LemonGirl

I was listening to this awesome life coach named, Lisa Romano (she has tons of youtube videos!), and one thing she said that struck me to my core was about how codependents do for others in expecation... hoping that we'll be seen or liked/loved or validated... And well, then there is Melody Beattie and her book 'Codependent No More' where she talks about the triangle system of being the victim. And it became clear to me that THIS is where I do my victim role the most!

I put myself out there and incorporate others in my plans (which is fine), but I do it expecting that these people will also include me, or that they will show up for me in my life. Additionally, I expect addicts/alcoholics to include me (which is sketchy at best!), and then when I get overlooked or my plans get pushed aside for another's agenda, I get upset and feel used or like I don't matter.

So here is a great little trick I am going to start applying to my life: If I find myself stood up or with broken plans, from now on, I am going to a plan B, EVERY time that I can fall back on so that I am not feeling like I put myself in a fruitless situation. The idea is that I can remain pleasant and get on with my life just fine without the other person....

And over time, this practice should help me with making plans for myself because I find myself necessary, instead of disposable. That I matter... and that there is something I can do about it =) It is a part of taking control of my life and my happiness...

Wheresmyunicorn

Just wanted to say "Thanks!" This is exactly what I needed to hear today. This is the way I put myself in the "martyr" role and then resent my AH for my feelings. I'm taking steps to put myself in the equation so I don't feel marginalized and overwhelmed.

Change is good, right? lol!

Hangnbyathread

Yeah I got very used to having a Plan B when it came to depending on someone who is addicted.

Otherwise you feel you have wasted a LOT of time on Plan A.

HopefulinFLA

I really like your thinking here. This is an idea I could put to good use. Thank you!

LemonGirl

I'll try to use the computer later to post the YouTube video that I was pulling from. I put it together with my own knowledge from Melody Beattie's book and something just clicked for me. Anyway, the videos are pretty neat. Some of you may enjoy her :-)

Thanx for your responses!

Hawkeye13

I'm glad you have a plan B--

Eventually, I really got tired of often having to default to Plan B
when I treated my addict with the respect to pretty much always honor the Plan A I had made with them.

Are you finding this to be an issue for you?

In the end, I just couldn't take playing second fiddle to the addiction any longer. . .

FireSprite

I think this is a great step LG. Like Hawkeye though, my first thought is that it's hopefully just a bridge to help you to the point where you can make Plan A work on your own regardless of anyone else.

Plan B is great, don't get me wrong, but also exhausting to do double work all the time. And when you think about it, you're STILL working around someone else's dysfunction to some degree. Still adjusting degree by degree, like that proverbial frog.

If you want to really validate yourself, make Plan A all about you. Not Plan B - that still puts you secondary to someone else's choices & dysfunction. You are worth more & deserve better than that!

Lyssy

This is hard for me also. Not just with my RAH (or an A) but with all things. I don't really like doing things by myself and doing things with friends is much more appealing. I am working on planning things that I would do with or without someone else. It makes me uncomfortable but I find that once I am "on-my-way" it is not so bad. It is not just alcohol but life that often interrupts plans and I am finding that if I don't take charge and DO I will live with regrets and should have beens.

Just last weekend a group of us had plans to go to an activity and every single one of the group cancelled. I went ahead and went by myself. It was very satisfying and it was another notch in my belt of getting on with my life.

Even though my rah is in recovery he still has bad habits regarding PLANNING. I used to wait around, hoping he would "get-it" but now I just make my plans. Sometimes I include him (if it is something he would want to do), sometimes I do not. I told him back in early recovery that there was a place beside me for him in my life, but I was not going to wait for him to decide if that is what he wanted - I was going - it was his choice to walk beside me or not but it wouldn't change my path direction. It has been hard but I trudge along hoping I am making progress.

Pebbles2012

Great topic. I've struggled with being too much of a giver as well. Always putting my needs on the back burner. I figured if I gave enough I would get that validation of love from whoever it was I was giving to. It's a huge trap. It'll never happen no matter who you meet. Thanks for starting this thread, it's an area that I will be working on.

LemonGirl

Hi Hawkeye! I have never really had a 'plan B' for anything or anyone in my life... but I am realizing that this little trick could help me tremendously with how I get my hopes up, put my effort into something, and then get let down with nothing to do and nowhere to go as if others are looking out for my best interest... In other words, it is a way to stop putting the potential of my happiness and future in the hands of others, and also a great way for me to stop my victim cycling since this seems to be where I do it the most.

As for my abf, he has only ever broken or forgotten plans a handful of times. It's crazy because he doesn't always remember our plans (if they are further down the road), but he always makes sure to keep promises and plans. Once, however, and probably the worst "forgotten plan" issue was my birthday last year when he was 4 hours late to take me out and he was so drunk that I had to drive and he fell asleep in the movie theater... snoring pretty loudly, no-less. lol...
I have more of an issue with the fact that he has relapsed and I don't feel comfortable with our plans of moving in together next year in August. Which, I recently expressed to him. So, I will have a plan B so that I can still move out of current situation, which is with my alcoholic mother.
Gosh, it all sounds so peachy, doesn't it? Ha!

I do find that my plans are consistently broken, however, with my mother. She breaks promises to my kids all the time as well. In her mind, she is just getting old and she is tired... you know... there is always an excuse.

Anyway... I had this issue with an ex of mine some years ago as well. And he was a normie... It drove me crazy that I would put all of my effort into our plans, only for him to change things on me, and here I had already gotten a babysitter, or rearranged things financially, or bought extra food for him to be there for dinner, etc... I am the one that needs to work on this, and I think by providing myself with another avenue so that I am not let down, I will be able to begin to change this within myself. No more guilt and victim triangles!

LemonGirl

I can't even remember which video exactly it was that I listened that got me thinking on this, but this video is one of them. If anyone is interested, she (Lisa Romano) has a ton of videos on codependency, narcissists, and love addiction.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KYcHc9nIc4

Hawkeye13

It is great you are so upbeat and proactive LG--it is nice to take charge!

LemonGirl

Haha! Trying!