ckoures

So, it's Friday. I really don't want to drink. In fact, I have no intention of wrecking my soon-to-be-three weeks. But I am mad, mad, mad...

As you might know, I'm divorcing my spouse. And I got to read his counter-suit where you would think I was Satan. Unbelievable that all of it was fine, he'd forgiven me for financial issues with a business, until I decided I couldn't take his constant criticism and emotional and verbal abuse. I leave. He hauls out the big guns.

The house I busted my ass for to turn into a home is a disaster. He hasn't mowed or watered, everything I worked another four to five hours over when I got off my full time plus job is now an absolute mess.

I'm not sad about leaving, although sometimes I have dreams where I am with him and he's the nice version of himself. Then I start to miss what I left. I miss the idea of a family. I miss the house. And I sometimes miss him.

But then something like this happens and it hits me like a ton of bricks... his hate is overwhelming. And then I realize that's one of the reasons I started drinking. Not an excuse. But I simply couldn't take the constant dislike, the feeling I was nothing. I used to consider every week whether I should die. I left over two months ago and haven't given that one thought.

I guess my little rant is silly in the scheme of things. I start to feel this and I want to make that feeling go away. But I can deal with it on my own. I'm so disappointed at all the dumb damn things I did while drunk, the time, money and minutes wasted drinking. Makes me sick.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and on. What I endured because I didn't want a divorce - as if that meant I would die from leprosy. How lame. I wonder if people with drinking problems have a common thread of low self esteem. Just an idea.

Thanks again. Have a great sober weekend. I will, too, but I might buy a ****** doll. Kidding.

Dee74

I think a lot of us have self esteem issues. You seem to know where to direct your anger tho

I think this, rather than an ending, will be a great beginning for you ckoures

D

Anna

I think that accepting that we threw away time and money during drinking times is hard, but of course, necessary in order to move on. I try to look at it as I learned what I needed to learn. And, I know that I had dismal self-esteem which played a role in my drinking. It's ironic because the little self-esteem I had disappeared completely during my drinking years. It's the insanity of alcoholism.

ckoures

So true. My self esteem has always been fragile. But when I was drinking? The thing I thought was making it better? It made everything worse. These days I feel a lot better.

wehav2day

You call that a rant?!?

No worries, better to vent here than to poor meeeeee... Pour me a drink.

Anger is understandable. It's hard to leave a partnership, even a bad one.

Good in you for staying sober! Goodness knows drinking won't help!

Soberwolf

Good to hear you feel better Ckours