Beginning recovery after a breakup with a Schizoaffective boyfriend!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 4
Beginning recovery after a breakup with a Schizoaffective boyfriend!
Hi,
I'm new to this site and I have decided it's time to commit to a 30 day break from alcohol as I'm recovering from a confusing breakup with my boyfriend who is a diagnosed Schizoaffective.
I have had my ups and downs with alcohol in the past (2 DUIs, two broken friendships, and many hurtful and self-destructive behavior). I have also taken breaks. My breaks from alcohol are some of the most lovely times of my life! I get to a place where I feel calm, centered, focused, healthy and authentic. It's crazy how I always think that I'm ok and start drinking again-- normally starts slowly (2 beers, a glass of wine) and then over the course of 1-3 months I begin binge drinking again with total mood destabilization. This roller coaster lasts for a few months. Then I snap out of it and take a break again. I think I'm scared to commit to a life without drinking ever again. I think I might need to commit to a longer amount of time...perhaps a year? But for now, I have promised myself to do 30 days and re-access at the end of the month-- Sept 1. I could really use the help of this support system! My friends all drink and they aren't very supportive of my quitting.
The most recent crisis that has led to my break from alcohol is my break-up with my boyfriend who has his own set of issues. I just got out of a very intense relationship with a schizoaffective boyfriend. He was so loving and supportive of me and when we first were dating I was not drinking and in a very stable happy place. I had gotten a DUI before we started dating and had decided that I was no longer drinking.
Slowly I began drinking again-- a beer at a party, some wine with dinner but it progressed to a few times a month of me getting way too drunk and yelling at him or acting crazy. Our relationship began to decline. He became controlling about my drinking and told me that he didn't like who I was when I drank. I found myself hiding when I was drinking and then when he asked I would tell him and feel really guilty. He was medicated on Seroquel for his Schizoaffective disorder until Dec. 23rd until he stopped taking it. After he quit his meds he slowly started getting more controlling but always so loving and sweet and I moved to NYC to start a new career in an art gallery. He was living in Austin so we did long distance for 6 months which was really tough. I was away so I drank and did my own thing but I yelled at him on the phone while drunk 4-5 times. The relationship deteriorated and he broke up with me. When I saw him last (1 month ago) he seemed to have lost his grip on reality. He was in a completely manic phase-- overly confident, distracted, mean and hurtful. He had been off his meds since December so I'm wondering if he has fallen back into a Schizo/Manic place. I had NEVER seen him like this. It was freaky. For example: I was asking how I could adjust my behavior to make our relationship work or if I could move back to Austin so we could live in the same city and he was texting his other ex girlfriend and ignoring me as I was spilling my heart to him! Then he laughed at me and said that he was going to move in with his ex-girlfriend (the one he broke up to be with me). Then he said he loved me but that she was giving him free rent and I would have made him pay rent if he lived with me so "of course" he's going to move in with her. It was so shocking that he said this to me! I can't imagine saying something that hurtful to him-- but I know I have said much worse so him while I'm black out (stuff like "**** you! I hate you!" normally really irrational hateful things that weren't calculated). Anyways, I've let him out of my life. The relationship was not good. And I clearly need to work on myself before I get into another relationship.
Back to the drinking: right before he and I fell in love, I got a DUI and I had a moment of clarity while sitting in my jail cell. I realized that drinking brought nothing positive to my life. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I remember it so vividly! I didn't drink for two months after that and I was in such a healthy happy place-- my relationship was also so incredible!! I just slipped back into a glass of wine here or a beer there and before I knew it I was getting black out drunk again and yelling at my boyfriend over silly things. I just don't know why I keep falling back on drinking? Maybe I need professional help??
Thank you all for your help!!!! I could use any guidance.
xoxoxoxo
I'm new to this site and I have decided it's time to commit to a 30 day break from alcohol as I'm recovering from a confusing breakup with my boyfriend who is a diagnosed Schizoaffective.
I have had my ups and downs with alcohol in the past (2 DUIs, two broken friendships, and many hurtful and self-destructive behavior). I have also taken breaks. My breaks from alcohol are some of the most lovely times of my life! I get to a place where I feel calm, centered, focused, healthy and authentic. It's crazy how I always think that I'm ok and start drinking again-- normally starts slowly (2 beers, a glass of wine) and then over the course of 1-3 months I begin binge drinking again with total mood destabilization. This roller coaster lasts for a few months. Then I snap out of it and take a break again. I think I'm scared to commit to a life without drinking ever again. I think I might need to commit to a longer amount of time...perhaps a year? But for now, I have promised myself to do 30 days and re-access at the end of the month-- Sept 1. I could really use the help of this support system! My friends all drink and they aren't very supportive of my quitting.
The most recent crisis that has led to my break from alcohol is my break-up with my boyfriend who has his own set of issues. I just got out of a very intense relationship with a schizoaffective boyfriend. He was so loving and supportive of me and when we first were dating I was not drinking and in a very stable happy place. I had gotten a DUI before we started dating and had decided that I was no longer drinking.
Slowly I began drinking again-- a beer at a party, some wine with dinner but it progressed to a few times a month of me getting way too drunk and yelling at him or acting crazy. Our relationship began to decline. He became controlling about my drinking and told me that he didn't like who I was when I drank. I found myself hiding when I was drinking and then when he asked I would tell him and feel really guilty. He was medicated on Seroquel for his Schizoaffective disorder until Dec. 23rd until he stopped taking it. After he quit his meds he slowly started getting more controlling but always so loving and sweet and I moved to NYC to start a new career in an art gallery. He was living in Austin so we did long distance for 6 months which was really tough. I was away so I drank and did my own thing but I yelled at him on the phone while drunk 4-5 times. The relationship deteriorated and he broke up with me. When I saw him last (1 month ago) he seemed to have lost his grip on reality. He was in a completely manic phase-- overly confident, distracted, mean and hurtful. He had been off his meds since December so I'm wondering if he has fallen back into a Schizo/Manic place. I had NEVER seen him like this. It was freaky. For example: I was asking how I could adjust my behavior to make our relationship work or if I could move back to Austin so we could live in the same city and he was texting his other ex girlfriend and ignoring me as I was spilling my heart to him! Then he laughed at me and said that he was going to move in with his ex-girlfriend (the one he broke up to be with me). Then he said he loved me but that she was giving him free rent and I would have made him pay rent if he lived with me so "of course" he's going to move in with her. It was so shocking that he said this to me! I can't imagine saying something that hurtful to him-- but I know I have said much worse so him while I'm black out (stuff like "**** you! I hate you!" normally really irrational hateful things that weren't calculated). Anyways, I've let him out of my life. The relationship was not good. And I clearly need to work on myself before I get into another relationship.
Back to the drinking: right before he and I fell in love, I got a DUI and I had a moment of clarity while sitting in my jail cell. I realized that drinking brought nothing positive to my life. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I remember it so vividly! I didn't drink for two months after that and I was in such a healthy happy place-- my relationship was also so incredible!! I just slipped back into a glass of wine here or a beer there and before I knew it I was getting black out drunk again and yelling at my boyfriend over silly things. I just don't know why I keep falling back on drinking? Maybe I need professional help??
Thank you all for your help!!!! I could use any guidance.
xoxoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Summertime!! 
Why? because alcohol can be an addiction, that's how it works, we become addicted to something that may make no sense but addiction is a very real thing.
I'm not sure about your "breaks" from alcohol, why have something in your life that has been so destructive in the past, alcohol is doing you no favours, if it were a person you'd have said goodbye to it a long time ago.
You'll find loads of support here on SR!! Great to have you onboard!!
Why? because alcohol can be an addiction, that's how it works, we become addicted to something that may make no sense but addiction is a very real thing.
I'm not sure about your "breaks" from alcohol, why have something in your life that has been so destructive in the past, alcohol is doing you no favours, if it were a person you'd have said goodbye to it a long time ago.
You'll find loads of support here on SR!! Great to have you onboard!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 4
Hi Purpleknight!
Thank you for your support! It's good to know that there are others who are going on this journey and have much wisdom to share!
I think I'm realizing it's an addiction. There's a part of me that doesn't want to admit this. It scares me. But I know that it's something that's out of my control.
Where do I start for help? I don't think I can do it alone.
Thank you for your support! It's good to know that there are others who are going on this journey and have much wisdom to share!
I think I'm realizing it's an addiction. There's a part of me that doesn't want to admit this. It scares me. But I know that it's something that's out of my control.
Where do I start for help? I don't think I can do it alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Summertime, I'm pretty new to SR but my affair with alcohol sounds a bit like yours. Usually after a month sober I forgot how bad things were, decided I'd learned enough to be able to moderate, and quickly slipped back into the darkness.
I have had to accept that I must let go of booze and it doesn't matter if it's not fair, if I want it badly, if seven of my friends tell me everyday that it's harmless. They cannot know what we experience.
If I lost a limb, or a beloved family member, if my house burned down, I'd have to accept it even though it sucks and is tragic.
There is no such finality with quitting drinking, it's still everywhere and readily available. But I can't talk my way out of the fact that I cannot tolerate alcohol any more than I could talk a dead friend back to life.
So I must say to alcohol "you are dead to me", and cope with the pain in that and live the full life I want to live.
Pore over the information here in SR, there is so much to learn here and so much support as you work on your journey.
I have had to accept that I must let go of booze and it doesn't matter if it's not fair, if I want it badly, if seven of my friends tell me everyday that it's harmless. They cannot know what we experience.
If I lost a limb, or a beloved family member, if my house burned down, I'd have to accept it even though it sucks and is tragic.
There is no such finality with quitting drinking, it's still everywhere and readily available. But I can't talk my way out of the fact that I cannot tolerate alcohol any more than I could talk a dead friend back to life.
So I must say to alcohol "you are dead to me", and cope with the pain in that and live the full life I want to live.
Pore over the information here in SR, there is so much to learn here and so much support as you work on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 60
Welcome Summertime! I too have a similar story as you and it's been going on for years. I like to drink by myself in hiding to the point of blacking out. I usually talk on the phone to my friends who are sometimes as drunk as I am. The next day I feel nothing but remorse, not to mention a big ugly hangover, which recently has been lasting 2 or more days, wreaking havoc on my body. This week was one of the worst weeks I've experience in a very long time. Today I was seriously hanging by a thread but decided not to cave into alcohol. Because of this, I have been sober 7 days. I can go days, weeks and even months without alcohol, and it always ends up the same, with me binging until I black out staring off slow, the boom! It happens again. I've decided I think it's best to hang this behavior up before I hurt myself or someone else. Thankfully, I never drink and drive. Please get the support you need to make this a final decision. It's so much better to deal with life through clarity instead of cob webs in the brain, right? ��. Best wishes to you. Hugs!
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