Feeling Left Out !
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Feeling Left Out !
I have been in a relationship for 4 years , in the beginning we promised to always fight for the in love feeling we were in at that moment , that giving up on pne another wasnt an option cause you know we were that couple that what meant to be together for FOREVER.... . ahh new love isnt it great...llol.... anyways He has reeked havoc in our lives about 7 times a year the last 2 years . The first 2 years he kept his drinking secret , afraid I would leave him. When I figured his secret out , but like i promised in the beginning i loved him unconditionally , and as long as truth and honesty was our foundation , we could talk anything thru.... We had a great relationship , we could tell eachother ANYTHING , well up until he started going to AA , now these people he has known for almost a month get to be involved and somehow ive become the enemy... He says he loves me and doesnt want us to end but he puts no effort into us at all... he can text or call these people all night long but to say one word to me is like a foreign language ... is this normal ? He says i dont understand because im not an alcoholic , that his sobriety comes first , and i agree , but to completley shut me out ? I support him 100% always have , but how did i become the enemy and how do i get him to realize , if he wants this relationship we have to find a balancing act we both can agree to ?
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Hi jwdlanf 
It's not uncommon for people to develop relationships of support with other alcoholics, especially if it's early recovery like a month..
Things will almost certainly get better I think...but if you're feeling shut out (and I can understand why you would be) it's something that needs to be discussed, calmly and clearly.
Have you spoken with him about how you're feeling shut out?
D
It's not uncommon for people to develop relationships of support with other alcoholics, especially if it's early recovery like a month..
Things will almost certainly get better I think...but if you're feeling shut out (and I can understand why you would be) it's something that needs to be discussed, calmly and clearly.
Have you spoken with him about how you're feeling shut out?
D
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I have been in a relationship for 4 years , in the beginning we promised to always fight for the in love feeling we were in at that moment , that giving up on pne another wasnt an option cause you know we were that couple that what meant to be together for FOREVER.... . ahh new love isnt it great...llol.... anyways He has reeked havoc in our lives about 7 times a year the last 2 years . The first 2 years he kept his drinking secret , afraid I would leave him. When I figured his secret out , but like i promised in the beginning i loved him unconditionally , and as long as truth and honesty was our foundation , we could talk anything thru.... We had a great relationship , we could tell eachother ANYTHING , well up until he started going to AA , now these people he has known for almost a month get to be involved and somehow ive become the enemy... He says he loves me and doesnt want us to end but he puts no effort into us at all... he can text or call these people all night long but to say one word to me is like a foreign language ... is this normal ? He says i dont understand because im not an alcoholic , that his sobriety comes first , and i agree , but to completley shut me out ? I support him 100% always have , but how did i become the enemy and how do i get him to realize , if he wants this relationship we have to find a balancing act we both can agree to ?
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi jwdlanf
It's not uncommon for people to develop relationships of support with other alcoholics, especially if it's early recovery like a month..
Things will almost certainly get better I think...but if you're feeling shut out (and I can understand why you would be) it's something that needs to be discussed, calmly and clearly.
Have you spoken with him about how you're feeling shut out?
D
It's not uncommon for people to develop relationships of support with other alcoholics, especially if it's early recovery like a month..
Things will almost certainly get better I think...but if you're feeling shut out (and I can understand why you would be) it's something that needs to be discussed, calmly and clearly.
Have you spoken with him about how you're feeling shut out?
D
I have no clue what happened to my reply , it reposted my first message and i have no clue where the other went , im gonna go drop him off at his AA meeting and get back to you....thank you for responding .... i truly just wanna cry .
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So I asked him if he notices the change , he said yeah , i dont know why , i dont know what to say. I said look Im here like ive always been , you avoid me like the plague , you dont say much anymore , its like im watching a bad low budget movie , i would say cult but lets go with aliens have sucked the life out of you , your happy spirit is gone , you havent smiled or laughed in a month honey , if ya just say , hang in there honey its part of the process, i will wait patiently , if you said shaving my head would help , hand me the buzzers.... he turned to me and said , i dont like how i feel inside , i hate this feeling but i gotta do this .... i asked him if he realized he hasnt shown any affection , no kisses goodnight, morning or honey im home, in a month , from a man that would rush home to me , be all excited and hug n kiss me when he got off work. I feel like he wants me to disappear.
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I'm not sure if that discussion was recent or not - if it wasn't you may have to revisit it again.
I know it's hard but I'd try not to take it too personally, jwdlanf.
It took me 3 months to work out who sober me was, and stop focusing on not drinking - that took all my attention and energy..
For a little while, a lot of us obsess over recovery the same way we obsessed over drinking, but things will settle into a new normal
If you trust your partner, then have a little faith things will work out
If you don't trust him, that's a whole other issue.
I know it's hard but I'd try not to take it too personally, jwdlanf.
It took me 3 months to work out who sober me was, and stop focusing on not drinking - that took all my attention and energy..
For a little while, a lot of us obsess over recovery the same way we obsessed over drinking, but things will settle into a new normal
If you trust your partner, then have a little faith things will work out
If you don't trust him, that's a whole other issue.
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His reply to the affection , was a long sigh , its like hes just exsisting , going through motions , he drank once a month sometimes every 2 , but when he drank he drank til he passed out , first drink he had to leave the house and not return til he was sober, i dont drink and i dont like drunk people around my kids , since our start that was the law...lol.. we live out in the country , so he would go out into the orchards and drink , pass out , and be good for a month or 2.... i just dont get it , its like he forgot us .
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I trust and believe in him completely , i just dont know where to stand during this process , i dont want to be in the way but i dont want to make him feel hes alone . Its the lack of communication that once was one of our strengths ...
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These conversations with him were today , like i said i feel like he wants me to just disappear.... if i need to i will. ... tell me to shut up and sit in the corner , as long as the outcome is him being happy , i love him to death and want him to be happy , with or without me .
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I know it's hard on loved ones because recovery from addiction is something most 'mixed' couples find hard understanding and sharing.
It's scary to feel shut out, and promises that things work out is little comfort from guys like me from the addict side of the fence
Have you thought about something like AlAnon to find other people to talk to who've been through this?
There's also our Family and Friends forums too
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
D
It's scary to feel shut out, and promises that things work out is little comfort from guys like me from the addict side of the fence
Have you thought about something like AlAnon to find other people to talk to who've been through this?
There's also our Family and Friends forums too
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
D
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Honestly i think i just needed someone to say give him time. Ive stayed quiet and supportive for month #1 , i swear im not one of them nagging women..lol... its just lastnight laying next to him i realized he was mentally and emotionally a 1000 miles away , feeling left out i can handle if its what i need to do , not knowing what im suppose to be doing , and how or if i say something , could it set his progress back, normally hes my go to guy , and talking to a friend would put his personal stuff out there for gossip and i dont do gossip or drama. You happen to have helped tremendously , I thank you with all my heart . 
scorebad
scorebad
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Originally Posted by jwdlanf
its just lastnight laying next to him i realized he was mentally and emotionally a 1000 miles away
I had soo many emotions and feelings that it was very overwhelming at times, and pretty selfishly, concentrated on myself and myself alone because my body hadn't the energy to do much other than go to work, come home, and go to sleep.
Give it time, Sobriety is not all rainbows in the beginning but it gets a whole lot better as emotions/feelings adjust, physically we begin to feel better, and we learn who we are again and want to fight to regain our lives!!
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First, really sorry to hear what you're going through jwdlanf, it must be quite difficult.
If you don't mind, may I ask, are you sure it was only once every month or two he drank? Was it maybe more that either, you're not telling us, or don't know about yourself?
I just find it a little odd someone would put themselves through all AA entails because they got drunk once every 30 - 60 days. Or are you maybe a fairly religious household, and that's why?
If you don't mind, may I ask, are you sure it was only once every month or two he drank? Was it maybe more that either, you're not telling us, or don't know about yourself?
I just find it a little odd someone would put themselves through all AA entails because they got drunk once every 30 - 60 days. Or are you maybe a fairly religious household, and that's why?
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Originally Posted by TroyW
First, really sorry to hear what you're going through jwdlanf, it must be quite difficult.
If you don't mind, may I ask, are you sure it was only once every month or two he drank? Was it maybe more that either, you're not telling us, or don't know about yourself?
I just find it a little odd someone would put themselves through all AA entails because they got drunk once every 30 - 60 days. Or are you maybe a fairly religious household, and that's why?
If you don't mind, may I ask, are you sure it was only once every month or two he drank? Was it maybe more that either, you're not telling us, or don't know about yourself?
I just find it a little odd someone would put themselves through all AA entails because they got drunk once every 30 - 60 days. Or are you maybe a fairly religious household, and that's why?
Hi Troy , honestly it was once a month if not every other month , the past 2 years , the first 2 years he drank daily but hid it. Not a religious household , im more of a spiritual kinda person . My reasons for the no alcohol is because i have 3 kids that were exposed to their fathers face ending up in his dinner plate and verbal abuse because he chose pills and who knows what else . Just a promise i made to myself to be honest .
As for This relationship , i know it seems unreal to drink only 1 time a month , but its the truth. He had a really horrible childhood , from age 8 to 12 he was molested , keeping this secret to himself for years , he in a sense taught himself to keep the memories at bay by daily shoving his thoughts down deep until he couldnt any longer , which he would then do a 24 binge , he says it was kinda as if he was erasing or shoving those bad memories out of his head so the next 30+ days he could function. I believe he got to this self medicating stage because he needed a sense of control , when i learned about the daily drinking ,thats when he told me about his childhood , i told him that we had to find a way to release the control the abuser still had on him , i told him that no matter what i would support him , he agreed to talk to a counselor , was going great , then the binge drinking started and last month he tried getting into the house around 1am , my kids were all at their aunts house thank god , he had this look in his eyes i had never seen , for like 20 minutes he was literally a lunatic , hes never hurt me or disrespected me , but this morning he truly hated me , i think he would of physically hurt me had he got in . All of a sudden he snapped out of it and said what the h*ll is wrong with me , started bawling , asking if he had hurt me.... he next day he went to an AA meeting and now we are at 30+ days and hes totally disconnected from me.
The man i see looks sad , drained , tired . He works 5am to 1pm , comes home and takes a nap til 6 , showers , leaves tp go to AA by 6:45 gets home 8:30 and is asleep by 9:45.... if hes not reading his AA BOOK. Is the disconnection normal?
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I'm extremely tired, so my apologies in advance if this comes off wrong. However, from what you've posted in this thread, he doesn't need AA at all. Please know, AA is a pretty intensive rehabilitation program, and if someone strictly follows the 12 steps, they'll most likely come out the other side a different person than when they went in.
However, if he's only drinking once every 30 - 60 days, and doing so to repress the fact he was molested as a child, then that's a totally different ball game. He needs a qualified psychiatrist who deals with child sexual abuse, not AA. All AA is going to do is lead him onto a path of sobriety, and at ALL costs, which you're now experiencing yourself.
He needs a psychiatrist, not AA. Just my humble opinion. Getting drunk once every 30 - 60 days doesn't qualify you as an alcoholic, but he obviously has severe issues that need to be dealt with. AA can't help with those, even if he believes that's the way to salvation.
From what you posted, he's most likely searching for a way to make things "good", but doesn't know where to turn, so turned to AA.
However, if he's only drinking once every 30 - 60 days, and doing so to repress the fact he was molested as a child, then that's a totally different ball game. He needs a qualified psychiatrist who deals with child sexual abuse, not AA. All AA is going to do is lead him onto a path of sobriety, and at ALL costs, which you're now experiencing yourself.
He needs a psychiatrist, not AA. Just my humble opinion. Getting drunk once every 30 - 60 days doesn't qualify you as an alcoholic, but he obviously has severe issues that need to be dealt with. AA can't help with those, even if he believes that's the way to salvation.
From what you posted, he's most likely searching for a way to make things "good", but doesn't know where to turn, so turned to AA.
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight
That's probably not that far away from the reality of things, for the first few months when I quit drinking, I didn't know who I was, or where I was in life
I had soo many emotions and feelings that it was very overwhelming at times, and pretty selfishly, concentrated on myself and myself alone because my body hadn't the energy to do much other than go to work, come home, and go to sleep.
Give it time, Sobriety is not all rainbows in the beginning but it gets a whole lot better as emotions/feelings adjust, physically we begin to feel better, and we learn who we are again and want to fight to regain our lives!!
I had soo many emotions and feelings that it was very overwhelming at times, and pretty selfishly, concentrated on myself and myself alone because my body hadn't the energy to do much other than go to work, come home, and go to sleep.
Give it time, Sobriety is not all rainbows in the beginning but it gets a whole lot better as emotions/feelings adjust, physically we begin to feel better, and we learn who we are again and want to fight to regain our lives!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by TroyW
I'm extremely tired, so my apologies in advance if this comes off wrong. However, from what you've posted in this thread, he doesn't need AA at all. Please know, AA is a pretty intensive rehabilitation program, and if someone strictly follows the 12 steps, they'll most likely come out the other side a different person than when they went in.
However, if he's only drinking once every 30 - 60 days, and doing so to repress the fact he was molested as a child, then that's a totally different ball game. He needs a qualified psychiatrist who deals with child sexual abuse, not AA. All AA is going to do is lead him onto a path of sobriety, and at ALL costs, which you're now experiencing yourself.
He needs a psychiatrist, not AA. Just my humble opinion. Getting drunk once every 30 - 60 days doesn't qualify you as an alcoholic, but he obviously has severe issues that need to be dealt with. AA can't help with those, even if he believes that's the way to salvation.
From what you posted, he's most likely searching for a way to make things "good", but doesn't know where to turn, so turned to AA.
However, if he's only drinking once every 30 - 60 days, and doing so to repress the fact he was molested as a child, then that's a totally different ball game. He needs a qualified psychiatrist who deals with child sexual abuse, not AA. All AA is going to do is lead him onto a path of sobriety, and at ALL costs, which you're now experiencing yourself.
He needs a psychiatrist, not AA. Just my humble opinion. Getting drunk once every 30 - 60 days doesn't qualify you as an alcoholic, but he obviously has severe issues that need to be dealt with. AA can't help with those, even if he believes that's the way to salvation.
From what you posted, he's most likely searching for a way to make things "good", but doesn't know where to turn, so turned to AA.
His family all drink heavily, his brother drinks 2 liters of vodka a day like its koolaid ,their mother drank herself to death as did his grand parents .... his adoptive mom is no better . The therapist he was seeing told him there was a huge chance he was born with alcohol in his blood ....
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