Well crap. I am not as smart as i thought i was....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 138
Well crap. I am not as smart as i thought i was....
Ive been gone awhile. I can give you any number of excuses.....but I won't. I will say that I need help. When I came home from work and hid a 4 pack of wine, racing to get it put away before my husband came thru the door behind me, I fell, busted my chin, bit my tongue and was a mess of tears and blood when my husband made it thru the door. BUT I GOT THAT WINE PUT AWAY.....the thing is, HE wouldn't have said a word, not wanting to fight with me. Maybe I need a fight, I don't know. I went and poured it out and then downloaded SR to my new tablet. So, here I am....
I have been fighting since December with my addiction. I have been weeks without drinking, and then I blow it. I have an autistic/diabetic grandson I help care for, and I DO NOT risk his care by drinking even the day before I have him. Sadly, yesterday my daughter called to see if I was sober to watch him for a few minutes for her...... The idea that she even HAD TO ASK is eating at my heart. I hadn't been drinking AT ALL, but that doesn't really matter does it. So here I go, trying one more time to get it right.
I have been fighting since December with my addiction. I have been weeks without drinking, and then I blow it. I have an autistic/diabetic grandson I help care for, and I DO NOT risk his care by drinking even the day before I have him. Sadly, yesterday my daughter called to see if I was sober to watch him for a few minutes for her...... The idea that she even HAD TO ASK is eating at my heart. I hadn't been drinking AT ALL, but that doesn't really matter does it. So here I go, trying one more time to get it right.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome back 3wolves 
I really recommend thinking about a recovery plan - something a little more detailed than I will try not to drink.
These two links are very good - I really encourage you to take some time & read them
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
I really recommend thinking about a recovery plan - something a little more detailed than I will try not to drink.
These two links are very good - I really encourage you to take some time & read them
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
3wolves your story of rushing to hide the wine, as your husband followed you into the house, resonated with me. I was a closet drinker, but became a bit of an adrenaline junkie because of situations like you described. It became a pathetic game to get into the house with alcohol, undetected. So sad...
It really is a good idea to have a plan for how you will stop drinking and begin to recover. And, you will always find lots of support here.
It really is a good idea to have a plan for how you will stop drinking and begin to recover. And, you will always find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
it has nothing to do with your intelligence.
Well, maybe it actually does.... we who struggle with addiction often seem to be pretty darn smart, pretty in our heads, pretty cerebral and intellectual.... so maybe it's that very intelligence that works against us.
But - I digress. Your situation doesn't mean you're not smart. It means that you have learned more about how deeply addiction is impacting you. It was pretty smart to come here and to share about it.
It's also pretty smart to decide to do something about it.
Welcome back.
Well, maybe it actually does.... we who struggle with addiction often seem to be pretty darn smart, pretty in our heads, pretty cerebral and intellectual.... so maybe it's that very intelligence that works against us.
But - I digress. Your situation doesn't mean you're not smart. It means that you have learned more about how deeply addiction is impacting you. It was pretty smart to come here and to share about it.
It's also pretty smart to decide to do something about it.
Welcome back.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 138
I made it thru today. White knuckled at times, as I was at work, but here I am now. Fed and sober. I think I shall be happy I made it today. I work tomorrow, so my test will be after I clock out, getting ready to come home, do I grab ONE adult beverage, (of course the largest one with the highest alcohol content.....) or do I make it out the door empty handed. Once I get home, I don't drive and I won't walk to the corner store cause my family is in there off and on, and I don't want to be seen buying. Stupid. Yeah, I know. Just my warped thought process. I HAVE to get this under control, if there is such a state. My daughter has been asked to allow my grandson to be the national face of a medical condition, which means appearing in public, away from home, and while she doesn't "trust" me, she trusts only me with him. I have to become someone she CAN trust in all ways, in any situation. So Thank you for being here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 242
I can relate to the hiding, and also to the husband who wouldn't call you out on it. I just got married to the most wonderful man, I used to hide my drinking from him if we weren't in acceptable social situations. One night I accidentally got too drunk to cover it up and confessed to him I have a problem. He told me he didn't think I did and I'm fine. Conflict avoider. I'm using that to empower myself. I don't have to do it for him, I have to do it for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Originally Posted by AlaskaGirl 
I can relate to the hiding, and also to the husband who wouldn't call you out on it. I just got married to the most wonderful man, I used to hide my drinking from him if we weren't in acceptable social situations. One night I accidentally got too drunk to cover it up and confessed to him I have a problem. He told me he didn't think I did and I'm fine. Conflict avoider. I'm using that to empower myself. I don't have to do it for him, I have to do it for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 359
I understand so much about not wanting to be seen. I have a rotation of shops I visit so that I was not buying alcohol from the same store each night - so the cashiers would not recognize me as the person that buys alcohol every single night instead as the person that came in once or twice a week to buy.
Congratulations on pouring the wine out, that was the harder of the choices...but it was definitely the best. One step, one day...
Congratulations on pouring the wine out, that was the harder of the choices...but it was definitely the best. One step, one day...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 138
Thank you all for your kind words and much needed hugs.
I made it thru the front door without the drink. I ordered a beading pattern on line, karma saw to it that it arrived today, a week early, so now I am anticipating the joy of starting a project with a clear mind......beading is a B$@€# to undo when my drink addled brain has been working on it!
Fitting the situation.....its Angels. Yep, that's it, instead of drinking I will pull out the iPod, turn up the Eminem, and do something positive with myself and my journey. It has been my true pattern to pout angrily on the couch when I was wanting to drink and had none. So today I work on not being angry, at myself or anyone else.
My husband and I talked last night, calmly, wether he TRUELY get the depths of my dis pair, but I did ask him to help keep me accountable. If I say something about a drink, ask me if I want to throw "x" number of days away....I had to promise to remember what brought me there, asking for his help, and not cut loose on him in a rage.
Sober promises...
I made it thru the front door without the drink. I ordered a beading pattern on line, karma saw to it that it arrived today, a week early, so now I am anticipating the joy of starting a project with a clear mind......beading is a B$@€# to undo when my drink addled brain has been working on it!
Fitting the situation.....its Angels. Yep, that's it, instead of drinking I will pull out the iPod, turn up the Eminem, and do something positive with myself and my journey. It has been my true pattern to pout angrily on the couch when I was wanting to drink and had none. So today I work on not being angry, at myself or anyone else.
My husband and I talked last night, calmly, wether he TRUELY get the depths of my dis pair, but I did ask him to help keep me accountable. If I say something about a drink, ask me if I want to throw "x" number of days away....I had to promise to remember what brought me there, asking for his help, and not cut loose on him in a rage.
Sober promises...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
why not check out the Class of September support thread 3wolves?
it's a great place for help and encouragement:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-13.html
it's a great place for help and encouragement:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-13.html
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
A few years back a family friend and I were discussing an issue that got slightly elevated with differing opinions. We were at a point of just walking away and leaving it alone. I commented something like - when you realize I'm right, call me tonight. She replied - I've learned never to call you after about 5 o'clock.
Wow, she had no idea how much those true words hurt ...........effin ouch. Your post reminded me of that conversation from a few year ago.
I had not seen this gal in quite awhile and bumped into her. We talked and said our goodbyes - she said I'll call ya'll soon. I replied call anytime.......she smiled.
Change is possible, acceptance is the key!
Glad you're posting - hope you'll make the life changing decision to quit once and for all.
Wow, she had no idea how much those true words hurt ...........effin ouch. Your post reminded me of that conversation from a few year ago.
I had not seen this gal in quite awhile and bumped into her. We talked and said our goodbyes - she said I'll call ya'll soon. I replied call anytime.......she smiled.
Change is possible, acceptance is the key!
Glad you're posting - hope you'll make the life changing decision to quit once and for all.
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