what should I do about my brother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 7
what should I do about my brother
- I want to tell my brother that I know he has a drinking problem but I want to go about it in the most productive way possible.
- We recently went on vacation with our families and the 3 days he was there he spent pretty much drunk or on his way to being drunk - I got so mad because although I'd seen him drink many times before this was the first time I'd seen him drinking in the middle of the day - sneaking beers in the bathroom and pretty much becoming a zombie in front of his kids (before it seemed like the drinking won't start until after the kids were in bed)
- looking at his kids dealing with it and the ensuing fights between he and his wife I starting flashing back to our childhood - I felt so stupid because although I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that both he and my dad had a drinking problem it didn't really sink in to me how harmful it was and continues to be.
- I pretty much answered yes to all the "adult children of alcoholics" questions and probably suffer from some type of anxiety disorder myself - however just knowing part of the reason I'm so messed up has been a new revalation for me - I just never put the two things together - I always blamed my problems on my parents divorce, etc.
- my brother is a great guy who loves his kids very much - he's helped me out of jams and stuck by me when nobody else would and I'd do the same for him - but seeing what his kids are now going thru is making me sick.
- any advice on what I can say to him - I'm scared that I might alienate him more if I confront him - but I was his best man when he got married and I'm the godfather to his son I feel I need to say something.
- We recently went on vacation with our families and the 3 days he was there he spent pretty much drunk or on his way to being drunk - I got so mad because although I'd seen him drink many times before this was the first time I'd seen him drinking in the middle of the day - sneaking beers in the bathroom and pretty much becoming a zombie in front of his kids (before it seemed like the drinking won't start until after the kids were in bed)
- looking at his kids dealing with it and the ensuing fights between he and his wife I starting flashing back to our childhood - I felt so stupid because although I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that both he and my dad had a drinking problem it didn't really sink in to me how harmful it was and continues to be.
- I pretty much answered yes to all the "adult children of alcoholics" questions and probably suffer from some type of anxiety disorder myself - however just knowing part of the reason I'm so messed up has been a new revalation for me - I just never put the two things together - I always blamed my problems on my parents divorce, etc.
- my brother is a great guy who loves his kids very much - he's helped me out of jams and stuck by me when nobody else would and I'd do the same for him - but seeing what his kids are now going thru is making me sick.
- any advice on what I can say to him - I'm scared that I might alienate him more if I confront him - but I was his best man when he got married and I'm the godfather to his son I feel I need to say something.
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: COTTONWOOD, AZ
Posts: 30
hey.
when it came time to confront my parents, family, and friends about their drinking problems-it was never easy. the hardest part was catching them when they weren't already intoxicated and alone enough to present them with the issue without embarrasing them. if you have ever had personal problems with addiction, you could use that as something to fall back on. you have been there, know what it's like, etc. make sure your brother knows that you love him dearly and are here for him should he choose to make changes. in my experience, don't say you, you, you because than it sounds like you're throwing accusations. i feel is a better word when approaching something like that. i wouldn't say stuff like i think you should quit or look at your kids. i would say stuff like if you need me, i'm here. you have my support if you were ever to need it. that might make him think a little. if you are showing concern like that, maybe he'll wonder if he's getting bad enough for his brother to be concerned. making addicts think about that is my first step in helping them, because then they come to me when they are ready. i don't know if my advice will help, but i send best wishes and hope everything goes okay.
when it came time to confront my parents, family, and friends about their drinking problems-it was never easy. the hardest part was catching them when they weren't already intoxicated and alone enough to present them with the issue without embarrasing them. if you have ever had personal problems with addiction, you could use that as something to fall back on. you have been there, know what it's like, etc. make sure your brother knows that you love him dearly and are here for him should he choose to make changes. in my experience, don't say you, you, you because than it sounds like you're throwing accusations. i feel is a better word when approaching something like that. i wouldn't say stuff like i think you should quit or look at your kids. i would say stuff like if you need me, i'm here. you have my support if you were ever to need it. that might make him think a little. if you are showing concern like that, maybe he'll wonder if he's getting bad enough for his brother to be concerned. making addicts think about that is my first step in helping them, because then they come to me when they are ready. i don't know if my advice will help, but i send best wishes and hope everything goes okay.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi brothert,
Starting your own recovery can be an example to others. You are probably right about alienating yourself. If and when your brother feels he needs help, he will seek it. Until then, there is little chance that you can stop the progression.
Alcoholism affects so many friends and family members. We think that we must intervene, but the truth is that only the desire of the alcoholic for help will result in them getting sober. Being available for him when he is ready, and giving love and caring to his family is the best thing to do. He may have to go down a lot before he is ready. It is hard to sit by while alcoholism runs it's course. Al-Anon can help families cope and not get dragged down by the consequences of the alcoholic.
I am glad that you joined us. I hope that you can find something here that helps. Hugs, Magic
Starting your own recovery can be an example to others. You are probably right about alienating yourself. If and when your brother feels he needs help, he will seek it. Until then, there is little chance that you can stop the progression.
Alcoholism affects so many friends and family members. We think that we must intervene, but the truth is that only the desire of the alcoholic for help will result in them getting sober. Being available for him when he is ready, and giving love and caring to his family is the best thing to do. He may have to go down a lot before he is ready. It is hard to sit by while alcoholism runs it's course. Al-Anon can help families cope and not get dragged down by the consequences of the alcoholic.
I am glad that you joined us. I hope that you can find something here that helps. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome brothert -
If you tell your brother that you think he's an alcoholic, what do you hope to accomplish? I ask this because you said that you wanted to tell him in the "most productive way possible".
In my experience, telling my husband that he is an alcoholic didn't change anything he was doing. He just denied it and got mad. Even faced with evidence of the fact, he didn't want to face the facts so, he didn't.
The best thing I ever did was to take my concentration off of him and his issues and put the concentration on myself and my issues. This is a great place to start learning how to do that and I'm glad you're here.
L
If you tell your brother that you think he's an alcoholic, what do you hope to accomplish? I ask this because you said that you wanted to tell him in the "most productive way possible".
In my experience, telling my husband that he is an alcoholic didn't change anything he was doing. He just denied it and got mad. Even faced with evidence of the fact, he didn't want to face the facts so, he didn't.
The best thing I ever did was to take my concentration off of him and his issues and put the concentration on myself and my issues. This is a great place to start learning how to do that and I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 7
Thanks guys for all the good advice - if and when I talk to him I will definately not say things like "look what you're doing to your kids" - I'll try to use more I's than You's (as Rock Bottom suggested).
What I'm hoping to accomplish is to at least get him thinking about it (of course I know he probably already is) - he's been to a few AA meetings before - about a year ago at one of his kids birthday parties he was talking to me after everyone had left and was really upset because he'd gotten drunk and had not participated in the party really (opening presents, singing happy birthday, etc.) - that's when he told me about the AA meetings and that he'd slipped for the first time in a few months - I was kind of taken by suprise because I don't see the struggle everyday (and probably because I was in denial too) - I guess what I'm saying is thinking back on it now that was probably the first time I'd seen this new progression where he just "isn't there" - I hadn't thought about A's as not being there - I'd thought of them as out of control sometimes, mad, unreasonable, etc. but not a shadow of a person.
What I'm hoping to accomplish is to at least get him thinking about it (of course I know he probably already is) - he's been to a few AA meetings before - about a year ago at one of his kids birthday parties he was talking to me after everyone had left and was really upset because he'd gotten drunk and had not participated in the party really (opening presents, singing happy birthday, etc.) - that's when he told me about the AA meetings and that he'd slipped for the first time in a few months - I was kind of taken by suprise because I don't see the struggle everyday (and probably because I was in denial too) - I guess what I'm saying is thinking back on it now that was probably the first time I'd seen this new progression where he just "isn't there" - I hadn't thought about A's as not being there - I'd thought of them as out of control sometimes, mad, unreasonable, etc. but not a shadow of a person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
...a shadow of a person.
Yes, exactly.
I hope that your talk with your brother goes well. Let us know.
Please look into getting help for yourself also. Alcoholism affects everyone around the alcoholic and the help I have found has been a lifesaver for me.
L
Yes, exactly.
I hope that your talk with your brother goes well. Let us know.
Please look into getting help for yourself also. Alcoholism affects everyone around the alcoholic and the help I have found has been a lifesaver for me.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 7
When we talked about him having a problem that day after the birthday party - he seemed to think that the other people at AA were more messed up than he was and that everybody was a little overzealous with the whole religious undertone thing - I told him that I'd support him no matter what he decided to do - that I was there for him - now I wish I'd said something else (I'm not exactly sure what).
I've been also thinking I might should write him a letter so I can word it just right (or is this the chicken s#$! way out?
I've been also thinking I might should write him a letter so I can word it just right (or is this the chicken s#$! way out?
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey brothert,
I am glad you are learning. It will help. Saying what you need to say to him certainly won't hurt. Alcoholics need to know what other people are seeing. They don't know what happens to them from the outside. Al-Anon has taught me to say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean. It has also taught me that if I have to say it twice, it's nagging.
Stick around. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here, and we all support each other in dealing with alcoholism. The more involved in my own recovery I am, the more I have to share with others when they are seeking solutions.
Browse the forums. Read, share, or vent. I am glad that you have joined us. Hugs, Magic
I am glad you are learning. It will help. Saying what you need to say to him certainly won't hurt. Alcoholics need to know what other people are seeing. They don't know what happens to them from the outside. Al-Anon has taught me to say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean. It has also taught me that if I have to say it twice, it's nagging.
Stick around. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here, and we all support each other in dealing with alcoholism. The more involved in my own recovery I am, the more I have to share with others when they are seeking solutions.
Browse the forums. Read, share, or vent. I am glad that you have joined us. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I can identify because I have a sister who is an alcoholic. It is sad and frustrating watching her distroy her life (it's a repeat of my mother's life), but whenever I talk about my husband attending AA and my attending al-anon she say's that that stuff is all boloney and most people (her included) only drink to let go of stress and to have fun.
The point is, that no matter what I say to her, she has already heard it from others (husband, friends, cousins, etc) and brushed it off with them too. But I did feel better speaking my mind and being frank with her that one time I did mention it. I was hoping to jog her memory about our own upbringing and thought that she would listen to me, but she decided to deny the problem anyway.
The point is, that no matter what I say to her, she has already heard it from others (husband, friends, cousins, etc) and brushed it off with them too. But I did feel better speaking my mind and being frank with her that one time I did mention it. I was hoping to jog her memory about our own upbringing and thought that she would listen to me, but she decided to deny the problem anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 7
Here's the first draft of a letter I'm thinking of giving to my brother this weekend. Any comments on what I can add?
Eric,
You are my brother and I love you.
You were the best man at my wedding.
I was the best man at your wedding.
I’m the godfather of your son.
It seems today that these things are more symbolic than anything else - but I think they come with certain responsibilities. That is why I am writing this letter to you. That and because I know you would do the same for me.
I’ve always felt like I was kind of a “****-up” person
- emotionally detached
- extremely introverted
- low self-esteem, etc.
I blamed it either just on myself
- or mom and dad’s divorce
- having both of them remarry pretty quickly after the divorce and dealing with step parents, etc.
- moving away from all my childhood friends
- but I think I mainly blamed it on myself (subconsciously)
I have pretty sporadic memories of my childhood and I imagine I suffer from some type of personality disorder - I’ve had what I’m sure would be called “panic attacks” in the past - I’ve never told anyone about them (except for Andi, just recently).
The reason I’m telling you all this is because after doing some reading I’ve realized that many of my problems are textbook symptoms of an adult who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
My way of coping was to try and wish myself invisible to escape the uncertainty of my life as a child, to become withdrawn, to trust no one, etc.
The thing is we all dealt with it. You, me, Jeff, Rick, Karen. And I guess we all dealt with (and are still dealing with it) differently.
Your way of dealing with it, I’ve read, is the most honest, reflecting back the instability that always surrounded us.
When I was a kid I found the strength to deal with it by relying on you (Rick, and even Jeff) to help point out the absurdities of day to day life.
I wanted to tell you all this so you realize that when I tell you that you have a serious drinking problem you will hopefully realize I am not trying to single you out - Our whole family is ****** up and I think a major reason is because of alcoholism - it just keeps perpetuating itself.
It is ultimately your choice to quit and I’m not going to say anything about it again.
If you want to go to AA meetings again I will go with you, or if you just want to talk.
Eric,
You are my brother and I love you.
You were the best man at my wedding.
I was the best man at your wedding.
I’m the godfather of your son.
It seems today that these things are more symbolic than anything else - but I think they come with certain responsibilities. That is why I am writing this letter to you. That and because I know you would do the same for me.
I’ve always felt like I was kind of a “****-up” person
- emotionally detached
- extremely introverted
- low self-esteem, etc.
I blamed it either just on myself
- or mom and dad’s divorce
- having both of them remarry pretty quickly after the divorce and dealing with step parents, etc.
- moving away from all my childhood friends
- but I think I mainly blamed it on myself (subconsciously)
I have pretty sporadic memories of my childhood and I imagine I suffer from some type of personality disorder - I’ve had what I’m sure would be called “panic attacks” in the past - I’ve never told anyone about them (except for Andi, just recently).
The reason I’m telling you all this is because after doing some reading I’ve realized that many of my problems are textbook symptoms of an adult who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
My way of coping was to try and wish myself invisible to escape the uncertainty of my life as a child, to become withdrawn, to trust no one, etc.
The thing is we all dealt with it. You, me, Jeff, Rick, Karen. And I guess we all dealt with (and are still dealing with it) differently.
Your way of dealing with it, I’ve read, is the most honest, reflecting back the instability that always surrounded us.
When I was a kid I found the strength to deal with it by relying on you (Rick, and even Jeff) to help point out the absurdities of day to day life.
I wanted to tell you all this so you realize that when I tell you that you have a serious drinking problem you will hopefully realize I am not trying to single you out - Our whole family is ****** up and I think a major reason is because of alcoholism - it just keeps perpetuating itself.
It is ultimately your choice to quit and I’m not going to say anything about it again.
If you want to go to AA meetings again I will go with you, or if you just want to talk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Brothert.
Your post really moved me. My SO is a recovering crack user. When he was active in his addiction, my heart leapt whenever I read a username like "sis" or "hisbrother". I was always looking for somebody in Dino's family to show up. To show concern instead of contempt. To display that it pained them, not inconvenienced them, that their brother had this terrible problem. But they didn't. I knew it was silly to think I'd ever see them on here, but I really hoped I'd see the attitude in them. Or that they were somewhere trying to get information or solace instead of being the (expletive deleted)s they were. Your letter may not move your brother to get help. When you send it, please know that it will never be your fault if he doesn't. It wasn't because you didn't choose the right words, or the right day. But whether it's in conversation or in a letter, the message of love and concern is the most and best thing you can do for him. That you are there if he chooses. That you love him no matter what. Even a substance abuser who cannot seem to straighten up has humanity, and feels your love. Dino's siblings were too busy being affronted to do what you are doing. While I would urge you to guard your heart, I think it is beautiful for you to extend your hand. Welcome.
Hugs,
Smoke
Your post really moved me. My SO is a recovering crack user. When he was active in his addiction, my heart leapt whenever I read a username like "sis" or "hisbrother". I was always looking for somebody in Dino's family to show up. To show concern instead of contempt. To display that it pained them, not inconvenienced them, that their brother had this terrible problem. But they didn't. I knew it was silly to think I'd ever see them on here, but I really hoped I'd see the attitude in them. Or that they were somewhere trying to get information or solace instead of being the (expletive deleted)s they were. Your letter may not move your brother to get help. When you send it, please know that it will never be your fault if he doesn't. It wasn't because you didn't choose the right words, or the right day. But whether it's in conversation or in a letter, the message of love and concern is the most and best thing you can do for him. That you are there if he chooses. That you love him no matter what. Even a substance abuser who cannot seem to straighten up has humanity, and feels your love. Dino's siblings were too busy being affronted to do what you are doing. While I would urge you to guard your heart, I think it is beautiful for you to extend your hand. Welcome.
Hugs,
Smoke
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