JustAnotherDay

Why do I still always care if my boundaries and personal choose make AB unhappy?? Maybe I'm so used to walking on eggshells. Maybe I still care about his feelings, though we all know he's neglected mine for some time. Even after a year plus of practice I still find myself wanting to apologize for or fix everything. It's engrained!!

AB is UPSET I followed thru and filed the eviction notice. Wants to feed me the same tired crap that he wants this to work, is tired of living this way, wants kids/marriage. All while holding a beer of course! But at the same time wants to know if I'll close his business, have sex with him, etc. I guess at least he's made it clear he is still looking out for #1 and has no intention of fixing anything.

I'm just trying to steer clear of him. He is keeping me up at night, ringing the door bell until 1 or 2am (I have dogs so you can imagine), name calling, slamming doors, on and on. But I have to stick out the time for the eviction with him here and I know he's just going to get more and more upset and angry. I don't know if I can live with it or how to handle it. How can I keep my sanity while waiting for this to be over? He hasn't physically hurt me so I can't have him removed or get a TPO. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to start feeling bad for my decision seeing him upset and helpless (all his own decisions I know). His sister is going to have brain surgery in a week or so and as any alcoholic, he can't handle the magnitude of life's problems and stresses. So now he is using THAT as an excuse.

I'm just tired. I want to sleep at night without being called a ***** or being made fun of for my outfit. I don't want to feel a clenching in my chest as I pull into my neighborhood. Ive tried this past year to see and do things with my friends or family instead of things with him because he's always drinking or drunk. But then Im just ridiculed or called names because I don't include him. I want to get my life back!

JustAnotherDay

And thank you all for your posts and guidance (even if not given to me directly) it's what's getting me through right now and giving me the strength to make decisions where my heart tries to tell me otherwise.

AnvilheadII

i think you "care" because of how HE is acting....he is punishing you for upholding your boundaries, and there is a strong desire to give in , quit rocking the boat and return to some type of peace it's like a toddler throwing a screaming meemie fit in the grocery store.....it is "easier" to just hand them the box of cookies, or the toy or whatever it is that will shut them up.

he is NOT helpless. he is just pitching a fit because he's not getting his way. what a jerk. you will soon be rid of him. keep your eye on the prize. do NOT feel sorry for him whatsoever....this is after all a grown man. acting like a 2 yr old. how pathetic is that?

Jaeger

KNOW that you are strong and that you are worth the fight! You can do this. Can you go somewhere for a night to get some rest? To recharge your batteries? Have you tried Al-Anon? It helps me so much.

JustAnotherDay

I have been to ALANON for a few months but I was feeling like I should just continue to live with it and learn to deal. Most of the people in the group are older adults who have been with alcoholic partners (or have alcohol children) for 20 or 30 years. I'm not looking to stay in this situation for that long haha. I did get a sense of peace but they just didn't give me the insight and will power to rid myself of the problem like reading all these posts.

And I wish I could get out. I just spend every dollar on making all the bills. I wish a vacation was an option though!

I'm just angry and I don't want to be angry anymore.

SparkleKitty

Feelings aren't facts. You're learning to change learned behaviors like people-pleasing and accepting unacceptable behavior. It is uncomfortable to change. But being uncomfortable never killed anyone. It is just a stage in the process of recovery, one you HAVE to move through in order to move on

Stay strong JAD. You deserve better.

Jaeger

I understand the feeling of not relating. In my own situation, I was the only one living with active alcoholism so I felt the same. As I continue to go I realize though that the feelings and a lot of the behaviors are the same. I had a huge lightbulb moment about a month ago that made me realize so many of my codependent behaviors were with me well before I met my alcoholic. For this reason, whether my RAH stays sober, my AS seeks recovery, I myself need to work on recovery for myself. Have you tried other meetings? They are all so different. You can do this!

Pia

I applaud you for sticking to your boundary. You deserve peace in your own home. I highly suggest calling the police maybe ask for a peace officer that will definitely stop him from ringing the door bell at 2am and he will know you are serious. Things don't change if there is no change. Keep focusing on you.

JustAnotherDay

I live in a nearly rural suburb so the meetings are limited unless I want to drive 30 miles. So I'm sorta be stuck with these ladies if I choose to go lol. But honestly, I get a lot more from the discussions here.

I am trying to stay strong in my conviction to him leaving. He is still angry tonight but upon learning earlier today about some business/financial things he didn't address with regards to his business (and I am the "owner") that I now have to officially close it up he is angry at himself. He is upset but it all came about because of his excessive spending on alcohol and not tending to his responsibilities. And that I didn't clean up his messes this time. So as I read in my bedroom I hear him ranting to himself, as he often does, now about how he finally drank it away! He's lost it all to alcohol! He's totally f$&%ed! Blah blah blah. But I can also hear him going to the fridge over and over. So must not have sank in too much huh?

So, maybe everything coming to a head will wake him up and save his life. I've decided I can't take him back even if he is sobered up for a year, 2 years, whatever. I just don't like him as a person anymore. His true colors shine through far brighter (and more painful) when he's drunk.

Thank you all. It's going to be a really, really tough week. Expect to see me here everyday.

JustAnotherDay

So the eviction is in process and of course he isnt happy that the time is ticking.

But he wants to continue to drink all day and when I get home from work want to ACT like he wants things to be better.
"Ohh I want to have kids with you"
" I wish you'd have something to do with me"
"I love you, I know I screwed it all up"
" I wish we could work things out"
"You dont understand my feelings"
"Will you have ever be with me again?"

Finally, after a few days of that - I finally had had enough. I just told him to Stop. Quit with the pity party ********, he chose alcohol everyday and Ive let him know my feelings on it for 1.5 years. I was tired of living like this and I didnt want to hear it.

What do I say to him? Im trying to avoid conflict (as usual) and just steer clear but now that he knows he has to leave, he wants to come forth from the garage and harass me by "being nice". Which is totally annoying when its a completely drunk person.

I need some good advice on how to handle this nightmare until its finally over.

Sigh.

minime13

Just avoid him - you've made your decision and he'll have to be gone in a certain number of days.

If you're at home, go to your room and lock him out If he starts beating at you door, that's a threat to you. You don't have to be hit to be abused and you don't have to be hit to get a TPO.

It may be a good idea to call a women's domestic violence hotline or shelter to see exactly what those options are. Ringing your door and keeping you up are acts of harrassment and intimidation. I'm not sure that doesn't count to get an order to keep him away.

The first I would do would be to check on that to see if there is something you can do to keep him out of your home, legally.

If there isn't really enough there to grant that, then just stay away from him. Find things to do outside of the house. The meetings 30 miles away have to be better than hanging out at home around him, right?

JustAnotherDay

At this point, eating glass is better than hearing this same tired crap.

minime13

How long does he have to vacate? I would suggest getting a calendar and planner and physically plan those days out for yourself. Look at it as your own moving - you are moving him out of your mind. Plan every day and make a specific schedule for this time, and make sure you close in your own personal time and take steps to mentally move him out of your thoughts.

Even if you do find some empty time where you're sitting at home and he's walking about in a drunken tirade, it could be helpful to make note in your planner - those actions will be moved out on this certain date.

It may seem like a silly exercise, but just with any planning, packing and moving, you organize, sort, and box everything up so they can be moved out. You double-check to make sure everything is packed, and nothing is left behind. You can do this mentally with anything he's been throwing at you right now, so that when he's finally out, he's out.

JustAnotherDay

I'm trying to stay busy and giving myself plans. Going to the gym and walking the dogs just to be out of the madness.

He was constantly texting me at work today and yesterday about how it wants it to work and blah blah but he's drunk by the time I get home so much for efforts lol. And honestly, it's too late for efforts anyway. I'm too hurt and he's too consumed to even consider it.

Of course, when I don't give in to his promises he lashes out and resorts to things I do wrong (hat list is to long to even begin, I'm so evil ya know). And that just makes the count down seem even longer. He had 7 days to get out or file for a court date, it's up in a few days. He plans on requesting a 21 day extension. Lovely. But maybe like everything else in his life he'll blow the deadline because he's too drunk to drive. The only GOOD thing about his personality is since his second DUI he won't get in the truck even if he's had 1 beer. Thankfully, because at least no one else's life is at risk.

But I keep thinking of the song... ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!

Recovering2

Don't listen to what they say.....watch what they do. He is talking a lot of talk in the hopes of pulling you back in. But his behavior isn't changing. The biggest thing for you is to DETACH. You can be calm, nice, sweet....and detached. He can rant and talk all he wants, none of that requires a response from you. Put your phone on vibrate at work, you don't need calls or texts. Don't engage in ANY conversation about the eviction. Let his time lines run out... not your problem. You are going through the hard part right now....please read through my most recent post. Sometimes the hardest, most loving thing we do is push them out.

RedManc7

Sounds like a headwreck, proper head wrecker dealing with this. Sounds like he thinks he can hook into you through the words he uses & what they mean to you (sincere thoughts about kids etc) when it seems they are just empty words in his mind.

If Values generate attitudes and attitudes are reflected in behaviour then regardless of the words it's the actions that speak loudest and reflect someone's attitude and values. When I got addicted to heroin it was a reflection of my values coming to bite me - taking drugs was more Important than my relationships & other things like my health and financial position. That all came home to roost when I started playing around with heroin which slowly embedded itself in my life & then addiction came quickly after. I only gave up when I finally decided that other things were more Important.

Guess what I'm trying to say is if you look at the behaviour then what does it indicate about attitudes and values. Ignore the smokescreen words. Good luck.

MUFC/ICJ

JustAnotherDay

Thank you all. Thats exactly what he is doing. Trying to reel me back in, using the same ol tired crap that he's used (and sometimes successfully) for the last 4 years.

But what makes me so angry and ruins my 'calm' state is when he starts into things like, "well you arent perfect you know" "we've both made mistakes", etc. It just makes me so mad because I know that I havent done anything "wrong", sure Ive made mistakes but even though he's been drinking all this time, i would still try to apologize and make it up to him in some fashion if I got angry and let my codependent behavior loose. But, if anything, I should apologize to myself for not loving myself enough, for giving in to his spoiled rotten behaviors, letting myself get walked all over etc. I work/ed so hard to keep a clean house, keep food on the table, have all the bills paid and plan vacations, buy nice things, always have things taken care while he did NOTHING but yet he can now sit there and tell me all my "mistakes" and doesnt really seem to believe any of his behavior warrants any apology. Ive only gotten a handful of half hearted apologies in this time from him when he was drinking. But clearly, they dont mean much, since he continues to repeat the insanity.

I dont EXPECT an apology by any means! But it really pisses me off that he can act like this. Dont minimize your consistent screw ups by pointing out that time I got angry at home and yelled at you. Just doesnt make sense. But nothing in this rollercoaster really is I suppose.

SparkleKitty

Dandylion has occasionally advised folks to imagine a big "S" on the addict's forehead when they are doing and saying things that frustrate you. "S" is for sick.

He is acting out of desperation. Please do not expect him to behave like a rational or fair human being. If you can let go of that expectation, and accept him for who he is right now -- sick, desperate, addicted, and losing his status quo -- you will find detachment from ALL of his behaviors that much easier.

JustAnotherDay

I know, its so hard to expect to not be treated better. I dont know how I got myself here and this was all made normal for me. It really hurts me too. I dont show it all the time, especially to him, but Im hurting. Im crying. Im depressed. Its like he's dying. I cant stop thinking about how he is killing himself and i love t he real him. Im having to deal with that but he thinks Im happy about it. Im broken because Ive spent a lot of time in this and its losing something I loved. Im not ok but he thinks Im ready for him to leave so I can party

SparkleKitty

For me, those feelings came from a place of not being able to self-validate. I had spent my entire life looking to other people for happiness, security, and love. When I became involved with an alcoholic, all of my issues were multiplied exponentially, and here I had chosen someone who was not capable of fulfilling those needs for me. It's what brought me to the conclusion that I needed to be able to validate myself, to make myself happy, and to love myself first.