left her a message that I could either give or loan her the money so she could go. I was then told not to call her and that she will only communicate with me through email. I really don't see what I did wrong there. I have kept this to myself.
Dinner, (Thanksgiving) with my son wasn't really the trigger. I wanted to do that. I wasn't invited to any for 6 years. I tried my best to figure out how to do this.
I'm thinking though now, that perhaps that was the trigger. I have my own new traditions. I spend my holidays with my friends. I was actually happy with that. This way no expectations meant no disappointments. All of my disagreements and fights were about holidays. I can see that I don't want to expose myself to that.
I think I have "fleas". Meaning when you live with someone long enough who most likely had BPD, you start to act the same way. I think I was pushing away, so that I won't feel hurt next year, or next holiday.
I do appreciate the comments, it makes me think, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
amy
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i know you did not try to ruin your son's wedding, but it kept becoming a bigger and bigger deal for you that started to get out of control. like too much soap in the washing machine.
regarding your younger daughter, did she ASK you for financial help, or did you just assume that she NEEDED money and inserted yourself in HER plans, without being asked. everybody has different boundaries....and you know how often we say HERE, Wait to be asked, THEN Decide.
I really think you have to lay down the burden of the "he said, she said" clutter from 2008. whatever your daughter or anyone thinks about any situation, it belongs to THEM. but going over and over it, dredging up, making it a part of your NOW just makes it more difficult to have meaningful CURRENT relationships.
I'm not a big religious person, nor known for my Bible knowledge, but right now the phrase from Psalms 46 comes to mind: Be Still, and know that I am God.
and Matthew 6:25-26: Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
I like to see the above as some Power Greater than I telling me, HEY, you down there, wouldya just chill a bit? I GOT this!
regarding your younger daughter, did she ASK you for financial help, or did you just assume that she NEEDED money and inserted yourself in HER plans, without being asked. everybody has different boundaries....and you know how often we say HERE, Wait to be asked, THEN Decide.
I really think you have to lay down the burden of the "he said, she said" clutter from 2008. whatever your daughter or anyone thinks about any situation, it belongs to THEM. but going over and over it, dredging up, making it a part of your NOW just makes it more difficult to have meaningful CURRENT relationships.
I'm not a big religious person, nor known for my Bible knowledge, but right now the phrase from Psalms 46 comes to mind: Be Still, and know that I am God.
and Matthew 6:25-26: Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
I like to see the above as some Power Greater than I telling me, HEY, you down there, wouldya just chill a bit? I GOT this!
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Amy, you have been amazingly open about your inner torments, surrounding your family issues and those about your former husband. I know that you had some brief interactions with a psychiatrist right after the issue of your hospitalization...... (that is pretty standard operating procedure).
You endured years of torturous abuse.....that leaves remnants on the person on the receiving end.....Fears, guilt, anxiety, depression Panic attacks, PTSD,....
Have you ever considered undertaking therapy with a therapist who has experience with abuse......or, a support group made up of abuse survivors?
If you have considered it...do you have any aversion to doing so......
I can't help but thing that it would help to bring you some healing and comfort....
Being comfortable and happy down deep in your soul is worth more than gold....
dandylion
You endured years of torturous abuse.....that leaves remnants on the person on the receiving end.....Fears, guilt, anxiety, depression Panic attacks, PTSD,....
Have you ever considered undertaking therapy with a therapist who has experience with abuse......or, a support group made up of abuse survivors?
If you have considered it...do you have any aversion to doing so......
I can't help but thing that it would help to bring you some healing and comfort....
Being comfortable and happy down deep in your soul is worth more than gold....
dandylion
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I don't have a therapist, but this is the best therapy that I have ever had.
I have been thinking about this all day. Have to say again that I really do appreciate the blunt replies.
I realize now that I am terrified of holidays. My ex made every holiday terrible, and then I lost all of my family holidays when I left.
I can see now that because of that, I will push people away so that I can never feel that hurt again.
My son said to me that he wanted to be with me on Thanksgiving. That he would never invite his dad to his wifes family for Thanksgiving. I wasn't hearing that. All I could think about was that I had a safe place for Thanksgiving, and don't upset the apple cart here.
OK, need to do some more thinking. I do push people away out of fear.
amy
I have been thinking about this all day. Have to say again that I really do appreciate the blunt replies.
I realize now that I am terrified of holidays. My ex made every holiday terrible, and then I lost all of my family holidays when I left.
I can see now that because of that, I will push people away so that I can never feel that hurt again.
My son said to me that he wanted to be with me on Thanksgiving. That he would never invite his dad to his wifes family for Thanksgiving. I wasn't hearing that. All I could think about was that I had a safe place for Thanksgiving, and don't upset the apple cart here.
OK, need to do some more thinking. I do push people away out of fear.
amy
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Amy, you have been amazingly open about your inner torments, surrounding your family issues and those about your former husband. I know that you had some brief interactions with a psychiatrist right after the issue of your hospitalization...... (that is pretty standard operating procedure).
You endured years of torturous abuse.....that leaves remnants on the person on the receiving end.....Fears, guilt, anxiety, depression Panic attacks, PTSD,....
Have you ever considered undertaking therapy with a therapist who has experience with abuse......or, a support group made up of abuse survivors?
If you have considered it...do you have any aversion to doing so......
I can't help but thing that it would help to bring you some healing and comfort....
Being comfortable and happy down deep in your soul is worth more than gold....
dandylion
You endured years of torturous abuse.....that leaves remnants on the person on the receiving end.....Fears, guilt, anxiety, depression Panic attacks, PTSD,....
Have you ever considered undertaking therapy with a therapist who has experience with abuse......or, a support group made up of abuse survivors?
If you have considered it...do you have any aversion to doing so......
I can't help but thing that it would help to bring you some healing and comfort....
Being comfortable and happy down deep in your soul is worth more than gold....
dandylion
I have spent years with a psychiatrist and therapist. The psych really only wanted to push pills on me. Klonopin and Seroquel, also anti depressants which I could never take because of side effects. I weaned myself off of them after I thought it might be a good idea to take all of the Seroquel that I had. I didn't do that. I called 911 on myself.
What I was prescribed was not a high dosage. It was .05 on Klonopin, and 50 mgs on the Seroquel. Psych wanted me to take 100mgs on Seroquel, but that rendered me to where I couldn't even walk.
I have been diagnosed with c-ptsd, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, situational depression. I really thought that when I got out that things would be a lot better for me. I know that hypervigilence has stayed with me, and also what could be described at at time paranoia, which is really a feeling of wanting justice. These are the two that I am really trying to work on.
My therapist, don't know what to say about that. Had one that was an abuse specialist. She wanted me to change my thinking about living in the basement or garage as a room, instead of me thinking that it was a place to hide out in.
I went to his therapist also. They were the ones that validated me. That's why we had to stop going to them. One said he had the emotional IQ of a 7 year old, and that if he would really work with that therapist, he might be able to increase that by 5 years, and asked me if I would be OK with that.
I don't know how I would feel about going to a therapist again. The best advice I ever got was from here. Therapist like to agree with you and validate you. I don't want that. I want the truth. It took me a really long time to say that. I went to therapy from 2004 - 2011. It only gave me validation for what I was feeling. I wasn't being given the truth about how I was acting.
It allowed me to wallow in self pity, and it gave me pills so I don't feel the pain.
I am not against therapy, it wasn't working for me.
I think you all know that I am against harsh blunt truths, I think I really only mean that for newcomers. I'm not a newcomer, and I do appreciate that now.
amy
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amy......I was actually thinking more along the lines of a group type therapy....run by an experienced woman in the abuse field, of course.
You don't have to take any medicine that you don't want to.
dandylion
You don't have to take any medicine that you don't want to.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
amy......I was actually thinking more along the lines of a group type therapy....run by an experienced woman in the abuse field, of course.
You don't have to take any medicine that you don't want to.
dandylion
You don't have to take any medicine that you don't want to.
dandylion
I know that my head isn't right, and I don't want anyone telling me that it is. I do think that is what I would get in therapy.
I actually do appreciate everyone that will
. I may not have been able to listen before, but I am now. amy
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I've been in therapy for over a decade, so have had a range of experiences. I've been lucky to have a few really great therapists, and one of the things I most appreciated about them was their ability to gauge when I needed affirmation and when I needed a kick in the pants. I think we probably all need a little of both.
I've found also that sometimes I took away from therapy what I was open to hearing. My denial is sometimes powerful enough that I can just tune out suggestions for change, or figure out a reason why the suggestions aren't really suitable for me, all the while telling myself that I'm completely open to suggestions!
I'm sure there are therapists out there who are pure coddlers, too. It might be a matter of shopping around, or of telling a therapist that you want to be challenged a little.
I've found also that sometimes I took away from therapy what I was open to hearing. My denial is sometimes powerful enough that I can just tune out suggestions for change, or figure out a reason why the suggestions aren't really suitable for me, all the while telling myself that I'm completely open to suggestions!
I'm sure there are therapists out there who are pure coddlers, too. It might be a matter of shopping around, or of telling a therapist that you want to be challenged a little.
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Another terrific input. Thank you jjj.
Yes, when I was going to therapy I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I do think that they did recognize this, hence the coddling. I know that I do that here also with newcomers. It's sort of like I just want you to feel comfortable here so that you don't run away from help.
I'm still in the infantile stages of recovery, even though I have been gone for so long.
I am really learning a lot, or uncovering my eyes to a lot today.
Thank you
amy
Yes, when I was going to therapy I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I do think that they did recognize this, hence the coddling. I know that I do that here also with newcomers. It's sort of like I just want you to feel comfortable here so that you don't run away from help.
I'm still in the infantile stages of recovery, even though I have been gone for so long.
I am really learning a lot, or uncovering my eyes to a lot today.
Thank you
amy
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What I have learned today, and what I can see today, is that my son was always with me. I was pushing him away.
It was like I felt safe with him, as he felt safe with me, and that we could vent on each other. That was never right on my part.
I know there is a lot of healing to be done, but it can't be on my agenda. I don't say that sarcastically. I say that because that is how much my children mean to me.
Going back to think some more.
amy
It was like I felt safe with him, as he felt safe with me, and that we could vent on each other. That was never right on my part.
I know there is a lot of healing to be done, but it can't be on my agenda. I don't say that sarcastically. I say that because that is how much my children mean to me.
Going back to think some more.
amy
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There was something that I really needed to talk about but was too embarrassed to do it. My oldest daughter came to visit me in August. She told me that my grandsons ages 8 and 10 needed periodontal work and caps. Told me that she never had them to the dentist till this year because her H wouldn't allow it. He said kids don't need a dentist. She told me that she can't take them this year because he (her H) is having problems with the dental health care provider. I was told they pay $1700 a month for this, but because of Obamacare that the $1700 is being sent back, and they are also sent an additional $1700. He pockets the money, says that he keeps calling the insurance company and no one does anything. Says the kids can't get the dental work now because insurance won't pay for it. Says he will get a better plan for next year and they can get the work then.
Note: Father does not work, even though he is capable of earning $200,000. a year. He gambles.
I wasn't born yesterday. I don't buy this, but there is nothing I can do about this. I can't even call CPS. I was already accused of this when I didn't even do anything.
Another thing that I have had a problem with. OK, with my daughter telling me about the dental work that they would need, I did notice that not once did they brush their teeth while visiting me. It was 2 nights. Other then that, she still has the older one sleeping with her every night, telling him that she may die during the night, and that his father wouldn't care, and that she may need someone to get her meds for her so she doesn't die.
I don't know what to do with this. If I tell someone I am then given the silent treatment. If I call CPS, then that's even worse. Then I am cut off and don't know anything.
amy
Note: Father does not work, even though he is capable of earning $200,000. a year. He gambles.
I wasn't born yesterday. I don't buy this, but there is nothing I can do about this. I can't even call CPS. I was already accused of this when I didn't even do anything.
Another thing that I have had a problem with. OK, with my daughter telling me about the dental work that they would need, I did notice that not once did they brush their teeth while visiting me. It was 2 nights. Other then that, she still has the older one sleeping with her every night, telling him that she may die during the night, and that his father wouldn't care, and that she may need someone to get her meds for her so she doesn't die.
I don't know what to do with this. If I tell someone I am then given the silent treatment. If I call CPS, then that's even worse. Then I am cut off and don't know anything.
amy
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