meggem

Hi everyone. I haven't been around in a while. I think most of you remember me. I hope. July marked a year that me and the girls moved out. My divorce was just final in July (he finally signed) My PFA is still in effect until February and it has just been recently that I told my EXAH that he was welcome to come to my daughters soccer games and events and such.

Prior to that the thought of being around him put me in a panic attack. Lucky for me, he said he wouldn't put me through that. Time does heal some but it has been a whirlwind of a year.

I'm doing ok, I did a few things this year that I know for a fact I wouldn't have done when I was with him. I had a girls weekend, I worked out live with my most favorite fitness trainer, Shaun T, I have mom friends now and neighbor friends, I have a sense of peace that I didn't know before. A lot of good.

I'm not dating although I have gone on a few dates. I'm not interested, and I think I am horribly damaged but that's another post.

The reason I am writing today (and I'm so sorry I'm only writing because I'm in trouble and I haven't checked in to say hi)

Ok - so I said that recently I have been able to "deal" with him being at my daughters things so we have been at 3 so far together and for the most part they have been "fine" = we have socialized some, we shared a laugh or two....he did manage to make some comments but then he apologized.

Anyway - this has all been in the last 3 weeks and this weekend I have become completely consumed with thoughts of him. We have even talked on the phone and have aired out some things (we have not spoken for many many months really because he was a monster and I got a PFA and I really stayed No Contact aside from the kids)

So I would suppose that clearing the air could be productive as long as it's used for good.

I was able to see a few tiny things from his perspective more than I could a year ago.

But I find myself obsessed with thoughts of him. what he did, the heartbreak, the how come's and they why nots and the what ifs and how could yous. I was crying a lot yesterday, I guess it's a wave of grief? I'm playing a tape in my head and it is on repeat. I spent much of yesterday staring at my phone hoping and praying he would text and we could engage in conversation and I could cry my heart out to him because I can tell he would console me. That was part of our pattern. Maybe I am trying to find something familiar -

He is texting asking if I am ok, can he do anything for me. He is so sorry for everything, if he could only turn back the clock (he was always a good apologizer)

Does anyone have any insight for me? What is going on with me and how do I make it stop?

Would it be helpful for us to constructively "talk" in an effort to get on friendly terms for the kids - or am I using that as a smokescreen for something else?

Florence

Hold on, partner. The best advice I got for when I was feeling this way, agonizing over whether or not to contact my ex, was to, "Stand there and do nothing."

You don't have to do anything about this. TIME will tell you what you need to know about your ex. Calling him, fretting about him, asking about him, these are bad uses of your time and energy.

He was a monster to you. You still have a PFA in effect. REMEMBER why you got it in the first place, and don't trick yourself into thinking everything has changed just because you have a little distance.

Wait this out. Don't do a thing.

meggem

he was a horrible monster to me.

I'm on a slippery slope of something I just don't know what it is.

Good advice. Just stop and wait it out.

FireSprite

Florence is right, stand there & do nothing. And while you're doing it, talk out those uncomfortable feelings to yourself. I mean talk, out loud, even if it sounds ridiculous. You'll be surprised what you find out about yourself that way!

It sounds like this is about YOU, not him; no way he's going to provide clues to your healing. What's that phrase? The people that hurt you don't heal you? (I know I've heard it said differently/better). (((((hugs)))))

hopeful4

Hey there! I was just thinking about you the other day! It's so good to hear from you.

I would say all of this is being triggered by talking to him again, obviously. Meg...you need to be super strong. Just like you said, he was an absolute monster to you. Just saying sorry does not make the things he did ok, at all.

I would say you need to go back to no contact w/him, or only about the kids. Short, to the point, and then stop.

Many hugs to you. It sounds like you have plenty of other things to focus on, so focus on those things in your life that YOU KNOW are positive, and leave the rest, and him, behind.

FeelingGreat

Hi meg, I remember you and it's great to hear from you again.

Although some time's gone by it seems you're still capable of getting sucked back into his vortex. It's not at all surprising as you don't get over the trauma in a year and a bit.
It reminded me of the way alcoholics can get along fine until they have one more glass of wine, the receptors in their brains light up and off they go.
Knowing this about yourself will allow you to work out ways to keep contact to a strict minimum, and not buy into any personal dialog with him. Are you seeing a counsellor? If not, it would help a lot to have someone to talk to so you're not storing it up inside like a volcano.

meggem

Thank you hopeful, for thinking of me! And thanks Fire, I will do that on the way home from work today.

I don't feel as hateful as I did towards him. And I'm wondering if I just don't know how to do the in between.

We were either making up (or more he was so sorry and I was either bawling or seething with anger) or he was a monster.

Not feeling as hateful is good for me. That load was getting very heavy to carry around.

I still feel shattered though. If I think about it.

Is it natural to go back and think that he can "help me" - I feel like I would love for him to sit for an hour and just listen while I tell him what he's put me through the last year and what I think and have thought about different times over the year.

no?

meggem

yea I guess I am FeelingGreat.

I was in counseling and the lady moved her office across town and I could no longer go.

FireSprite

No. At the very least, not yet. I think it's normal, but I think it's validation that you're after in that scenario - for him to nod & accept & realize your POV through all of this. Buuuuuuuut, you still have physical anxiety about him at this point which tells me YOU aren't even ready to talk about it yet. And he may never want to hear it Meg, or say he does & still not "hear" you. He certainly has no requirement to agree with you......

Play the tape all the way through. What is talking it out with HIM going to give YOU? Why does HE need to accept it on your terms for it to be real for you? YOU are enough Meg, it's enough that you know, think & feel these things.

You use the word Monster to describe this man & sound happy to still have a protection order in place - USE it. Don't you think you owe yourself no less than the amount of time the court system allows you to cut contact with your abuser? (((Hugs)))

hopeful4

I think all of us have been there, that we feel this need for them to understand what they have caused in our lives. It's not really productive as they don't normally react in the way you think they will. Write a letter, and burn it. Get it off your chest and move on productively!

dandylion

meggem.....yes, of course I remember you!

A couple of things come to mind....1) It is an "anniversary " time. That almost always brings a wave of memories, surfacing of feelings, etc. 2) You are still in the grieving process and ruminating and examining the relationship is a big part of that. A sort of reframing of your view of the relationship. This goes on for a while....in spurts.....

I think....I know .....that it is important to have someone as a sounding board for these thoughts and feelings. When a person looses a partner through death...it is well recognized that it is healthy to have a compassionate and understanding person to vent and express thoughts, memories and feelings to.
Same applies here.
Do you have any such people? (you have us, of course).

I think it would be a very good move to get back into counseling to have someone guide you through this phase. There are several ways to get this kind of help.
A abuse/trauma support group is excellent. Many of the domestic abuse centers sponsor such groups. There is also individual counseling.
Now that you are free from the chaos is the time to devote to self examination and self knowledge.
This is probably the most important part of your journey. How did you get to be the person that you are. What baggage do you carry from your past. What were the dynamics in your marriage....what are your patterns.
One need to do this work if one is to avoid repeating the same patterns in future relationships.

I don't remember if he is working on his own recovery or not.
I would suggest that you keep firm boundaries around your relationship with him until you have more recovery, at least.
It is so easy to get sucked back in. It is l ikely that the same needs that you had which allowed you to get entangled in the pathology with him are still there...just under the surface......

dandylion

ShootingStar1

Meggem, so glad to see that it has been a year of recovery and healing for you and your girls. As the tension, stress and damage recede, I think it is a normal phase of loss and recovery to wonder if you and your ex-husband could have made it together.

But, zebras don't lose their stripes and become horses.

For me, now over three years out of an abusive awful and damaging marriage, it took 2 and a half years to sort through my feelings of anger, pain, loss and the desire to have him back. I ricocheted emotionally between feeling free in my new life without him, to feeling the pain of the PTSD and trauma he caused, to wanting him back.

My guess is that you are in the "nostalgia" phase again. From my experience, don't get sucked into believing this is a real change forward toward a renewed and healthy relationship with him. He is still the man who damaged you and required you to take out a PFA.

My ex husband wanted to be my friend, and his behavior was great. I was cordial, but I didn't bite. Then, out of the blue, 3 years after he went to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329, he sent me an email saying that I had hired my lawyer to have someone spike his drink and make him go to the ER. He said that I was the cause of all his problems including the demise of our marriage and he had never been an alcoholic.

I think that part of what you are feeling is the loss of the good parts of your marriage and perhaps the beginnings of readiness to having a new man in your life again. Give it time, and don't look back toward him. Someday you will be healed substantially enough to understand what emotional health is in you and in a future partner.

You don't have to re-tread a tire that had a blow-out.

It took me two and a half years to feel healthy enough to want to date seriously, and I did so only when I knew that I was happy and emotionally healthy being on my own.

Now, I've met someone who was widowed after a 34 year happy marriage, and it is an entirely different kind of relationship to be with someone to whom cherishing and honoring their partner is a lifelong experience. I couldn't have begun to understand what a healthy relationship can be without those solitary years of soul searching and emotional growth. While I'll always need to work on the patterns that let me choose my past partners, I feel like I've turned an emotional corner now.

Your ex husband: he's still a zebra, even though he occasionally whitewashes his stripes.

ShootingStar1

LexieCat

I think you are getting some great feedback, here, meg, and I'd add just this. Please don't permit contact that is prohibited by the protective order. I don't know whether your order permits limited contact concerning the children, but the order should reflect the contact you are comfortable with. Even though you can't be in legal trouble for violating the terms of your own order, he can, and it can create problems in enforcing the order if you allow or encourage him to violate its terms.

My own suggestion would be to talk with a DV advocate about your current safety and your wishes in terms of contact. If you want more contact than is currently permitted by the order, than have the order amended.

"Friendly terms" can be great for co-parenting when one of the parents is not an abuser. When one of them is, though, "friendly terms" can become another way of manipulating or otherwise controlling you and your kids.

atalose

When we begin to toy with the idea of re-building a happy and healthy relationship with an ex, that is like going to a yard sale and buying back your own crap!!

Even monsters have some good days where they can be pleasant. Is your ex still drinking? What major changes has he made this past year that would give you hope that anything would be any different?

You have made some major changes this past year don’t assume he has.

The best advice is to do nothing except explore your feelings and why they are pulling you backwards. What are you not doing for you or your recovery where old things are slipping back?

meggem

wow you guys have really talked me down here, I'm so grateful. You are all spot on. Everything is resonating with me. Ya know, I mentioned that he couldn't resist making a few comments and then apologizing...If I listed them, you would all probably think - and what about these exchanges did you find "friendly?" One comment of disrespect should be enough for me to stand firm, but I'm calling only a few jabs and an apology a successful exchange.

Over the last 12 months the biggest thing that I have really disliked is/was the hate I felt/feel. I felt true contempt for him. I have never "hated" anyone more than him in my life (his mother too) and I knew I had to break through that - somehow, some way. I know that it was only hurting me. And I didn't want me hurt anymore than I was. I also knew underneath all of that anger was hurt.

I also knew that even though he was the biggest monster, I played a part. There is something in my emotional "dna" that brought me there and kept me there for as long as it did.

I'm tired of hating him. Literally, I'm exhausted from it. I don't want to hate him anymore. And I think I started getting confused and tangled up in old patterns. This is also a brand new way of relating to him. It's brand new territory.

And yea, Lexi , I know. You are right about what you are saying. My order says that any communication is via the children only. And that he is allowed at the kids events.

You know my whole shabang was at the beach last year. My mother pushed me to go this year (for the kids sake, whatever - like what would happen if they missed one year) but I went, and it was the best time. I could not believe the egg shells I had to walk on and just what a "cancer" he was to my life. .........

meggem

He claims he has "put the work in" that he has worked very hard in his recovery. He will be "sober" 2 years in October.

I am pretty sure he still sees an addiction therapist weekly but I have no idea if he goes to meetings but when he has the opportunity he will tell me how different he is and how he is not the same person blah blah.

Of course a part of me wonders if that is true...

LexieCat

Well, sobriety alone doesn't address the sense of entitlement that leads him to believe he can be abusive and disrespectful to you.

What are you doing for yourself, these days? It IS possible to let go of your anger while still protecting yourself appropriately. Al-Anon might help with that. You can remain on your toes to protect yourself and your kids, remembering what kind of person he is, and still be civil in your interactions with him. Just don't get sucked into the belief that he has changed enough for you to be safe.

hopeful4

I don't hate my X. I hate his actions and the things he has done, but to hate him is toxic to me.

You don't have to have any sort of relationship with someone to not hate them.

XXX

meggem

How did you get there hopeful? I like how you said I don't have to have any sort of relationship with him to not hate him.

It was DD's first day of first grade yesterday. I sent him a picture of her without him asking for it (I used to make him ask and even when he asked I may or may not draw it out just to be spiteful, or wait a few hours, or make him ask twice). This time I just sent it because he is her father and I'm sure he would like to see.

He textd last night and asked if he could call her but she had already fallen asleep and he was on a service call. I thought to volunteer details of her day, but he didn't ask, so I didn't

This all sucks. It's like it is never going to end! I'm out but I'm not OUT.

For god's sake I don't even know the right way to be civil is.

Now I have myself extremely frustrated.

Hangnbyathread

Yep!

You can keep the exchanges to kid related. You both need to raise kids together to some extent. Anything past that.....................