alybally

If so, I have a question I would like to ask.

alybally

Mainly, I wanted to know if it's unethical for a substance abuse counselor to have a romantic relationship with an active addict or newly recovering addict or if it's looked down upon professionally. I would think it is, but I don't know the rules of that profession.

happybeingme

While it is unethical each state has its own laws and regulations and certifications. The only person who can answer this is your state licensing board or an attorney.

I will say this if this counselor is just an AA or NA sponsor you have no real recourse.

Is a friend or loved one being taken advantage of?

alybally

No, the counselor is not a sponsor and does not directly treat the addict.

happybeingme

If this person has no therapeutic relationship with the addict it is no one's business who they keep company with in their private time. It may not look smart but really counselors are just people too.

alybally

That's interesting as my therapist said that, professionally, it's a big no no even if they are not in a counselor/patient relationship. Shows a lack of respect for and a lack of skill or adherence to the rules of the counselor's profession to be going against all recommendations for the addict's situation (e.g. starting a relationship with them when they are one week into sobriety, getting involved with an addict period (which shows a total lack of understanding of their own job) etc.).

happybeingme

You need to understand though that many substance abuse counselors are former addicts themselves and don't necessarily have the same training or education as a therapist.

Though your therapist said it is a no no there isn't necessarily anything legally wrong with what the counselor is doing. Like I said it may be tacky, unwise, or otherwise not cool it doesn't mean they are committing malpractice. They just are making poor personal choices.

I am guessing this is your ex who is involved with a counselor.

AnvilheadII

since this is your ex, how does any of this affect YOU? whether it's unethical or if he's now involved with a lemon tree.........

can you start to slowly reel yourself back in and be less interested in what's going on HIS life now?

alybally

I'm trying, I'm just not there yet. Still processing. Give me some time. :-) I'm still reeling from the blow.

alybally

God, I am in so much freaking pain today. It's one thing to break someone's heart, it's another to hurt their soul.

alybally

The betrayal is what is killing me. What you need to know is that he repeated exactly what happened to me 6 years ago in my former relationship. I confided in him and I thought we had confided in EACH OTHER what we had suffered through in our prior relationships. We promised not to do those things to each other. And I tell you, he did step by step the exact same things the one before did. From playing the withdrawal games, to running off with the blonde bimbo to then accusing me of being crazy. Prior ex is diagnosed NPD with sadistic tendencies and bipolar I. I am diagnosed mid range OCD and mild anxiety (typical lawyer). We know from parental evaluation during our custody battle. We went through stringent testing and interviews so no stone unturned. So to turn around and repeat history, it's the betrayal that is killing me more than the loss of him. It's like he knew how to hurt me the most and he took every advantage once his illness/disease really took hold.

happybeingme

But the real problem is not what he did to you but that you chose a man who would do it. That is the problem. Look jerks are jerks. It doesn't matter if they have addiction issues or not.

You need to figure out why you would choose another addict to try to have a relationship with.

dandylion

alybally.....yes, the pain is crushing in the beginning. I think that most of us on this forum have experienced this kind of pain at some point. Yes, you do have to process through it.......
Do you have people to talk to?

dandylion

alybally

Because I had no idea. Not trying to be smart, but I don't have a crystal ball and he fooled me for a long time. After my prior experience, I had my radar UP and looked for red flags constantly. I questioned him on anything I had concerns about. We knew each other for about 5 months before getting involved and worked on a project together that had us communicating every day almost. I don't know what else I could've done. The DUI hit me sidewise. And from there, it went downhill.

alybally

I have my mom, my therapist (which I never needed before) and al anon friends. No sponsor yet. I don't talk to my friends because they don't understand, except one. And you all. My therapist told me about this website but I'd already been reading on it prior. I just decided to join after she said another patient was really benefiting from this. This website is a lifesaver. I do have one thought though. I sometimes swing over and read some of the threads from the addicts. It really swings my mood and gives me perspective. But it's like cognitive dissonance -- I have a hard time connecting "our" collective experience with "theirs". Does that make sense and do any of you feel that way?

dandylion

alybally.....yes, it does make sense.....the alcoholic and the non alcoholic look at the world from two different filters. I believe that the non-addict can learn a lot about the disease and develop an understanding and compassion....but, I don't think it is possible to know exactly how they feel.
If you would like to delve more into the dynamics of the alcoholic mind set and how it influences their relationships.....I highly encourage you to google the articles of Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)....there are several of them....you can pick the one that are most interesting to you.....
I found them very enlightening.....and, helped me not to personalize the behaviors so much.

We see alcohol as the problem.....alcoholics see alcohol as the solution. Anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink in comfort is viewed as the enemy.

dandylion

alybally

Thanks for your kind words. 😊

Yes, I definitely became the enemy because I refused to enable and pushed rehab and his ability to have a loving, happy and safe future with me.

Sotiredofitall

"We see alcohol as the problem.....alcoholics see alcohol as the solution. Anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink in comfort is viewed as the enemy. "


Wow. Just Wow. That is a perfect way to explain this madness. Thank you!

Liveitwell

I agree with all the advice given-I know how hard it is and the pain...it's overwhelming at times. You will get to a place that you literally don't care what he is doing bc it doesbt matter anymore and doesn't effect your life. I still worry about my ex but I do not care at all what he's doing-that's his business. You will be okay-I promise....it just takes time...lots of time...and feeling it over and over again sometimes. I am saying a prayer for peace for you tonight. Big hugs!!

alybally

Thank you. I've obviously been through break ups in my 40 years on earth, but nothing has ever broken me like this. Even my split with the narcissist. I always knew the narcissist never loved me or anyone so my expectations were low. But this guy loved me so much (despite what is said about they can't love you because they don't love themselves) and it's the 180 turn that's so devastating.

Fourourgirls, how long has it been for you?