my first post
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my first post
Hi.. i am an alcoholic but in recovery now.. i attend daily AA meetings and am working with a sponsor doing step work.. ive been sober for 2 months.. the reason i am posting is because the only women ive ever truly loved had to get caught up in this and i am devestated as i know she is.. i know that we still have love between is but not currently together. We still talk thru texting occasionally and i am always supportive and upbeat but she has seen this routine before.. i truly want sobriety now and i really hope for another chance with her down the line. Just wondering if anyone has any advice for this. I know only my actions will mean anything at this point and thats what i am going to do..i love her so much but i got outa control over last few months
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear Gonzo
Glad to see you here, although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us. Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
Your lady friend (wife?) also needs to get sober in her own program. There are dynamics that have worked between you two that encouraged you to drink. The alcoholic is hooked on the bottle, while their codependents are hooked on relationships with alcoholics.
There is hope for the two of you together IF you BOTH work your own programs. Good luck, and keep coming back!
Glad to see you here, although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us. Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
Your lady friend (wife?) also needs to get sober in her own program. There are dynamics that have worked between you two that encouraged you to drink. The alcoholic is hooked on the bottle, while their codependents are hooked on relationships with alcoholics.
There is hope for the two of you together IF you BOTH work your own programs. Good luck, and keep coming back!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Gonzo, congratulations on your 2 months.
If it was your GF asking in F&F forum the advice would probably be 'see how it goes after he's been 12 months sober'.
With 2 months under your belt, you're still in early days and recovery is an intense period. Make sure you don't relapse and maybe after a year you can show her you were serious about recovery. If you get together with her now, who's to say you won't fall back into the old ways and let her down again?
Are you doing this because you want her back or because you genuinely want to change for your own sake?
You say you got out of control. It may be that she's had enough. If that's the case you need to respect that and move on.
If it was your GF asking in F&F forum the advice would probably be 'see how it goes after he's been 12 months sober'.
With 2 months under your belt, you're still in early days and recovery is an intense period. Make sure you don't relapse and maybe after a year you can show her you were serious about recovery. If you get together with her now, who's to say you won't fall back into the old ways and let her down again?
Are you doing this because you want her back or because you genuinely want to change for your own sake?
You say you got out of control. It may be that she's had enough. If that's the case you need to respect that and move on.
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Also like to add that in the texts she is kinda cold. Its very to the point how are u hows your day etc.. i understand she needs time and space right now and i need to be fully in my recovery.. i just will have a very hard time if we cant work it out..not enough to start drinking again but would truly be hurt.. any input is much appreciated thank you
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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She's detached is my guess. But that feels cold to you it sounds like. I don't really blame her for being detached or cold. She's looking out for her own well being is my assumption.
Maybe you should speak to her directly about how she's feeling and what she's thinking if you think you're ready and able to hear it?
Congrats on your 2 months of sobriety.
Wishing you success for many more.
Maybe you should speak to her directly about how she's feeling and what she's thinking if you think you're ready and able to hear it?
Congrats on your 2 months of sobriety.
Wishing you success for many more.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats on your two months! I'm seven years sober, myself.
My suggestion is to put your focus ENTIRELY on your recovery, not on fixing this relationship. Your sobriety is what will make life worth living REGARDLESS of what happens with the relationship. What's in the past is in the past--you can't change it. Focus on being the person you were meant to be. and things will work out the way they are supposed to. Maybe you will reunite with her, maybe not. YOU might change and grow to the point where that relationship no longer "fits" you. Anything is possible.
Respect her need for space right now and keep your focus on your own recovery.
My suggestion is to put your focus ENTIRELY on your recovery, not on fixing this relationship. Your sobriety is what will make life worth living REGARDLESS of what happens with the relationship. What's in the past is in the past--you can't change it. Focus on being the person you were meant to be. and things will work out the way they are supposed to. Maybe you will reunite with her, maybe not. YOU might change and grow to the point where that relationship no longer "fits" you. Anything is possible.
Respect her need for space right now and keep your focus on your own recovery.
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Thanks for the replies..much appreciated. . I am totally getting sober for me..alcoholism has put me through the ringers and every one around me so many times and ive had it.. AA is working great for me because i finally surrendered.. now i can finally be teachable.. its just difficult cuz the axe really came down my first couple weeks sober..thats when she had had it.. so is the advice that i should no contact her?? I really love this girl..we were close to getting married before she saw the red flags.. weve been in love since highschool and we are 35 now.. we came back together a year ago on pure fate but unfortunately i was a mess..my disease progressed...
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And does detached mean done..moved on..mind made up?? She also doesnt seem to interested in any alanon meetings..at least thats what she said a month ago..she is very religious spiritual and centered on her own..
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Because the disease mostly takes over the addict ( meaning they are either drunk, crabby and wanting to drink, or recovering from drink), it often leads us to detach from the addict completely, - no part of this cycle is fun or healthy to be around. That being said - we know there are great times in between 
The timeframe is different for everyone, but the process of awareness ,acceptance, action, attitude is relatively similar it seems.
The timeframe is different for everyone, but the process of awareness ,acceptance, action, attitude is relatively similar it seems.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Well done on your sobriety .
I cant add anything more than what LexieCat says except I don,t believe in texting in these situations because it's hard to gauge the words/feelings sometimes .
I do wish you all the best with your love life but being sober is the only way it will happen .
I cant add anything more than what LexieCat says except I don,t believe in texting in these situations because it's hard to gauge the words/feelings sometimes .
I do wish you all the best with your love life but being sober is the only way it will happen .
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Congratulations on your 2 months, Gonzo, that is terrific!
For loved ones of addicts, trust is an extremely difficult commodity to regain once lost. If she is keeping her distance now, it is because her experience is telling her not to get too close or to lead you to have expectations of her or of a future relationship that she cannot guarantee right now.
It will take TIME for her to see and believe in the changes you are making. You can't rush it, force it, or make it happen. Any energy you spend focused on her, what she is doing, what she is thinking, or what will happen is FAR better invested in your own recovery.
No one can guarantee that if you do X, Y, and Z you two will end up together. You may, you may not. Sometimes you really have to let go of someone you love so that you both can become people who are capable of healthy, loving partnerships. You may or may not have those partnerships with each other. Accepting this fact will give you the emotional freedom to focus on maintaining your sobriety and building your recovery.
For loved ones of addicts, trust is an extremely difficult commodity to regain once lost. If she is keeping her distance now, it is because her experience is telling her not to get too close or to lead you to have expectations of her or of a future relationship that she cannot guarantee right now.
It will take TIME for her to see and believe in the changes you are making. You can't rush it, force it, or make it happen. Any energy you spend focused on her, what she is doing, what she is thinking, or what will happen is FAR better invested in your own recovery.
No one can guarantee that if you do X, Y, and Z you two will end up together. You may, you may not. Sometimes you really have to let go of someone you love so that you both can become people who are capable of healthy, loving partnerships. You may or may not have those partnerships with each other. Accepting this fact will give you the emotional freedom to focus on maintaining your sobriety and building your recovery.
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Thank you all so much for your comments..it means a lot..i know u are all exactly right because i feel the same way.. i guess i should just stop contacting her completely. .it will be really hard cuz of the true love i really feel for her.. i just didnt get help in time which is sad.. but i got help now and am feeling better one day at a time..if we belong together god will make it so.. i will just stay 110%focused on recovery and maybe she will get in touch with me in the future. (Hopefully) id like to keep you all posted.. i no i will need future advice lol...thx again
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And one final thing.. over the majority of the relationship i was gone a lot (over road truck driver)so there was that strain on things as well. Not that i didnt drink in front of her at home and get stupid at times but just wanted to add that if it matters at all i dont know
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perhaps talking to her directly about some of this would help you get some of the answers you're seeking-- or even if not, it would certainly let you feel you said this to the person you're concerned with...
one of the things i truly don't think my xAH ever realized- and i dont know that this is true of all A's but it may be- is this: it was hardy ever his drinking itself that caused issues. the physical act of drinking wasn't nearly the problem that the lying, the withdrawing, the mood swings, the blame of me for his crap choices etc.... was...
so while to the A, not drinking for a period of time is a HUGE deal (and i truly can't imagine how hard that must be if you're an addict), the personality and behavior issues and the mindset are all the stuff that are exceptionally hard for the non A to live with....
i don't know what the issues were between you and your friend but if any of those behaviors were a part of the equation, i imagine she's going to need longer than 2 months to feel she wants to trust you again...
one of the things i truly don't think my xAH ever realized- and i dont know that this is true of all A's but it may be- is this: it was hardy ever his drinking itself that caused issues. the physical act of drinking wasn't nearly the problem that the lying, the withdrawing, the mood swings, the blame of me for his crap choices etc.... was...
so while to the A, not drinking for a period of time is a HUGE deal (and i truly can't imagine how hard that must be if you're an addict), the personality and behavior issues and the mindset are all the stuff that are exceptionally hard for the non A to live with....
i don't know what the issues were between you and your friend but if any of those behaviors were a part of the equation, i imagine she's going to need longer than 2 months to feel she wants to trust you again...
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Yes exactly right.. i went thru terrible depression my first couple weeks of sobriety. ( i needed to get a sponsor right away but didnt) so i didnt know how to handle my emotions and more importantly hers.. and of course she has trust issues about my drinking but i never got help before. Now i go to AA daily and have a sponsor and am working the steps.. between the steps sponsor and praying to god my moods have been turning great.. i still get down sometimes sure but now i am learning how to use the tools AA is teaching me to not bring everyone else down around me..im just so excited for her to see the positive changes ive made.. i love her so so much
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And i know im not a bad person.i have a loving family and work hard.. i just lost my way in a very ugly disease and didnt get the help i needed when i should of.. same old story..thought i could do it on my own blah blah blah...but i feel like im doing great and my sponsor agrees in my recovery.. im very early in but i want to be the way i once was so badly!! Happy and healthy. Thx for hearing my ramblings. Lol.
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Yes exactly right.. i went thru terrible depression my first couple weeks of sobriety. ( i needed to get a sponsor right away but didnt) so i didnt know how to handle my emotions and more importantly hers.. and of course she has trust issues about my drinking but i never got help before. Now i go to AA daily and have a sponsor and am working the steps.. between the steps sponsor and praying to god my moods have been turning great.. i still get down sometimes sure but now i am learning how to use the tools AA is teaching me to not bring everyone else down around me..im just so excited for her to see the positive changes ive made.. i love her so so much
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