thomas11

I had roughly 90 days sober, and then I drank a little bit awhile back. I pretty much got nothing out of it, and the same happened this past weekend with company in town. I clearly remember prior to my accident that I would really look forward to the weekend and drinking. I was a reward based drinker, so I'd work hard all week then hit it hard. I remember enjoying it. But it got stupid sometimes and that's why I joined this site. But I would have good conversation, listen to some music, cook on the grill etc....I was guilty of over doing it on occasion and paid the price the next day. I think I have drank 3 times in the last month or so, and its just not the same...at all. I don't even finish my 2nd drink. I pour half of it out. Something has changed. I guess I'll look at it as a good thing, but I'm being completely honest in saying to don't derive any real pleasure out of it. The obvious question will be "well, then why did you do it?" I understand that. I don't have an answer other than maybe I expect it to be fun and rewarding. So, I end up pouring half of the second drink down the drain, eat well and sleep well and wake up the next day feeling good or more accurately, normal. But that brings me back to the title of my thread, am I guilty of minimizing drinking?
The other thing that has had quite an impact is reading all the posts from people who are struggling or have recently had some pretty bad experiences because of drinking. I feel really bad for them because I can relate to much of it and I don't envy their situation. I went to a pig roast on Saturday and my wife made me a drink, I had like 3 sips, talked with some folks and we left. I heard today that things got pretty out of control and people were just leaving Sunday morning. People sleeping everywhere, some not sleeping at all and just kept going. Yuk. Then I'm reminded that a year ago (this is an annual event), it could have been me. Curious to know what others make of this?

silentrun

Yes, I think you are tricking yourself Jeff.

Jsbodhi

I don't know! I suppose only you really know if you have a problem or not; on the surface I appear like my drinking is ok, and alcohol doesn't affect my life, people that know me would be shocked if they read what I admit on here, I'm really the only one who knows how deep my alcohol problem goes, so you are the the best one to answer you question I think
A few months ago people would say my drinking was out of control, but I just hide it better now.
Good luck!

Saskia

Jeff, total honesty - it sounds to me like your AV is still trying to get you to drink. But, what do I know ... it's your life, marriage, health, etc so it's your choice how to deal with this. I for one am happy to support anyone looking to stay sober. IMHO, AlcoholicsRUs.

entropy1964

Hi Thomas
I haven't been here long enough to know your story. But I think this is the second thread I've read where you are, I think, wondering whether or not you are like 'us' or not. You seemed concerned about all those suffering, but in a way that says 'that's not me'. So if it's not, yippee. You're not an alcoholic. Enjoy the 3 sips of the drink your wife makes you and consider yourself lucky. Maybe you caught yourself early and are relieved of the obsession. Heck I dunno. No one knows you but you. Either way, there is an arguement that booze is pretty bad for ya, alchie or no, so if you're so disinterested maybe just stop. Just to be on the safe side.
Good luck either way.

thomas11

I think I agree with you Saskia, my AV is telling me "hey, remember how much fun we had?". But its not working. I hope it stays that way.

sleepie

A little bit playing with fire, I think.

PennyLane76

Start of a slippery slope I think Jeff. AV is patient, will wait till you don't pour out the 2nd drink and off to the races again with AV winning.

Dee74

Having watched your journey Jeff, I really do think you're a drinker like me.

A lifelong alcoholic, and a hopeless one - so long as you keep drinking in any volume..

I know that's hard to hear - but if you could read back through all your threads here (somehow including the ones that have been removed) I think you'd have to agree with me...

I would have periods when I would drink like a gentleman too...and periods where drinking was not pleasurable for me.... but they never lasted.

I don't believe any time off is going to fix or reset you or somehow make you 'normal'.

I'd really hate for you to hit the dirt again hard in order for you to really accept, once and for all, what you are and that this is just more AV BS, man.

D

letitgo

AV=terrorist.
Do not negotiate with terrorists. Your not convinced you want to be sober therefore you will continue to drink.
I think your posts are are thought provoking and good for others to read. The answer is you will continue to drink because your not all in which is your porogative. If you were truly minamizing you wouldnt have posted. It appears you are torn between sobriety and drinking.

A lot of people want to be sober but do not want to quit drinking. You seem to be one of these people Jeff. No offense.

courage2

To be honest with you, Jeff, I wouldn't say you had 90 days sober. As I recall, a lot of your dry days coincided with you being more-or-less bedridden, and you were on painkillers a lot of that time. If I'm wrong about the chronology of your story, my apologies.

What I *would* say is that anyone can achieve 1 day of abstinence in 1 day, but takes hundreds of days of abstinence and *a lot of other work* for a serious drinker to become sober.

If you start drinking again after you didn't drink for 90 days or so, you never quit. You just hesitated.

To me, you seem to be struggling in the grips of some powerful self-told lies. I hope you find your way free, and it's not too painful.

Marcher13

I think your AV is doing a great number on you Jeff, it's convincing you that you really can drink without problems, heck it's even telling you that you can moderate by only having one or one-and-a-half. It's convincing you that you don't even like what you are drinking.

Uh-huh.

I don't like peanuts but I don't eat a bowl of them to find out if I like them better today. So if you don't like drinking and you know what it's done to you in the past then why are you drinking?

thomas11

Its hard to hear, but I believe you. Probably a matter of time if I continue. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I've been to my bottom and don't ever want to return. I'd throw myself in rehab or detox if I reached that point.

thomas11

Courage, you are not wrong. Regarding the minimal alcohol intake, please don't confuse it for me being proud of myself, I was not. I was disinterested. Realistically it would probably take one episode of really enjoying a good drinking session and I'd be chasing the devil again every weekend. God, I don't want that.

thomas11

Right now I'm focused on two things, one is weening myself off of medication, and two is completing this life transition. It is a bit of a roller-coaster in an of itself. Throw in an alcohol fueled bender and the frickin damn could burst and I'd be big trouble. Current plan is to remain focused on those two things, its enough at the moment. I'll take on more in the coming weeks. A year ago I would have considered my current pace of life pathetic and lame and would have added alcohol to the mix to make things interesting. We all know how well that goes. So, for now, everything is ok, and I accept it.

matilda123

Jeff, just to share my experience (which of course is only my experience). I had 6+ months of sobriety.Felt great. So great, that I let a glass of wine slip in here and there, once and awhile. Then, it was more frequent, with a glass maybe every other night, and, on a few occasions, more than one glass. For me, I can see the signs...it is starting to creep back into my life, and given my patterns and my habit of reward and stress drinking, that isn't a good thing. Back to day 1.

I guess the question is, why do it? If one is disinterested, then it means, nah, can go with or without it. Maybe then just do without?

thomas11

Thanks Matila, you are right. I just broke down pretty hard. I read intheend's post and it just hit me in the gut. I just turned 48 on the 4th and I don't want to just "exist" the rest of my life. Right now alcohol is not the problem, it is the feeling of failure and uncertainty about my future. Its just so hard to accept failure. it rips me apart. I've cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 10 years, and men aren't supposed to cry. So here I sit at my computer, alone, crying. It sucks. bad. Need to pull out of it.

ScottFromWI

I'd disagree with that Jeff. Alcohol is a problem for you and even when you aren't drinking it enters your mind a lot...and you post about your struggles with it frequently.

I've said it all along but I think you are ignoring this and have been since you've been here. You put your heart and soul into your business, and also into your physcial recovery from your injury. You really have never taken an official stance on your alcoholism though or treated it with the fervor and intensity that you attack everything else. That's pretty evident in the fact that you have willingly consumed alcohol more than once since your accident, and you post quite often about cravings and justifications for your drinking.

I understand you have a lot of other things going on in your life right now, big heavy things. But the bottom line is that if you don't respect your problem with alcohol and treat it as such, it's sill a problem and a threat to the rest of your life.

sg1970

Let me start by saying I'm not harping on you. Everytime I read a thread like this I have to ask myself why even test it? Why is taking even one drink worth taking the chance on getting on the crazy train? Maybe you aren't like us, but after knowing what you know now, why even risk it? There are millions of people who never take a drink in their life. Why not be like them instead of one of us?

EndGameNYC

You've again placed a condition on your sobriety. All you need is that one good drinking session. And in your more recent thread, you're again signalling your next relapse.

You’ve got to start getting honest with yourself, man. I’ve gotta give it to you straight; you’ve been doing this for a long time. You insisted on several occasions that your falling down the stairs, which disabled you for several weeks, could have happened to anyone, and that it was not the result of your being drunk at the time. You stated the facts, but was your version of the events truly honest? You clearly minimized the role your drinking played in this instance. Sure, lots of folks take a fall, walk into walls and drive into trees while sober, but it’s ludicrous to insist that such things can happen to anyone when they happen to us while we’re drinking. One has nothing to do with the other.

You regularly appeal to your being honest here about hemming and hawing over drinking, and then eventually pick up the drink again. As others have suggested, this pattern has become predictable. In this thread, it was "only a few sips.” For me, this is not honesty; it’s truth-telling, stating facts. Truth-telling is not the same as being honest. Honesty is a way of being, an orientation towards the world, towards ourselves, and towards other people; a personality trait that we only compromise under extreme conditions or when it's the right thing to do. Truth-telling often carries an agenda: extracting respect from other people, harming someone else, garnering attention, manipulating other people’s perceptions of us, getting what we want with no regard for how this may affect other people. “You look great in that dress, but you’d look even better if you lost ten pounds!” “Yeah, I killed your cat, but at least I was honest about it.” Extreme examples, but you get my point. At least I hope you do. There’s little else as extreme as an active alcoholic putting himself in danger by drinking. Honesty, particularly in terms of getting sober, is not about what we say or what we reveal. It's not about truth-telling; it’s about what we do. My agenda here in truth-telling is to help you not only see your thinking patterns around your drinking, but to also help you to accept them.

No one likes to see someone relapse. When you put aside all your excuses for relapsing, what are you left with? “The first time you make a mistake it’s an accident, the second time you make the same mistake it’s on purpose, and the third time you make that same mistake it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a habit.”

You’ve long ago established your pattern, yet you seem to remain unaware of it. This is serious ****, man. You could have killed yourself when you took your fall. It’s time that you accept that you’re an alcoholic, or whatever description makes you comfortable in accepting that you have a self-destructive relationship with alcohol. If that doesn’t work for you, then think about what alcohol has done for you and whether or not it’s worth it to continue trying to get your drinking right, instead of getting honest with yourself, instead of living sober.