I'm johnno1
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I'm johnno1
Lol ii can't get into my own account at all I tried everything anyway I'm johnno1 hi to all you lovely peeps in here.
Its been 3 months since I left highly functional ah he's doing great having kids doing stuff with them he never hardly did ..I've heard he's had some huge binging efforts getting him even in Hosp but overall hes ok he still has drinks when he has the kids but I guess because he's responsible for them and I'm not there he doesn't drin as much and goes to bed early.
The thing is he absolutely hates me for leaving and taking his kids away....he hates me so much...he pays some money and has kids, but is extremely bitter and I see hate in his eyes when he looks at me he also hates my family he was so close to.
It breaks my heart some days it real tough. I thought perhaps we could be friends...I hope we can one day.
Its been 3 months since I left highly functional ah he's doing great having kids doing stuff with them he never hardly did ..I've heard he's had some huge binging efforts getting him even in Hosp but overall hes ok he still has drinks when he has the kids but I guess because he's responsible for them and I'm not there he doesn't drin as much and goes to bed early.
The thing is he absolutely hates me for leaving and taking his kids away....he hates me so much...he pays some money and has kids, but is extremely bitter and I see hate in his eyes when he looks at me he also hates my family he was so close to.
It breaks my heart some days it real tough. I thought perhaps we could be friends...I hope we can one day.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 27
I guess he makes me feel incredibly guilty. I've been ok about it all but its hit me hard this week all the separation from a marriage stuff. I guess he wasn't that bad but to me it was enough for me to leave. He thinks i used his drinking as an excuse to leave maybe I did.
I don't think he takes any blame fully in denial I know but its hard, everyone feels sorry for him and he's doing so great with kids blah blah...and the kids always want to be at home with him and my 8yr old hates our new house. It all feels so sad!
I don't think he takes any blame fully in denial I know but its hard, everyone feels sorry for him and he's doing so great with kids blah blah...and the kids always want to be at home with him and my 8yr old hates our new house. It all feels so sad!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Aw Helly you did what you had to do for a reason.
Why not sit down and write all the incidents that led up to you leaving? Just remind yourself, because he's making a big effort to clean up his act right now to prove to everyone what a good father he is, but when you were around I assume he checked out of the father role in favour of the drinking.
Is there any way you can ensure he doesn't drink and drive with the kids on board? He won't show much inebriation because his tolerance will be high, but his BAC may be over the limit.
Why not sit down and write all the incidents that led up to you leaving? Just remind yourself, because he's making a big effort to clean up his act right now to prove to everyone what a good father he is, but when you were around I assume he checked out of the father role in favour of the drinking.
Is there any way you can ensure he doesn't drink and drive with the kids on board? He won't show much inebriation because his tolerance will be high, but his BAC may be over the limit.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((helly))
Ugh, that's hard to deal with.
Keep taking care of YOU, and it will get easier, slowly but surely. At least, that's what I keep telling myself
I second what FG said about the kids and drinking and driving.
How old are the kids?
Ugh, that's hard to deal with.
Keep taking care of YOU, and it will get easier, slowly but surely. At least, that's what I keep telling myself
I second what FG said about the kids and drinking and driving.
How old are the kids?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Bingeing enough to end up in the hospital is not what I would call "doing great".
Addicts have a great investment in downplaying the severity of their dysfunction. The more they can spread the story they less they have to look inward. Perhaps you can be friends one day but for now he is still living in a world where you betrayed his story. Until he is ready to live in the truth your energy is better focused on you and your kids.
Addicts have a great investment in downplaying the severity of their dysfunction. The more they can spread the story they less they have to look inward. Perhaps you can be friends one day but for now he is still living in a world where you betrayed his story. Until he is ready to live in the truth your energy is better focused on you and your kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry.
The thing is, we are SO MUCH LIKE THEM. When they say they only drink a few a night, we know we can triple that. When we say it wasn't that bad, they only freaked out at us sometimes, only were drunk sometimes, only verbally assaulted us sometimes, well, we can triple that too.
People here often say write a list...of all the crap. They tell us to do it so 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later we don't romanticize the relationship. Our codie voice is strong sometimes...and it can convince us things are better than they were.
His drinking wasn't an excuse to leave, you HAD to leave to have a good life, in part because of his drinking. You DESERVED to leave for a better life. (((HUGS))) it will get better if you can distance yourself from him - communication, social media, all that.
I guess he wasn't that bad but to me it was enough for me to leave.
People here often say write a list...of all the crap. They tell us to do it so 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later we don't romanticize the relationship. Our codie voice is strong sometimes...and it can convince us things are better than they were.
His drinking wasn't an excuse to leave, you HAD to leave to have a good life, in part because of his drinking. You DESERVED to leave for a better life. (((HUGS))) it will get better if you can distance yourself from him - communication, social media, all that.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 27
Thank you I guess I'm just processing and accepting and feeling hurt about the marriage breakup. I wish everyone knew the truth, people judge I recon that I gave up too early.
My kids are 3 7 and 8. He doesn't drive a night when he has them so I'm not worried about that.
Thank you so much everyone.
My kids are 3 7 and 8. He doesn't drive a night when he has them so I'm not worried about that.
Thank you so much everyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. If he ended up in the hospital from drinking I don't think he's doing great. It's probably just easier for him to hide things and clean it up so to speak when he sees you or the kids.
My kids took it pretty hard when I first separated from their dad. They got great counseling through their schools. My oldest talked a lot about hating our much smaller house. She would have hated living full time with active alcoholism much worse. 8 year olds don't see the big picture.
I think you did a great thing for your kids in the long run. You have minimized their exposure to the active drinking and you are their example of a healthy, stable parent with a drama free house.
My kids took it pretty hard when I first separated from their dad. They got great counseling through their schools. My oldest talked a lot about hating our much smaller house. She would have hated living full time with active alcoholism much worse. 8 year olds don't see the big picture.
I think you did a great thing for your kids in the long run. You have minimized their exposure to the active drinking and you are their example of a healthy, stable parent with a drama free house.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Thank you all for your kind words. I'm feeling better. Tonight im going to do that list in what I hated about his drinking and why I left.
I know a lot of the stuff on that list will be what happened 4..5...8 years ago...does that even justify leaving from the hurt so long ago? Because if I'm honest his drinking was much hurtful then..than what it was a year before I left.
He always said I never let go of things and held on to past stuff. Perhaps I did...perhaps that's why it never worked because I never forgave. Who know I'm muddled up!? I guess its the process. And if I'm honest things that hurt me were not as bad as stories on here...he said I was sensitive as too...perhaps I am.
Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!
I know a lot of the stuff on that list will be what happened 4..5...8 years ago...does that even justify leaving from the hurt so long ago? Because if I'm honest his drinking was much hurtful then..than what it was a year before I left.
He always said I never let go of things and held on to past stuff. Perhaps I did...perhaps that's why it never worked because I never forgave. Who know I'm muddled up!? I guess its the process. And if I'm honest things that hurt me were not as bad as stories on here...he said I was sensitive as too...perhaps I am.
Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Helly.....it is not a contest to see who is the most unhappy or abused! Unhappy is unhappy. It is how YOU feel, deep inside. While it is human and good to have compassion for others....each person can only live their life according to their own thoughts and feelings.
You have the right to leave a situation at any time that you concluder that it is not in your best interest to remain---at any point in the relationship.
Even in our Constitution....(if you live in the U.S.) it acknowledges the right to the pursuit of happiness....lol!
There are no happiness police who come along and measure your levels of happiness or unhappiness---and, then, pronounce you as good or bad; justified or unjustified.
In any case, what others think of us is none of our business!..lol.
dandylion
You have the right to leave a situation at any time that you concluder that it is not in your best interest to remain---at any point in the relationship.
Even in our Constitution....(if you live in the U.S.) it acknowledges the right to the pursuit of happiness....lol!
There are no happiness police who come along and measure your levels of happiness or unhappiness---and, then, pronounce you as good or bad; justified or unjustified.
In any case, what others think of us is none of our business!..lol.
dandylion
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