Butterfly

So as you know I've started dating and was able to identify some red flags in the guy.

Here's the thing after spending the night with him I began to have doubts not only because of his performance issues but also I began thinking was he only interested in one thing, does he have issues that I'm just not able or willing to handle right now, do I really want to continue to date him? I wasn't sure if my doubts were to do with fear that he was going to walk away as he got what he wanted. I haven't heard from him, I know he said he is dealing with family s*** but surely that doesn't mean he couldn't send a text, I've seen he's been o the dating website but no communication with me and I haven't texted him since I asked how he was

The time away from him has allowed me to think more clearly! Yes he texted everyday but it was me who travelled up to him when we were meeting, 30 miles, one way. The only time he met me closer to home was when he was spending the day at a family members close to where I live so he didn't travel down to see me. I made all the effort but why?

I ignored doubts I had, he was only after one thing, he didn't ask much about me as he was quiet not that he wasn't interested, he didn't travel down or make much of an effort because why would he when I'm so willing to travel to him. Yet I keep thinking what if he is dealing with family stuff and I'm just over reacting.

I really don't trust my own judgement or my thinking. I don't know if I'm right or being insecure!

chicory

Butterfly,
I think you should trust your judgement, and do not ignore the red flags.. cut your losses.
You are making all the efforts, it seems. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

If he has been on the dating site, since last contacting you, then that appears to be a pretty big red flag.

don't settle for so little. you are worth more than that.
life lessons aren't always easy to swallow, I know.

if you wonder, then its probably not what you want or need.
hugs,

Tomandliv

Personally I would say trust your intuition. I'm sure it's been right in the past.
If someone was really interested, they would make the effort and at least send a text/reply.
IF he's going through some genuine family stuff and is in a bad place, then he's not suitable to get involved with. He shouldn't be involving himself with anyone - he should be focused on his family or himself. I know that if I had major issues to deal with, the last thing on my mind would be dating or anything like that.
If he doesn't genuinely have family issues, then he should contact you.
I don't think there's any other answer for you - just hold tight an let him be. If he's interested he will contact you.
In the meantime, don't get attached - especially when he hasn't earned your attachment.

Hope that helps

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, you're not asking too much. He's behaving disrespectfully and doesn't deserve a second chance. I hope you get your coat back but don't rely on him to delivery it. Ask him to leave it where you can collect it.

These guys are probably single for a reason.

redatlanta

Butterfly - perhaps it would be best in the future not to enter into an intimate relationship with anyone so quickly. This same thing happened with your old friend. That relationship was also very rapid, and very intense.

It does appear you were putting most of the effort into this situation. When people sleep together it changed the dynamics of the relationship. Early on it can make things much more difficult, or it can change the dynamic to physical only. That's all well and good if its what you are looking for, but its not what you are looking for.

While there are reason's why someone's time can be limited, if someone wants to be with you they will. Its clear that this man really isn't a good fit for you, so maybe you should question why YOU are spending anytime ruminating over it. It sounds like he was, boring.

Sure, there are people only out for one thing. Stop giving it to them and you will avoid them like the plague.

jjj111

Butterfly, have you ever heard of a book called The Rules? I think I've mentioned it before. It's an advice book on dating that I learned a lot from. Some of the advice is a little old-fashioned, stuff about never leave the house without makeup and whatnot. But it taught me a lot about how to avoid giving too much and setting myself up for heartache. For example, one dating rule they suggest is to never do most of the work/travel to see a man. If he won't come to you, then he's not worth your time. Some of the other rules are about avoiding working too hard to keep in touch. They tell you to let the guy do most of the work of calling and making invitations, too. They tell you never, for example, to call someone again when they haven't returned your call. Anyway, it might not work that well for everyone, but for me, because I had a tendency to seek reassurance and work too hard at relationships, it was perfect. It might help you, too. I think they even have an updated version that deals with social media and online dating and so on.

Sungrl

My advice is plain and simple.

DO NOT enter into any type of relationship with a man right now.

My 2 cents. Anything is going to be a disaster at this point.

You are not mentally ready.

atalose

Alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger. Drugs are a drug addict’s trigger and relationships are a co-dependents trigger.

Maybe work some more on your own recovery, figure some more things out.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I'm not obsessing over why he hasn't responded or why he's ignored me, I suppose I'm obsessing over how I let some guy who gave me a bit of attention and I go running, put in all the effort. Any anxieties I had I put it down to fear, I don't know what's my gut and what's my overthinking and worrying.

I feel disappointed in myself that I again got swept away with a bit of attention and that I slept with someone so quickly, that is so not like me at all and I need to look at why I did that, was it to see if I was right that he was only after one thing or fear if I didn't he wouldn't want to know?

Red your absolutely right I shouldn't have slept with him and as I said not like me at all!

Feelinggreat, you know the funny thing is I thought he was a gentleman just with how he spoke and how when he first tried something and I said no he didn't push, he even said he was a gentleman, silly me believed him or maybe wanted to! As for my coat I'm not counting on him to return it and if he hasn't by Thursday, the next day I know he's up close to where I live then I will text him and tell him to leave it in his garden and I will collect it myself then I will be done with him.

I am continuing my work on myself, although my counsellor has been away for a few weeks!!

Here's another thing that's been going round in my head, did I see this guy as someone to fix, he mentioned a difficult childhood, parents divorced, moved about a lot, difficult relationship with his dad, his longest relationship was 4 years, he's 43, says he left because she wanted him to stop going out and he didn't want to, she also had kids, not his. Lived and partied for 7/8 years in another country. Then there was the performance issues, which thinking back I went into care taker mode despite my own anxieties I tried to make sure he was ok! Did I see someone who I thought I could fix??

I know I'm not ready for anything serious but how do I find these things out, check my own behaviour if I don't try.

Tomandliv

Don't let the video title throw you off.. It's not just ACOA's this applies to, but anyone who's had a difficult childhood in my opinion.
I would watch it if I were asking the questions you are asking: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TcpfgsJxp4c

KKE

He sounds like a massive ass. Don't beat yourself too much about sleeping with him, it happens. I personally wouldn't spend too much time over analysing him and his behaviour. Hope you get the coat!

Tomandliv

This might be a good link to watch too: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OS1RP_-njwQ

Signs of a codependent personality.

I hope you can research into this stuff and help discover yourself

Best of luck

redatlanta

I think it would really help you to stop picking these 10 minutes relationships apart Butterfly.

Not everything is complicated, not everything needs to resurrect Freud to figure out "why". He paid you attention, you went for it. Put aside the screwed up childhood and all of that you simply don't know this person enough to analyze it this deep!

As for your own behavior I think its been pointed out, when you have someone else on your mind you aren't obsessing over the ex (or ex-friend). Its just avoidance behavior looking for something else to distract you from a myriad of things.

I know this because I do/have done it myself.

theuncertainty

It's not silly to have believed him, Butterfly, but it is important to keep in mind that not every one is as worthy of trust as we may feel in the first blush of infatuation. Sometimes not even when we're past that first blush.... (AXH seemed like a down-to-earth, sweet, aw-shucks-ma'am kind of guy.)

I found the following blog entry by Lundy Bancroft really helpful:

lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/02/rethinking-charm.htmlv

I know that when I left AXH I couldn't even name the emotions that I felt, I was so used to his emotions and needs dictating how life was, that I couldn't really feel on my own or understand what I was feeling. I had looked to him for a long time to see if I should smile, laugh, or be quiet. I know I had looked to him to determine if I was safe or not. When I realized I was free of him, I kind of still wanted / needed some one to fill that role of show-me-what-to-feel. Learning to do it on my own again was... uncomfortable. (Cue a few ill-fated attempts at dating on my part.)

I don't know if any of that helps any, Butterfly, or if it's even remotely close to what you're working through. I'm sorry if I'm completely off base and not helping. And I'm not trying to tell you not to date, but maybe taking a bit more time to sit with your feelings and a closer look at what is underlying your desire to date would help? (((hugs)))

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will check out those videos.

Red I suppose I'm a analysing me not the guy, is that not what I'm meant to do figure me out so I don't make the same mistakes?

caretaker88

"relationships are a co-dependents trigger"

I had never heard that before, but it makes perfect sense! I have always felt like I've "needed" to be with someone... like I was uncomfortable with myself. I guess that is true. Sometimes I think co-dependent is my middle name.

redatlanta

Then maybe look at it like this:

Met person who didn't seem interested in getting to know you
You had to do all of the work as far as physically seeing each other
Did not meet your criteria - drank more than you are comfortable and had some red flags .

You slept with him anyway. Why? I think that answer is very simple. 1) Normal to crave attention or desire sex. You haven't mentioned really being attracted to him though.

2) Something to do, someone to hang to with. Probably would have bee nice to have a good roll in the hay there is nothing wrong with that. Didn't turn out that way.

Last thing is what I call the lotto relationship. You bought a scratch off ticket - maybe it would work...maybe he was a catch, maybe underneath the childhood issues, drinking, lack of interest was your perfect guy!!!

This is what I meant by its just not that deep to figure out. Perhaps he is screwed up and perhaps you are attracted to that too. Because the relationship was short and very little invested I err more to just being human and wanting some companionship.

Tomandliv

I guess everyone has their own way of looking at situations. This would be your way of looking at this situation, but I think Butterfly is quite rightly looking within herself as she's probably noticed a pattern - not just this one off occasion.
We've all had situations as you describe above, but I think there's a difference between having a one off situation where you're lonely and get caught up with the wrong guy, and a situation that you find yourself in often.
I think she's probably aware that she needs to heal inside before going anywhere near someone else. In my opinion she needs to look at why she's doubting herself to a point where she needs other people to tell her what acceptable and what's not. That's definitely something to work on inside herself because most people know their worth and they know very quickly when to walk away from someone who's not treating them how they feel they should be treated.
I feel there's a need for boundaries, self esteem, self worth, and a purpose in life other than being by the side of a man.
This is just all my opinion

healthyagain

In my opinion, overthinking and too much hassle so early in a relationship is a red flag itself. It is just not worth it. Relationships should be fun, not a questioning marathon.

It is also good to ask yourself, what are you looking in a relationship, what are your expectations, goals, what are you ready to settle for. You mentioned his "performance issues," as in sexual underperformance? Maybe the guy has issues that make him feel uncomfortable, maybe he is just not into the whole thing altogether. See, there are too many maybies.

But what is exactly that you want, and do you think this guy has it right now?

It is generally recommended to stay away from relationships, because if you are broken inside, you will most probably attract people who are as broken as you. This is why it is so important that you heal fully before entering the dating market again.

Pia

I never thought of looking at youtube for videos. This is great thank you for sharing.