olyandstreak

My significant other is a drunk/alcoholic binge drinker. He has disappeared for about three days now. Having been in by being for the last 2 1/2 years. I know that I have been an enabler. But my eyes are open now. Three weeks ago I told him he needed to leave or start going to AAA and I would stand by him. He haS yet to do so. And didn't drink for about three weeks. And this week he has been on a bender, I can smell him, and find bottles and cans in the trash. The neighbors have been commenting on him passed out on the patio, and as I laid down the law, no alcohol in the house, quit seek help and you get to keep me in this life, or find another place. It looks like he was going to start help. He visited one AAA meeting. And then claims that it felt really like she was being attacked. Again just excuses. I see that now. I've been going to Al-Anon. I presume he will be home in a couple of hours from his vendor. Or maybe not. I don't know where it is, I don't really care anymore. He has no car, so I presume he used and Uber car to get downtown. We are supposed to go to my family's family reunion in Colorado on Wednesday. Today when I see him, or tomorrow when I see him, I will ask him that he needs to find another dwelling, and that he is no longer invited to my family's. It's a longer story than this though. I'm not going to get into those details right now. But I need some advice as to how to approach this conversation when he will obviously be either still drunk or hung over. Someone please give me a platform onto which I can approach the situation without him going Agro I do not deserve this, I will not be an enabler, I did not cause it, it's not my fault, and I cannot fix it. Yes I know all this stuff. And I set my boundaries. In fact my heart is quite cold right now. I love the man, he is an amazing human being, but when he drinks, he is Jekyll and Hyde. I really do need some advice here. Asked to start this conversation when I see him.

Anna

Is his name on the lease or mortgage of the property? If so, then asking him to leave could be very difficult. If he is part-owner, perhaps you should consider leaving and that way you wouldn't have to confront him. If he is not part-owner, then you could find out from a lawyer if it's legal to put him out and if you might need the police involved for your protection.

biminiblue

You say he might get aggressive...

Why not call a Domestic Abuse hotline in your area? They can advise you legally about the landlord/tenant laws in your area, and they can also offer you assistance in confronting him or they can give you emergency shelter should he become abusive.

This is a very delicate time. I would be prepared. The domestic violence hotlines are free and they know how to handle this.

Anna

Here is the link for the Domestic Abuse Hotline:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

Dee74

Welcome olyandstreak - you'll find a lot of support here.

D

Confusedchick

Being in the housing industry, I can give you a little insight. If his name is on the mortgage or lease, it is not as simple as saying leave. He would have the right to access the premises and even if you change the locks, a locksmith would be in his/her right to open the door for him.

I would agree with the above, call the domestic abuse line as you would need a restraining order to keep him out until you can get his name off of the lease. Getting his name off of a mortgage is near impossible. Both would involve court action.

It might be easier for you to find other housing, but if you are renting, you most likely wouldn't be removed from the lease until it expired.

Best wishes on closing the door on the past and entering the better one.

olyandstreak

He's on our lease but I contacted our landlord telling her everything. I'm sure she will help. Yes I could leave but I own everything in the house. What a pain! So I hope he just leaves. Cuz if I do, he'll have his clothing, and a tv. That's all. And I'm canceling direct tv today. So really nothing. It makes sense in both our cases for him to go. He's not violent at all. Just a blackout drunk.

Familyhelper151

You need some motivation. Keep you head up and stay strong. I try to inspire my friends and family and keep them positive. Don't let a bad role model keep you down.

If you want help with motivation, I use some quotes for my family

Some good sites are:
Recovery.org
Addictionrecoveryquotes.com
Duffysrehab.com/infographics

Keep your head up and stay strong. We got your back!

olyandstreak

I made him leave while the police stood on the sidewalk. Tough love. My heart aches,,, but it's the only way. He cannot come back in unless escorted. I'm so terribly sad. Why can't he just get the damn help???? Get to AA??? God. He's going to lose it all. It all

Yazzylove

I'm soo sorry you are going through this right now! My heart aches for you! We are all here to help/ talk/support you!

Ruby2

I'm sorry you're hurting. He may well lose it all and it doesn't make sense to anyone not an alcoholic. He'll go if and when he's ready but that doesn't sound like now.

You're doing the right thing. You know you can't fix, manage or control it so accepting it will be your best route. Along with changing what you can. Hang in there.

olyandstreak

I know "It's not my fault, I cannot fix it, I did not create it." It's on him now. He's the love of my life, but it's my turn and my time to work on me and me alone. Until he sees the light, if and when, he will never get it. Alcohol is in his brain, blood, bones, heart and soul. Once he admits he's powerless, and needs a higher power to help him, he will start to get well. But until he faces the mirror, he will sag lower and lower. This hurts me in the most fundamental way, but I'm powerless over his choice. I can only help myself, control my actions. This website is helping remind me of that, and I so grateful. It's holding me together. As is Alanon, and my three sponsors whose phones I've blown the heck up, ha. But without them, I'd let him back. So right now, I need you all,. Keep posting. Please. Please reaffirm I'm doing the correct thing. Until I can believe it without affirmation. Pray, please, both my sweet man and I need prayers. No matter what they are, as long as they are positive. And for the rest of you going through this, I pray for you all too.

olyandstreak

Argh. Need support. He's angry as heck. I'm trying to just pray for me, and him. Serenity prayer. Yoga, breathing, talking to sponsors, running like 12 m a day! But I've no appetite, and that's no good. I heart food, and it just tastes like crap right now. Ok. Breathe. He'll come back sober or he won't' I've no control. At least I don't feel guilty or like I did the wrong thing. That's a plus.

Bird615

I had to do the same thing. I was sober living with a drinker. He made a few half-hearted attempts to get sober, but as soon as I went back (too soon), he'd go back to drinking. I finally had to let go for good and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had to cut off all contact, because I was so scared he would sweet-talk me into going back again. Being an alcoholic myself, I knew he wouldn't get sober until he wanted to, and he didn't want to.

He tried everything to get me to come back, but it was almost predictable. First the charm, then the pleading, then the anger. When none of that worked, it turned into harassment and I had to get a restraining order. He went to jail a couple of times. And this was the most sweetest charming guy when sober.

It was really hard to go through, but I know I had done everything I could and it was down to saving myself. At first, I couldn't eat or sleep, felt lost and depressed. I had to just ride it out. Went to an AA meeting every night, just to be around people and for support. I'd heard something once about if it's going to hurt either way, then might as well go through the hurt that's going to end you up in a better place.

It will eventually get better. Do what you can to get some food into you; you know it's easier to deal with stuff if you take care of yourself. Best wishes.

olyandstreak

I'm dark right now. Lying in bed. In the gorgeous mountains. And am just so damn sad it's unreal. My guy is amazing sober. My soul mate. But is killing himself when he drinks. And its killing me,
And we are supposed to be here at my folks for this huge wonderful fam. Reunion together but I canceled his ticket, and now I have to explain why he's not here and risk angry family at him cuz they don't understand. Guess a lie won't hurt here. Ask them to pretend hes here and next time he will be. I'm so terribly sad. I wish there were a meeting anywhere near here right now, but no. Ugh help me I need some great words of hope and love right this moment.

Soberwolf

Footprints In The Sand - Poem by Mary Stevenson : Pearls Of Wisdom

Dee74

Do you have support apart from us Olyandstreak?

have you considered alanon at all?

D

fantail

Oly, you're doing the right thing. Of course you're sad, and missing him, and scared for him. But try to see the family reunion as a good thing. This is a chance to be around people aside from him who love you. It's good to remind yourself that he's not the only person in your life. I've been there and it's way too easy to lose sight of all the other love in your life.

In your shoes I'd be honest with a few close family members (although probably not sharing too many of the details... that might put you in the weird position of defending him, which I don't think is healthy right now). In general though I'd just say he had a work conflict or something of the sort. And then shift the focus back to you and your family.

olyandstreak

Yes I'm in Alanon. Aggressively. Three sponsors too. And yes a work thing will deflect any questioning. I love you guys. Keep sending me peaceful stuff. I so badly need it. Thanks so much