Gwenyth

So, for the first time I have made a conscious decision to let go and let God. My AH has been sober for 3 days. We've been on the sober-binge roller coaster for a few years. I made him move out, he hit rock bottom and I am giving him one more chance (a last chance, as it were).

This time, I am doing things differently. This time, my AH is in control of his recovery. I am not going to beg, plead, demand or manipulate my AH into going to a meeting. I am not going to make contracts with him or try any of the hundreds of other things I have done in the past to "make" my AH recover. This is his recovery and he is solely in charge of it - if he goes to meetings, great; if not, his loss. If he relapses and blows his last chance, then he has to deal with the consequences (I wrote out my boundaries - re only what I can control - and gave a copy to my AH so there is no confusion about what I am willing to tolerate).

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend - something I haven't done in AGES. All night I was worried about coming home to a drunk and my thoughts were consumed with him. But, I realized whether he is drunk or sober, I have to do things for myself. I've always thought I was "fine" - that my AH needed me to take care of him. Backing off of his recovery, I realized I don't have to care of my AH. I have to take care of myself - though I've heard this a million times, I finally get it! I never realized I had become a co-dependent. I thought that because I was rationale, didn't cover my AH's consequences and followed through with my ultimatums, that I didn't have a problem. Last night at dinner, I realized I did - I've stopped spending time without my AH because I was so afraid that I would come home to a drunk.

I'm excited about my AH's new sobriety and truly terrified that he will blow the last chance that I have given him. BUT, I am going to stick to my boundaries and let God be in control for once! Thanks for letting me share.

skyleh

Good for you....Good luck....Keep taking care of you!!!

cwohio

good deal gwenyth - keep up the good work!

givingup

Good work Gweynth. The other night I went out with a friend and had a relaxing fun evening. As I was driving home, I realized that I hadn't thought at all about my AH during the time I was away. It was a huge liberating victory for me. My AH was on his 4th day of sobriety but I could smell the booze when I walked into the room. In the past I would have been devestated but I realized at that moment, that I had let it go finally. Got changed, slept in another room, thought about the wonderful friends and fellowship I had in my life. The next day my AH started working his program again. I think he gets it that I am not going to get involved in his drinking or his recovery. I think he also gets it that if he doesn't get sober, I won't be involved in his life either.

Doesn't it feel so good to make progress?

Patsyd1

Its powerful when we finally GET IT

Congrats, and keep doing the inside work, thats wonderful

Patsy

Petunia

Gwenyth,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful news. I always feel a surge of energy when I read a post where you can actually hear the person's voice b/c there is so much strenght in what they have written. I heard you voice today while I was reading this and it was beautiful. You were almost singing. Just wanted you to know.

Peace and wishes for continued success,
Petunia

Gwenyth

Thank you all for your support. I only discovered this website last week and already I have noticed a difference in how I relate to my AH and how I see myself. This site is truly a saving grace!

BrownEyes

You are right on track dealing with us "self destructing addicts". I think you are doing great. If your AH hasn't said it yet, I will "thankyou". That is right you have to take care of yourself cause no one else can. I honor your courage sticking this out with him. God bless you and don't give up on yourself. It makes me think about my Mom who I forced her to learn "tough love". If it wasn't tough it would have been one way and that would have been my way.

Gwenyth

So he's made it for four days - I'm not expecting it to last because (as far as I know) he hasn't taken any active steps towards maintaining his sobriety.

I'm not discussing his drinking or sobriety with him. I never realized how much of our conversations revolved around his problem! It's like we have nothing to talk about... I suppose that comes back in time. But, I really do feel distant from him. I'm working on me, but I still think about his sobriety all the time - only this time I am not talking to him about it. I'm so frustrated that he is not going to AA or calling his sponsor and it angers me b/c I feel like he is taking advantage of his last chance. There is no doubt that I will make him move out if he relapses - so I don't understand with that looming over his head, why he isn't fighting like hell to stay sober! Argh! Things I am not meant to understand - and, for once, things I share here instead of with my AH. Thanks again for listening.

p.s. Last night my AH and I tried to go to a recovering couples group - I let him decide if he wanted to go b/c I decided to go to a meeting whether he decided to come or not. Unfortunately, there was no one at the church when we got there...it was really frustrating. But, we ended up having a night out together - no talking of alcohol or drinking...it was nice (though pretty quiet).

brightlight

I have noticed that with my husband. We have been talking so much about his drinking and then with him gone drinking, there is nothing to talk about, but he has been very angry at me and I think I would feel the same if I were him. I think the other night my husband new he went to far and he knows what he is doing to his body. He told me he was wrong and I had a right to be angry. I keep thinking of Magic's saying she has below her name - There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. William Penn - Powerful words by a powerful man for a powerful country.