ad0117

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years. Actually, it’s hard to tell exactly how long because we never officially broke up. We were best friends and talked often about our future together. He had even asked my Dad if he could marry me. My Dad passed away last summer after a long battle with Parkinson's disease and after the funeral, my boyfriend began to withdraw from everyone he loves. He also has bipolar disorder and was not being treated at the time. He was coping with everything by drinking from the time he got home from work to the time he went back. He and I talked on the phone or texted each other every couple weeks, but didn't see each other. He said he loved me and missed me, but he didn't want me to see him like that. I was angry at first, but realized he just needed time and space. I knew he needed help, but he had to save himself. He did eventually check himself into rehab after he got fired from his job. He said he had lost everything – me and his job – and he needed help. He wrote me a letter while in rehab saying I was the love of his life and his best friend. He said he felt so ashamed and guilty for what he put me through. He promised to make things right with me and he was going to do everything in his power to deserve my love. I thought he wanted to try again and I was more than willing to do so. After all, he was also the love of my life and I had missed him and loved him every day since the last time we saw each other. When he got out of rehab in early April, he and I texted each other saying we missed each other and were planning on a day to get together. He told me he had moved into a sober house and was going to stay there until he felt ready. He texted me everyday for that first week and then suddenly stopped communicating with me. I reached out to him a couple times with no response. Then, a few weeks later, he posted a picture on Facebook of him and another girl. I was devastated and heartbroken – and still am. I’ve been trying to contact him ever since and he will not answer me. His parents have not seen him in months and barely hear from him. He responds shortly to their texts and offers no information. I recently discovered that he is now living with the girl in his picture. They began dating right after he got out of rehab and are already living together! How could he write me those things in his letter and a few weeks later be with someone else? It makes no sense to me! And why couldn’t he just talk to me before he published the picture on social media? Our relationship meant more than this and I just want to be able to sit down with him and talk. I realize that we may never be together again, but I will always love him. I have great concern for his well-being right now. I think he’s replacing his addiction with her when he should be focusing on himself. Any thoughts or insight into what is happening here? Is there anything I can do to get through to him?

nutmeg713

I have no insight to offer on why he made those choices. I just know it hurts like nothing else.

((((Hugs)))) to you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

SeriousKarma

Hi ad0117, and welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

I'm also sorry you've found yourself in this confusing situation. It hurts horribly when we realize that someone we cared greatly for doesn't share the same feelings.

I pulled the quote above because I'm not sure if I fully understand the nature of your relationship. Was this infrequent communication a recent thing? Or was this the way you communicated the entire 3 years of your relationship?

Frankly, between the alcoholism, the BPD, and his lack of commitment, I suspect you're better off without him. Some people just aren't worth pursuing.

As far as your question "Is there anything I can do to get through to him?" Well, truthfully? No. And why would you want to? Let him go, and put your energy into yourself. You've gone through something very hard with your dad, and you deserve so much more than this guy is able to give you.

ad0117

Thank you. It certainly does hurt like nothing else I've ever experienced.

ad0117

Thank you. Yes, the infrequent communication was a recent thing. Most of the 3 years we were together were wonderful. Being with him were some of the happiest times of my life. His drinking got worse toward the end and so did the lack of communication. It was all around the same time that my Dad's condition started to rapidly deteriorate. He was close with my family and I think maybe he was having a hard time dealing with it. Funny, because it was my dad, right? And yes, he should have been there for me and I know I deserve better. I just miss him so much and somedays I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

CodeJob

Hello Ad,

Addicts have a way of picking up caregivers like a black coat collects lint. There's quite a few women here who have waited on their partner to get sober and then their recovering addict found someone in rehab or just out. You aren't alone and it is really hard to process that not only is it over, but there's someone new in your spot!

I'm so sorry you are grieving this relationship.

jezzebelle

Hi, people are so complex but there's something I've noticed over the years. One way some people deal with the death of someone close to them, or their partner, is to veer off in an unexpected direction and begin an affair with someone new, often someone quite inappropriate.

It's as if the finality of death is so scary that something brand new has to be created asap as a distraction from the painful grief.

I'm not excusing your partner's behaviour but sometimes it helps to know why people, especially alcoholics, do crazy things.

I sense you are struggling with deeply painful feelings .... is there any where you could access some free counselling support? It often helps to talk.

spiderqueen

I am so sorry for your pain, Ad. I strongly second the counseling suggestion. A good therapist can really help you sort through the tangled mess in your head and heart. It's an excellent way to put the focus back on you, and building a healthy happy life without active alcoholism in it. Meanwhile, keep reading and posting - there is invaluable experience and support being shared here. Glad you found us.

ad0117

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I finally heard from my ex recently through a message. He said I need to stop contacting him, it's over, and he's sorry but he has no answers. He won't even see me to have a face to face conversation. It's just all so cruel. I never was angry with him or blamed him. I simply reached out trying to find answers and to let him know I'm here if he wanted to talk. I'm still very concerned about him, especially since I know the girl he is living with takes him to bars and drinks in front of him. And he still has not talked to his parents. They didn't know he moved in with this girl or that she even existed! It's such a weird situation. He's keeping this new life a secret and running away from everyone else who cares for him. I know it's really not my business anymore, but I have such a bad feeling about what he's doing. It doesn't sound to me like he's on the right track. I pray he is not drinking again, but the temptation will be there if he's in bars with the girlfriend. I still love him even though the hurt is so overwhelming and hope someday he'll have the strength to face me. In the meantime, I need to find a way to deal with these feelings. I'm going to start seeing a counselor and try to work on myself and what makes me happy.

knowthetriggers

^^Focus on this^^ Healing and forgiving will set you free. It will take time but it is possible.

Sorry you are hurting, take care of YOU.

SparkleKitty

It didn't feel like it when I started -- I started in the middle of a life-implosion of epic proportions, and it just felt like I had no other alternatives -- but counseling was the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I'm sorry this is so painful, but counseling will really help you pull your energy and focus off of him and onto yourself, where it should be. Hugs.

redatlanta

I'm still very concerned about him, Why? Has he shown concern for you?
I know the girl he is living with takes him to bars and drinks in front of him. He is an adult
And he still has not talked to his parents He is an adult
He's keeping this new life a secret and running away from everyone else who cares for him. As is his right because, he is an adult and he can do whatever he wants.
It doesn't sound to me like he's on the right track. It sounds to me like you have very limited information about what track he is on.
I know it's really not my business anymore, Correct. Its not your business.

Look, the guy is a schmuck. People change their minds about how they feel or about what they want to do - at the very least he could have told you. He chose not to. While I would agree with you that his choice to alienate people and move so quickly is not indicative of level thinking - it could be he has chosen to distance himself from enablers. Maybe he just wanted a fresh start. I don't know.

You seem more concerned about him than you are about what he has done to you. By all accounts it should be you who is out and about having no contact with him rather than the other way around. Glad to hear you are going to see a counselor. I am sorry this has been painful for you but I feel you have dodged a bullet, and are much better off without him and his problems.

Liveitwell

^^ This!!!

emilynghiem

Dear AD if it is any comfort to you, does it help to see it as you and he did finish the stage in life you were meant to walk together. And now he needs to work on deeper parts of his issues that require walking with someone else (who knows what issues or connection he and she have, but he has a lot of work to do regardless).

And if he is not in your life at this time, that means you are either meant to focus on your process one on one, just you and your process, and not him to distract you with his issues that would overshadow yours.
OR it means as soon as you finish this part, some new friends will come into your life to walk you through the next phases, and again, if it isn't him, that means he cannot help you with that part. But maybe other people can.

You may have finished what you needed from each other,
and now things are moving forward so you can focus on yourself.

Sometimes life finds us in "time out" so we AREN'T distracted by other people's problems but ours are meant to have top priority.

So if this is your time to yourself, to work through grief or closure with your dad, or finishing off this relationship and preparing for the next, is there a way to put this in perspective where it is encouraging and not necessarily negative.

Can you take advantage of this time to really assess what memories thoughts or feelings you want to keep and which you want to get rid of, like cleaning house.

If you try using reverse psychology, and find ways to use this process to your advantage, from experience the minute you find positive ways to work with it, it speeds it up and you move on to the next stage faster.

Whatever you are going through, all stages happen in time for a reason. The anger helps us work out some thoughts. the sadness allows us to focus in a slower way. All these phases we go through are supposed to help us sort and resolve things internally.

Instead of dreading your alone time, if you can find ways to make the most of it, I find the process goes smoother.

It sounds like you have a lot to work through, so maybe taking it slowly is better, and it makes more sense to sit still, and not be busy with social relations and other people's problems when you need this time for you!

Please take care and may you find all the love and support you need to make it through all the mixed thoughts and feelings you are going through.

I went through a triple grief process, where I lost my dad, 9/11 hit, and the head of the school where I worked suddenly passed away and I had to take over the program. when I finally had time to grieve, all these things were mixed together and took shutting myself completely off from everyone and everything else to work through it.

I can tell you it helps to sit still and have nothing else going on, if you are dealing with both losing your dad and your boyfriend at the same time. If you find yourself socially in "time out" there's a reason for that, and it may help you in the longrun just to focus inward, and giving yourself unlimited time and space to sort through all this.

Take care and sorry you are grieving two things at once.
That is really tough, I sympathize, and respect what you must go through. it will pass, but may feel crazy for a while, because we are not designed to juggle that much at once. Please don't judge yourself or how long it takes before you feel back to normal. Just let the process go forward and do the best you can. Don't try to take on anything more until you feel things have settled and you have your full mind and focus back. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself as much room as you need, without conditions or deadlines attached.

it will be easier if you don't add any more pressure to yourself.

Yours truly,
Hugs and love, Emily

ad0117

Thank you, Emily. It's funny that all I've been thinking about are the good times we shared together and how much I miss him. It's so hard to let that go, especially since I can't get any explanation from him. If only he would have talked to me months ago, I wouldn't be hurting so much.

Tonight I've been feeling so angry. It's not fair that he gets to be happy and move on like nothing happened. It doesn't even seem like he has any emotion-no remorse for what he has done. He just runs further and further away the more he hurts people.

I'm struggling right now to find the good in this - why it had to end and he had to disappear from my life. I want to remember him as the person I fell in love with-the one who would never do anything to hurt me. I want to cherish these memories and find a reason why he came into my life and why he couldn't stay.

My dad was sick for several years and after he passed away, I immediately remembered him as the man he was most of his life. I didn't remember him being sick. I want to be able to always remember the ex in that way, too-not remember how much he is hurting me now. After all, it feels like he died with my dad. The only difference is that I got to say good-bye to my Dad, but I never got the chance to say good-bye to him. You'd think after three years together, he'd be able to at least say good-bye in a proper way.

I've accepted the fact there is nothing I can do now to change our situation, but I can change mine. You are absolutely right about taking as much time as I need. I feel like it's been months already that I've been grieving so much loss and maybe I'm missing out on things. Everyone is different, though, and I need to be patient and let myself heal, no matter how long it takes. I'm not going to be the one to rush into a new relationship to make me forget about him. It's about time I focused on myself. I'm making an effort starting now to be positive and get back to the person I used to be. Some days the hurt feels like it will never go away, but I will overcome this!

emilynghiem

Hi AD sounds like you have more of a sensible conscientious head on your shoulders than he does. so that's why you are going to feel all these things, while someone without that sensitivity doesn't seem affected, it may seem unfair, but in the end it's because you have more depth of feeling and understanding that you feel more pain as well. With the good advantages there are these bad disadvantages, but in the end, I can tell you, I'd rather be sensitive and feel the greater joys and the greater pains rather than not feel these things.

it hurts more right now, and I'm sorry you have to feel this pain, but it is because you are a caring person and you got hurt instead of hurting others and dumping this pain on someone else. You are not that type of person, so you end up feeling this for now.

As you forgive, the thoughts of pain and suffering will find release.
How can he accept responsibility if you are the one holding onto it for him? the more you let go, you will find peace and realize the real suffering belongs to him for what he did, not to you. your job is to let go, and let things naturally return to him, without you trying to control that.

One counselor I can cite wrote a book on framing the setbacks and injuries from others as either the "victim" approach or the "hero" approach. When we first process the blow, we go into "victim" mode to assess the damages and understand what all got hurt to what degree. After that, the clients who move into "hero" mode tend to recovery faster by seeing themselves not as the victim of other people, but as the hero that still commits to good purposes and standards "even though setbacks happened from other people."

People who see themselves as a 'hero of forgiveness" overcoming obstacles to be a better person anyway tend to heal faster.

As long as you kept your commitment, you did love the best you could in good faith, and were the best partner you could be, that is something to take credit and courage in, there is no shame in that.

Whatever he did or didn't do is his responsibility to answer for, not yours. You did the right things, or tried to, so that is what matters.

If you had a friend going through this, I'm sure you would respect your friend for doing the best they could, and you would NEVER blame your friend for whatever garbage someone else did to hurt them.

So be a friend to yourself the same way, and give yourself credit for when you do the right thing, including forgiving in the face of all this pain. That takes a big person, so when you are ready to take those steps, I hope you find that empowering, uplifting and encouraging.

The pain is natural and is going to pass through. Just know that the bigger the debts and deficit, the greater the rewards when you clear out the negatives and make room for positives to fill up that space in your life.

Keep forgiving and there is an end to the sadness and suffering that will find release when you commit to let that go and not cling to it.

Best wishes for a full recovery and a brighter future with all the good things you deserve in life. It may take time, but slow and steady also means more stable, and you want a solid foundation in order to build upon that later.

Take care, love and hugs to you from Houston
and sorry again you feel so much pain.
this too shall pass, and be replaced with even greater joys.
may this get easier and easier on you.
You really deserve the best, so all this intensified
"housecleaning" is to make room for better things to come.

Yours truly, Emily

ad0117

Hi Emily,

Thank you again for your encouraging words. You are absolutely right and it's making more sense to me now more than ever. In my attempts to reach out to him and get him to talk to me, I've only pushed him further away. Maybe if he has time to think without me contacting him, he'll be able to sort through the mess in his mind. I truly want the best for him, as I'll always care deeply for him no matter what.

Now, letting go is the most difficult part. I know what I need to do, but it's so hard to tell my heart that. I've been thinking a lot about how we had talked about our future together. I want to be married and have kids. I'm so angry with him right now because I feel like he took that from me. I'm not getting any younger and I dread having to start over with someone else. I can't even begin to think about moving on at this point because I'm still in love with him. But, when that day does come when I'm ready to move on, I can only pray I find the happiness I deserve. And I also have these bitter feelings - it's not fair that he gets to be happy with this girl and I'm the one suffering. He acts like I'm at fault when I did nothing wrong! I trust that someday this will all make sense, but the only thing I can do right now is take it one day at a time and try to do what's best for me.

Flavia2

Hello Ad,

As maddening as it is, alcoholics do the most cruel, deceptive and hurtful things without apology or emotion. There are so many posts where you see "how could he do that to me/family/child??"

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

It's not easy to start over but its a LOT better than having a family with an unreliable alcoholic. You really dodged a bullet.

Peace, healing & happiness to you

Thomas45

Hello Ad. I understand the pain of feeling betrayed, so I can empathize with the emotions you're going through. Here's my insight into things, for what it's worth.

I believe that when things like this happen, the people who feel victimized want closure, but it isn't what they actually need. I know I certainly did. In my case, and in the case of so many stories that I've read on these forums, even if we do get some kind of closure it isn't enough.

We want explanations as closure. When we get explanations we aren't satisfied because we don't trust the mouths from which the words are escaping.

We want validation as closure. When all our suspicions or feelings are validated, whether it be through sleuthing, or admissions, or from third parties, we aren't left happy.

We want apologies as closure. When we get them, we're left with doubts and sadness. After all, if they're apologizing now and they recognize that what they did was wrong, why would they do it in the first place? Didn't they recognize it was wrong at the time?

Closure isn't enough because what we really want is to get inside the head of our alcoholic partners. We want to be able to understand how they think, and we want their thinking/morality process to mirror our own. We want to get past the lies, half baked excuses, right to the heart of truth in knowing EXACTLY what was going through our partners minds so that we can find some way to empathize with them.

We want it, but we don't need it. What we need is the realization and the acceptance that we will never be able to truly get inside their heads. I didn't start healing until I accepted that closure wasn't a necessary part of the healing process. Unfortunately, that acceptance is a personal journey that is different for everybody, and doesn't come with shortcuts - only detours.

Eauchiche

I am SO SORRY you are going through this.
In our case, we were together 14 years. In spite of AlAnon and counseling for the past year and a half, some days are very difficult. You don;t just forget 14 years.

One thing I can congratulate myself on, is the answer to the question if I would pick someone like that now. The answer is H*LL no!

The reason for feeling down sometimes is the fact that we get attached to them, whether it's 3 years or 14 years. That being the case, why would we choose somebody like that? What is the point? This is what programs like AlAnon are for; to avoid going there again.

It has become more and more obvious that my ex simply wants to be alone and drink, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

Keep coming back. We are here to support you!