Hello, New Here-- Please Help Me
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 4
Hello, New Here-- Please Help Me
Hi everyone,
My SO and I dated for nine years. He was what I think is a functioning alcoholic. He'd go through a case of beer in a couple of days, and hard liquor would be gone in even less than that. We liked wine, but wine was more of an accompaniment to a meal. He'd do this consumption pattern every few weeks, so it wasn't a regular dependance. I never questioned his alcoholism because he came out of his shell when he drank. He went from this super quiet, reserved guy to a man who was sweet, loving, and full of life.
We moved in together four years ago. We had some arguments about sex (he wanted more, I wasn't as interested) many times that never resolved themselves. On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted.
My aunt noticed that I wasn't being as positive as I normally was, so I broke down and told her. She told me to move in with her ASAP. He knows I'm in another city, but he doesn't know her address. He keeps texting me, telling me to come back so he can work through things with me. He says he's going to seriously hurt himself because I'm not there with him. I told him I care about him, but I care about my self-respect more. I can't stoop so low as to go back just because he's feeling sad. With the support of my aunt and her husband, I am consistently reminded that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. They are wonderful people who can see what I can't seem to see.
I see so many issues he's going to have to deal with. I suggested he speak with a mental health professional. I hope he talks about his drinking, his lack of guilt, and his issues with compulsive lying. I hope he chooses to receive the treatment he needs, to save his next relationship.
There were red flags throughout the entire nine years. I just made excuses for him and for myself.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation?
My SO and I dated for nine years. He was what I think is a functioning alcoholic. He'd go through a case of beer in a couple of days, and hard liquor would be gone in even less than that. We liked wine, but wine was more of an accompaniment to a meal. He'd do this consumption pattern every few weeks, so it wasn't a regular dependance. I never questioned his alcoholism because he came out of his shell when he drank. He went from this super quiet, reserved guy to a man who was sweet, loving, and full of life.
We moved in together four years ago. We had some arguments about sex (he wanted more, I wasn't as interested) many times that never resolved themselves. On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted.
My aunt noticed that I wasn't being as positive as I normally was, so I broke down and told her. She told me to move in with her ASAP. He knows I'm in another city, but he doesn't know her address. He keeps texting me, telling me to come back so he can work through things with me. He says he's going to seriously hurt himself because I'm not there with him. I told him I care about him, but I care about my self-respect more. I can't stoop so low as to go back just because he's feeling sad. With the support of my aunt and her husband, I am consistently reminded that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. They are wonderful people who can see what I can't seem to see.
I see so many issues he's going to have to deal with. I suggested he speak with a mental health professional. I hope he talks about his drinking, his lack of guilt, and his issues with compulsive lying. I hope he chooses to receive the treatment he needs, to save his next relationship.
There were red flags throughout the entire nine years. I just made excuses for him and for myself.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Do- Welcome, I am sorry that you have had to reach out, but this place is amazing. Good for you for having enough self respect to get the hxll out of that home. No one should have to tolerate what you have. Not sure mental health can help him, from what you are saying, I think an AA meeting would be better.
So what do you need to do next. You need to start taking care of you!!! He is a big boy and if he hurts himself then so be it. You have lived with his pain for a very long time. I would suggest trying to hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. There is so much support in those walls. I Know that it might be difficult for you, but going no contact with him might be a good idea. Since when he texts you, you get upset. I would tell him that you need a break, block his number, block FB and any other ways of communication. Tell him that he can get his act together. I would bet you a thousand dollars he won't.
Work on strengthening who you are and what you want in life. Its pretty amazing our spouses tell us that they reach out for sex with other people and we tolerate this behavior, A's pick good enablers, because healthy people would not tolerate years and years of abuse.
Listen to all these wonderful people on SR, they will help. Keep posting and they say not to make any major changes for at least 6 months, till you are strong enough to execute them!! Hugs my friend, you have come to the right place, we understand!!
So what do you need to do next. You need to start taking care of you!!! He is a big boy and if he hurts himself then so be it. You have lived with his pain for a very long time. I would suggest trying to hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. There is so much support in those walls. I Know that it might be difficult for you, but going no contact with him might be a good idea. Since when he texts you, you get upset. I would tell him that you need a break, block his number, block FB and any other ways of communication. Tell him that he can get his act together. I would bet you a thousand dollars he won't.
Work on strengthening who you are and what you want in life. Its pretty amazing our spouses tell us that they reach out for sex with other people and we tolerate this behavior, A's pick good enablers, because healthy people would not tolerate years and years of abuse.
Listen to all these wonderful people on SR, they will help. Keep posting and they say not to make any major changes for at least 6 months, till you are strong enough to execute them!! Hugs my friend, you have come to the right place, we understand!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by maia1234 
Do- Welcome, I am sorry that you have had to reach out, but this place is amazing. Good for you for having enough self respect to get the hxll out of that home. No one should have to tolerate what you have. Not sure mental health can help him, from what you are saying, I think an AA meeting would be better.
So what do you need to do next. You need to start taking care of you!!! He is a big boy and if he hurts himself then so be it. You have lived with his pain for a very long time. I would suggest trying to hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. There is so much support in those walls. I Know that it might be difficult for you, but going no contact with him might be a good idea. Since when he texts you, you get upset. I would tell him that you need a break, block his number, block FB and any other ways of communication. Tell him that he can get his act together. I would bet you a thousand dollars he won't.
Work on strengthening who you are and what you want in life. Its pretty amazing our spouses tell us that they reach out for sex with other people and we tolerate this behavior, A's pick good enablers, because healthy people would not tolerate years and years of abuse.
Listen to all these wonderful people on SR, they will help. Keep posting and they say not to make any major changes for at least 6 months, till you are strong enough to execute them!! Hugs my friend, you have come to the right place, we understand!!
So what do you need to do next. You need to start taking care of you!!! He is a big boy and if he hurts himself then so be it. You have lived with his pain for a very long time. I would suggest trying to hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. There is so much support in those walls. I Know that it might be difficult for you, but going no contact with him might be a good idea. Since when he texts you, you get upset. I would tell him that you need a break, block his number, block FB and any other ways of communication. Tell him that he can get his act together. I would bet you a thousand dollars he won't.
Work on strengthening who you are and what you want in life. Its pretty amazing our spouses tell us that they reach out for sex with other people and we tolerate this behavior, A's pick good enablers, because healthy people would not tolerate years and years of abuse.
Listen to all these wonderful people on SR, they will help. Keep posting and they say not to make any major changes for at least 6 months, till you are strong enough to execute them!! Hugs my friend, you have come to the right place, we understand!!
It's so hard to not believe him. He says he'll change. He says he'll go through treatment and therapy. He says he'll pay for everything so that I can be happy. He says he'll sell his computer and his phone so he can stop doing nothing but browse. I want so hard to believe him and go back. I don't know what I'd do without the people I'm living with right now. It's so hard to hear them tell me he's no good. I don't want to believe them. I want to believe he's a good person who can change.
Right now, he texts me and I tell him that he needs to change for himself. Each text he sends, I send the same message that he needs to get help. I guess my texting him back is a form of enabling. I'm enabling him to tell me how much he wants me and how much he loves me, and I'll listen to how he thinks we can get back together.
I'm upset because I packed a bag and left nearly everything. I want to return to our old house to get stuff with a few people while he's gone. I'd like to take the furniture I bought (he bought almost none) to a new apartment.
ETA: I am staying in a large city. I think there are AlAnon groups around here. I will look into it, thanks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear DragoOn
It is always surprising to me how similar all of our stories are when dealing with an active addict. I am sorry you are in this situation, but consider you extremely lucky to have good relatives to stay with.
If he is serious about getting help, he will just do it. I am sorry to say that this is rare. Most of the time, they just surround themselves with other enablers and keep using.
If you work your own recovery, you will discover how many people love you. I have become aware of many, many people who love at church, at work and every other area of my life. Most of all, I know God loves me.
I tried to do things for my mate during the 14 years we were together that should have caused him to love me too, but this has not turned out to be the case. I wasn't perfect and had my own problems, but at least I tried.
I hope we can be a support for you. Keep coming back!
It is always surprising to me how similar all of our stories are when dealing with an active addict. I am sorry you are in this situation, but consider you extremely lucky to have good relatives to stay with.
If he is serious about getting help, he will just do it. I am sorry to say that this is rare. Most of the time, they just surround themselves with other enablers and keep using.
If you work your own recovery, you will discover how many people love you. I have become aware of many, many people who love at church, at work and every other area of my life. Most of all, I know God loves me.
I tried to do things for my mate during the 14 years we were together that should have caused him to love me too, but this has not turned out to be the case. I wasn't perfect and had my own problems, but at least I tried.
I hope we can be a support for you. Keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Pia
I could give your aunt/uncle a hug.. please go No Contact and block him from every aspect of your life. He is broken and was before you entered the picture. You cant help him. Please focus on you.
I want to end contact, but I need items out of my old house. My plan is to go next weekend to grab them with the help of my family and friends. I will go when he's at work. This week, I will need to decide where to put the furnishings I had. While I could leave them and start a new life, I really don't want to have to spend the hundreds to thousands of dollars I spent on my mattress, table, chairs, mixer, etc. Moving out is going to be a big stressor, I know. But going back will not help my situation.
I have begun corresponding with a counsellor through my work's counselling website. Writing the words down on an email was very hard. If I was looking at this girl, reading her words and seeing what she said about her significant other, I would tell her to leave.
ETA: I am going to wean myself of his contact little by little. I will reply less often to his messages, to the point of not at all. I know it may be a silly thing, but it's the only way I feel I'll be able to live through the week before I get my stuff back.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I still remember being told that he could get sex from any number of women and he would cheat if I didn't satisfy him. Should have been a HUGE red flag!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Be grateful you are out.
Block him from your life, go no contact.
You can't do anything for him.
Block him from your life, go no contact.
You can't do anything for him.
Originally Posted by drago0n
Hi everyone,
My SO and I dated for nine years. He was what I think is a functioning alcoholic. He'd go through a case of beer in a couple of days, and hard liquor would be gone in even less than that. We liked wine, but wine was more of an accompaniment to a meal. He'd do this consumption pattern every few weeks, so it wasn't a regular dependance. I never questioned his alcoholism because he came out of his shell when he drank. He went from this super quiet, reserved guy to a man who was sweet, loving, and full of life.
We moved in together four years ago. We had some arguments about sex (he wanted more, I wasn't as interested) many times that never resolved themselves. On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted.
My aunt noticed that I wasn't being as positive as I normally was, so I broke down and told her. She told me to move in with her ASAP. He knows I'm in another city, but he doesn't know her address. He keeps texting me, telling me to come back so he can work through things with me. He says he's going to seriously hurt himself because I'm not there with him. I told him I care about him, but I care about my self-respect more. I can't stoop so low as to go back just because he's feeling sad. With the support of my aunt and her husband, I am consistently reminded that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. They are wonderful people who can see what I can't seem to see.
I see so many issues he's going to have to deal with. I suggested he speak with a mental health professional. I hope he talks about his drinking, his lack of guilt, and his issues with compulsive lying. I hope he chooses to receive the treatment he needs, to save his next relationship.
There were red flags throughout the entire nine years. I just made excuses for him and for myself.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation?
My SO and I dated for nine years. He was what I think is a functioning alcoholic. He'd go through a case of beer in a couple of days, and hard liquor would be gone in even less than that. We liked wine, but wine was more of an accompaniment to a meal. He'd do this consumption pattern every few weeks, so it wasn't a regular dependance. I never questioned his alcoholism because he came out of his shell when he drank. He went from this super quiet, reserved guy to a man who was sweet, loving, and full of life.
We moved in together four years ago. We had some arguments about sex (he wanted more, I wasn't as interested) many times that never resolved themselves. On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted.
My aunt noticed that I wasn't being as positive as I normally was, so I broke down and told her. She told me to move in with her ASAP. He knows I'm in another city, but he doesn't know her address. He keeps texting me, telling me to come back so he can work through things with me. He says he's going to seriously hurt himself because I'm not there with him. I told him I care about him, but I care about my self-respect more. I can't stoop so low as to go back just because he's feeling sad. With the support of my aunt and her husband, I am consistently reminded that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. They are wonderful people who can see what I can't seem to see.
I see so many issues he's going to have to deal with. I suggested he speak with a mental health professional. I hope he talks about his drinking, his lack of guilt, and his issues with compulsive lying. I hope he chooses to receive the treatment he needs, to save his next relationship.
There were red flags throughout the entire nine years. I just made excuses for him and for myself.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Do- Words are cheap!! He can say what ever and do what ever. Lots of times when the spouse leaves, they drink out of control, because no one is watching them. So you could get a lot of drunk texts that are not going to be good. Some will love you and the next will be you are a bi@tch!!..
I understand you want your stuff. I would not tell him when you are coming as you might have issues if he was drunk. Less contact his best!!Get your stuff and text him that it is gone. No new contact means no new hurts.
But you really need to get some local support. Having your aunt to help is wonderful, but they do not understand that "our" addiction to the addict, is very strong. You need support to stop that. They won't understand why you just can't walk away and end things. They have "groomed" us to support this, so we need "deprogramming".
For right now, "love" him from a distance, give him to God or his higher power to watch over him. Its not your job anymore!! Take baby steps as you don't want to be over whelmed and make any bad decisions.
"if you leave and he gets sober, good for you, If you leave an he doesn't get sober, good for you!! He already knows what he needs to do, you will see if he does it.
Hugs my friend, you can do, what you need to do, for you!!!
I understand you want your stuff. I would not tell him when you are coming as you might have issues if he was drunk. Less contact his best!!Get your stuff and text him that it is gone. No new contact means no new hurts.
But you really need to get some local support. Having your aunt to help is wonderful, but they do not understand that "our" addiction to the addict, is very strong. You need support to stop that. They won't understand why you just can't walk away and end things. They have "groomed" us to support this, so we need "deprogramming".
For right now, "love" him from a distance, give him to God or his higher power to watch over him. Its not your job anymore!! Take baby steps as you don't want to be over whelmed and make any bad decisions.
"if you leave and he gets sober, good for you, If you leave an he doesn't get sober, good for you!! He already knows what he needs to do, you will see if he does it.
Hugs my friend, you can do, what you need to do, for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
"On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted."
Ok! Am I the only one that's pi@@ed at the above paragraph? Was that his excuse? OMG! And if he stops drinking? Will that selfish behavior change? I'm sorry Drag but I'm not seeing how one thing has ANYTHING to do with the other!! Let's just blame alcohol for everything character flaw, huh?
Drag, as a woman you deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with. I'm sorry if I sound like a lunatic but this infuriates me. When is enough, enough??
God bless your family for taking you under their wing. My hope for you is that you just take a BIG BREATH, see this manipulation for what it is and more forward for YOU! Do your thing girl....I know somewhere in there you have the power!!! Hugs to you!!!
Ok! Am I the only one that's pi@@ed at the above paragraph? Was that his excuse? OMG! And if he stops drinking? Will that selfish behavior change? I'm sorry Drag but I'm not seeing how one thing has ANYTHING to do with the other!! Let's just blame alcohol for everything character flaw, huh?
Drag, as a woman you deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with. I'm sorry if I sound like a lunatic but this infuriates me. When is enough, enough??
God bless your family for taking you under their wing. My hope for you is that you just take a BIG BREATH, see this manipulation for what it is and more forward for YOU! Do your thing girl....I know somewhere in there you have the power!!! Hugs to you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Ontario
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Lilro
"On a few occasions, he would go to nightclubs and try to solicit sex. Other times, he'd go online to dating sites and post ads looking for someone to do what I couldn't do. Each time I found out through some accidental discoveries, I'd stay because I didn't know where else to go. Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again." The last straw was when he confessed that he got blackout drunk, drove to someone's house, and did things with a woman he met online. The worst part is that it happened a long time ago, and he said he only felt guilty for the first day after it happened. Then, he put the event aside and pretended that nothing happened. He did it because I didn't give him what he wanted."
Ok! Am I the only one that's pi@@ed at the above paragraph? Was that his excuse? OMG! And if he stops drinking? Will that selfish behavior change? I'm sorry Drag but I'm not seeing how one thing has ANYTHING to do with the other!! Let's just blame alcohol for everything character flaw, huh?
Drag, as a woman you deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with. I'm sorry if I sound like a lunatic but this infuriates me. When is enough, enough??
God bless your family for taking you under their wing. My hope for you is that you just take a BIG BREATH, see this manipulation for what it is and more forward for YOU! Do your thing girl....I know somewhere in there you have the power!!! Hugs to you!!!
Ok! Am I the only one that's pi@@ed at the above paragraph? Was that his excuse? OMG! And if he stops drinking? Will that selfish behavior change? I'm sorry Drag but I'm not seeing how one thing has ANYTHING to do with the other!! Let's just blame alcohol for everything character flaw, huh?
Drag, as a woman you deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with. I'm sorry if I sound like a lunatic but this infuriates me. When is enough, enough??
God bless your family for taking you under their wing. My hope for you is that you just take a BIG BREATH, see this manipulation for what it is and more forward for YOU! Do your thing girl....I know somewhere in there you have the power!!! Hugs to you!!!
Thank you for the warning about preparing for drunken texts. I will be changing my number when I get my life a little more organized. I'm having a hard enough time coping with the current changes.
Also, he has not said he will stop drinking. He does not see that he has a problem with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((((drago0n)))
I'm so glad you have your aunt and her husband!
And glad you came to SR.
My separated AH cheated also, and I knew about it. He was so drunk all the time, he was barely even attempting to hide it. There's a lot I don't / didn't know, but I knew enough!
And I stayed.
"Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again.""
I did this too, and I accepted his apologies, and his lies.
I get so angry at myself when I think about it now... how much I put up with.
But... It's really hard to think clearly, and see things clearly when you've been dealing with the craziness of living with an A.
Big hugs to you
I'm so glad you have your aunt and her husband!
And glad you came to SR.
My separated AH cheated also, and I knew about it. He was so drunk all the time, he was barely even attempting to hide it. There's a lot I don't / didn't know, but I knew enough!
And I stayed.
"Each time, I'd tell myself, "He just slipped up. He won't do it again.""
I did this too, and I accepted his apologies, and his lies.
I get so angry at myself when I think about it now... how much I put up with.
But... It's really hard to think clearly, and see things clearly when you've been dealing with the craziness of living with an A.
Big hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think finding al-anon meetings would be great but I feel personal therapy would be far more beneficial for you. You need to discover why you ignored all the red flags, why you continued to forgive him for cheating over and over. Why you think you deserve so little from a man and why you can’t see how him and this relationship is toxic and ill for your mental and physically health. Why you get angry when others tell you he’s no good YET there is something __________ ????? that you benefit from him because you hung on and continue to hang on.
What is that something? That’s what you need to figure out.
What is that something? That’s what you need to figure out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Do, You get a lot of tough love here, so don't take anything personally. We have all accepted unacceptable behavior. It is part of being in a relationship with an A. We can't take back our past, all is we have is today and our future. Look a head for a positive life with healthy people in it!!
Hugs my friend you will be ok!!
Hugs my friend you will be ok!!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He has a problem with alcohol and it also looks like sex addiction as well.
Please go no contact.
Please go no contact.
Originally Posted by drago0n
No, I don't believe this is exactly addiction related. However, he used alcohol to relieve his anger and then went off and got sex from a complete stranger that he solicited online. He was incapable of making rational decisions because of alcohol or an underlying mental condition. This is not a healthy relationship.
Thank you for the warning about preparing for drunken texts. I will be changing my number when I get my life a little more organized. I'm having a hard enough time coping with the current changes.
Also, he has not said he will stop drinking. He does not see that he has a problem with alcohol.
Thank you for the warning about preparing for drunken texts. I will be changing my number when I get my life a little more organized. I'm having a hard enough time coping with the current changes.
Also, he has not said he will stop drinking. He does not see that he has a problem with alcohol.
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