He doesn't accept that his drinking has affected the kids
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
He doesn't accept that his drinking has affected the kids
So had to speak to stbxah today about DD and DS. DD isn't stbxah biological dad and dear son asked me about it last night as he had apparently seen in a letter at his dad's that he referred to her as his step daughter. So the 3 of us sat down last night and spoke about it. DS should have known a long time ago but I suppose it wasn't something I thought about.
Anyway, I told stbxah that he now knew, and that we had sat and spoke about it and everything was OK! Well the uproar and how we all didn't sit down and talk about it, how we should have told him together and why was DS lying about a letter and how this could affect his relationship with the kids!!
Anyway I didn't get into his rant with him and he later texted and thanked me for explaining to the kids and how much he appreciates it. I then received another text about how the kids meant everything to him and how letting him be DD dad was one of the best things that I ever done for him among other things and how she's her life and how he is always there for his kids but f**ked up with me!!!
I got angry and replied that he had messed up with the kids how he chose alcohol over them aswell, to which he said that drink will never come between him and his kids and again how he f**ked up with me!!!! My temper and frustration was rising and I told him that it already had that he left to drink that he chose drink over the kids and whether he wants to accepts that or not that is the reality! Of course what do you think he said, he doesn't accept that and while he may not be at home he is always there for his kids it's me he let down and how he has to deal with that!! I didn't reply
I know I shouldn't have gotten into it with him, it's up to him to acknowledge who his choices have affected and I'm annoyed that I let myself be triggered and get into an argument with an alcoholic who doesn't view his drinking as a problem and that I tried to get him to see how the kids were affected!!
If I'm honest his comments about messing up with me did make me think oh he's regretting his decisions but you know what I didn't allow myself to dwell on that too long, because if he was he would be doing something about it but also I realised its too late for our marriage, it should have ended many years ago. I am sad however that he doesn't realise how his drinking is affecting his kids, but that's up to him and not for me to deal with or try and convince him other wise. My focus is me and my kids and that's it!!
Sorry for the rant.
Anyway, I told stbxah that he now knew, and that we had sat and spoke about it and everything was OK! Well the uproar and how we all didn't sit down and talk about it, how we should have told him together and why was DS lying about a letter and how this could affect his relationship with the kids!!
Anyway I didn't get into his rant with him and he later texted and thanked me for explaining to the kids and how much he appreciates it. I then received another text about how the kids meant everything to him and how letting him be DD dad was one of the best things that I ever done for him among other things and how she's her life and how he is always there for his kids but f**ked up with me!!!
I got angry and replied that he had messed up with the kids how he chose alcohol over them aswell, to which he said that drink will never come between him and his kids and again how he f**ked up with me!!!! My temper and frustration was rising and I told him that it already had that he left to drink that he chose drink over the kids and whether he wants to accepts that or not that is the reality! Of course what do you think he said, he doesn't accept that and while he may not be at home he is always there for his kids it's me he let down and how he has to deal with that!! I didn't reply
I know I shouldn't have gotten into it with him, it's up to him to acknowledge who his choices have affected and I'm annoyed that I let myself be triggered and get into an argument with an alcoholic who doesn't view his drinking as a problem and that I tried to get him to see how the kids were affected!!
If I'm honest his comments about messing up with me did make me think oh he's regretting his decisions but you know what I didn't allow myself to dwell on that too long, because if he was he would be doing something about it but also I realised its too late for our marriage, it should have ended many years ago. I am sad however that he doesn't realise how his drinking is affecting his kids, but that's up to him and not for me to deal with or try and convince him other wise. My focus is me and my kids and that's it!!
Sorry for the rant.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B-
Its so funny "us" codies trying to make the A understand what they had done to us and the kids. Its crazy and I still do it also!!
I dealt with this a couple weeks ago with my X. DD needed money for college graduation. She asks and he tells her that he gave me extra. Really, is there ever "extra" when it comes to a child. Finally he relents, we text back in forth that he is f'n up with his relationship with his kids. He responds its not all my fault, but I will try harder. Wow!!
When will it ever be the A's fault? When do they ever take responsibility for anything? I guess only in long time sobriety do they own their damage. Hugs Butterfly, we do the best we can at the time!!
Its so funny "us" codies trying to make the A understand what they had done to us and the kids. Its crazy and I still do it also!!
I dealt with this a couple weeks ago with my X. DD needed money for college graduation. She asks and he tells her that he gave me extra. Really, is there ever "extra" when it comes to a child. Finally he relents, we text back in forth that he is f'n up with his relationship with his kids. He responds its not all my fault, but I will try harder. Wow!!
When will it ever be the A's fault? When do they ever take responsibility for anything? I guess only in long time sobriety do they own their damage. Hugs Butterfly, we do the best we can at the time!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yes-part of our crazy, our part in all of this, is the relentless need to make them see....can't they just SEE?!? Nope. I gave up on hoping my ex will ever see...I pray for him daily but do not wait for the day that he will see-bc he just doesnt. God can open his eyes-and I am not God-although I sure as heck tried to be for a while. That's on me as well-the whole control, lecture, etc. I will never be that person again-this experience has changed me for the better-with a softer heart, strong will and boundaries that are tough as nails. I no longer have the need to make him see-that's between him and God.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FOG-
I just posted this at my desk and read it daily!! I love this, and it take the burden off of me, trying to have my X see the "light"!!
"God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every drunk on the planet, who cries out for his help."
This is another awesome quote from my people at SR!!
I just posted this at my desk and read it daily!! I love this, and it take the burden off of me, trying to have my X see the "light"!!
"God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every drunk on the planet, who cries out for his help."
This is another awesome quote from my people at SR!!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 71
Oh this also drives me mad I have done nothing to hurt dd. Oh really... that is one argument that really heats me up also! But as I am sure we all know well we may aswell be banging our heads off the wall trying to get our AH's to see that one 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I have not yet had a full-on confrontation with STBXAH about how his behavior has impacted our son. During our last couple of months in the same house he made passive aggressive comments about how my daughters hate him (DUH!), but still very obviously believes he is God's gift to fatherhood where our son is concerned. Lately he has been making random comments about how if our son misses him, it's my fault because I'm the one who left. *eyeroll*
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Yikes. Flashback.
When they're in it, they dont' get it.
The first time that I actually was going through my own personal rough patch, when I needed to have my ex there for me as a partner, he could not be bothered to do something as simple as reach out by phone to talk to me for a few moments. He was out partying with friends and sent a text about how he loved me and would do anything for me and will always be there for me when I need him and don't I know that? Of course when I responsed that this was one of those times, he couldn't be bothered. I got him at the end of the night, drunk as can be, four or five hours later. And by then he was tired and didn't have a lot of time because he needed to sleep (or, rather, pass out).
You can literally scream at them that, no they are not there. But they won't get it.
Just like the addiction - they won't stop until they do. They don't get it until they do, but that only comes with sobriety.
When they're in it, they dont' get it.
The first time that I actually was going through my own personal rough patch, when I needed to have my ex there for me as a partner, he could not be bothered to do something as simple as reach out by phone to talk to me for a few moments. He was out partying with friends and sent a text about how he loved me and would do anything for me and will always be there for me when I need him and don't I know that? Of course when I responsed that this was one of those times, he couldn't be bothered. I got him at the end of the night, drunk as can be, four or five hours later. And by then he was tired and didn't have a lot of time because he needed to sleep (or, rather, pass out).
You can literally scream at them that, no they are not there. But they won't get it.
Just like the addiction - they won't stop until they do. They don't get it until they do, but that only comes with sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 71
Yip Wisconsin it is also my fault that dd does not want to go with AH as apparently i'm in her ear (eye roll) she is 4. And of course this hasn't affected her in anyway... the only difference to dd is that AH is not living at home anymore... and the rest that went on before he left... again
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Girl....it is so hard NOT to be triggered. I am still triggered all the time by my XAH. You know what, it just lasts a much shorter time. I usto let that trigger guide my day, my mood, my anger, how I would treat myself, and how I would treat others. Now, I am able to recognize it for what it is and just move forward. I know better than to put the focus on him or anything that comes out of his mouth, and you know the same.
Many hugs to you. I think you are doing quite well!
Many hugs to you. I think you are doing quite well!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone. I was so angry and frustrated last night that he couldn't see how his actions have impacted on the kids, I could actually feel it bubbling underneath along with the hope that he was regretting his decision about us. Instead of stewing I went to an alanon meeting, one I'd never went to before but I knew I needed to go. It really helped, a lot of recovery in the group and a lot of what the members said really hit home, it was like are you talking about me lol.
I didn't keep the conversation going with stbxah after I said my bit and he refused to accept it I didn't keep trying, he doesn't want to see it but that's his problem not mine.
I didn't keep the conversation going with stbxah after I said my bit and he refused to accept it I didn't keep trying, he doesn't want to see it but that's his problem not mine.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't believe in telling the alcoholic that he ****** up because I know they don't care. Better to put the focus on the kids directly and help them heal. The disease runs in families, most people who are alcoholics were around them as kids.
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