Back in active addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Back in active addiction
Yep you all saw it coming...
I don't want to debate this bit of it because I know what the majority of people here believe, and I don't have an opinion either way because it isn't my business....
But AH's program isn't one that necessarily believes AA and total abstinence is the only way of treating alcohol addiction (its a well known pysch hospital that treats a variety of addictions and mental health conditions). AH is under the care of an addictions specialist (he's a professor) as well as another psychiatrist, he attended detox, rehab, goes to outpx once a week, has counselling once a week and we got to MC once a week. Just thought I'd answer those questions up front...
. Al-anon didn't work out for me, but I do attend IC with a family therapist who specialises in families with addiction issues.
So he's been having the odd drink here or there. But he's never completely come to grips with the fact that he cant include alcohol in his life.
His team have encouraged me to step back. What he does with his addiction is going to happen no matter how much I try to slow that trajectory down. I've been doing OK with that with the odd burst of anxiety.
So he has been going through a process the last couple of months of having me totally step back, and him deciding to drink.
He has been drunk twice, other days he's just had a couple. I know this is a stage on a slippery slope. He knows its a stage on a slippery slope. His team are telling him that - but also acknowledging that this is a path many people with addictions go down. I realise he is back in active addiction.
My heart is very heavy.
I feel stuck. yes, I still feel stuck. Strangely, since stepping back, things between us have been good. A beer or two doesn't affect his behaviour (whilst its a beer or two - I realise this will change if he doesn't change his path). He's really stepped up at home, with MC our communication has been much, much better. He's been very supportive of me, and loving.
He's really made in roads with the kids as well. My dd from a previous marriage has a LOT of challenges, and is extremely distrusting. She is adopted from overseas...and has the chance to travel back to her country of birth later this year. It looked like neither her Dad or I could take her, her grandmother who she is close to offered to go. But she said she feels safer with AH in that context so she asked AH if he'd go with her. I know it doesn't sound much....but that is absolutely huge. (turns out I can take her anyway).
He feels really shameful about the path he is on (70% of the time). He is quite depressed about it. But obviously doesn't feel bad enough to halt this journey.
I don't want to watch him self destruct. I know I can get off the merry go round. I know I don't have to. I do know this. But man it is painful. It would almost be easier if he was behaving badly. But he's not. He's good. And it makes it so much harder. I'm not clear on my boundaries. I know I wont go down that path with him again....but at what point on the path do I make that decision? Whilst he's having a beer or two? When he's rolling around in the gutter? I know no one can answer these questions for me.
I hate this disease.
I don't want to debate this bit of it because I know what the majority of people here believe, and I don't have an opinion either way because it isn't my business....
But AH's program isn't one that necessarily believes AA and total abstinence is the only way of treating alcohol addiction (its a well known pysch hospital that treats a variety of addictions and mental health conditions). AH is under the care of an addictions specialist (he's a professor) as well as another psychiatrist, he attended detox, rehab, goes to outpx once a week, has counselling once a week and we got to MC once a week. Just thought I'd answer those questions up front...
. Al-anon didn't work out for me, but I do attend IC with a family therapist who specialises in families with addiction issues.So he's been having the odd drink here or there. But he's never completely come to grips with the fact that he cant include alcohol in his life.
His team have encouraged me to step back. What he does with his addiction is going to happen no matter how much I try to slow that trajectory down. I've been doing OK with that with the odd burst of anxiety.
So he has been going through a process the last couple of months of having me totally step back, and him deciding to drink.
He has been drunk twice, other days he's just had a couple. I know this is a stage on a slippery slope. He knows its a stage on a slippery slope. His team are telling him that - but also acknowledging that this is a path many people with addictions go down. I realise he is back in active addiction.
My heart is very heavy.
I feel stuck. yes, I still feel stuck. Strangely, since stepping back, things between us have been good. A beer or two doesn't affect his behaviour (whilst its a beer or two - I realise this will change if he doesn't change his path). He's really stepped up at home, with MC our communication has been much, much better. He's been very supportive of me, and loving.
He's really made in roads with the kids as well. My dd from a previous marriage has a LOT of challenges, and is extremely distrusting. She is adopted from overseas...and has the chance to travel back to her country of birth later this year. It looked like neither her Dad or I could take her, her grandmother who she is close to offered to go. But she said she feels safer with AH in that context so she asked AH if he'd go with her. I know it doesn't sound much....but that is absolutely huge. (turns out I can take her anyway).
He feels really shameful about the path he is on (70% of the time). He is quite depressed about it. But obviously doesn't feel bad enough to halt this journey.
I don't want to watch him self destruct. I know I can get off the merry go round. I know I don't have to. I do know this. But man it is painful. It would almost be easier if he was behaving badly. But he's not. He's good. And it makes it so much harder. I'm not clear on my boundaries. I know I wont go down that path with him again....but at what point on the path do I make that decision? Whilst he's having a beer or two? When he's rolling around in the gutter? I know no one can answer these questions for me.
I hate this disease.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
You know these good times will only lead to more bad bigger worse times. It's inevitable as the sun rising in the morning. Just sending you hugs and praying for you (and your husband). This disease is the worst. It is so sad. Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Fwiw, my ex was the same for a while-there were many many good glorious times-but they became few abd far between as his alcoholism progressed. I watched his mind plus games with him-only drink a few, etc, etc. I will admit that a small part of me staying in my marriage the last couple of years was not because I was afraid to be alone and be a single mom (I knew he wouldn't get sober or want to be a parebt), it was bc I was afraid of what would happen to him if I left. Talk about controlling and manipulating on my part-who did I think I was? God?! Anyway, just food for thought.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jarp.....I agree with Lilro....that you will know when you can't take it one second more. How long that will take is completely up to you
I can't see any other answer to your question.
I am so sorry. This does not have to mean that you life is over.....not by a long shot.
dandylion
I can't see any other answer to your question.
I am so sorry. This does not have to mean that you life is over.....not by a long shot.
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Jarp, I'm sorry, especially as you've had periods of hope. It's like watching a slow motion train crash and not being able to stop it. I admire your ability to step back even now, which is the only thing you can do but must be against your instincts.
I wish your AH could pull it up now, before he hurts too many people. As a sober A, I know how easy it is to get sucked in before you know it's happening. With great respect to the professors, once your brain has rewired to addiction, it's very hard to drink moderately for any period of time.
I wish your AH could pull it up now, before he hurts too many people. As a sober A, I know how easy it is to get sucked in before you know it's happening. With great respect to the professors, once your brain has rewired to addiction, it's very hard to drink moderately for any period of time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Jarp - I am very sorry where this is headed and sorry that it seems for the past couple of months headed that way.
As the others have stated you will know when you are done. I think you are standing at the top of the mountain looking down. In other words, at a point where you know it is as good as its going to get, and there is only one direction for it to go (since he is actively drinking). How long he is able to moderate no one can say.
Of course I hope this goes a different way than it appears. Lots of hugs to you and your family.
As the others have stated you will know when you are done. I think you are standing at the top of the mountain looking down. In other words, at a point where you know it is as good as its going to get, and there is only one direction for it to go (since he is actively drinking). How long he is able to moderate no one can say.
Of course I hope this goes a different way than it appears. Lots of hugs to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((Jarp))))) I'm so sorry, I can tell you are devastated that he's choosing this path. What a testament to the power of this disease though; he has the most extensive team of qualified professionals helping him but alcohol still wins. And I agree, it's so much harder to rationalize your next steps when his behavior isn't extreme and there's no crisis. But then again, I guess that would still be codependent behavior, basing your reaction on his actions, right? You gotta do what's right for you & your kids Jarp, there's no right answer or time limit on deciding what that is. 
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh....I am sorry too Jarp. It sucks, that's for sure.
I could not take the anxiety that came with it, even if my X was behaving well. Of course, for him, it progressed past any good behavior. I know he still goes through cycles of being fine with a couple and totally and completely a mess. He gets really frustrated that those around him cannot just let him be a "normal" drinker. Unfortunately for him, that "normal" drinking leads up to out of control binge drinking.
I don't have any advise, just offering you huge hugs and sending you lots of love!
I could not take the anxiety that came with it, even if my X was behaving well. Of course, for him, it progressed past any good behavior. I know he still goes through cycles of being fine with a couple and totally and completely a mess. He gets really frustrated that those around him cannot just let him be a "normal" drinker. Unfortunately for him, that "normal" drinking leads up to out of control binge drinking.
I don't have any advise, just offering you huge hugs and sending you lots of love!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Jarp,
I would explore your feelings of being stuck with your counselor.
You say things are good, but you feel stuck and your heart is heavy.
In your first sentence you claim you don't have an opinion. An opinion on what??
But you do have an opinion. That is your vague boundary isn't it? You need total abstinence to rebuild trust in the marriage. Something you don't even identify in your first sentence...
They may be addiction experts, but YOU are the expert of your marriage. They don't work on the the family budget, sleep with, or consider sending their daughter overseas alone with him drinking... His slippery slope impacts the entire family unit. You have the right to say, "For this marriage to survive, you need to totally quit. The kids and I aren't going back."
Tough stuff to call out your truth AND enforce it. I almost threw up the day I changed the locks. I cried. I went to an Al Anon meeting.
Your answers are there for you Jarp. Have faith in your truth.
I would explore your feelings of being stuck with your counselor.
You say things are good, but you feel stuck and your heart is heavy.
In your first sentence you claim you don't have an opinion. An opinion on what??
But you do have an opinion. That is your vague boundary isn't it? You need total abstinence to rebuild trust in the marriage. Something you don't even identify in your first sentence...
They may be addiction experts, but YOU are the expert of your marriage. They don't work on the the family budget, sleep with, or consider sending their daughter overseas alone with him drinking... His slippery slope impacts the entire family unit. You have the right to say, "For this marriage to survive, you need to totally quit. The kids and I aren't going back."
Tough stuff to call out your truth AND enforce it. I almost threw up the day I changed the locks. I cried. I went to an Al Anon meeting.
Your answers are there for you Jarp. Have faith in your truth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
As a former drinker, I agree with Code Job.
There is no "moderation" possible for hard core drinkers.
If he can't quit, you know what will happen next.
He's made a great deal of progress, so maybe if you raise the stakes he will meet the challenge.
You know, drinking is a choice--many addicts quit for good.
He is choosing to drink despite his promises to you and himself.
He can choose differently, but if you accept it, why should he?
There is no "moderation" possible for hard core drinkers.
If he can't quit, you know what will happen next.
He's made a great deal of progress, so maybe if you raise the stakes he will meet the challenge.
You know, drinking is a choice--many addicts quit for good.
He is choosing to drink despite his promises to you and himself.
He can choose differently, but if you accept it, why should he?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
