rachelle77

Anyone have any experience with being told in an argument with partner "I don't have faith in your staying sober?"

I was told this last night and I can't seem to stop having a counter-argument in my head. It feels like it's building up into a deep resentment against this person.

I didn't react verbally, rather, I stopped and thought about what that person said to me. Immediately, I felt a deep hurt. Then I felt that this was not a true thought for me; that I don't believe this about myself. Do I have anxiety about wether or not I can stay sober? Yes. I'm at 4 months and 11 days, my longest stretch ever. And I have been venting this anxiety to my partner.

I know my recovery is only for me and that what I believe to be true is all that matters, but this is still causing me anger and frustration. And it's causing me to doubt if having a relationship with this person right now is good for my recovery. I feel like he said that to me because he felt hurt and backed into a corner by my expressing my insecurities about his desire/ability to be in a committed monogamous relationship. Those insecurities are clearly something I need to work on, and I have been trying.

Thanks for reading and have a lovely sober day.

LexieCat

If I were you, I'd take it at face value. How many times have you "tried" to get sober? How many promises have you made? Does this person have a real BASIS for having faith that this time it will last?

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I'm also almost seven years sober, myself. I've made, and heard, a lot of promises that didn't pan out--at least not for a long time.

So my best suggestion to YOU is to accept the fact that this person is feeling insecure about your continued sobriety. His belief has ZERO to do with your ability to stay sober. Stay sober long enough, he'll be a believer. Frankly, until you are on really solid ground with your sobriety (say a year--with no slips, no "oopses," no "blips" or any of the other nice terms we use), he's smart to move cautiously and avoid making long-term commitments.

Show, don't tell. And when you've been sober a good, long time and no longer having anxiety about your own ability to stay sober (the truly recovered don't worry about it), THEN maybe you can have conversations about commitments.

Congrats on your sober time--keep it up!

MIRecovery

I am 6 years sober and I still get, "Your eyes look funny "

We have trained the people that love us only to well not to trust us. For me it is just something I accept. All I can do is stay sober.

rachelle77

Thanks, lexiecat and MIRecovery for your replies.

This isn't my first attempt at staying sober, so yeah, he has reason to doubt and be suspect. And again, I was focusing on what a jerk I thought he was, and not the reality of today.

Thanks again you two. Wise words.

Dee74

It took me a while to earn back the trust, but I did. I'm sure you can too Rachelle

D

rachelle77

Thanks, Dee.

I'm so thankful for this site. I am realizing more and more that it is an invaluable tool for me in working on my recovery. It helps to know that others have gone through what I'm experiencing, and the feeling of not being alone is quite invaluable.

MIRecovery

I have found there are very few new struggles and we are far more alike than different. It is so reassuring told know that there are so many just like me

Ileana

Rachelle
If I am completely honest, I have no faith in my daughter staying sober. From this side of the fence, I have to admit that during her first rehab I was hopeful and proud and 100% supportive. The next time, I probably was 75% hopeful but still 100% supportive. With each relapse, my hope decreases to where I am now, which is that I have little to no faith that it will last. That doesn't mean I am not 100% supportive, I'm just not hopeful. But its not my recovery. It's hers. I would also never tell her that. Its just how I feel.

totfit

Wow, I have faith in your ability to stay sober. You are amazingly in tune with yourself and expressing your feelings. I think awareness is one of the biggest keys.. that and honesty. I don't think though that you can have one without the other.

That being said, I think we are done when we are done. You seem to be there. Why anyone would want to tell you that they had little faith is beyond me, but it sounds like a sabotage attempt to me. It may not even be a conscious attempt at sabotage. In any event, I think you seem to be in a very honest place. That is a good thing.

rachelle77

Thank you for your reply, Ileana. I too have been on the other side of this with both my brother and several close friends. As someone who is working on my sobriety, I forget what it's like to be on the other side. I fall into the trap of self-centered thinking and forget the other person's perspective, or even their right to have their own perspective.

I am sorry that you have been experiencing this with your daughter. I can only imagine what my own dad is going through. Thank you for helping me to stop and consider his perspective.

I think you are a kind and loving person to still be supportive given the situation. It sounds like you have some insight as to what your daughter is struggling with to allow yourself to have your own feelings about it and still be supportive. And I think it's marvelous that you don't TELL her how you feel. Although, us alcoholics do need to both hear and accept the truth of a situation. Our actions do impact what others think/expect of us...

Thank you so much for sharing, Ileana.

growpath

I have faith in you staying sober! And so does everyone here at SR

Venecia

Hang in there, Rachelle.

Your SR family stands shoulder-to-shoulder with you. Have faith.

rachelle77

Totfit, thank for your reply. With a day by day approach, I think I can do this too. At least I pray and hope I can!!!

It was a humbling experience to find out this person felt this way. He is definitely entitled to his opinions and feelings, but I think I was floored by the timing he picked to express them. I felt like he was saying that to me because he was hurt about by something I said. Then again, there's probably never a good time to express those thoughts.

Relationships are hard work. And I'm finding that out, it would seem every hour, as I try to have a healthy and sober one. That being said, I do have to find the grace to allow him to be himself and have his own thoughts and emotions. Since this isn't my first attempt at sobriety, I can now certainly see why he would have his doubts.

And, thank you for saying that I seem to be in an honest place! I have worked my spiritual and psychological a** off to move forward in that area even the slightest.

rachelle77

A big thanks, SR family!

Working on staying sober is a difficult journey. BUT, I'm finding that it is SO worth it!

Thank you all for sharing your experience and your support.

PixieD

Yes Rachelle i know the feeling. i had a close friend say it to me after my 1st week. He had said , yeah lets see if you could make it 30 days. It really hurt me. This is my 1st attempt & i'm at 88 days. I've let that comment go now that i see i can do it. At the beginning i was trying to prove everyone wrong..now i realize i'm doing it for myself & couldnt care a less for the people who have little faith in me or are not supportive. Congrats on 4 months.

Zebra1275

There was a time where I struggled to get sober, over and over again.

Then when I finally managed to string some (what I thought was significant) time together I think I expected a marching band to play on my front lawn while I accepted my academy award.

My wife didn't quite see it that way, her attitude was more like "it's about time you re-entered the human race."

And damned if I didn't eventually get drunk again.

So I changed up my plan and started going to AA. And I learned some things.

Now I've got over 5 years sober, and I don't need any rewards or recognition from others. I'm doing this for me, and I'm happy with me. And the by product of this, is that somewhere along the way, I regained my wife's trust.

bexxed

It sounds like it's a new relationship. If it's a new relationship I'm not sure why this person would have no trust. It sounds codependent to me, and like a jab to be dismissive of whatever it was that you said that was hard to hear.

If this was someone who had reason not to trust then I would be with most of the other people here. If this person has only known you sober and you have not given reason to distrust I would be careful in this relationship.

CAPTAINZING2000

Does take a while to build back trust.
I'm sure my haters were always waiting for me to relapse.
Believe in yourself and keep doing what you're doing and your slowly regain trust and respect back.

stephendu

Keep on going. You're doing great. I know how you feel. You can just say "you're not helping".

My wife did have an outburst towards me once I was out of rehab for about two months. I understand she was mad because she was attending alanon and I refused to continue with AA because it wasn't helping. All I had to tell her was: "You're not helping".

I know it's a quick, neutral one-liner, but it is helpful.

rachelle77

Congratulations on 88 days, PixieD! We can do this!