Butterfly

I've lost my way and don't know how to get back on track. I feel so negative about myself and keep wondering what it is about me that people don't like, don't want to stick around to be with and get to know, am I that messed up, I really am I keep pushing everyone away with my neediness.

This recovery is so hard, be open about how you feel, tell people what you need, don't bottle your feelings up, be honest. I took this to the extreme and let all my thoughts and feelings out to someone I thought cared about me and felt the same about our friendship as I did. I always seem to invest all of me, just jump in. My expectations causing trouble for me again as always or maybe it's not my expectations it's the trust I place in others, wanting so much to believe words instead of waiting to see if their actions match up.

I keep trying to fix things but I only make it worse but I keep trying seriously when am I going to get it I can't control anything, I keep telling myself recently if God wanted someone to be in my life they would be and let God direct my life.

I feel so much shame about myself or maybe it's disappointment any self respect and dignity I had managed to scrape together after stbxah left I threw away. Not that I had much and I certainly didn't have any with stbxah I let him treat me the way he did for so many years. I am hoping that he will receive my cross petition soon I want this divorce, yet I still can't believe it has came to this. He is apparently now sorting out all the financial documents or so he said the other day, I didn't reply didn't even acknowledge it, he's only had 7 months to sort it. Today I honestly feel that I never want to see him again for as long as I live.

Sorry I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, I can't make sense of how I'm feeling, I'm a mess.

SparkleKitty

Emotional self-reliance does not happen overnight, my friend. I'm sorry you're hurting right now, I hope you can find a way to give yourself a break, release this negativity, and be kinder to yourself. Many hugs, B.

KeyofC

You have to change your thinking to change anything else. You have to begin with you on the inside. The other things will come once you can calm yourself inside. Got to learn to chill and let things "be". Things just happen they don't happen because of you or something you do.
You have to know when it's safe to be completely honest too. It's one thing to be that way where your addiction is concerned. Completely another when it's feelings of the relationship kind. Which are you referring to?
Even being completely honest about your addiction can cause people to run. I have learned that sometimes they are doing me a favor if they freeze up or don't reply. Also people won't react the same as me because they don't have a heart like mine. Two things: the people running if you spread honesty about your addiction: It's ok if they don't respond sometimes. A quick negative response can cause pain and put your sobriety in danger. The other thing: Don't be unrealistic about expecting too much from people. You will set yourself up to be hurt every time.
I don't know if any of this helps but I practice these in my recovery and every day life, period. Hope this helps. It may be way off base for you I don't know.
(Hug) One thing for sure wither way everything gets better with time. You have to be open to change you, your thinking, and your life.

KeyofC

You needing to move on...I completely get and I hope you find resolve on that soon too. It's hard. It took me over a year to get divorced and I had two small children. I finally had a way to do it without him. "Abandonment", but he wouldn't even reply to nothing. I feel for you. It's hard, I know.

maia1234

Hugs BF- you are your worst enemy!! Try and love yourself, other people do!!

Pia

I understand how you feel. Keep in mind this isn't an overnight process. It has taken me 2 years to get on steady ground. I still have ways to go but the more I work on me the better I feel. Are you reading any good books like " codependant no more" " Journey from Abandonment" and my favorite right now is Miracles in 40 days"?

FeelingGreat

Sorry you feel this way B. Is it just today, or have you been in a slump for longer?

Is the friend you're referring to the guy you scared away? Or some other new person? If it's the guy, it's just one slip-up, and one that you've learned a lot from. His behaviour was inappropriate as well so I don't feel much sympathy for him; perhaps he's learned not to be so cavalier about other's feelings.

How is the new therapist working out? Is she helping? And how about your DD? I hope she's not putting any more pressure on you.

Is anything else happening in your life that has triggered these hopeless feelings?

Butterfly

Thanks everyone.

Feelinggreat yes it is the old friend and I know his behaviour wasn't great and the more I think about it the more I see he only wanted one thing but through my own needy behaviour I completely pushed him away. I don't know if my gut was right in that he only wanted one thing his attitude and behaviour def changed after he only wanted to be friends but I still threw away the little self respect and dignity I had managed to scrap together since stbxah because I thought it was my fault, as always. I just feel really sad about it all or maybe it's just sadness about everything I'm dealing with and rather than focus on my divorce I'm fo using on that. I'm avoiding my good friends as I'm so scared il push them away with my neediness. Every time I come on here it's to pour out my soul!

I suppose I haven't been of using on my recovery as much either just allowing myself to wallow, before the old friend came into the picture I was trying meditation that stopped yoga and gym has stopped following that time I wasn't well and now due to financial constraints I can't afford to keep it up but I need to maybe look at u tube for beginners yoga and start again.

My friend thought it would be good for me to start dating so I signed up for a dating site talked to a few people who seemed really nice , went on a date, nice guy but I realised I don't want to date, I'm not ready, I think mone more knock back would send me over the edge!!

DD and I are doing good our relationship has really improved, we talk more and argue less ��

The new counsellor is great, she is away for a 6 week training course so I won't see her, I knew this when I had my first appointment but there was something about her I liked so thought the long term benefits would out way the 6 weeks she was away and she has experience with working with addiction and families, she works voluntary with a local voluntary addiction service. She said I can email her when she's away if I need to and we can chat over email but I wouldn't want to bother her. And although she is more expensive than the last service she did reduce her rate for me due to my financial constraints which means I could stretch to 3 sessions a month, hence the cut backs in other things but I think it's worth it or it will be.

Pia I'm currently reading a non recovery book I've read so many recently I felt I needed to read something not about recovery. I have a few waiting to read though.

Maia yip your right I am my own worst enemy ��

jjj111

Butterfly, I think what Maia meant when she said you're your own worst enemy is that no one else is as hard on you as you are on yourself. We all make mistakes, and that's how it's meant to be. Acceptance and forgiveness are the only way to deal with mistakes and move forward. You should read Honeypig's language of letting go post for today, it's all about this. About the yoga, you could try "yogazone" videos on youtube. They're great, just 20 minutes so easy to fit in. But I hope you won't keep isolating yourself. Sitting at home spinning your wheels is the worst when you're feeling down on yourself. My negative self talk gets much worse when I isolate.

AnvilheadII

butterfly, the thing with the old friend was back in MAY. and it was a very short interaction. about 5 nanoseconds in the grand scheme. 5 months of obsessive over analyzing hasn't changed a thing and has not helped you one bit. what i think happened is that your transferred your obsession about your stbx to this new person/situation.

it might serve you well to do some volunteer work, helping those who are truly in NEED. people who don't have a home or anywhere to sleep at night, people who have no income and can't afford to feed themselves. shutins who can't leave their homes and rely upon the kindness of others to bring them meals. and give them a few minutes of face to face interaction with another human being. putting school supplies for children whose parents can't afford to buy them - or maybe just don't care. help collect clothing for a local woman's shelter as many times they are forced to leave their homes with nothing but the clothes on their back.

Tansy

it might serve you well to do some volunteer work, helping those who are truly in NEED.

I agree with this idea. I have found volunteer work has saved my sanity and I a m too busy to obsess over stuff. I also like myself much more so am more forgiving of my mistakes. I certainly would not be worried about an encounter with a bloke who was after a quick leg over 5 months ago or my reaction to him. Be kind to yourself. He sensed your vulnerability. He's the low life here, not you xx

NYCDoglvr

What I found is that I had to take actions before any change was possible. I couldn't sit around and think my way through, I only dug myself deeper into self-pity. Are you going to Alanon, working a program? That's what will move you on the road to recovery. Yes, friends care but they can only say and do so much. Working with a therapist and sponsor made all the difference.

Butterfly

Thank you Anvil, tansy &nyc

I know I'm obsessing but more so over my behaviour how I acted, and yes that I messed up and lost a friend through my neediness. It's my behaviour that I'm struggling with and feelings of shame.

I would love to have the time to do volunteer work but I don't my job is very demanding and I never know if I'm goning to get away at 5 or if I have to work late last week I was working to after 10, 3 nights due to crisises. I have also taken on a casual job so last weekend I did an extra 14 hours over 2 nights. I also have to fit in my family responsibilities.

As for my stbxah I still obsess over what happened and why but I am beginning to accept my situation and trying to come to terms with my divorce.

NYC I do go to alanon but honestly I'm not sure it's doing anything for me except remind me of stbxah and everything he put me through but I keep going.

Hawkeye13

He was no "friend" Butterfly--more an opportunist.

You lost nothing worth having.

I think yogazone sounds good and maybe just some volunteer work on a weekend
for a few hours to interact with people outside your job would indeed be helpful.

What's going on with the divorce these days anyway?

You know he's been hiding financial stuff so get ready for that. . .

Butterfly

Do you think so? I really can't trust my gut!! I think if he'd been genuine and meant what he said then I wouldn't have felt insecure and needy, I'm not blaming him!!

Always easier to blame myself lol

I work in my casual job mostly at the weekends.

My cross petition has been sent to the courts so they have to do their thing then he will get a copy!

Yeah pretty sure he's been hiding financial stuff so won't be shocked although I suppose that depends on just how much. I know he's been dragging his heels hoping I won't push it so he won't have to show all his finances and the wee text of xoxoxoxo the other week was to try and draw me back in, see if I'm still waiting about for him. I am worried about how he will react to my cross petition!!

Oh and his il take DS every Wednesday so you can go to your appointment happened once now it's all different days depending on when suits him!! DS goes for about 2 hours then is home.

amy55

Butterfly,

I was/am a lot like you. My ex pulled the disappearing act many times, also the silent treatment, and most times I felt like I didn't exist at all. That's a really hard thing to go through.

Even after I did leave, (you didn't, you are still in the same house, which could be making things worse for you), I really felt to be needed and loved. I didn't have that for so long, I felt like I was just slowly dying.

I moved in with friends of mine. Actually, and I think I told you this, it was their future home, for when they retired. They wouldn't take rent from me, or any money from me, even when we went out to eat.

So I started to paint their house, did many other things, also took care of their sick father. I needed to do that, not because they were providing me with rent free shelter and also food, I needed to do that to know again that I did exist. I was made to feel that I didn't exist for so long, that I was at that point just grateful that someone even acknowledged me. That's how low I had gotten.

So what does my story have to do with you, since they were the same but with different endings?

We both lost ourselves in our relationship. We were just so used to being used and doing what we were told, and I kind of think it was out of fear. Fear being defined by however you or I define it. It was real. It is understandable. It's like we were programmed to "please" someone, or else.

It gets ingrained in you. So we get this perfectionism thing going, we get OCD, we just want to be liked or loved. We didn't have it for so long, and we just want to feel like we are a part of someone else, perhaps wrong way to say that, but we just want what we thought a relationship would be like.

I remember when I was married, it was at the end, and I just felt so empty inside, it was an emptiness that I would never wish on anyone. I gave my all, and then I gave more and more and more. Then there was no more to give, and I just wanted to crawl over to the wall and roll up into a little ball and become as invisible as I felt. I wanted to just fade away.

You are having your ups and downs now, but you are getting there.

All of this is disjointed thinking because I am just thinking as I am writing, but I know that you will understand.

What helped me I guess, was I needed to feel good about me, and the things that I was doing. I didn't need anyone's thanks, I just wanted to feel good about myself at the end of the day. I think that is a "solo" activity.

Sure, my friends helped me out a lot, always full of thank yous and telling me what a terrific job I was doing on their house, but the best I ever felt, was when I was with their son who has autism. Their son, due to autism is also a perfectionist. OK, well put the 2 of us together. (lol) Their son always hated to make a mistake. Would go into tantrums about this.

Well, I had to finally learn how to make mistakes, point them out to him, try to fix them, but if it still wasn't perfect, it was still good enough. We did our best, and that is what I am asking of you. Just be able to just do your best, laugh about it and walk away.

It was so hard for me to accept this, but I am happy with it now.

I think we both lived with so many high expectancies on us, that we didn't know how to give them up.

(((((((((((((hugs and love))))))))))))
amy

PS - Just thought about this. When my friend with autism was having a temper tantrum, it was like an external venting, while I was having an internal venting and beating myself up.
Think about that.

SparkleKitty

Letting go of shame, actively telling myself that while it felt "right" and "comfortable" it was actually hurting and hindering me, was the most useful skill I have developed in recovery.

Shame is not a useful feeling. I indulged in it for years, always imagining that if I let it go then I would suffer for it. That was a lie. I was only allowing myself to keep myself prisoner.

Hawkeye13

He should be the one worrying--not you

Keep pushing to get this divorce done quickly so you can finally put it behind you.

Of course he isn't coming through on taking your son--that was just for show.

Hang in there

gleefan

Butterfly - I'm more of a lurker than a poster in F&F. Finding a sponsor in Al Anon and working the 12 steps may be just what you need to find peace. The 12 steps definitely help me make sense of my struggles.

Butterfly

Thank you Amy, sparklekitty, hawkeye and gleefan for your kind words ((((hugs))))