I lost it today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I lost it today
That is to say I lost it emotionally. I'm still pulling things out of the marital home bit by bit. My house is so tiny in comparison that its taking me time to go thru everything and find its new place in my home.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Katchie 
That is to say I lost it emotionally. I'm still pulling things out of the marital home bit by bit. My house is so tiny in comparison that its taking me time to go thru everything and find its new place in my home.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
I think you are just getting ahead of yourself.
Given all the past issues and emotions that got hurt,
there is going to be some leftover venting and mess to clean up.
it doesn't just disappear into nowhere, it can take a process to work through.
Because you are caring and put thought and consideration into all things you do,
that also means you may be AWARE of the thoughts and feelings healing and releasing. Your caring sensitivity is a major advantage in understanding others, but the flip side is that you feel changes in the process instead of turning that off. Remember your sensitivity that is causing you to feel greater pain at times is actually a strength, that allows you to feel, think about and understand things deeper than those without this capacity for deep compassion and empathy. This just happens to be the downside of it.
If you keep forgiving the negative bumps in the road when they happen, they will pass more smoothly. If you fear and dread them, hoping to suppress them, well, experience says that makes it worse.
Just know and take comfort that you are on the right track. The positive drive and purpose is leading you in a forward direction.
Any leftover angst is just old stuff echoing from the past still working its way out.
I hate that too, but it will pass. and will be gone after that, because you are not piling any more on. it is finite, there is only so much left in the system, and once you clean it out, it's no more! Yay!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Katchie
That is to say I lost it emotionally. I'm still pulling things out of the marital home bit by bit. My house is so tiny in comparison that its taking me time to go thru everything and find its new place in my home.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
I asked my stbxa to pull down some large plastic tubs of stored old clothing I had out grown. I've been losing so much weight I need to see what I can fin into since my current wardrobe is too big. He did and stacked them neatly in the middle of the garage. While I was there I went into the house to pick up any mail he may have put at the front door and did a walk thru to see what else I could squeeze in my car and noticed that he's started decorating the house in his own way. I was very disturbed to find pictures of me and him together framed and put up at the entry and other places in the house. Why?? Did he want me to see them? I had to leave. I couldn't handle seeing those photos around my old home. Little reminders of when things weren't so bad.
Later in the day, my son called me needing my signature and a notary public for a document. We went by stbxa's office since he has one and its free for our use and noticed he has put up a couple of new pictures of the two of us up in his office. Its just weird. I tried not to look at them or acknowledge them to him. And he looked like crap. His face was a little red and his eyes blood shot. He just didn't look good.
Its been an emotional day. Im not sure I understand it because I am so much happier. I was/am so ready to move on and this just caught me off guard. I don't want to be sad about him anymore. I'm so tired of it all. The pictures just don't seem appropriate, but its his space.
thanks for listening.
I'm so sorry Katchie. You know you did everything you could. I think you were one of the most patient people here. Forget about that and focus on that new home that you have. Trying to remember here, I know the house was in your family, was it your mothers or grandmothers house?
Tell us how you are doing with that. I for one am really curious.
Always thinking about you and wishing you well.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Honestly Katchie I would say your STBX is displaying the #1 curse of alcoholism which is denial. Or, it could be the #2 curse of manipulation. Or it could be both.
Divorce is difficult and you were together a long time. Perhaps if he looks at the pics of you together in happier times hung around the house and office he can deny that this is happening.
I wonder if employees in his office know what's happening? I assume they would know you are going through a divorce at this point it would be very hard to hide.
Sorry this upset you it would be too, more from a "how weird it this" standpoint than anything.
Divorce is difficult and you were together a long time. Perhaps if he looks at the pics of you together in happier times hung around the house and office he can deny that this is happening.
I wonder if employees in his office know what's happening? I assume they would know you are going through a divorce at this point it would be very hard to hide.
Sorry this upset you it would be too, more from a "how weird it this" standpoint than anything.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe he likes pretending he still has an intact family. Maybe he misses you.
As you said, it's his space now and he can decorate it as he wants to.
Those emotional pangs you feel will come from time to time, and they will pass. Hopefully you will have all your stuff soon and this part of it will be behind you.
Hugs,
As you said, it's his space now and he can decorate it as he wants to.
Those emotional pangs you feel will come from time to time, and they will pass. Hopefully you will have all your stuff soon and this part of it will be behind you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Speaking of pics, there is one particular photo that annoys me, and my stbxah uses it, as his desktop background and also as his facebook profile pic. Nothing special, just two of us sitting, but him kinda looking hunky and me leaning toward him (however, he is not leaning toward me to hug or anything). And last night, I was wondering why he liked that pic so much. It is at least 7 years old, and we do not have many recent pics (if any) together at all.
So my theory is that he is "remembering the old times," "loving and celebrating" the codependent me(you). Living in denial.
So my theory is that he is "remembering the old times," "loving and celebrating" the codependent me(you). Living in denial.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
XABF went through
"well we can live apart and still be a couple"
no
"well we can still have sex"
no
"well we can still be best friends"
no
The denial is strong. They numb their way through life i think, then when something REAL happens, they have to protect themselves somehow.
I dunno. But I'm with ya, Katchie - I am happy too. It is hard seeing them and how they are dealing, and of course the momentary waves of sadness over what we miss, and what we think "could have been."
BIG HUGS lots of empathy, and High five to a new, better life.
"well we can live apart and still be a couple"
no
"well we can still have sex"
no
"well we can still be best friends"
no
The denial is strong. They numb their way through life i think, then when something REAL happens, they have to protect themselves somehow.
I dunno. But I'm with ya, Katchie - I am happy too. It is hard seeing them and how they are dealing, and of course the momentary waves of sadness over what we miss, and what we think "could have been."
BIG HUGS lots of empathy, and High five to a new, better life.
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